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A Message from Michele
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From the other side (#10) #2820645
11/05/18 02:46 PM
11/05/18 02:46 PM
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 867
Texas
S
SBJ Offline OP
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SBJ  Offline OP
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S
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 867
Texas


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2820648
11/05/18 02:55 PM
11/05/18 02:55 PM
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 867
Texas
S
SBJ Offline OP
Member
SBJ  Offline OP
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 867
Texas
JOURNALING:

Today is the 2 year anniversary of my ex leaving. It is funny how our perspectives change over time. I have immersed myself in building myself back up from the inside out. I have come to realize that I like myself and that maybe she didn't like the person I had morphed into while bending over backward to try and take care of her. I became the yes man that everybody always makes fun of in politics. Anything she wanted I made happen. There was no me left.

God sometimes pushes us into uncomfortable situations so that we can become the people that he intended us to be. I feel that that is what happened in our case. I am not discounting the fact that she is in MLC, but I am saying that she needed to work on herself and I definitely needed to work on myself.

I have and will continue to pray for her and especially our children. I still cannot believe that 2 years has flown by. I am going to take a extra long weekend and spend time with my 2 brothers and several close friends out in nature. I pray that God blesses us with beautiful weather and plentiful game to hunt.

I am not posting on my own sitch much anymore, but I am most definitely following along with several of you that I feel like are my own siblings. I pray that you all find the peace that we are all seeking.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2820826
11/06/18 04:46 AM
11/06/18 04:46 AM
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,111
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Gerda Offline
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Gerda  Offline
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Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,111
Glad to see you here, SBJ. I think of you so often and always wonder how you are, and I always remember you and your W in my prayers. Your faith is always a light to me in the dark dark night!


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: Gerda] #2820862
11/06/18 02:24 PM
11/06/18 02:24 PM
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 867
Texas
S
SBJ Offline OP
Member
SBJ  Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 867
Texas
Gerda, I appreciate the prayers and the kind words. I keep up with your sitch as well, but have decided to pray for you and your husband instead of add my $.02 with my words. Besides, it seems that you are getting some good advice from Gordie and DnJ.

I am looking forward to having a long weekend away from the craziness of our lives. Time spent in the woods is time spent with God in my mind. I wish everyone of us here had the opportunity to get away in that way. It truly calms the soul and the mind.

Whitetail hunting and fly fishing are on my agenda for the next 4/5 days. That and time spent with my brothers and a group of men that are like my brothers. Faith, family, friends, food and fun...make for a great time.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2820982
11/07/18 04:35 AM
11/07/18 04:35 AM
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,111
G
Gerda Offline
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This sounds perfect. I do sometimes get to go to our rentalcabin or to other out-of-city places, and I agree that you can feel God in a way that is very immediate when in His creation. I feel him often in my church, which was built in the 19th century and is very very beautiful; but in God's own creation it is something else for sure. Will you do me a favor? When you are in the deep woods or looking out over the water in dusk or some other gorgeous time, will you say the prayer of Saint Patrick for me? And tell me about it after?

Do you know it? It's the one that starts, "Christ, be with me. Christ above me, Christ below me..."


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: Gerda] #2821065
11/07/18 07:31 PM
11/07/18 07:31 PM
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 867
Texas
S
SBJ Offline OP
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SBJ  Offline OP
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S
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 867
Texas
Will do Gerda...I have the extended version. I will that and many others when I am alone with Him in His creation. Have a great weekend!!!


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2821199
11/08/18 05:37 PM
11/08/18 05:37 PM
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,596
USA
G
Gordie Offline
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Gordie  Offline
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Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,596
USA
SBJ

I am glad you are well

I miss your posts but understand

And I appreciate your prayers

I feel you were praying for me

When I could not pray for myself


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2821266
11/09/18 01:20 AM
11/09/18 01:20 AM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 561
Alabama
L
leahsue Offline
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leahsue  Offline
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Posts: 561
Alabama
To SBJ and also to Gordie- I don't know if you remember me~ I'm a ghost from the past! I haven't been on the forum for some time now. I just felt I needed a break. Recently several things have come up that have brought me back here to this wonderful safe place! I can't seem to locate my old thread, but I have looked through several trying to recognize familiar names. I'm going to read back through both your updates and see what's happened to you, but from the little I've read, it seems you are both doing well.
In His time.....


M-60 H-51
M-14 years
BD 12/26/16
S 1/1/17

"First the pain, then the rising."
Glennon Doyle Melton

Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2821298
11/09/18 12:36 PM
11/09/18 12:36 PM
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 285
Somewhere in Europe
B
Btrow Offline
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Btrow  Offline
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Posts: 285
Somewhere in Europe
leahsue,

just click your username, click show posts and the click topics created


M:46 WXW:40
T:20 M:13
D3,D8,D10
BD:11/12/16
D:12/14/16
OM confirmed 01/20/17
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2830048
12/28/18 04:52 PM
12/28/18 04:52 PM
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 867
Texas
S
SBJ Offline OP
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SBJ  Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 867
Texas
Journaling...I have been absent in writing, but have been following several of my marathon buddies here.

Christmas was interesting for sure. I was invited, yet again, by her parents (divorced) to each of their Christmas parties as well as to dinner at her sisters house on Christmas Eve. All of the parties were enjoyable and I was even able to visit with the W for a little bit. My oldest and I went to her house Christmas morning to open gifts and have breakfast before driving to Houston to one of my brothers homes for my families Christmas party. Whether it is proper DB or not, I did invite her to join us, but it was refused due to her already having plans. I knew that she would turn that down, but I had to ask. I know that it is a year away, but I don't know if I can continue to do joint Christmas things with her again. While it is great to have that time together, it is also emotionally draining.

The holidays are great for so many reasons, but they truly stink for others. I think that I am blessed that I have so many friends, family and extended family that want to spend time with us during the holidays, but the loneliness weighs heaviest for me from Halloween thru New Years. I guess it is because that last quarter is usually the most family oriented time of the year.

I am so grateful that we have this safe place to let go of some things that are weighing us down at times. You guys are great cheer leaders, as well as welcome 2x4 swingers when needed.

I received a text from the w asking if I could watch my youngest two during her week because she is going out of town...I guess I have picked the rope back up a bit, because I now have the wonders. The who, what, where kind of wonders. I will continue to try and drop the rope again and might have to post a bit more often for some much needed 2x4's. I welcome them from most of you guys.

I pray that you all had a good Christmas and that many miracles flowed your ways.

I'm sure I will have more to come, but until then...Happy New Year!!!


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2830055
12/28/18 05:33 PM
12/28/18 05:33 PM
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 273
Texas
S
sjohns6 Offline
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sjohns6  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 273
Texas
SBJ, I am right there with you! I think our timelines are very similar, and I guess we are both in Texas. Howdy, neighbor!

I think the holidays get to all of us in this regard, but reading your post sounded like you were describing how I felt. In the months leading up to the holidays I had gotten to a point that I was rather indifferent to my W. I thought I had finally began moving on. Then, with the holidays and family around, I really started to feel the separation again. I realized that my indifference had a lot to do with not seeing W. But, we spent time together with family over the Christmas holiday and lots of emotions that I didn't realize were still there got stirred up again. I bet its the same for you. Really made my head spin.

Because I am feeling much like you, I'm not sure I can give you any 2x4s. I may need the same so I'll share whatever 2x4s are swung your way! lol

I think we both know the drill. No expectations, focus on yourself and your kids, and live life as if...

We've got this! Hope your New Years is an amazing one!!


Me: 42 yrs
W: 39 yrs
Together: 21 yrs
Married: 15 yrs
Son: 16 yrs
Daughter: 14 yrs
BD: Jan 2017
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2830148
12/29/18 02:06 AM
12/29/18 02:06 AM
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,111
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Gerda Offline
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Gerda  Offline
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Joined: Nov 2014
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SBJ, happy to see you around these parts!

Did you ever go to my friend's restaurant? I think you should talk to her about your feelings. She will have some sage Christian wisdom for you for sure. She always gets my head on straight, and not with the DB 2 x 4's but the Christ ones.

I think it is very normal and natural for you to have those feelings, and I think it is beautiful. One flesh ripped in two HURTS.

