I posted this in the MLC thread and was encouraged to share my story in this thread as well. So here goes:
I suspect that my H is in a full-blown midlife crisis.
Here’s a brief overview of what I’m dealing with:
Last year he seemed to change out of nowhere. He told me he was not attracted to me, told me he was not happy, told me he was not in love with me. Then I found out he was having an affair with a young co-worker. He was 41 and she was 26. Of course, he denied the fair in the beginning but he eventually came clean. She just made him feel alive again...blah blah blah.
I told him he couldn’t be with her and met at the same time so he needed to leave. He said ok and started looking for apartments. Then one day he decided he made a mistake and wanted to stay, he cut things off with her. She started doing crazy stuff and even faked like she was pregnant by him. She turned out to have not been the special gift that he thought she was. Of course, there is a lot more but I’m trying to make this as short as I possibly can.
So we decide to work on our marriage post affair. We buy a house and I get to work on all the things he claims let go the affair. Prior to the affair, we weren’t being intimate. I can admit that I was the cause of that. I can admit that I wasn’t available to my husband sexually. But I don’t take the blame for him having an affair because he could have made a different choice. So...we buy a house and move past the affair. I dealt with the pain of the affair and the visions of someone sleeping with my husband. But I went into full save my marriage mode. Which means I pulled myself together and tried to forget the affair.
Meanwhile, he was being very transparent in an effort to rebuild the trust. He seemed to feel regretful for his infidelity. Things seemed to be getting so much better. We seemed so happy. I even checked in with him periodically to see if we were on the right track. I wanted to keep the communication strong. I wanted him to tell me if he was feeling unhappy or if there were things we needed to work on. He would always say, he was happy with the way things were going. Our sex life improved and all seemed well.
Then a couple of months ago he had to go out of town for work. A 2-week work trip turned into a 6-week work trip. While away his work trip seemed more like a paid vacation rather than work. He was site seeing, going to the beach, hanging out with co-workers, oh he was having a blast. Meanwhile, I was back at home with all the responsibilities. I told him how much I missed him and he said he missed me too. But I slowly got the feeling something wasn’t right. It made me sad, very sad.
When he got home from that trip, I could tell he was distant. So I told him such. At first, he tried to play it off. I thought maybe it was because he was tired because he had been working a lot. But something in my gut said there was more to it. So I pressed. And he hit me with the yes he was distant. While he was away in Hawaii he was happy. I told him that it seemed like he didn’t want to come home. He told me that he almost didn’t want to come home. I said I guess not since your only responsibility there was to get up and go to work. Then the rest of the day you were free to have a blast.
He went on to say he wasn’t sure what was going on with him. That maybe he was just tired. Then a few weeks later he hit me with the, I’m not happy. I feel like I’m missing something. He said Hawaii gave him time to think about that. We spent our 11th wedding anniversary partially talking about his unhappiness. I cried, he cried. I’ve only seen my husband cry 1 time and that was at his father’s funeral. He said he was confused and lost and that he wanted me to be patient with him. He didn’t mention a divorce he just said he needed time to figure things out. I said ok.
Then a couple of weeks later he stays home from work and we go out to lunch. While at lunch a song comes on the radio. He chuckles. I ask what’s so funny, he gives me some BS explanation. When we got home, his “work” phone lights up on the table. The work phone is how he communicated with his former mistress, so it’s definitely a sore spot. I look at the message and it’s from some female. I confront him and he says she’s a friend. Well turns out he met this chick at a bar in Hawaii. She’s going through a divorce and he told her that he was married but unhappy. I’m sorry, I didn’t know that. Keep in mind he didn’t tell me he was unhappy until he got back from Hawaii. So that means he told her before he told me. Apparently, when he met her he told her if he decides to make a move, he may come to see her.
So that day that she text him and I saw it, he initiated that. He texts her to tell her that he was out to eat and the song that was playing in the bar when he met her came on the radio. He said that made him think of her so he texts her. I’m pissed as you may imagine and I tell him I’m done. He goes into the whole I’m sorry I was wrong I shouldn’t have done that but you know I’m unhappy.
So here’s where we are now...he’s unhappy...he feels like he’s missing something...he’s lost...he’s confused...he needs to go find happiness. He’s not sure what that will be. He’s not sure what that will look like but he just knows he can’t stay with me. He just told me a few days ago that he loves me but he has fallen out of love with me. That broke me down. I’ve tried to ration with him and make him realize what he’s about to throw away. When I tell you we had an amazing marriage and that he has been an awesome husband, I’m being honest. It truly feels like out of the blue last year, he changed. I don’t know the person he is now.
