Hello all. I am an old timer....11 years post bomb drop. Man, how did that happen?LOL!
I haven't posted in a while and I am not sure what prompted me to post today, but here goes.
You will not die. That's the truth of it. I thought I would. I really did. I did not think I would survive it. For a lot of reasons.
But i did. Mostly because of the generous, loving people I met here, my wonderful therapist and my son. But also because of me. The work I did. The strength I found.
I came kicking and screaming into DB. I could not get it for the longest time. It made no sense to me. Detach?? Let him go?? Find me? What??? My marriage was ending. The life I knew was gone. How could doing all of that help?
So, I kept making excuses. I kept fighting the idea of all of this.
Until one day....I didn't.
And that is when I had to roll up my sleeves and do the work.
It isn't easy this. I had set backs and I ran into my hole. The people here...my people... wouldn't let me do that for long. They challenged me and consoled me and pushed me. Held me up when I couldn't do it myself. It was a long journey...mainly because of my stubbornness...Be quiet, Mach. .
I can promise you this: Once you decide and I mean really decide to let go....your life begins anew.
You see, they cant move through their stuff, while you are hanging onto their pant legs. And you cant move through yours either. How can you see forward when they are in the way? You way down there? They are running towards a life they think they want while you are weighing them down.
The only way to do this...is to leave them to do their thing. And it will be ok. You will be growing and changing and becoming who you were always meant to be.
Thank you for posting and providing sage advice to the posters. It takes a while for the sage advice to settle in, but once it does, life will get a bit easier for each of you because you will not be focusing quite as much on what your spouse/companion is doing because you will then be focusing on you and your family.
Print off uRworthy's advice and re-read it often. It's priceless.
I was asked what made me start letting go. Mostly I was going down cheeseless tunnels, right? I mean what I was doing wasn't helping the situation.
I started to ask myself some questions. Was what I was doing or not doing getting me to where I wanted to be? The answer was no, it wasn't.
He was still running...as fast as he could. I was still crying, clinging, watching for any sign that he was looking my way.
That wasn't good for anyone.
So I had start to look within. What were my contributions to the breakdown of the marriage. Now that doesn't mean that I was taking the blame for his actions. Nope. Those were all his. It meant that I had to be honest with myself. Once I owned only MY stuff, I set about trying to change those things that I felt needed changing.
And the great thing about starting that journey was, I took my power back.
I realized that I didn't have to like what he said about me and the marriage. I didn't have to agree with it all, but, I did have to hear it.
Please understand. I did not work on me with the hope that he would change his mind. Those kinds of changes don't last and they see right through them. I did this for me. I needed to take back my life
What happens then is that you see them more clearly, too. You aren't looking at them from a place of fear, but, from a place of strength.
You do you. Focus on you and your children if you have any. Leave them to their craziness.
Make the changes. Let them see strength and confidence. Feel it deep in your soul. Because you are worthy.
Iíve seen the ideas youíve written about here elsewhere, and I am starting to more intentionally come around on this.
Iím admittedly struggling at times with looking at my negative contributions to our marriageóand still feeling regret at times over that (and it still every now and then drags me down hard, even though Iím seeing an IC, coming here, and being a Catholic, I gave that up to confession).
But am totally feeling the changing those things that I felt truly need changing. Working on me to the extent that I can, GAL as much as I can, improving my own appearance, and focusing on my two S (things I do around the house I frame as either doing for myself, or for them, or for all 3 of us).