My catechist always tells me not to fear suffering. You will find God there. Of course you are suffering this time of year -- especially if you open yourself to the suffering of being around the family. Is it better to avoid them and be alone and deny the kids the chance to be with you both? NO! But it will hurt your heart to do the best thing for others. That's what God did too. It is wrong of your wife to ask you to watch the kids. It is wrong of her to leave you in the first place. It is wrong for her to lead her own life and to make you wonder who she is with by asking you to watch the kids while she is gone. It hurts you, of course. It can drive you mad with hurting. But you will find God in meeting that suffering with His help. Don't be afraid of it, go to it! God will help you there. He can't help you when you avoid suffering, only when you trust Him. First, be grateful for more time with your kids while she is gone. Thank god that it is you who is there and healthy and loving to be there for them. Then --Feel the wound, accept that it is real and it is not your fault or something you can control, and then ask God to heal it. And wait on Him, He will do it.

XO

Last edited by Gerda; 12/29/18 02:07 AM.

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2830724
01/02/19 06:25 PM
01/02/19 06:25 PM
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 273
Texas
S
sjohns6 Offline
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sjohns6  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 273
Texas
SBJ,

And thank YOU for stopping by my thread. You are right about the holidays. I too believe in miracles, and my W did show a little more feeling over the course of them...but I think that now that the holidays have passed that things will slip back to the way they have been. Really a head scratcher...my head is just now slowing down from the spin of the holiday.

I'm in DFW, specifically Fort Worth. Next time you are in Dallas drop me a line. Would love to grab a drink. My son has a volleyball tournament in Katy this coming weekend, but we agreed that W would take him.

Hope your new year is starting out well!


Me: 42 yrs
W: 39 yrs
Together: 21 yrs
Married: 15 yrs
Son: 16 yrs
Daughter: 14 yrs
BD: Jan 2017
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2830772
01/02/19 08:52 PM
01/02/19 08:52 PM
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 404
Illinois
M
marina7 Offline
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Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 404
Illinois
SbJ,

I agree with you and Sjohnson6

After Halloween I started the countdown
Of the holidays, and of course MLCERS get nicer

I know my W had lots of ups and downs my head
wanted to spin but I knew and told myself
W acting this way because of Holidays and court
Coming up.

And everyone here saved me when I journal and
Kept me on track.

Now that the holidays are over, our MLCERS will
began there chananengans.

So stay strong


At BD
Lesbian marriage
Me39,W36
S9,D9,S8 adopted all three
Together almost 10yrs
Bomb Drop - April 2017
W movedout - May,2017
OW June,2017
Currently 2018
Me40, W38
S10,D10,S9
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2830904
01/03/19 01:31 PM
01/03/19 01:31 PM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,317
D
DnJ Offline
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DnJ  Offline
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Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,317
Good Morning SBJ

It was nice to hear an update on your life and the holidays. I am so glad you see the past two years as useful and even needed. You certainly are doing very well.

I understand the pull, and need, to both post and to be silent.

SBJ, share whatever and whenever you want, you are still the most important person in all of this.

DnJ


Current
Me52 XW49 S23 S21 S19 D18

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

I may give up, but not today.
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2832428
01/11/19 07:26 PM
01/11/19 07:26 PM
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 867
Texas
S
SBJ Offline OP
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SBJ  Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 867
Texas
Hey guys, thanks for the positive vibes this new year. First 7 days was OK with nothing new, then I was asked to add some extra days to my allotted child caring days because the ex was going to be out of town. I have tried to drop the rope time and time again so I resisted the urge to know where or with who.

Have you ever spoken to people and totally felt like they were not telling you something on purpose...well that was the case with my children as well as my MIL. It's like they were avoiding talking about the elephant in the room. It made for a very long week. I asked the MIL about the clothes that my youngest was suppose to have and she said that the w had left them in her car. I asked where and I would go get it and her response was hesitant and said...at her "friends" house. I get that people try to keep people from getting hurt, but the secrecy is driving me crazy.

I then spoke to a friend of ours that is a therapist just to get it off of my chest and her response was...I need a sugar daddy to take me places too. I cut that conversation short needless to say. I won't be talking to her any longer. There are some things that just shouldn't be joked about.

Last weekend I lost a friend that lost his battle with cancer. 6 years younger than me with 2 beautiful daughters and a wife who is a rock. It is awesome to see a couple that loved each other as much as they did and battled this crappy disease together. They are the definition of what love and marriage is. It makes me re-evaluate my marriage. While I know that I would take care of my w had that occurred with us, I can't help but wonder if she'd have run from that too.

Anyway...just had to get some crap off of my chest and out of my head. I pray that you all have a great weekend.

sjohn, I will be up in DFW area (Irving/Los Colinas) the weekend after Valentine's Day. My father is having a procedure done and I am heading up to make sure he is ok right after. I will head up late Wed. Not sure how long I'm staying, but maybe we could grab a drink or 6.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2832454
01/11/19 09:43 PM
01/11/19 09:43 PM
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 273
Texas
S
sjohns6 Offline
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sjohns6  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 273
Texas
SBJ, good to hear from you!

I know what you mean about the awkwardness regarding the elephant in the room in conversation. I HATE that! It sounds like you handled it well though.

I'm sorry to hear about your friend. Cancer is an ugly beast. I can also sympathize regarding your feelings towards their marriage. I often feel that way myself. My sister and her husband fight about stupid stuff all the time. Recently they had a fight that was a lot of yelling and they even broke some stuff in the house that needed to be repaired. Then the next day they were all lovey with each other and apologizing to each other. I was gad they were able to make up with each other, but on the other hand I can't help but think how I would have never treated my W that way...how is it they can make up after physically breaking things and yelling obscenities at each other, yet I am unable to work through whatever it is that has plagued my marriage? I have always worked hard to be a good H...but I have to remind myself that it doesn't actually have anything to do with me.

I'd love to meet up for a drink or several. Not sure about my availability, but hit me up if you have time. I'll actually be in Houston Feb 2-3 if you are anywhere close.


Me: 42 yrs
W: 39 yrs
Together: 21 yrs
Married: 15 yrs
Son: 16 yrs
Daughter: 14 yrs
BD: Jan 2017
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2832457
01/11/19 09:55 PM
01/11/19 09:55 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,510
D
DejaVu6 Offline
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DejaVu6  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2018
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SBJ... don't mean to hijack your thread but something in John's post really resonated with me.

John... my sister's marriage is like that two (minus the broken stuff). When she and her H got married, I gave it a year because they bicker at each other a lot. It will be 24 years this July. My H and I rarely argued about anything so I mistakenly thought that that was a good thing. I have come to realize after all of this that it was, in fact, the opposite. My H is EXTREMELY conflict avoidant. On the outside, he looks like his is fine but on the inside, he could be seething and you would never know it...at least you wouldn't if you were in an R with him. My H has apparently been angry at me for years over various things, most of which I have no memory of. In my MR, if I was upset about something, I would tell him or I would decide whatever it was wasn't worth the conflict and I would let it go. My H, on the other hand, never confronted me on anything AND he also never let anything go. He would just add it to his bag of resentments and use it to justify his eventual decision to leave. In our original BD (2014), he actually told me about some of the things that he was mad about. Some of those things had happened eight years before and I could not even remember what he was talking about. Pretty hard to defend yourself if you have no memory of the offense. Anyway...if I am ever in another longterm R with anyone, I will remember this experience and make sure I check in with my partner often and not always take "fine" or "it's nothing" for an answer.


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2832461
01/11/19 10:09 PM
01/11/19 10:09 PM
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 273
Texas
S
sjohns6 Offline
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sjohns6  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 273
Texas
Oh my, DejaVu...that is me and Ws relationship too! We never argued and I always spoke up about whatever issue I might have and she never did. The difference is that even now she isn't bringing up anything from years ago. Her only reasoning for leaving is that we grew apart over the last couple years. She says I am a good dad, a good man, helped around the house, attractive, blah blah blah. I too will remember the dynamic for future relationships.

Oh...and my name is actually Sam. the username is more to do with my last name. I really don't care about anonymity here. Never said anything here that I wouldn't tell W directly.

