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Sorry i haven't been able to keep up with you Sia- I've been thinking about you lately . I hope you and your daughters are well.As for this upcoming D know that my prayers are with you and your family . Blessings!


M51 w50
T-20Yrs M-16Yrs
S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up
1 Awesum dog
BD 10/31/17
separate rooms 02/08/18
wife moved out 05/17/18

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sia Offline OP
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Dear DB friends, I have been visiting the site less frequently I just didnt have the energy to update my sitch anymore. I have been reading along and rooting for all of you. Life is going fine, working a lot with the L, the finances, the custody case everything drains me most days. Working with a L leaves such a bitter taste in your mouth. Not that any of these experiences are good, the legal matter just strains it further. For now, seems like WH has decided to stay put for the sake of kids and not move across the country. The good news is the kids will have their dad around, the bad news is , now that he has decided to not move he is coming for 50/50 custody. Its such a miserable experience either way you dissect it. Amidst all this, no idea how his R with OW is going, still seems to have my D3 talk to her occasionally on video chat so must be all rosy, I neither care nor bother myself with that anymore. I even took the state mandated parenting class for D parents, I must be the only nut case sobbing at children stories there. My children are both my strength and my weakness.
I am emotionally not healed, but I am far enough to realize there is not going to be an easy solution to my stich. As long as WH does not think with his brain there is nothing anybody can do. There is still some contact between us because of the kids and a lot of drama but I dont fret about that stuff anymore. He blamed me that I was spreading rumors about him at work which I denied and told him I wouldnt do anything that would hurt my children even indirectly. But seems like there have been some consequences to his actions. I am trying to remove myself completely from it, this was all his choice so he has to reap what he has sown. I am in my own world not playing any part in his drama. We may have to sell the house because it would be a financial burden for me to maintain it, so I am making peace with it these days.
I am not healed fully, far from being happy but I am not a disaster at least. I go through the D motions like a zombie, I give my best to my job and GAL and with my kids I leave my troubles behind and blissfully immerse myself in their love. our baby turned 1 last week, this all started when she was about 2 months, its been a year to remember to say the least.

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Sia,

Good to hear from you. I can't imagine that the legal process is at all enjoyable in a situation like this. Just keep your head down and keep doing what you need to do.

It's great to hear that you can find joy in your time with the kids. Treasure that time, and be grateful for it. They will grow up incredibly fast.

Of course you aren't healed fully, very few of us on here are. I have been thinking about that a lot recently and I think that healing is a nearly never-ending process. You'll never reach the goal-line and think, "ok, I'm finally healed and can get on with my life now." But just because you aren't fully healed doesn't mean that you can't get on with your life, live it to the fullest, and find your passions. Don't close yourself off to new experiences, or to emotions. I know that I can sometimes numb myself so as not to feel anything as a way to get through tough times, but I don't think that is the healthiest way forward.

Sending you much love and positive thoughts,


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
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sia Offline OP
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Hi DB family, hope you all had a wonderful thanksgiving. Sorry for the long write up I am catching up on a couple of weeks here.
It has been the hardest year of my life, but to be honest, this may be the first year I have realized and actually been thankful for all the things in my life that are still so wonderful. You all were definitely on my list of expressing gratitude for.

I have been doing well all things considered. Busy with kids, GAL and finding new avenues for myself. Sometimes I am so busy that I run out of time, it is great because it gives me very less time to think about WH, although I admit he does cross my mind few times a day I am not possessed by it anymore.I am practicing mindfulness a lot and it has been immensely helpful

Things with L and D have been continuing, lot of darkness there that is to be expected I suppose. We have a custody hearing in a couple of weeks, every time I speak about this to L it is like peeling scab off of my deep wounds.
But I have convinced myself that whatever happens will be for the best, for me and my kids, I am not going to suffer and fear that I might lose half their childhood. Instead, I will give them 100% of me when they are with me, techincally, if I was only 50% mentally available to them all days it would be the same right. In fact I want to do the most in the time that I actually get with them, they deserve my full attention every single minute.

I attended the court mandated parenting class, all that they could teach me was about 10% of what this site has to offer. The amount of knowledge and advice here is amazing, both as a LBW and a single mother I have gained so much from it. One of the guys who was attending this class, chatted me up for quite a bit and was clearly showing a bit too much attention. Admittedly it was a good ego boost, but I got away as quickly and politely as I could, I am so not ready to start dating and complicate my life further. I have read here that this could be one way to get WH back, but I have too much in my life to handle than going down this path, I dont want WH back because he is jealous or insecure I want a more rounded person.

