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A Message from Michele
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Piecing....... #2825751
12/04/18 06:43 PM
12/04/18 06:43 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 5,701
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Steve85 Offline OP
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Steve85  Offline OP
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Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 5,701
So I thought I would start my own piecing thread. Since we've been in piecing since March.

Here is a link to my other threads:

All of Steve85's previous threads

Quick synopsis. BD 12/23/17 - Initiated by me after discovering her long distance EA. Typical things from WAW/WW. "ILYBIANILWY." "I don't want to be married anymore." Etc.

Her plan was to get a job, get an apartment and get a divorce. For us to stay friends. For my D14 to live with me in the marital home. For her to have a key. For us to have dinners both at the marital home and at her apartment. Etc........

Typical WW fog. Up and down behavior. I want to stay. I want to go. I don't know what I want.

I made classic LBS mistakes the first 2 days of begging, pleading, moping, crying, using logic, etc. Day 3 I remembered DBing based on her first EA in Sept. of 2005. (That time she immediately recommitted back to the marriage.)

Last act of rebellion against the MR was in mid-Feb. After that she committed back to the MR. She began to participate in MC and do the homework. She did a 180 on many things, started to become invested back in the family, the home, etc.

We've been piecing since the end of February. And it has been hard work. I've maintained my 180s, I continue my GAL activities, and I also have learned that detachment is something that all married folks should have (lookup self-differentiation in marriage).


M(50), W(51),D(15)
M-20, T-22 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: Piecing....... [Re: Steve85] #2825782
12/04/18 10:15 PM
12/04/18 10:15 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,016
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BluWave Offline
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Hi Steve,

Welcome to the slow forums ;-) Maybe we can change the culture of that??? I did not read your initial threads. Your sitch turned around rather fast. Wow. 3 months? That's record time around here! I often wonder had my H not left for the full blown R with OW for 10 months, how things would have been different. On BD, it had mostly been an EA an he had no intention of leaving. I think it would have been easier to forgive his initial EA and piece because at least he was still home and with our family initially. Who knows that tho.

When I first started posting, there were several piecers - 25, Train, Mowgli, Lim, Stormchaser, NYGal, and then JoeJoe came around this summer. I'm sure I am forgetting many. Perhaps I should move my threads over here too. I do appreciate when they come back for a visit and update. How can we encourage folks to give more updates in piecing? And it seems like when folks piece (or give up on hope for the M) they often stop posting altogether.

I certainly do appreciate how much time and energy you give to the boards! You are pretty awesome. Thank you!

Blu

Last edited by BluWave; 12/04/18 10:18 PM.

“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Re: Piecing....... [Re: Steve85] #2825817
12/05/18 10:40 AM
12/05/18 10:40 AM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 12,983
NY
Cadet Offline
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Cadet  Offline
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25 is now divorced and she moved to Poland this year, she is actually doing well

Also my friend was Jack 3 Beans who passed away two years ago, RIP sir


Welcome Steve


Me-65, D32,S31
Re: Piecing....... [Re: Steve85] #2825923
12/05/18 05:58 PM
12/05/18 05:58 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 5,701
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Steve85 Offline OP
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Steve85  Offline OP
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Thanks Blu and Cadet. Yes I'd like to see these boards more active. Blu yeah I look back and am still surprised at how fast my sitch turned around. A lot of it was due to certain circumstances that most sitches do not meet. Like I initiated BD. My W's EA OM took himself out of the picture within a few weeks of BD. W started prowling for OM2, but due to still being in the marital home and being primary caretaker of D14 didn't have as much opportunity as some other Ws (she is a SAHM). Then there was the church angle. Some friends there invited us to a marriage retreat and to my surprise she agreed. She came to C with me (we were unsure if it was MC or if I was going to continue in IC alone) but she liked the C and agreed to continue attending.

But it was just shy of 3 months. I remember in my threads, the wayward side of her started initiating sex with me in early March. Within days we had had sex many many times. I was still mastering DBing at the time but knew not to attach significance to it.

Actually this morning in the shower it dawned on me. I am pretty sure I know the moment that she gave up her waywardness. We were on our want to MC and she casually mentioned that her voracious desire for sex had abated. Whatever switch had been flipped leading up to her EA that made her so sexual suddenly seemed to switch off again. Prior to BD we had a SSM. Since we've been intimate on a pretty good cadence (once or twice a month which is WAY over what we averaged for the first 19 years of our marriage). But the waywardness seemed to disappear along with her insatiable sexual appetite. I theorize that the two were part and parcel of whatever was causing her to want to walkaway.

Its okay though, I can live with once or twice a month! LOL And MR 2.0 is 100 times better than MR 1.0 was.