Sorry for the hijack, SBJ


Me: 42 yrs
W: 39 yrs
Together: 21 yrs
Married: 15 yrs
Son: 16 yrs
Daughter: 14 yrs
BD: Jan 2017
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2832463
01/11/19 10:21 PM
01/11/19 10:21 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,510
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DejaVu6 Offline
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Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,510
More hijacking... Nice to meet you Sam. I've explained my sitch so explicitly that anyone who knows me who happens onto this site would know it was me anyway so I don't really care about it either. I'm Michelle. smile

"Growing apart" is what happens to people when they don't communicate effectively with one another. One of the YouTube videos I watched said that in order to stop that from happening, a couple has to spend AT LEAST 90 minutes a week talking with one another about their life together...mutual goals, things they would like to do together, where they want to be in five years, etc... basically making sure they connect and keep heading in the same direction. The other thing they need to do is go on at least one "date" a week. He said two would be preferable but at least one. My H and I failed miserably in that department once our twins arrived. We'd be lucky if we talked 90 minutes a month about that stuff and honestly we probably went on one or two "dates" a year. It was just ALL about our kids for YEARS. In hindsight, we could not have set ourselves up for this break-up any better than we did. Wish I had watched that video ten years ago...lol.


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2836841
02/11/19 11:38 PM
02/11/19 11:38 PM
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 867
Texas
S
SBJ Offline OP
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SBJ  Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 867
Texas
Taking life one day at a time. This past weekend I was out with some friends, one of which is a psychologist, and she brought up the ex. I actually had to shut her down because I really didn't want to get into it. I had had a few drinks already, but that was the last thing I wanted to discuss while having dinner and trying to enjoy live music.

The gist of it now is that the ex now has an OM that is as this so-called friend put it...a sugar daddy. Took her on a week long ski vacation. She kept it all secretive.

My mind tells me to simply move on with my life and find someone that appreciates what I bring to the table, but my faith and my hear says otherwise.

Is it time to totally drop the rope and all expectations? Maybe so.

Anyway, I'm heading out of town this weekend to help my dad out after a procedure he is having. Please say a prayer for him as he is totally nervous. I feel all will be fine, but it is nice to have prayers anyway. You are all awesome.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2836849
02/12/19 02:29 AM
02/12/19 02:29 AM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,510
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DejaVu6 Offline
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Posts: 1,510
Hi SBJ.

I hope your dad gets through his procedure okay. Often times, the anticipation is worse than the actual procedure itself.

Sorry to hear about your wís secret ski trip with her sugar daddy. Ironically my H is going on a ski trip as well. He says with his buddy. Doesnít matter at this point. He does what he wants...always has.

Re: dropping the rope and expectations. Yep. Thatís number one on the list. Expectations just set us up for more hurt. It doesnít have to include looking for a replacement right away, though. It is more about figuring out who you are outside of the marriage and taking time to heal. It takes time and it can be very tempting to start dating and distract yourself from feeling the loss of your marriage. Believe me, it has crossed my mind more that a few times that it would make things a heck of a lot easier. But generally when you have the choice between doing something as important as this the easy way or the hard way... the hard way is usually the best way. Iím pretty sure I will know when I am ready for dating. Right now Iím just focusing on my kids and working on some of my GAL goals. Anyway...we are all different. You should do what is best for you. (((HUGS)))


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2836875
02/12/19 12:41 PM
02/12/19 12:41 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,550
Southern Maryland
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I will keep your dad in my thoughts and prayers. I'm glad you are going to be there to support him.

I think you are very wise to drop the rope and continue moving forward.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2837030
02/12/19 10:56 PM
02/12/19 10:56 PM
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 273
Texas
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sjohns6 Offline
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SBJ,

I know how you feel. I wanted to weigh in on the whole dating thing. DejaVu is right. It is tempting to start dating, but I suggest not doing it. I went ahead and started dating a girl. I really like her and she is an awesome person. The first couple of dates were nice and the distraction was nice. I have to admit, though...I am now kind of wishing I hadn't done it. It now FEELS like just a distraction. That, and part of me feels like I am doing something wrong. I spent a lot of time analyzing why I felt that way because I know that I'm not doing anything wrong, and I'm not sure why it would FEEL like a distraction. I realize now that its because I was not done with my healing process and that even though I am feeling much better, I still don't have the ability to give what needs to be given in a relationship. I kind of hit an emotional wall...so to speak. My feelings for this girl developed to a point, but at this point I should be in love with the girl. I really like her, but its kind of a dull feeling to be honest.

Not sure if any of that made sense or not, but I wanted to give my 2 cents since I had it to throw in.


Me: 42 yrs
W: 39 yrs
Together: 21 yrs
Married: 15 yrs
Son: 16 yrs
Daughter: 14 yrs
BD: Jan 2017
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2837058
02/13/19 01:12 AM
02/13/19 01:12 AM
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Posts: 1,111
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Gerda Offline
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SBJ, glad to see you though sad to hear what you have to say.

Don't you find it odd that a person supposedly expert in human emotions would choose to bring that up to you at a dinner where you were having fun with friends? How could she possibly think that would help you in any way whatsoever? That part of your story is the only part I would allow to affect your path -- by never hanging out with that "friend" again!

As far as your W -- Do you really think that relationship is built on anything but sand? If you had said she had found a really mature, kind, good man of faith similar to you, okay. But otherwise, this is just more running. It doesn't really change anything and that relationship is obviously not going to last. So it's still just a matter of whether you are still willing to wait it out, and if you can bear the thoughts that might be haunting you about that relationship. I get it, believe me. I was smoking a pack a day when I was contemplating that stuff.

I am in daily battle with my willingness to stand. But I can't avoid the call I feel that God has put on my heart.

I'm reading Man's Search for Meaning for a course I am teaching in a prison. It really reminds me that the point is not to control the darkness, but what choice you make as you walk through it.

Last edited by Gerda; 02/13/19 01:13 AM.

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2837234
02/13/19 09:42 PM
02/13/19 09:42 PM
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Gordie Offline
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SBJ

How was the trip?

How is your dad?


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2837405
02/14/19 08:34 PM
02/14/19 08:34 PM
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 867
Texas
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SBJ Offline OP
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Sitting in the hospital right now. Waiting to hear. He has to stay overnight. Trying to get together with sjohn and vapo tonight if available. If not I guess I can find a barstool of my own somewhere and be my own Valentine.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2837411
02/14/19 08:52 PM
02/14/19 08:52 PM
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Gerda Offline
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I hope things will go very well for your dad. It is so good for you and for him that you are there with him.

I know it's not really quite the same to have God as your Valentine but don't forget about that one!

Meanwhile, you deserve something extremely sweet. I am sending you a virtual box of chocolates with caramel inside. Also Corinthians 13 but especially verse 12.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2841644
03/14/19 12:02 AM
03/14/19 12:02 AM
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 867
Texas
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SBJ Offline OP
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Journaling/Update

Itís been a while since I updated, but things have been busy.

It is Spring Break for sure, but the weather hasnít played along.

The 2 oldest will be on a Teen ACTS Retreat thru our church. They will have the w along with them. Prayers appreciated.

My youngest was planning on going skiing with my in-laws and then they invited me also. Iím flying out to meet them tomorrow morning. Prayers appreciated.

I come back Sunday and then leave Wednesday to Direct a menís retreat in another city the next weekend. Trying to stay busy.

Iím keeping all of my friends here in my thoughts and prayers. Iím following along in the background.

God bless you all!


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2841673
03/14/19 04:25 AM
03/14/19 04:25 AM
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Gordie Offline
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Nice to hear from you

You sound upbeat

You are in my prayers

All the best for your retreat


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2842786
03/20/19 08:40 PM
03/20/19 08:40 PM
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 867
Texas
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SBJ Offline OP
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Had a great ski trip with my s12...it was a blast. Even though we do a on of stuff together, it seemed like we got even closer and that is an awesome feeling.

I'm heading out in a bit for a long weekend for a Men's ACTS retreat. It is incredible to be a part of sharing the love of Christ with a group of men that are hungry to see what God has in store for them. Please pray that all goes well.

I am keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2842804
03/20/19 11:14 PM
03/20/19 11:14 PM
Joined: Nov 2016
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skm0619 Offline
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Hello my friend.....

Hope you have a wonderful retreat . As always take care of yourself.