For WH updates, he dropped off kids unexpectedly one night last week although he had asked for an additional night during the holidays. He seemed very upset on the call and cried when he dropped off the kids saying what he did for them wasnt being enough. I felt sorry for him and told him we were both doing the best as parents and the kids will have their days and miss one of us. He went away without much convo. I shared this with my GF later in the day and she pointed out that he may have done this to spend more time with OW and it actually could be true because I think she was visiting him so he had requested for a schedule change with kids previously. I felt like a fool but to be honest I would be nice to any person who cried in front of me. i wasnt swept by love to console him, it did bother me that he was crying but maybe I fell face first into that. Inviting 2x4s here, please.

My mom seems to have written him a bitter good bye email asking him to leave me in peace and go away for good. He forwarded it to me and asked for my response, I declined saying this is between them, i play no part in it and do not wish to respond. It is her closure I suppose, I am not going to give her a hard time nor am I going to participate in this fruitless convo.
He expresses frustration when I dont text him back right away and he is just as lost as he was before. The beautiful thing I have realized is, I dont want him back with all this baggage and unresolved complications. I would have been a loving, loyal wife with all my faults but since he has decided this MR is not for him I will share my love and loyalty with everyone else in my life who deserve it and still cherish me.

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You are just doing brilliantly. Kindness and compassion are a gift to you as much to anyone else. You are keeping firm boundaries, being yourself, and not allowing yourself to be pulled into the drama. I love what you say about trusting the process and being a 100% parent for however much time you have. I wish more people here took that approach. Why would anyone not want an extra day with their kids even if it meant more time for the OP. Hats off to you, Sia. You have so much to teach everyone here about grace and dignity.

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(((sia))) You amaze me. You are a model DBer. I know it can be draining to post here too and painful to even spell out the words at times. I hope that you will continue to do so. I want posters to see that it is okay to let go! It is best for you and your sanity to just let go of this toxic man and focus on you and your girls. You are not hanging on to the idea of him or disillusioned that having him back would be better for you. He would need to change and be remorseful before you even considered him! So you know you don't need to waste time worrying about him because he has not shown you someone that can be trusted or share mature love. You don't want him as he is.

Most posters just hang on to their M, the idea that it would be better with them, and they are not doing the hard work that leads to healthy detachment. I struggled with this for a long time too. You really seem to get it and so I believe you will heal and feel better in time. You also build confidence as you know your worth and won't settle for less. Pining for someone that is rejecting us, is toxic to our soul. That toxicity keeps us feeling low about ourselves and so we long even more for someone that is not worthy of us. .... And your progress is rare for someone here that has been at it for under a year. I hope you can give yourself credit for that and find additional strength and resolve. We can all learn something from your story! Your girls are lucky to have you as their mama.

Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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You are shining so bright S. Your light is glaring!


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
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sia Offline OP
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Thank you One, Blu and Neff. I actually write and sound way more positive than I really feel. I am just trying to incorporate positivity in my speech, my writing and as much as possible in thoughts as part of my healing process. But I am still a mess a lot of times. I was tearing up reading your words of encouragement, that is how fragile I am sometimes. If someone shows me any affection I seem to get emotional, I know this is a sign of emotional vulnerability but eventually I will get to a place where I find myself again.
I still really miss my old H, our lovely R, the family we had and my best friend. I still really want him back. But the man that is here today is not that same person, he has metamorphosized into something alien that I have no link to. He not only betrayed me while I was pregnant and just had a baby, but the cruelty shown there after was beyond what any sane human would do to another being. I tolerated so much thinking I am doing it for the sake of my daughters. I havent elaborated all the events in the last few months but he has troubled me in every possible way legally, emotionally, financially. I have accepted it must be a karmic relationship, I am paying back for something I must have really wronged him for previously. I am a techie by profession but I have leaned so much into the metaphysical realm for support to make any sense of my life at this phase.
While my future life is uncertain, I know I will survive and find my path. For my own sanity I need him as far away from me as possible. Unlike a lot of other WAS here, he has been relentless with D, dragged me to a mediation 2 months post BD and when that fell through filed in court. The truth is any man out there will treat me so much better than WH and I have so much to offer that I deserve the best. I am not willing to be someone's fall back option.
I have gained so much from this forum, the support and love here is unconditional. If not for this place I would have taken so much longer to get to the mental state I am in today.
While it still feels like the biggest tragedy of my life, I am ok with D. If he wants back he needs to prove his worth.

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If YOU want...


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Joined: Sep 2018
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Originally Posted by neffer
If YOU want...
LOL Neffer, Hugs.

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