Sorry for the diatribe. I tend to do that. laugh


M(50), W(51),D(15)
M-20, T-22 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: Piecing....... [Re: Steve85] #2829739
12/26/18 01:01 PM
12/26/18 01:01 PM
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 807
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RR17 Offline
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Steve glad to see you have taken your sitch here. I believe Newcomes believe that once entering Piecing that one is out of the darkness and on the road to MR bliss.
Although I don't claim to be any type of expert and depending on the day I believe that W and I are dipping our toes in Reconciliation only for the next day to leave me wondering, I can see that piecing is far from a walk in the park.

Healing, from the LBS standpoint, is paramount. Without healing, I don't know that there can be a successful R. I think many of us have had to deny ourselves this much-needed healing in order to DB. "Trust" being the casualty. Not just trust that the S is not cheating but that there won't be any more surprise BDs. That the two will both embrace a much healthier way of communicating that both protects the individual as well as the MR.

I do have a few questions regarding your sitch Steve. Do you believe that there was anything you could have done to prevent this latest BD in your sitch? Did you skip any steps or ignore any issues that may have helped bring you back?

Any reflective insight that you have that might help others, I'm sure may be cathartic as well as extremely helpful for others.


M 53 W 54, M since 98
D15, D19
8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM
until 10/14
7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR
12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.

Re: Piecing....... [Re: Steve85] #2830708
01/02/19 05:20 PM
01/02/19 05:20 PM
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,047
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sandi2 Offline
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For some reason, I can't use the full editor application, so I'll have to make do by using the Quick Reply. Here is a quote from the great Jack Three Beans for posters who move to the Piecing forum.


"IF anyone is coming here from Newcomers or MLC or any of the other forums, following 25 years, Starsky, me...anyone else and you think that the advice here is different...it is.

It is different. DO NOT take advice from Piecing and apply it to a newcomer situation. Do not apply it to god forbid an MLC situation.

Piecing is when both parties are (or say they are) committed to working on the realtionship and even then? Give it a few weeks or months to see if that is true."


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: Piecing....... [Re: RR17] #2830718
01/02/19 06:03 PM
01/02/19 06:03 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 5,701
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Steve85 Offline OP
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Steve85  Offline OP
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Originally Posted by RR17
I do have a few questions regarding your sitch Steve. Do you believe that there was anything you could have done to prevent this latest BD in your sitch? Did you skip any steps or ignore any issues that may have helped bring you back?


Thanks for your response. Regarding your questions. I assume you mean BD just over a year ago? it is a good question, but I now think the answer is yes. I could have been the man I am today and that would have prevented BD.

I am not sure what your 2nd question means. Please expound. I don't want to presume and answer wrong.

Thanks RR. Your input is always so good, and I know you struggle yourself so it is nice to have a brother in arms in all of this.


M(50), W(51),D(15)
M-20, T-22 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: Piecing....... [Re: sandi2] #2830719
01/02/19 06:04 PM
01/02/19 06:04 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 5,701
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Steve85 Offline OP
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Steve85  Offline OP
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Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 5,701
Originally Posted by sandi2
For some reason, I can't use the full editor application, so I'll have to make do by using the Quick Reply. Here is a quote from the great Jack Three Beans for posters who move to the Piecing forum.


"IF anyone is coming here from Newcomers or MLC or any of the other forums, following 25 years, Starsky, me...anyone else and you think that the advice here is different...it is.

It is different. DO NOT take advice from Piecing and apply it to a newcomer situation. Do not apply it to god forbid an MLC situation.

Piecing is when both parties are (or say they are) committed to working on the realtionship and even then? Give it a few weeks or months to see if that is true."


Thanks sandi. Good stuff here. I will go back and read all of the stickies when I get some time to do so!


M(50), W(51),D(15)
M-20, T-22 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: Piecing....... [Re: Steve85] #2831453
01/06/19 07:41 PM
01/06/19 07:41 PM
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 807
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RR17 Offline
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Quote
Did you skip any steps or ignore any issues that may have helped bring you back?


Sandi once made a whole list of requirements for reconciliation. The new platform makes it difficult to search or I would include a link. What I am asking is, do you think that you might have skipped any requirements in your first go-round that led to the second BD?


M 53 W 54, M since 98
D15, D19
8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM
until 10/14
7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR
12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.

Re: Piecing....... [Re: Steve85] #2831477
01/07/19 02:01 AM
01/07/19 02:01 AM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 5,701
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Steve85 Offline OP
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Steve85  Offline OP
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RR that's what I thought you meant, but didn't want to assume. the answer is absolutely. In fact, after BD in 2005, once she said she didn't wasnt a D right away when I confronted her about the EA that I discovered, no work was done other than the requirement that she end the EA. She recommitted to the MR and for several years did alot of trying to improve our R. I got through the pain and went back to alot of bad habits. That contributed directly to BD 2017. And if I screw up again, forget what I've learned, and slip back into those behaviors I'm guaranteed BD#3 at some point and will end up D'd next time.


M(50), W(51),D(15)
M-20, T-22 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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