SKM

Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2842859
03/21/19 10:46 AM
03/21/19 10:46 AM
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USA
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Gordie Offline
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SBJ

Have an awesome retreat

And thank you for your prayers

I am having a hard time praying these days

So I truly appreciate yours


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2843783
03/29/19 01:26 AM
03/29/19 01:26 AM
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 867
Texas
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SBJ Offline OP
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Sorry so long for the reply.

SKM...long time no hear. Thanks for the well wishes.

Gord, I understand your trouble, but prayer is really only a conversation with God. I talk to him daily and try and give thanks and praise for something each day. Even if it is just for making it from sun up to sun down that is a blessing. Anything else is the cherry on top.

The retreat went great. I feel my attitude lightening. I heard something today that hit home. God answers all of our prayers, even if it's not what we imagined. There was a video on YT about 3 trees in the forest and their dreams. Good stuff. I can post a link if ppl ask.

Have a great weekend. Now I'm off on a scout camp out with the youngest. God is good...all the time!


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2844934
04/08/19 09:16 PM
04/08/19 09:16 PM
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 867
Texas
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SBJ Offline OP
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Journaling:

The ex was an animal lover for sure. We have had dogs, cats, birds, and she has also nursed squirrels that have lost their mothers. When she left she also left all of her animals with me. It is very ironic since I didn't want any animals at all.

Today, my s21 and I had to have our two oldest put to sleep. One of them (17 yo) was deaf, blind, has dementia and had an issue finding his way to go outside before letting go. We were just making the best out of it because the vet said that if we put him down then his life partner would probably go soon. The other (16 yo) has been ok, but over the last week had not been eating and drinking as much. Saturday she laid down and has been immobile. They were really close to my son, so he and I made the decision to go this morning.

Even though it was very difficult, I was very proud of how he handled himself. Afterwards, he said he didn't know how people could just drop their animals off and not sit with them when they are put to sleep. He has such a kind heart.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2844957
04/09/19 06:59 AM
04/09/19 06:59 AM
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,647
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roist Offline
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Wow that's pretty old for dogs. Although I am sure it was definitely the right thing to do for their sakes, it cannot have been easy for your son, considering they have been there practically all of his life. I am glad he took it in his stride. He sounds like a good lad.

I am glad your retreat went well.

I find it funny, well not funny funny, more interesting, that we could hear something several times but then all of a sudden we hear it and we really hear it. It resonates with us. I am sure you have already heard about God answering prayers but not always as we imagine. But it hit home for some reason the other day. Maybe we have to be open to hear a message or maybe it is just what we needed at a specific time. Either way it is curious, don't you think? That reminds me of a Garth Brooks song which states that some of Gods greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.

Most people who come to this site don't save their M. However most people that come here, find something else which I believe is not negligible. It is something positive out of the negative. It provides a community to help healing, growth, understanding and along the way most find happiness.

A message we hear often is about saving ourselves before saving our M, or saving our selves becoming the important thing whereas in the beginning it was all about the M. Most people, me included, didn't realize just how lost they were before BD. It is an eyeopener and can indeed lead to a better more fulfilling life.

Sorry for the ramble. Glad to hear from you.

Best wishes


R 24 years
M 13 years
S10 & S12
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2846870
04/26/19 12:42 AM
04/26/19 12:42 AM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 3,683
Massachusetts
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bttrfly Offline
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so sorry to read about your pets S ... they were lucky to have both you and your son.

Yes, my ex also left me with the pets he insisted we get. I think they tend to do that. Apparently when they reconnect with the pets we're supposed to take that as a sign they are coming through the tunnel.

Hope you had a blessed Easter with family and friends and you're doing well. xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S 15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16
When God gives you a new beginning don't repeat the same old mistakes. It's 2020, anything could happen; eat dessert first!!!!
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2847052
04/27/19 04:34 AM
04/27/19 04:34 AM
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Posts: 2,596
USA
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Gordie Offline
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SBJ

Thanks for the encouragement.

Glad you and your son were there for each other.

Happy Easter!


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2848525
05/08/19 11:56 PM
05/08/19 11:56 PM
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 867
Texas
S
SBJ Offline OP
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Bday dinner for my D17 and I overheard the ex and MIL discussing the OM and his kids. I guess I'm still attached because that was a swift kick in the b@!!$. The hurt is extreme, but I guess there's nothing I can do about it. Time to get moving on down the road. Almost 3years post BD. Prayer hasn't worked to shorten this darn extended marathon.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2848791
05/10/19 10:20 PM
05/10/19 10:20 PM
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,111
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Gerda Offline
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SBJ, there would be something very wrong with you if that didn't hurt you extremely.

You have moved down the road. There is nothing wrong with you.

There is something wrong with W. There is something wrong with OM. There is even something wrong with MIL if she was talking about that in front of you.

There is nothing wrong with a man who still loves his W despite all that she did. That is a man I deeply admire.

Same thing I said to Tad -- your heart is made of flesh. Your W let the stone calcify over hers. It's your cross to bear, having to hurt, but you want a heart of flesh, and that's the cost.

Here's a prayer I love. I hope it will help you.


From the belief that
I have to earn Your love 
Deliver me, God.

From the fear that I am unlovable Deliver me, God.

From the false security
 that I have what it takes 
Deliver me, God.

From the fear that trusting You
will leave me more destitute
Deliver me, God.

From all suspicion of
Your words and promises
Deliver me, God.

From the rebellion against
childlike dependency on You Deliver me, God.

From refusals and reluctances
in accepting Your will
Deliver me, God.

From anxiety about the future Deliver me, God.

From resentment or excessive preoccupation with the past
Deliver me, God.

From restless self-seeking
in the present moment
Deliver me, God.

From disbelief in Your love
and presence
Deliver me, God.

From the fear of being asked
to give more than I have
Deliver me, God.

From the belief that my life
has no meaning or worth
Deliver me, God.

From the fear of what love demands Deliver me, God.

From discouragement
Deliver me, God.
That You are continually holding me sustaining me, loving me
God, I trust in you.

That Your love goes deeper than my sins and failings, and transforms me God, I trust in you.
That not knowing what tomorrow brings is an invitation to lean on You God, I trust in you.

That you are with me in my suffering God, I trust in you.
That my suffering, united to Your own, will bear fruit in this life and the next God, I trust in you.

That You will not leave me orphan, that You are present in Your Church God, I trust in you.
That Your plan is better
than anything else
God, I trust in you.

That You always hear me and in
Your goodness always respond to me God, I trust in you.
That You give me the grace to accept forgiveness and to forgive others God, I trust in you.

That You give me all the strength I need for what is asked God, I trust in you.
That my life is a gift God, I trust in you.
That You will teach me to trust You God, I trust in you.
That I am Your beloved one God, I trust in you.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2850985
05/29/19 10:14 PM
05/29/19 10:14 PM
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 867
Texas
S
SBJ Offline OP
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Gerda, sorry for taking so long to reply...thank you for the kind words and the prayer. I agree with you about the heart of stone thing. if He would only do for them what he said in the Good Book.

Ezekiel 36:26 New American Bible (Revised Edition) (NABRE)
26 I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.

I am putting myself in that same awkward position tonight. I am attending an end of the year recital for my niece/God Daughter with the w, our kids and all of the extended family. What did he say in the God Father...I keep trying to get out, but they keep dragging me back. Haha! Just kidding on wanting out...wasn't my idea.

Helping others heal seems to be the norm these days. My Priest asked me to help start a divorce survival class at our Parish. I am flattered, but while looking at the material, I can't help but feel emotional about it. That being said, there are so many ppl that don't get any help while going thru d. It is truly sad. We should be up and running with the first classes by the end of the summer.

Getting my house the way I want it is still on the list, but seems like home repairs keep coming in. Pool electrical, refrigerator water/ice maker, outside freezer went out and lost about half a deer worth of venison & fish, and the list keeps going...One day at a time is the way to go.

Self teaching myself guitar is going well...definitely helps with emotions when you can express them with music. First favorite song to play and sing..."Cast No Stones" by Cody Jinks...Texas Country at its finest.

My oldest son (s21) graduated college with his undergrad a week ago and will take a year off of school to ponder grad school or heading into the workforce full time. I am so proud of him.