Now here is the kicker...he’s told me all the above but still wants to have sex with me. Still tells me he loves me every day. Says he misses me (we are sleeping in separate rooms) and still wants to touch all over me. I have cut his tail clean off. He’s getting nothing from me. And now he’s relentless in pursuing me. He can’t understand why we can’t still have sex. Just last night he said, you’re still my wife and I love you, why can’t we have sex. I rejected him and told him to his room. He begged and pleaded like a little kid. WTF? Like how is it possible to not be in love with someone and be ready to move on with your life but act this way. It’s so freaking weird. But I’m staying strong, I’m not giving into temptation. But I will admit it’s so confusing. I don’t know what’s wrong with him or who he is anymore. He hasn’t asked me for a divorce but said eventually he’s leaving. He went to go visit my daughter at college yesterday and she asked him was he sure he wanted a divorce and he told her yes. He’s never communicated that to me. Just last night while he was begging, he said I haven’t asked you for a divorce yet. Like Hugh? This is so weird. Has anyone here ever been through this? My husband is constantly giving me mixed signals and it’s nuts.
My husband will be 46 in a few months. I’m 42 We have been married 11 years together 12. We don’t share any children together but have kids from our previous relationships. I have 3 kids and he has 2. His kids live in a different state than us. My kid's ages are: 21, 18, and 15 He is the only father my 15-year-old knows and he’s a good dad to him even though he isn’t biologically his. He claims my son as his own. His kids are 21, and 17.
Last edited by Living; 11/05/1804:22 PM.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Here is some additional information I shared in response to a member's questions:
My husband's father passed away 10 months prior to his affair and what I believe was the beginning of this crisis he’s in. He had a strained relationship with his father growing up. However, they had started to mend things. His father apologized to him for everything and let my husband know he was proud of him. I know the death of his father affected him greatly. I would say now looking back, things changed after that.
He has a horrible relationship with his mother and blames her for allowing his stepfather to be verbally and emotionally abusive to him growing up. It seems he blames his mother for his childhood more than he blames his father. His father was an alcoholic who wasn’t reliable.
Here are the things I have been able to get out of him in the last few weeks when he has opened up:
1. He’s confused
2. He’s unhappy
3. He feels like he put so much pressure on himself to be better than his father, mother, and stepfather. He wanted to be a better father, husband, and provider than they were.
4. He says that he has some demons/skeletons in his closet that he doesn’t want to talk about. I suggested therapy and he told me that I’m the only person in the world that he trusts so if he won’t tell me, why would he tell a total stranger. He was in tears when we had this discussion. Come to think of it, he’s cried a lot on the past few weeks.
5. He is not really receptive to therapy but has scheduled an appointment to go.
6. The other day he cried and told me about 2 friends that committed suicide. One was an HS friend the other was a former fellow soldier (my husband is a retired soldier). He said although he hasn’t thought about hurting himself he can kind of understand why they would do it. That scared me. But he assured me that he wasn’t thinking about harming himself.
7. I again suggested therapy and suggested that he may be suffering from depression. He just says maybe.
8. He’s not sleeping well either
He does seem to be battling with some serious things. It does seem like he’s hurting and he wants to run. Yesterday he mentioned to my daughter that he may take a job in another state. He’s never mentioned that to me. Maybe he told her because he figured she would tell me. I’m not sure.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
I am really sorry you are going through this right now.
I am going to give you my opinion. He's manipulating you. He wants to have affairs with younger woman and still have the comforts of the family and home. It is good you stopped having sex with him. Sounds like your'e ready to cave which will put you back at ground zero.
Lets look at actions and consequences. He has affairs and the consequences are he sleeps in other room and you have not had sex with him in two weeks. I have married friends who go way longer then that.
This is very troublesome to read because it sounds to me that it is like a game to him.
I am really sorry you are going through this right now.
I am going to give you my opinion. He's manipulating you. He wants to have affairs with younger woman and still have the comforts of the family and home. It is good you stopped having sex with him. Sounds like your'e ready to cave which will put you back at ground zero.
Lets look at actions and consequences. He has affairs and the consequences are he sleeps in other room and you have not had sex with him in two weeks. I have married friends who go way longer then that.
This is very troublesome to read because it sounds to me that it is like a game to him.
LH19,
I assure you that I am not going to cave. It is hard to withdraw and detach, I'm just acknowledging that when I say that I miss my husband. Truth is I miss the man he used to be. I miss the man I fell in love with. I'm not fond of this new person he has become.
