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A Message from Michele
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SteveLW #2837745 02/17/19 08:07 PM
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Wonderful to hear! It gives me hope that the long haul does indeed have promise.


M: 56
H: 57
S: 22
D: 20

H Moved out: 10/1/18
SteveLW #2837748 02/17/19 08:31 PM
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Wonderful to hear! It gives me hope that the long haul does indeed have promise.


M: 56
H: 57
S: 22
D: 20

H Moved out: 10/1/18
SteveLW #2895637 05/22/20 02:59 PM
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So we are solidly 2 years into piecing and I have to tell you, it has been a roller-coaster ride. I documented in the newcomer thread from late last summer, where I found messages between my W and another guy from an online game. It was pretty innocent but it was obvious to me that this guy, that lives in Canada, was smitten with her. For her part she wasn't really reciprocating, but she was really enjoying the attention.

I confronted, she was immediately remorseful. I pretty much told her that I was done with that behavior, that while I shared responsibility for her EAs in the past, this time this thing was all on her. And that I was not interested in having to worry about this kind of thing for the rest of my life.

She did a complete 180. When we first started piecing she was resistant to complete transparency. This time all of that changed. She gave me complete access to her phone, PC, PWs for all accounts, etc. I made it clear to her that I was not interested in having to keep tabs on her. But I have to say, her actions afterward spoke volumes! It was clear that she valued our MR and wanted to do whatever she could to make sure I was aware of that and that she was willing to do whatever it took to show that.

The one 180 I did out of it was I decided to be more forthcoming with compliments and words of affection. That is her primary love-language and I took this minor indiscretion as a sign that I needed to make sure I was keeping that love tank full.

The turnaround since then has been astounding. Our MR is better than it has ever been. I work hard at it, and while date night is much harder now in the COVID world, I still make sure we spend plenty of quality time together. I make sure I am providing her that level of words of affection she needs to feel love and fulfilled. She has begun to be much more forthcoming with the physical touch. Our sex life is the best is has been since we were newlyweds! I am amazed all the time at the improvements in our MR.

I really think the first year she was piecing, she was always expected the OLD Steve85 to come back. I think it took her a good year and a half to trust that the positive changes that I instituted during our sitch at the end of 2017, beginning of 2018 were real, sincere, and permanent. And once she could fully trust that the new Steve85 was the real Steve85, she opened up to me like she hadn't been in almost 20 years!

Anyway, that's the update right now. Piecing is a long process. After 2 years I believe w are still piecing, and possibly will be for the rest of our lives. But the results are work the efforts.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
SteveLW #2918423 05/03/21 11:57 AM
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Quick update from me.

Things continue to go well. We actually bonded more through the COVID crap. I know the lockdowns and being cooped up had 1 of 3 affects on families. No impact (some didn't notice anything different!). Made things worse (families that didn't react well to being confined together so much). Or brought them closer together. The latter was us. Even my D was embracing more family time as we treaded through the pandemic. We found that carry-out affords a lot of opportunity to sit down and talk without the hustle bustle and noise of a restaurant! And it is more private too.

Wife and I hit a snag in the sex dept. She has developed two bad shoulders. Her range of motion is really limited and movement and motion seems to really aggravate the pain. If this had happened pre-BD I would not have dealt with it well at all. But now I do not take it as a personal affront! We both know she will get over this and we will get back to regular intimacy. And it has caused intimacy in different ways. She often needs help with dressing and undressing due to the problem, and that closeness of her allowing me to help with that is very nice. Another thing that would not have occurred during BD.

So we continue to move forward, and each day seems to bring us even closer together than we were before. It is amazing that something like what we went through was necessary in order for us to wake up to how bad things had become, and motivate us to turn it around.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
SteveLW #2920461 06/26/21 03:35 PM
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Dealing with a feeling of "now what" lately. Maybe it's our daughter graduating and getting ready to head off to college. Idk. I've actually been wondering how life could be different if I had made a different decision. I've had this on and off but it's been a little stronger lately.

I've also been a bit lax on GAL the last few months, I need to amp that back up.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
SteveLW #2920545 06/28/21 05:53 PM
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Honestly this is one of my biggest fears. We get to a point where it's just the two of us and then what? We have the luxury of never having a MR where it was just the two of us. So for us the novelty of it will push us through for a little while. But the converse of that is also true, you did have a MR that was once just you two. What about that time would you like to recapture? What kind of things do you guys want to do in this next phase in your lives individually and together?

SteveLW #2920546 06/28/21 05:54 PM
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Oh and do you guys talk about that? Retirement, travel, later in life starts?

SteveLW #2920563 06/29/21 01:46 AM
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Good questions. To be honest our marriage wasn't great in the beginning before or daughter. We had a great courtship, but right away after marriage we fell into the classic mistakes so many couples make. I expected sex, I started having NGS tendencies. She started to feel like the only thing I wanted was sex. So she started withholding it. I then started withholding all other affection and intimacy. And it just snowballed from there. Then she went off the pill and got pregnant. We list the first baby, it was devastating and actually brought us closer together briefly. Then she got pregnant again and our daughter was born. Things just got worse and worse after that.

And no, we haven't really discussed what comes next yet. We will. Travel sounds good, but we've always had pets that have made it difficult to do. Our pets are older now and we probably don't have much time left with them. We will probably get more info travel once they've passed on.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
SteveLW #2920580 06/29/21 12:47 PM
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I mean I can see why the anxiety is there your D is a buffer and kind of a stop keep on spending much time looking backward. But with her gone, the opportunity for it to all slide back to exactly the way it was can feel greater. I think it would be best to focus on how much different your MR is now than it was in that time. And how different the 2 of you are. I think maybe having some conversations about life after kid would be great date night fodder. And maybe in true DB fashion you can take some time by yourself to think about what you had wanted this phase in your life to look like and what you now think you'd like this phase in your life to look like. What does Steve want between now and retirement? What does Steve want in retirement? What does that look like? What kind of steps would it take to get you there? Life seems to move so much more quickly as I age. Things that seemed years away sneak up on me now. Years long plans don't feel so far out and long lasting as they did. Just food for thought.

SteveLW #2920677 06/30/21 01:36 PM
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Yeah, I will discuss all of that with her. I have had those conversations in my own head though. I have a pretty clear plan. Some of it is investment based. If my investments do well, then I will actually retire fairly quickly (next 2-3 years). So we will see (cross-fingers!).

If not I have a little over 7 years left. Crazy I am actually considering retirement! Life goes so fast.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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