My daughter (d17) is gearing up for her senior year in high school and trying to decide on which University she will grace with her presence. She is a rock star.

My youngest son (s12) is my reader/drummer extraordinaire and is simply chilling this summer getting ready for 7th grade.

Hoping to take them to do something this summer as a group and also individually.

My prayers are with each and every one of you guys!


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2853205
06/16/19 10:33 PM
06/16/19 10:33 PM
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,111
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Gerda Offline
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SBJ, I can't believe I never answered what you wrote here! I loved the Ezekiel reminder. That heart of stone sure is heavy on the ol' soul.

I wanted to stop by and wish you a very Happy Father's Day. You are the kind of father I wish my kids had. You are such a good man, and it is pretty impressive that you made such a huge impression on a stranger when we probably have exchanged a total of 500 words with each other just on line, never even meeting. (Though I still hope that one day you will meet my Texan friend at her restaurant and tell her about your stand!) So your light is BRIGHT.

About your divorce group -- it's funny, I have felt called to do something similar, but mine is a stander's group. It has been hard to want to keep doing it with all that has happened in the last six months but I feel a calling about it so I just gave my priest a proposal about it. I think a lot of marriages can be saved -- whether my husband will ever get a heart of flesh back remains of course to be seen.....

I hope you had a great Father's Day and were showered with love from your kids. And from that other Good Father!

Last edited by Gerda; 06/16/19 10:34 PM.

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2853213
06/17/19 01:06 AM
06/17/19 01:06 AM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 3,683
Massachusetts
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bttrfly Offline
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happy Father's Day SBJ xo


M 20+ T25+
S 15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16
When God gives you a new beginning don't repeat the same old mistakes. It's 2020, anything could happen; eat dessert first!!!!
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2853235
06/17/19 10:53 AM
06/17/19 10:53 AM
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Posts: 2,596
USA
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Gordie Offline
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SBJ

Glad to hear you and the kids are well

How did the school event go?

So happy you are helping others IRL as you have done here

You are blessed to have a very progressive and open minded church community


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2853284
06/17/19 02:45 PM
06/17/19 02:45 PM
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 867
Texas
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SBJ Offline OP
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Thanks for the Father's Day wishes and I hope everyone had a good one as well.

Gerda, I agree with you on a standers group in the church. That is the best for sure, but I also see that there is a need for those that have been left behind need a place where they can talk and/or communicate with others that have gone thru D. We hope to get our class started in August. Just because I want to assist others going thru D, doesn't mean that I don't want to stand.

bttrfly...I pray that you had a wonderful weekend yourself.

Gord...Kids are doing pretty good. My oldests grad was great.

We have a priest that is 86 years old and realizes that there is a real need for people to help people and allowing God to be the go between. We are trying to grow our "old" community into a younger community by adding more group activities that get people involved. I am also spearheading a mens group that should begin in August and run the same timeline as the kids school year. It should be fun and enlightening.

JOURNALING:
The W had the kids at the beach all week with her fathers side of the family. I have always looked forward to getting away like that and truly miss the family bonding that goes into it. This was the third one I have missed completely, but the W did invite me down for one day. I worked until noon and headed down for an afternoon on the beach and stayed for dinner. I left just after dark and drove home with the top down and enjoyed some quiet time with God.

Once I got home I had a couple of drinks and wrote a quick thank you to her for the invite and said how I missed it. Her reply blew me away....."You are always welcome. Family will always be family. Nothing can change that." WTF is one supposed to make of that?


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2854295
06/24/19 06:46 PM
06/24/19 06:46 PM
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SBJ Offline OP
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Journaling...posted on Gerda's thread, but also thought I'd post here.

I am doing ok I think. I have been ramping up my exercise. I bought a road bike and have been putting some miles in every week. Working towards multiple goals. There is a 150 mile race in April from Houston to Austin called the MS150 that some friends want me to ride with them. I also have a personal goal of doing a 100 mile ride for my bday in November. And last but not least, I have a strange curiosity about doing triathlons. I have a friend that has done an Ironman distance and he is going to help me with my swimming to get me more familiar with race swims instead of just recreational swimming. We will then get into putting them all together.

I find that spending an hour to two hours on the bike by myself allows me quite of bit of time to think and converse with the big guy upstairs. I also ride with a group of men that have gone thru the d process and are all at different points in life. I think that I am the only stander, but it doesn't bother me.

>>>>>

I posted in my last entry that my w made a weird comment after I visited them at the beach for an evening. Maybe could use some interpretation on this below:

[Once I got home I had a couple of drinks and wrote a quick thank you to her for the invite and said how I missed it. Her reply blew me away....."You are always welcome. Family will always be family. Nothing can change that." WTF is one supposed to make of that?]


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2854348
06/25/19 01:36 AM
06/25/19 01:36 AM
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I got nuthin on the interpretation.

good on you with the GAL activities.

xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S 15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16
When God gives you a new beginning don't repeat the same old mistakes. It's 2020, anything could happen; eat dessert first!!!!
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2856043
07/07/19 04:33 PM
07/07/19 04:33 PM
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SBJ, my friend.

I am rarely in agreement with the admonitions here to have no expectations. I mean, yes, you should not expect anything from her. But you can expect everything from God.

To me that sounds like a softening heart.

I am not saying she is going to come back tomorrow or that you should show up at her door with roses. But I am saying it's a softening heart. She is starting to see a little.

I don't think you can do anything to make her see more. But I know you can do a lot to harden her heart again.

But if you keep being the kind and loving and detached SBJ that you are, patient and patient and patient again, maybe her heart will keep softening.

I have been having quite a few arguments with God lately about standing. I am in a way tempted to give up my stand -- or rather, to allow connection with someone else while waiting for H to come back, instead of living the life of a nun that seemed so clear to me before my H went deep back in the tunnel and pulled out the evil torture financial devices he is employing in this dreadful divorce. I don't want to remarry and I don't want to openly date. But I miss the connection a man gives to a woman's heart.

I no longer believe in my H anymore. But I still believe in God. I still think God can do the impossible. I am just not really wanting to ask him for that so much as assure him that no matter what I do to turn my back on God's will in the meantime, I will accept my H back if God sends him back.

The point of that is, I am the last one to say that this is possible but -- watch and wait. I don't know what will happen for you and if it will take months or years. And I don't know what you will do during that time. But to me it seems like a huge blessing, a heart of flesh growing in her. So watch and wait as much as you can.

(((((SBJ))))))) my friend

Last edited by Gerda; 07/07/19 04:37 PM.

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2856072
07/07/19 09:20 PM
07/07/19 09:20 PM
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SBJ

Mind reading alertóalways dangerous.

Your XW has always seemed to be desiring the amicable divorce.

And thus far you have played along. You are kind and open and generous. The door home is open.

ďYou will always be family.Ē

You are the father of her children and always will be.

Does it mean anything more than that? Only God knows.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2856217
07/08/19 08:52 PM
07/08/19 08:52 PM
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Gerda and Gordie, thanks for replying. Many of us are still hear years after BD and sometimes we spin just like we did in the beginning.

Gerda, I agree with you...With God all things are possible, and I have tried my best to give it to him completely to let him take care of it. As to the softening of her heart towards me, I kinda disagree. She is involved with another OM currently and has done a good job hiding it. Not sure if she has tried to hide it, but at least it hasn't been thrown in my face. I did see a dreaded FB pic of the two of them, but was able to toss that out of my head.

Gord, I also agree with you in that she has always thought that we could get the D and end of as best of friends. It is funny that they expect that they can drop us like a hot potato and that at some point we will be best of friends. I'm not built that way. I can be her H and BFF, but I can't and won't we her ex and BFF.

I have an ex-stepmother that my dad helped to adopt a child around the time my w and I started dating. The ex-step would always take advantage of my dads time and only wanted him around when it suited her. My w would always comment on how she hated to see him being taken advantage of...now she seems to try and do the same with me at times.

I try not to do the mind reading thing that is why I post the batchitcrazy stuff here for your opinions. I think we need others to help us either make sense of the crazy or to keep us sane.