To my knowledge, he has only had 1 physical affair, which was last year. Trust me when I say that I know there was no excuse for his affair. He is a grown man and could have made a better decision.
I will not be sleeping with him or having sex with him. I agree with you that he was trying to manipulate me. However, that is over. I refuse to allow myself to continue to be played. Therefore no matter how hard this may be, I'm choosing to just focus on myself. I'm choosing my self-respect.
Do I want my marriage to work? Sure I do! But if and when he comes to his senses, we won't be just picking up where we left off. Too much has been said and too much has been done. It will take some real work to patch this marriage up.
My husband appears to be in a full-blown mid-life crisis and unfortunately, there is nothing I can do about that. This is a journey he must take on his own.
Thank you for your comments, I truly appreciate it.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Your H or W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
P.S. Please stick to one thread until you've reached 100 postings.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Living. I am sorry you are here but glad that you have found your way to this board. There are many amazing people on here who have some great advice. It is advice that is tough to follow when you are still reeling from all of this and emotions are high but the sooner you can do what they suggest, the better off you will be. I am seven weeks into my H’s crisis although my H has been “gone” a lot longer than that. It has been seven weeks since I was “in the know”. My H, too, told his daughter (my SD) that he wants a divorce. He has not said it to me. The one day he came close was around week three when he told me he didn’t want to be married, that he didn’t love me anymore and that he was leaving. Six hours later he did a 180 and told me he wanted to come home and was texting me all kinds of suggestions about things we could do to help him get better. A week of “packing [stuff that he had secretly moved to his new place] and processing” followed... at the end of which, he was still not ready to come home. I finally just told him to go and not to come back until he wants to be here. That was a month ago. He seems pretty happy where he is and again told my SD yesterday that he wants a D... to me, he says he has no plan and we are “on a break”. Looking back, I have realized that despite having made some really positive changes and having some good days, I have still been covertly pursuing him and pressuring him. A few R talks that seemed to go really well at the time but in hindsight, I think my H was doing his own version of DBing and was just listening and validating all the while thinking to himself that he just needs to endure my “feelings” until I am ready to accept divorce as the answer to his problems. So this week I am resolving to reduce my contact with him and just let him be. I have been my H’s best friend for 13 years so it is hard not to want to comfort him when he is down or rejoice with him when he is up but I know I need to stop, for my sake. Anyway...don’t mean to hijack your thread. I just wanted you to know that I feel your pain. I know what you are going through. For your sake, the sooner you can leave your H to do his thing, the better. The OWs in your sitch are just symptoms and not worth worrying about. Good for you for setting some strong boundaries early on. That will only benefit you in the long run. (((HUGS)))
You have a WH. He wants his cake and eat it too. The best thing you can do is take his cake away from him, like you did with the first affair. "You can't have me AND her."
Look she lives in Hawaii. He knows it is a pipe-dream, but it will linger on as an EA only as long as you let it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I am really sorry you are going through this right now.
I am going to give you my opinion. He's manipulating you. He wants to have affairs with younger woman and still have the comforts of the family and home. It is good you stopped having sex with him. Sounds like your'e ready to cave which will put you back at ground zero.
Lets look at actions and consequences. He has affairs and the consequences are he sleeps in other room and you have not had sex with him in two weeks. I have married friends who go way longer then that.
This is very troublesome to read because it sounds to me that it is like a game to him.
LH19,
Originally Posted by Living
I assure you that I am not going to cave. It is hard to withdraw and detach, I'm just acknowledging that when I say that I miss my husband. Truth is I miss the man he used to be. I miss the man I fell in love with. I'm not fond of this new person he has become.
Detaching takes a really long time. Keep in mind that the husband you fell in love with is likely going to be gone for a really long time.
Originally Posted by Living
To my knowledge, he has only had 1 physical affair, which was last year. Trust me when I say that I know there was no excuse for his affair. He is a grown man and could have made a better decision.
So you believe the Hawaii girl was not an affair?
Originally Posted by Living
I will not be sleeping with him or having sex with him. I agree with you that he was trying to manipulate me. However, that is over. I refuse to allow myself to continue to be played. Therefore no matter how hard this may be, I'm choosing to just focus on myself. I'm choosing my self-respect.
This is a really good statement! Stick to it.
Originally Posted by Living
Do I want my marriage to work? Sure I do! But if and when he comes to his senses, we won't be just picking up where we left off. Too much has been said and too much has been done. It will take some real work to patch this marriage up.
This is also a good statement make sure you also stick to this or it won't work out long-term.
