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A Message from Michele
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You will not die #2823726
11/24/18 05:09 PM
11/24/18 05:09 PM
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 3,335
U
uRworthy Offline OP
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uRworthy  Offline OP
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U
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 3,335
Hello all. I am an old timer....11 years post bomb drop. Man, how did that happen?LOL!

I haven't posted in a while and I am not sure what prompted me to post today, but here goes.

You will not die. That's the truth of it. I thought I would. I really did. I did not think I would survive it. For a lot of reasons.

But i did. Mostly because of the generous, loving people I met here, my wonderful therapist and my son. But also because of me. The work I did. The strength I found.

I came kicking and screaming into DB. I could not get it for the longest time. It made no sense to me. Detach?? Let him go?? Find me? What??? My marriage was ending. The life I knew was gone. How could doing all of that help?

So, I kept making excuses. I kept fighting the idea of all of this.

Until one day....I didn't.

And that is when I had to roll up my sleeves and do the work.

It isn't easy this. I had set backs and I ran into my hole. The people here...my people... wouldn't let me do that for long. They challenged me and consoled me and pushed me. Held me up when I couldn't do it myself. It was a long journey...mainly because of my stubbornness...Be quiet, Mach. smile.

I can promise you this: Once you decide and I mean really decide to let go....your life begins anew.

You see, they cant move through their stuff, while you are hanging onto their pant legs. And you cant move through yours either. How can you see forward when they are in the way? You way down there? They are running towards a life they think they want while you are weighing them down.

The only way to do this...is to leave them to do their thing. And it will be ok. You will be
growing and changing and becoming who you were always meant to be.

Leave them to their journey. You walk yours.

You wont die from this. You will be reborn.

Re: You will not die [Re: uRworthy] #2823735
11/24/18 06:01 PM
11/24/18 06:01 PM
Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 24
UK
R
Ruby100 Offline
New Member
Ruby100  Offline
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R
Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 24
UK
Thanks uRworthy, I really needed to hear this today.
Iím really pleased that you found yourself after all the heartbreak.


M 1986
ILYBINILWY Jan 2016
Found out about affair May 2016.
H 57yrs. OW 23 yrs younger.
Separated Sept 2016
Re: You will not die [Re: uRworthy] #2823739
11/24/18 06:31 PM
11/24/18 06:31 PM
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 504
G
Grace21 Offline
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Grace21  Offline
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G
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 504
Very timely! Thanks for the inspiration.


M: 56
H: 57
S: 22
D: 20

H Moved out: 10/1/18
Re: You will not die [Re: uRworthy] #2823742
11/24/18 06:58 PM
11/24/18 06:58 PM
Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 312
T
Turbine Offline
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Turbine  Offline
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T
Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 312
Need to hear this. Really need it to sink in. Not that you have to uRworthy, but could you share what it was that flipped the switch" on your fighting DB?

I think I found mine. Time will tell about that though.


H (me) 56 ; W 53 ; M 31 ; D 31 ; D 28 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 11, 10, 9, 7, 1
Re: You will not die [Re: Turbine] #2823808
11/25/18 02:04 PM
11/25/18 02:04 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 26,504
Southern Maryland
job Offline

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job  Offline

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Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 26,504
Southern Maryland
Welcome back!

Thank you for posting and providing sage advice to the posters. It takes a while for the sage advice to settle in, but once it does, life will get a bit easier for each of you because you will not be focusing quite as much on what your spouse/companion is doing because you will then be focusing on you and your family.

Print off uRworthy's advice and re-read it often. It's priceless.

Re: You will not die [Re: uRworthy] #2823809
11/25/18 02:09 PM
11/25/18 02:09 PM
Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 708
F
FlySolo Offline
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FlySolo  Offline
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F
Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 708
Thank you for posting. I too needed to read this yesterday and most days to be honest. I wish you well on your life's journey and hope that it continues to bring you blessings and joy.


W40 (me), H40
M14, Together 16
D12, D9

BD Oct 17
Moved out Mar 18

Re: You will not die [Re: FlySolo] #2823881
11/26/18 12:59 AM
11/26/18 12:59 AM
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 3,335
U
uRworthy Offline OP
Member
uRworthy  Offline OP
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U
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 3,335
Hi Job!! How are you, sweet lady?

I was asked what made me start letting go. Mostly I was going down cheeseless tunnels, right? I mean what I was doing wasn't helping the situation.

I started to ask myself some questions. Was what I was doing or not doing getting me to where I wanted to be? The answer was no, it wasn't.

He was still running...as fast as he could. I was still crying, clinging, watching for any sign that he was looking my way.

That wasn't good for anyone.

So I had start to look within. What were my contributions to the breakdown of the marriage. Now that doesn't mean that I was taking the blame for his actions. Nope. Those were all his. It meant that I had to be honest with myself. Once I owned only MY stuff, I set about trying to change those things that I felt needed changing.

And the great thing about starting that journey was, I took my power back.

I realized that I didn't have to like what he said about me and the marriage. I didn't have to agree with it all, but, I did have to hear it.

Please understand. I did not work on me with the hope that he would change his mind. Those kinds of changes don't last and they see right through them. I did this for me. I needed to take back my life

What happens then is that you see them more clearly, too. You aren't looking at them from a place of fear, but, from a place of strength.

You do you. Focus on you and your children if you have any. Leave them to their craziness.

Make the changes. Let them see strength and confidence. Feel it deep in your soul. Because you are worthy. smile

Re: You will not die [Re: uRworthy] #2823883
11/26/18 01:04 AM
11/26/18 01:04 AM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,215
D
DejaVu6 Offline
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DejaVu6  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,215
Thank you. I will read this over many times.


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: You will not die [Re: uRworthy] #2824769
11/29/18 03:14 PM
11/29/18 03:14 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 536
Orange County, CA
B
Bo562 Offline
Member
Bo562  Offline
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B
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 536
Orange County, CA
Hi uRworthy,

Iíve seen the ideas youíve written about here elsewhere, and I am starting to more intentionally come around on this.

Iím admittedly struggling at times with looking at my negative contributions to our marriageóand still feeling regret at times over that (and it still every now and then drags me down hard, even though Iím seeing an IC, coming here, and being a Catholic, I gave that up to confession).

But am totally feeling the changing those things that I felt truly need changing. Working on me to the extent that I can, GAL as much as I can, improving my own appearance, and focusing on my two S (things I do around the house I frame as either doing for myself, or for them, or for all 3 of us).

Thanks for the wisdom.


M: 36
W: 30
T: 9
M: 7

S6 (OS)
S7mo (YS)

ILYBINILWY BD: Feb. Ď18

W Wants S / D BD: 1/4/19

H / W still in-house

D papers from W: 3/14/19
Re: You will not die [Re: uRworthy] #2825028
11/30/18 05:53 PM
11/30/18 05:53 PM
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 3,335
U
uRworthy Offline OP
Member
uRworthy  Offline OP
Member
U
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 3,335
Hi Bo. Trust me on this...I was extremely hard on myself when confronting my part in the breakdown of my marriage. Extremely. I took all the blame...and then I realized a few things.

Anything I did or didn't do was never with the intent to cause harm. That mattered to me...the intent.

And I did the best I could at the time.Had I known better..I would have done better.

If you hang onto all if that, it weighs you down. It stops you from moving forward.

So..forgive yourself and make sure you aren't taking on their stuff.

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