Tomorrow is the 3 year anniv of the BD. it is hard to believe that this $!*^ has been going on for that long, but I guess that is why they call it a marathon and not a sprint. As for those terms I have been training for a couple of things. One is a 150+ mile bike ride and the other is a Triathlon (a Sprint and an Olympic distance)with some friends. I have found that it clears the mind getting out on my bike for a couple of hours. I'm not exactly saying that I am Ironman material, but if we can make it thru MLC, we can make it thru anything that comes our way.

I pray that the second half of 2019 is full of personal growth and self love for everyone here. May God bless you all!!!


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2858381
07/23/19 08:04 PM
07/23/19 08:04 PM
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Journaling...

Batchitzrazy breeds more craziness. The ex-w is driving my d17 to a drill team camp about 5 hours away. The d17 will stay on site at the camp all week while learning and enjoying herself. The ex-w will be staying with several of the moms that have gone on the trip as drivers/chaperones. The d17 just sent me a text asking if a good friend of mine is single because they are trying to set up one of the d17's friends moms.

I would like to think that my ex-w would not involve my d17 in the crazy world of the MLC'er, but I guess that is too much to ask. It makes me wonder if they are also cruising the other single parents to set up my ex-w. What a role model she is turning into for my kids. It's like a divorced Bachelorette reality show. Let's see how many of our parents are single and we can play match maker and see who hooks up.

I'm out...I'm still praying for her, but I realize that my prayers are changing.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2858414
07/24/19 12:36 AM
07/24/19 12:36 AM
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How are your prayers changing ?


M 20+ T25+
S 15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16
When God gives you a new beginning don't repeat the same old mistakes. It's 2020, anything could happen; eat dessert first!!!!
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2858466
07/24/19 01:41 PM
07/24/19 01:41 PM
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SBJ,

Iím sorry about that development.

But really donít take it personally.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: bttrfly] #2858550
07/24/19 08:07 PM
07/24/19 08:07 PM
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bttrfly, I think that they are changing more for her well being/healing rather than for personal selfish reasons. I pray for her health, both mental and physical, and for God's will be to be done.

gord, I don't think I'm taking it personal, but when she involves my kids in any craziness then maybe I do.

I have been following along with several of the new peeps on here and it is still strange to see the script that ehe MLCer uses. I came across some pages written by the ex-w and it brought the similarities back to life.

One of my good friends ex-w passed away last week. They have 4 kids together and he is broken up about it. They had been divorced for 10 years and both were remarried. His kids are rebelling in 2 ways. The first is obvious because mom died, but the second is rebelling because they blame him for their parents divorce. These kids are in high school and it happened 10 years ago, yet they are just now rebelling because of the D. I know it is due to the death of the mother, but it just shows that no matter how much our MLC'er thinks that our kids are going to be ok, they will have a lot of healing to do.

Please pray for my friend, his current w, and their kids as they try and become a whole family again.

Cycling is going well...I encourage everyone to ramp up their exercise and get moving.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2858577
07/24/19 11:21 PM
07/24/19 11:21 PM
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SBJ

I donít know what is going on with your xw and it is disturbing when they do not act like the parents they used to be.

My own experience makes me feel your xw is treating d17 more like a gf with whom you gossip about boys.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2859047
07/28/19 01:25 PM
07/28/19 01:25 PM
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SBJ, I hear you on the disagreeing. I think it is very hard for me even after six years to not see this all as "temporary." I keep thinking the real H will reappear no matter how repulsive and evil he becomes.

The difference for me now is that I don't want to ask God to bring him back anymore. I still feel that it's God's will but I am finding that I don't want to ask God to complete his will. I get really upset at the thought that of years of celibacy -- not physically but just the affection -- or at having to take this horrible person back into my heart, let alone my bed! So mostly I just ask God to forgive me for that and for the other ways I have been turning away from Him. But I still pray constantly, even when I am feeling unworthy, to try to stay close.

About your friend's ex dying -- I TOTALLY understand that. It becomes impossible to separate any life event from the shattering of the family. My experience at my mother's funeral, two years post BD, was to me further proof of why divorce was so horrible. I was struck by how many awful things about the experience (funeral, packing her things, etc) were only awful because of my parents divorce confusing things. She was even buried many many hours from where me and my brother lived and grew up, in my stepfather's family plot, so I can never visit her grave. So all I can say about your friend is that his kids are giving a very true and right response, and trying to change that or suppress it would only make it worse. He needs to just listen and understand and wait for them to work through it. And pray pray pray!

SBJ, I am always praying for you. I often think of you, DnJ and Gordie to remind myself it's not about us -- if any woman would leave any of you, who are to me the pinnacle of great men to have as a husband, it's clearly not about you!

Last edited by Gerda; 07/28/19 01:26 PM.

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2859652
07/31/19 06:59 PM
07/31/19 06:59 PM
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Happy Hump Day...Journaling

Just had to work with my ex for the last 4 hours...we both work for an extended family business. Time filled with cutting up and laughter. As she is grabbing her purse to leave she says..."I'm sure you've heard that I am seeing someone, but I don't want you to stop coming to family functions". WTF

She then confirmed that all of my kids have met this DB and that he is very nice to them and that the kids get along with him great. She again stated that she wants me to continue to attend her family functions even though this DB is going to be there.

She assured me that nothing inappropriate goes on when the kids are in the house with them, because he is such a stand up guy. Also said that his ex-wife does things inappropriate in the house when their 2 kids are home and my ex and this DB are appalled.

I simply stated that for the last 3 years I have worked on myself. I have prayed for a different outcome, but that now we are here talking about this. I said I understand that you think that this is the right thing for you, but that it does change how I will relate to her and my ex-in-laws from here on out. There is no way that I can continue to attend family events...when I have been fired from that part of the family.

It's funny when they say that they "understand", but there is no way that they could even relate.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2859680
08/01/19 12:35 AM
08/01/19 12:35 AM
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I'm sorry. I would just like to point out that you may have been fired by exw, but you and her family seem very close. Don't throw them away because of her MLC.

just my $.02


M 20+ T25+
S 15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16
When God gives you a new beginning don't repeat the same old mistakes. It's 2020, anything could happen; eat dessert first!!!!
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2859857
08/02/19 03:48 AM
08/02/19 03:48 AM
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First of all -- ((((SBJ)))))))

What a burden you are carrying today. That conversation sounds very painful, especially on the heels of a fun afternoon.

There is only one stand-up guy in that equation. The one who is/was standing for his marriage. The one who has to be explained as a stand-up guy with notations on how what a stand-down gal his ex-W is -- this is not a sign of a stand-up anything. It's a big mess.

Maybe a stand-up comedy? .

Or stand-up tragedy?

I object to your characterization of being fired. You were not fired. Your wife quit.

And I don't agree that you are throwing away your good relationship with the in-law family by not going to family functions where Stand-Up Idiot is. You should keep seeing them on your own terms, when you can find joy in that. You have not been following the ways of the world in any of this, and showing up to make nice with the OM at a family function to which only you have the convenant right to be there -- no way. Your kid's wedding, okay, you gotta go to that. But not any old family function. You are showing respect to your vows by not participating in an equation that has no equals sign.

So I also object to your saying to your wife what you said. You are not a victim! (That's what the guys have been telling me.) I would have said lightly, "Oh, thanks for the sentiment, but out of respect to our marriage, I wouldn't do that. I really do love your family, don't worry, I'll see them on my own terms as much as ever."

Also -- We can't do things to change our spouses. But being absent from those family functions could be a little mirror for her. Ain't no way Stand-Up Guy (aka, SUG) is gonna measure up. He'll just be a reminder of the Great Big SBJ-Sized Hole in the family, a hole he can't fill.

Last edited by Gerda; 08/02/19 03:49 AM.

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: bttrfly] #2859901
08/02/19 02:47 PM
08/02/19 02:47 PM
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bttrfly, I agree about the in-laws. I have been blessed with in-laws that I have loved just like parents. I have told her father and step mother that I love them and will see them with my kids as much as we can. As for her mother and step father, I do love them, but I still seem to hold some resentment for them still from moving her out of our home and furnishing a townhouse for her. I know that is something that I need to get over, but when I do see them, it is not as warm and fuzzy as with the other pair of in-laws.

