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#2822308 11/15/18 10:35 PM
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I am dealing with a very strong desire for revenge (Wife cheated on me and lied about it being "just emotional" for YEARS) I am struggling with GAL and feel like the only way I can get her attention is if I go OUT- like to a club or bar or dance party or something where there's at least the possibility that I could get revenge. I feel like most of me knows this is a bad idea, but some of me...doesn't care? Please talk me out of it?

SJSF #2822311 11/15/18 11:02 PM
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Dude..... slow down. First keep every thing to one forum thread so we can keep track. 2nd take a breath, you sound like you are in panic mode. Sure, go out to a bar, dance party, etc but don't do it for revenge. Where is that going to get you? Do it to GAL (get a life) don't hook up with some woman, don't get inebriated. You are not GAL to get attention, you are GAL to help you improve your life, to get your mind of your sitch.


H(37) W(35)
D8, D5, S3
T20, M13
BD 8/31/18
EA Discovered 9/13/18
Mediation 10/3/18
W files for D 10/12/18
W moves out 11/10/18
EA confirmed 12/25/18
D Final 1/10/19
SJSF #2822312 11/15/18 11:07 PM
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Think of your sitch like quicksand, you are thrashing and struggling and you are just going to sink in deeper. Stay calm, cool, and collected. Troubleshoot your way through this without making drastic movement. Move slow and deliberate. This is hard, probably harder than anything you have ever done. One way or another you will make it through it, be it with W or without.


H(37) W(35)
D8, D5, S3
T20, M13
BD 8/31/18
EA Discovered 9/13/18
Mediation 10/3/18
W files for D 10/12/18
W moves out 11/10/18
EA confirmed 12/25/18
D Final 1/10/19
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Beat this into your brain. Say it over and over again until its second nature. Believe nothing they say and only half of what they do.
Another saying I use when dealing with W is "assume the worst and hope for the best."


H(37) W(35)
D8, D5, S3
T20, M13
BD 8/31/18
EA Discovered 9/13/18
Mediation 10/3/18
W files for D 10/12/18
W moves out 11/10/18
EA confirmed 12/25/18
D Final 1/10/19
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Originally Posted by Twofeet
Dude..... slow down. First keep every thing to one forum thread so we can keep track.


Sorry about that- I thought different threads for different issues/questions, otherwise it doesn't match the subject/title

Originally Posted by Twofeet
Think of your sitch like quicksand, you are thrashing and struggling and you are just going to sink in deeper. Stay calm, cool, and collected. Troubleshoot your way through this without making drastic movement. Move slow and deliberate. This is hard, probably harder than anything you have ever done. One way or another you will make it through it, be it with W or without.


This is a really helpful reminder. Thanks. And yes, I am thrashing and panicking. I'm not showing her that, but that's where I am.

SJSF #2822323 11/16/18 12:47 AM
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SJSF,

I still think about doing what you're doing when it comes to going out and hooking up. Believe me, if there was an opportunity for me to proceed I would have quite the fight and I would probably give in.

That being said, do not do that just as an act of revenge. You're better than her. You can be. You WILL be. It's going to take a lot of time, but I hear that the journey is worth it.


1/6/18-BD OM1
2/18-W meets OM2
4/18-W intros D4 to OM2
5/18-“Romance ends"
7/18-DB start
7/18-IHS Ends
4/19-WW moves out
3/21-D filed

Formerly pain18

Rise.

SJSF #2822376 11/16/18 02:38 PM
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I have merged your two threads together. Please stick to one thread until you have reached 100 postings/replies. You can change the title within your thread at any time.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Originally Posted by SJSF
I've found the DB approach to really resonate with me and I'm working hard to stop my pursuing behaviors. The questions I have right now are:

1) I'm working on not texting/emailing/calling her during the day, but we have 2 youngish kids and I am frequently needing to make contact about kid logistics. Does this still come off as pursuing? How do I get around this?

2)I'm not going to say "i love you" again, but she said it to me the other night (after an awkward semi-date that was tense and awkward because I was not in my right mind) and I didn't respond- but now panicky that I did the wrong thing by not reciprocating?

Background: married 11 years, 2 kids. In CC 4 years ever since she came forward saying she was "disconnected" from me, which turned into confessing to an EA, which, 3 weeks ago she admitted was a PA (claims they had sex only once and has had only professional contact since then. I made her send an email to AP saying she wants no contact which she quickly agreed to) It's very confusing for me becuase she shows up to therapy (we've been in it 4 years!!!) but has been lying/deceiving/distancing the whole time.
Help is much appreciated.


1. If you don't want to come off as pursuing, make sure you are not pursuing. It's all in your attitude and tone. Well, words matter too but you, I, and everyone knows what is pursuit. Just don't lie to yourself. It's easy to do when you're going through something like this.

2. If she says ILY (I love you), you can say it back. Just don't beg and plead and say ILY.

"Professional contact" means not getting involved in EA's and PA's. It's past that IMO. Lying to the therapist is normal, almost expected at first. How long have you been doing therapy/marriage conuseling?


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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Also,

If you so desire another woman, get a divorce. You are being emotional and childish by responding to an affair with an affair of your own. You need to calm down, get your mind and body right, and be who you really are. Don't let other people make you act like a turd.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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Originally Posted by Cadet
stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)


Part of my welcome post.


Me-68, D36,S35
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