Originally Posted by Living
My husband appears to be in a full-blown mid-life crisis and unfortunately, there is nothing I can do about that. This is a journey he must take on his own.
What makes you think it's MLC? When you say there is nothing you can do about it, what do you mean? That you do not have choices?
You sound like you are on the right track so stick to what you posted above.
Hi Living. I am sorry you are here but glad that you have found your way to this board. There are many amazing people on here who have some great advice. It is advice that is tough to follow when you are still reeling from all of this and emotions are high but the sooner you can do what they suggest, the better off you will be. I am seven weeks into my H’s crisis although my H has been “gone” a lot longer than that. It has been seven weeks since I was “in the know”. My H, too, told his daughter (my SD) that he wants a divorce. He has not said it to me. The one day he came close was around week three when he told me he didn’t want to be married, that he didn’t love me anymore and that he was leaving. Six hours later he did a 180 and told me he wanted to come home and was texting me all kinds of suggestions about things we could do to help him get better. A week of “packing [stuff that he had secretly moved to his new place] and processing” followed... at the end of which, he was still not ready to come home. I finally just told him to go and not to come back until he wants to be here. That was a month ago. He seems pretty happy where he is and again told my SD yesterday that he wants a D... to me, he says he has no plan and we are “on a break”. Looking back, I have realized that despite having made some really positive changes and having some good days, I have still been covertly pursuing him and pressuring him. A few R talks that seemed to go really well at the time but in hindsight, I think my H was doing his own version of DBing and was just listening and validating all the while thinking to himself that he just needs to endure my “feelings” until I am ready to accept divorce as the answer to his problems. So this week I am resolving to reduce my contact with him and just let him be. I have been my H’s best friend for 13 years so it is hard not to want to comfort him when he is down or rejoice with him when he is up but I know I need to stop, for my sake. Anyway...don’t mean to hijack your thread. I just wanted you to know that I feel your pain. I know what you are going through. For your sake, the sooner you can leave your H to do his thing, the better. The OWs in your sitch are just symptoms and not worth worrying about. Good for you for setting some strong boundaries early on. That will only benefit you in the long run. (((HUGS)))
DejaVu6,
My heart breaks for you. Thank you so much for the warm welcome and no worries, you didn't hijack my thread. I hate saying that it's good that there are people who understand what I'm going through. I say that because I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy. My husband and I have been the best of friends so I know exactly what you mean. Up until a year ago, we had an awesome marriage. That is why this is so hard for me. There was no abuse or any sort. We didn't even argue. However, something changed. In working with my thera[ist, we think this change may have started to take place after his father died.
It is a tough road to not want to comfort and love on them. My husband hurt his finger at work and had to have a minor out-patient procedure on it. I wanted so bad to comfort him in the worst way. However, I just told him I hoped it felt better and left it at that.
The only thing I know to do is to continue to protect myself. It's obvious that my husband doesn't think rationally right now. So I choose to protect myself. I'm sending you lot's of hugs as well. I pray it gets better for you.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
You have a WH. He wants his cake and eat it too. The best thing you can do is take his cake away from him, like you did with the first affair. "You can't have me AND her."
Look she lives in Hawaii. He knows it is a pipe-dream, but it will linger on as an EA only as long as you let it.
I agree he wants his cake and wants to eat it too. However, he won't be eating this cake anymore. And believe me, it is killing him. He is begging and pursuing me like a madman. Each time he pursues me, I just shoot him down. He doesn't seem to understand what is going on. Yesterday he told me that he loves and that he knows that I still love him and that I'm just acting like I'm not. So sad...
Oh and as far as the chick in Hawaii, he met her once at the bar when he was there. Yes, they exchanged numbers. She is going through a divorce and told him that she wouldn't even entertain him as long as he was married. I honestly don't believe anything happened between those two beyond what he said. Plus I read the text message she sent him saying that she hoped they stayed connected but he needed to be divorced before they could get to know each other. The truth is, this is not about her. This is about him. I'm married to him. This is about the fact that he thinks just because he is "unhappy" that he can go and try to cheat or start something up with someone else. The message he is missing is that he is trying to find happiness in people and things. He hasn't yet realized that happiness comes from within. So he is trying to start up new relationships thinking that will fix things or make him happy. What he fails to realize is that he has some internal issues that need to be addressed/resolved and until he works through those issues, he will just take them from relationship to relationship.
He has to get to this clarity on his own, I can't force him to see this. I'm no longer trying to control him and what he does. The only person I can control is myself. So I am working on me.
Last edited by Living; 11/05/1805:33 PM.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