They have all been a part of my life for 28 years and will continue to be. I need to get thru the hard feelings, but I'll be damned if I subject myself to having to be in the same place, acting like I am enjoying myself if I don't have to. It is insane. I would rather smash my thumb repeatedly with a hammer. haha!


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: Gerda] #2859905
08/02/19 03:01 PM
08/02/19 03:01 PM
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Posts: 867
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Gerda, I agree that it is somewhere between dark comedy and tragedy. It is BATCHITCRAZY for sure.

As I mentioned above, I am not severing the relationship with the parent-in-laws, I am simply switching it to my terms. I have a wonderful house with a pool and they are more than welcome to come spend time with me and the kids at their convenience, but I am drawing a line at mentally killing myself around the ex and this new guy at family parties. I know that there will be occasions that I will have to see them together and I guess I can just grin and bear it there, but I will not do it any longer at a parent-in-laws bday party or get together. I have too much self pride and self worth for that.

Sometimes, these MLC'ers think that each party can find a new significant other and both new couples can be bff's and sit around singing Kumbaya together. That kind of thinking is crazy.

As for what I "should have said"...I agree that we always have that moment where we have the after the moment thought of what I should have said. I have those all the time. One thing is for sure...I can tell that I have definitely changed with regards to my temper. Not that I yelled and screamed a ton, but I was able to keep myself in the moment without fuming and stayed calm when replying to her.

I had coffee with her father today and was able to respectfully decline the invitation to a bday lunch after Mass this Sunday for my MIL. He said he understood and that it took him a long time to get used to the OM when my wife's mother did the same thing to him 35 years ago.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2859930
08/02/19 07:17 PM
08/02/19 07:17 PM
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Sounds good shifting to your terms -
Remember to invite them as they may need that until the new dynamic becomes normalized


M 20+ T25+
S 15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16
When God gives you a new beginning don't repeat the same old mistakes. It's 2020, anything could happen; eat dessert first!!!!
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2862128
08/20/19 08:12 PM
08/20/19 08:12 PM
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JOURNALING:

What to do on the night that would have been your 25th wedding anniversary?

1. Lead a men's faith sharing group that includes men that have been on the same journey.

2. Take your kids to dinner and celebrate them for being your children.

3. Play guitar out on your patio with a nice big glass of bourbon.

4. End the night by giving thanks to God for placing people like you, here and elsewhere in my life to help with this unwanted path.

5. Get ready to wake up and grab life by the horns again tomorrow.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2862371
08/22/19 04:53 AM
08/22/19 04:53 AM
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Happy Anniversary, SBJ -- not because it's happy right now, but because you are such a good man who stood by your vows, and that is a cause for happiness in this often dark world. Even now your vows seem like a sort of halo. I don't know if you are standing anymore but to me you are always an inspiration in that regard, always looking for God's imprint on your circumstances, and a way to keep walking with peace through the furnace.

I recently moved my wedding ring to my right hand, like widows do. I wear on my wedding ring finger a ring that God "gave" me. Sometimes I am tempted to wear nothing there but so far I feel like I need to cover it, like a head scarf, to stay modest as I walk through the world.

But here for your anniversary present is a beautiful poem about a widower -- in some ways we experienced something worse than the death of a spouse, and certainly the only way to make meaning out of this is via the Resurrection and the hope that by the death of our marriages we can wait for rebirth. I am not sure anymore if I am supposed to wait for the rebirth of my family with H or for something else that God has in store, but I am just putting one foot in front of the other for now. So -- cheers! A toast to your anniversary and the way you filled it with new meanings!

The Widowerís Tango by Pablo Neruda

Oh Maligna, now youíve found the letter, now youíve cried with rage,
and youíve insulted the memory of my mother,
calling her a rotten b*tch and the mother of dogs,
now youíve drunk the afternoon tea alone, lonely,
staring at my old shoes, empty forever,
and now you canít recall my illnesses, my night dreams, my meals,
without cursing me out loud as if I were still there
complaining about the tropics, about the corringhis coolies,
about the poison fevers that hurt me so much
and about the dreadful Englishmen, whom I still hate.

Maligna, the truth, what an immense night, what a lonely earth!
Once again Iíve come to lonely sleeping rooms,
to eating my cold breakfast in restaurants, and once again
I throw my pants and shirts on the floor,
my room has no coat racks, no portraits of anyone on the walls.
How much of the shadow thatís in my soul I would give to have you back,
and how threatening the names of the months seem to me
and how the word winter sounds like a sorrowful drum.

Later youíll find, buried by the coconut palm,
the knife I hid there for fear youíd kill me,
and now, suddenly, Iíd like to smell its kitchen steel
accustomed to the weight of your hand and the shine of your foot:
under the dampness of the earth, among the deaf roots,
of the human languages only that of the poor could know your name,
and the heavy earth doesnít understand your name
made out of impenetrable, divine substances.

This is how it hurts me to think of the clear day of your legs
resting like suspended and firm water from the sun,
and the swallow that lives in your eyes, sleeping and flying,
and the dog of rage that you shelter in your heart,
and this is also how I see the dead who are between us from now on,
and I breathe the air made of ashes and ruins,
the long, lonely space that surrounds me forever.

Iíd give this wind from the gigantic sea for your rough breathing
heard in the long nights without a trace of forgetfulness,
uniting itself with the atmosphere like the whip on the horseís hide.
And just to hear you pissing in the dark at the back of the house,
as if you were spilling a thin, trembling, silvery, insistent honey,
how many times I would deliver up this chorus of shadows I possess,
and the sound of useless swords that can be heard in my soul,
and the pigeon of blood thatís all alone on my forehead
calling for things that are missing, missing people,
substances strangely inseparable and lost.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2866450
09/25/19 08:01 PM
09/25/19 08:01 PM
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SBJ Offline OP
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Update...

My ex has decided that she is wanting to move on with another guy that has young children. I guess she wants a redo, but with someone else. She claims she still wants me to attend all of her family functions with this other guy. I have graciously declined and will continue to do my own thing with my kids. It was actually a bit freeing. I don't feel obligated to attend anything hoping that she will change her mind anymore. I realize that I was attending more for her that I was for them.

I have decided to date a bit as it is nice to go out and have company at times. I have been going out with friends and their wives for a while, but it is much different one on one with a member of the opposite sex. We can only do what we feel is right, but our actions cannot stop what God has in store for us.

Kids are good. They are growing way too fast, but we all love each other and that is all that counts.

We just endured another terrible storm in our area and Imelda was almost as devastating as Harvey was. It is eye opening seeing all of the homes that the families have lost. We have a group of men that are doing tear outs and it is nice to be a part of something that is doing so much good. God is good!

I pray that everyone is doing well.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2866458
09/25/19 09:33 PM
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Good to hear from you, brother. Hope you are staying safe down there.

It's weird getting back in to the dating arena, isn't it? I'm still trying to get over the feeling that I'm doing something wrong. I KNOW I'm not, but that many years with the same person and it not being my choice to split leaves me feeling like I'm cheating when out with another woman. Not as much now, but that feeling is still lingering in the background sometimes. Do you feel that way at all?

Man, I know just what you mean about visiting the in-laws for her benefit rather than your own or theirs. I think I have been doing that and I have just started coming to the realization of that being the reasoning. Seems crazy to me that she would want to invite you there along with her new person. She has to still be in it to think that is a reasonable thing to do.

Glad to hear the kids are doing well!


Me: 42 yrs
W: 39 yrs
Together: 21 yrs
Married: 15 yrs
Son: 16 yrs
Daughter: 14 yrs
BD: Jan 2017
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2866633
09/27/19 10:27 PM
09/27/19 10:27 PM
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SBJ,

Best wishes to you in this new chapter. You have been like an older brother to me and I have no advice to give you. I think of C.S. Lewis and his belief that God uses pain to chisel us into his perfect image. That is cold comfort but it has stuck with me.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: sjohns6] #2868072
10/12/19 06:19 AM
10/12/19 06:19 AM
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Gerda Offline
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Originally Posted by sjohns6
It's weird getting back in to the dating arena, isn't it? I'm still trying to get over the feeling that I'm doing something wrong. I KNOW I'm not, but that many years with the same person and it not being my choice to split leaves me feeling like I'm cheating when out with another woman. Not as much now, but that feeling is still lingering in the background sometimes. Do you feel that way at all?


