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Originally Posted by wayfarer
It's interesting so many people are BD'd around the holidays. I wonder why that is? When I think about the like 5 times I left my ex before I left for good it was never around the holidays I didn't want to rocks the boat when we had to deal with both our families. It was just easier to pretend things were fine.

I'm glad to hear you're moving past that funk. I hope your holidays were wonderful.

Thanks WF! Yes good times, and we avoided the illness too. Our get togethers were not big, less than 10 people, so that helped. And none of us had any symptoms leading up to them.

As far as the BD around the holidays, you may not remember that in my situation I had initiated BD. My wife and daughter were shopping, and I came across the movie "Unfaithful" while channel surfing. It had been several years since I had seen it, so I started watching, it was only 5-10 minutes into the movie.

If you have never seen it, it is about a husband and wife, they have one child and are just entering middle age. They have a good relationship but the husband works too much, and they have just started to lose their connection. The wife meets a single (she thinks) European man, a little younger and starts an affair. The part that got my attention was how the wife started acting around the husband once the affair was started. She didn't like undressing in front of him, didn't want him touching her, and was distant and emotionally closed off. This was my wife to a tee in the preceding weeks.

After the movie went off I went to her PC and pulled up FB messenger and caught her messaging with the OM as she was shopping with our daughter. When she got home I confronted her with what I had found and got "I don't want to be married anymore."

She later claimed that she was hoping to get through the holidays and then BD me. So my BD would have probably been in early January rather than 12/23 if not for me watching the movie and getting suspicious.

But to your point, if not before the holidays, the first week of January is traditionally the time most divorces get filed for. Obviously people waiting until after the holidays to start tearing up lives.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
SteveLW #2927989 01/04/22 07:12 PM
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So interesting thing about that movie. Saw it at the movies when I was with my exw when it first came out and thought nothing of it other then it was a movie and Diane Lane is sexy lol.

Was flipping through the channels going through my sitch and I couldn't even watch it. Thought Diane Lane was still sexy but had to turn it off.

Just watched it over Christmas break and of course Diane Lane is still sexy but it just made me shake my head saying fuching WWs. I guess I am just glad that I was extremely naïve the majority of my marriage and didn't rally think these types of things happened.


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�Happiness equals reality minus expectations�- Magliozzi
SteveLW #2927995 01/04/22 08:36 PM
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Steve, I don't know that I ever dug back in your sitch far enough to realize that's how things played out. I have seen Unfaithful. I actually saw it in the theater way back when with some friends. I think the draw for us was the converse to LH's, we were there for Olivier Martinez. I had actually just finished school for the year and my belly had just "popped." It was around the time my exH started claiming the baby wasn't his. Going to see that movie with my friends apparently meant I had some unconscious desire to cheat on him or was telling him in subliminal messages that I had. Every time that movie appeared in his ether for the remainder of our relationship it ended up in a fight. The irony is he never watched the movie. So has no idea that the ending was the husband turning himself in. So I can say I also have super unpleasant memories tied to that movie....

As far as the BD around the holidays, I guess I'm thinking about the crop of ladies who showed up around here about the same time I did. Where our H's had BD'd around Halloween or Thanksgiving and just wanted to play out Christmas like it was our last Christmas together and we should just be happy for the sake of our kids and their memories.

I totally didn't know that statistic about divorces the first week in January. That is interesting.

Last edited by wayfarer; 01/04/22 08:37 PM.
SteveLW #2927996 01/04/22 08:59 PM
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You know interestedly enough it wasn't until the last time I saw it I realized he turned himself in. I think it was the first time I didn't walk away or shut it off before I realized they were in front of the police station.

There is a great conversation of affairs in the restaurant with her friends after she gets bopped in the bathroom.


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�Happiness equals reality minus expectations�- Magliozzi
SteveLW #2928004 01/05/22 02:32 AM
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Yeah that movie is very realistic on how a cheating spouse behaves. I remember a few weeks into my sitch my W was refusing to undress in front of me because she had started grooming certain places and shaving her legs, something she hadn't been doing during the fall and winter for years. But she wanted to hide it from me. Obviously, she didn't want to send nudes to her EAP with unsightly hair! She tried to deny that she was grooming but then later admitted it. By the way, now that things are better between us, she now does shave and groom. Sorry if that is TMI, but I just realized that ironically that is a sign I wouldn't be able to catch now!


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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LH19 #2928071 01/06/22 07:57 PM
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Originally Posted by LH19
I guess I am just glad that I was extremely naïve the majority of my marriage and didn't rally think these types of things happened.
Enlightenment scuks sometimes.

Originally Posted by GinBlossoms
"Til I Hear It From You"

I didn't ask
They shouldn't have told me
At first I'd laugh, but now
It's sinking in fast
Whatever they've sold me
Well baby I don't want to take advice from fools
I'll just figure everything is cool
Until I hear it from you
It gets hard
The memory's faded
Who gets what they say
It's likely they're just jealous and jaded
Well maybe I don't want to take advice from fools
I'll just figure everything is cool
Until I hear it from you
Until I hear it from you
I can't let it get me off
Or break up my train of thought
As far as I know, nothing's wrong
Until I hear it from you
Still thinking about not living without it
Outside looking in
Til we're talking about it, not stepping around it
Maybe I don't want to take advice from fools
I'll just figure everything is cool
Until I hear it from you...


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
SteveLW #2929252 01/31/22 04:17 PM
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Interesting development in my sitch. W has decided to wean herself off of ADs. I was really surprised by this. I have noticed her being a big shorter with things, snapping a bit more. Nothing overt, just a subtle difference. I will be interested to see if she goes back to being a big more emotional like she was before she started taking them. I asked her if this is what she really wanted, and she said "This is what you wanted, isn't it?" I told her that my advice 4 years ago was misguided and that I would support any decision she made related to them.

I will keep you guys updated, but I think she is planning on being off of them completely by the summer.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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SteveLW #2929258 01/31/22 05:07 PM
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SteveLW,

Is she consulting with her physician on this? That's potentially a significant change. I imagine she's been on the ADs for quite some time. My now ExW had been on them 20 years when she suddenly stopped taking them a month or two before BD, along with other things like weaning off breastfeeding our then D1, and I always wondered if that was at least a factor in the situation. Her transition off ADs should be managed very closely, especially if they've been in her system for years.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
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BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
BL42 #2929268 01/31/22 07:38 PM
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Originally Posted by BL42
SteveLW,

Is she consulting with her physician on this?...Her transition off ADs should be managed very closely, especially if they've been in her system for years.
This is my understanding as well.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
SteveLW #2929270 01/31/22 07:57 PM
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SteveLW Offline OP
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Yes, in fact I think that is what is prompting her to do this now. Her physician, whom she adores, is moving to a non-practicing, research position. I think my W doesn't want to be pressured into finding another physician. But yes she is consulting with her outgoing physician, and they have discussed this for the last few years.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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