I had to hunt for this, I thought it was on your thread, sjohn, but found it here on SBJ's -- Hi to you both!

I had just wanted to say that I don't know why you have to choose and know whether that feeling that you are cheating is valid. I mean, it is valid. You had no interest in betraying your vows or not upholding the promise you made. She chose something else for both of you. That doesn't mean she can take away what your heart knew/knows to be true -- that you were one flesh til the ol' end. So you feel it when you open your heart to someone else. Not feeling it would be weird, considering how much you wanted to stay married to your W. You can't just shut that off just because she was able to shut it off on via the MLC shut-off valve.

I am not saying that that feeling is what you should act on -- e.g., not be with anyone else. I just think it's okay to accept that it's complex, and that any woman who dates you should accept that too -- not that you should talk about it more than once with her! And that only if she is asking what you are holding back on. Otherwise I would not talk about it with a new woman, it could be painful if she didn't go through LBS of MLC-er syndrome and understand it. But any woman who has life experience would I think understand that you carry that pain and that you can move past it but not obliterate it. Or at least any woman you date should be that wise and kind to understand!

Last edited by Gerda; 10/12/19 06:22 AM.

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2868359
10/15/19 07:27 PM
10/15/19 07:27 PM
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SBJ Offline OP
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Gerda, thanks for checking in. I agree that at this point in our lives, any relationship is and will continue to be complicated. Any time you try to meld people with children there is stress. Any time you try to combine people with rough pasts there will be strain.

I've been out with several women and all of them have totally different histories and also their marriages have all ended different from one another. Some have been widowed, some are still in communication with and some are totally estranged.

After being out of the dating game for 28 years, it is totally different than I remember. It is not as organic as it once was. It seems that everyone wants to meet online first and kind of go thru a pre-date interview before actually meeting. Weird.

All that being said...I'm not sold on the whole dating game. it is nice to be out with someone that is truly interested in you and learning about you, but it is a ton of work. I guess college dating in the past seemed so easy. We didn't have so many other things that we were involved in.

>>>>>

Journaling:
My father-in-law just stopped by my office to say hello. We visited for a few minutes before he had to get back to his office. Just as he was leaving he awkwardly mentioned that the ex isn't seeing the OM any longer. He said...I guess she found out that it isn't always rosier on the other side. This guy, who is a man of few words, just cracks me up. Not sure why he felt that he needed to let me know that, but it is funny.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2868369
10/15/19 08:22 PM
10/15/19 08:22 PM
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SBJ Offline OP
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Gerda, thanks for checking in. I agree that at this point in our lives, any relationship is and will continue to be complicated. Any time you try to meld people with children there is stress. Any time you try to combine people with rough pasts there will be strain.

I've been out with several women and all of them have totally different histories and also their marriages have all ended different from one another. Some have been widowed, some are still in communication with and some are totally estranged.

After being out of the dating game for 28 years, it is totally different than I remember. It is not as organic as it once was. It seems that everyone wants to meet online first and kind of go thru a pre-date interview before actually meeting. Weird.

All that being said...I'm not sold on the whole dating game. it is nice to be out with someone that is truly interested in you and learning about you, but it is a ton of work. I guess college dating in the past seemed so easy. We didn't have so many other things that we were involved in.

>>>>>

Journaling:
My father-in-law just stopped by my office to say hello. We visited for a few minutes before he had to get back to his office. Just as he was leaving he awkwardly mentioned that the ex isn't seeing the OM any longer. He said...I guess she found out that it isn't always rosier on the other side. This guy, who is a man of few words, just cracks me up. Not sure why he felt that he needed to let me know that, but it is funny.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2873750
11/28/19 04:38 PM
11/28/19 04:38 PM
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Happy Thanksgiving to all of you that give love, prayer and support to all of the left behind spouses. You are all angels for sure. Love you guys!


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2873923
11/30/19 01:48 AM
11/30/19 01:48 AM
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SBJ, I never answered this post you wrote but thought about it a lot. Thought about you dating and how that fits in with faith.

I have no idea what God wants of me at this point but I know I don't want to start a life with someone or expose my kids to the whole life of stepfamilies. I feel that I was called to my faith, not that I chose it, and my beliefs about my marriage were a big part of the calling. I guess I am waiting for God to show me what is next, and a lot of time I am just trying to trust Him or asking Him to accept me as I am, even when I am losing faith and trust. But I do not want to be a nun, and if God is expecting a lifetime of chastity from me, I am not ready for that either. All I have come up with so far is that I will probably do some dark things that my kids never see but I will not bring anyone into their lives.

Sometimes I still think that God could heal my H, even though he seems too far gone, and even though I have a lot of trouble praying for him anymore, or wanting any of his hell to touch even my pinky toe.

SBJ, I often think of you. Sending you courage and strength, whatever comes next for you....

Last edited by Gerda; 11/30/19 01:49 AM.

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2875261
12/09/19 01:09 AM
12/09/19 01:09 AM
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SBJ Offline OP
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Garda, thanks for the comments. I agree that God can heal even the most sour of souls, but I also think that we are made to be social creatures. It's a slippery slope that I am still trying to navigate. I also agree that I don't want to introduce anyone else to my kids, but the ex has already done that and that relationship crumbled weeks ago. So my kids saw their mother leave her marriage and have a serious relationship crumble. What a role model she has become in that regard.

Garda, I think our problem is that we rely on God for every other part of our lives, but we lose patience with regard to His place in our prodigals lives. Maybe I also need to refocus my goals and aspirations.

I'm leaving this week as part of another men's retreat team...this will definitely help me refocus on God's will.

I pray you all have a wonderful Christmas Holiday!!!


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2886442
02/19/20 09:23 PM
02/19/20 09:23 PM
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SBJ Offline OP
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Odd update:

After doing things on my own to re-discover myself and begin doing the things that I either had missed doing or new things from my bucket list, I received a visit to day from a guy who is a family friend of both myself and the ex. It was good visiting with him, but I cannot help but feel like I was being interviewed so he can let the ex know what I have been up to. He had even mentioned that he had had a conversation with her where she had mentioned wanting to get back together, but with stipulations...even though that was a long while back.

Whoever coined the phrase...the grass is greener on the other side is a effing moron. Life is what you make of it.

Church, cycling, gym time, guitar, piano, and hopefully my saxophone soon, have kept me busy in remembering who I am and I praise God thru this storm. His promise is to give us what we need when we need it. Nothing is ever said about us going thru life unscathed, but He does say that He will walk with us and that we will finish strong.

I hope and pray that you all continue finding the you that has been hidden or lost in your trial of MLC.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2886465
02/19/20 11:02 PM
02/19/20 11:02 PM
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OwnIt Offline
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He's called a flying monkey. My H uses them when he has cut himself off from us and he's afraid of rejection by coming around directly so he engages third parties (lawyer, school personnel, insurance agent). If you google it, you can read about it. If he is being used as a flying monkey, it isn't a healthy approach and I'd just ignore it.

Glad that you are enjoying rediscovering yourself.

Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2886467
02/19/20 11:14 PM
02/19/20 11:14 PM
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SBJ - I am new to your sitch, but this spoke to me:

Originally Posted by SBJ
His promise is to give us what we need when we need it. Nothing is ever said about us going thru life unscathed, but He does say that He will walk with us and that we will finish strong.

I hope and pray that you all continue finding the you that has been hidden or lost in your trial of MLC.


God has been so good to me during this trial. Our trials are meant to make us turn to Him, and make us stronger in ourselves and in our faith. My trial has done that, and more, for me. And you are so correct:


Originally Posted by SBJ
I think our problem is that we rely on God for every other part of our lives, but we lose patience with regard to His place in our prodigals lives.


This is me, for sure! I pray for patience and to not interfere in God's work all the time.

I'm glad I stopped by, and glad to see you to have a wonderful life.

Grace.

P.S. OwnIt. I love the term "flying monkey". This hasn't happened to me.....yet.!


M: 56
H: 57
S: 22
D: 20

H Moved out: 10/1/18
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2886468
02/19/20 11:14 PM
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SBJ - I am new to your sitch, but this spoke to me:

Originally Posted by SBJ
His promise is to give us what we need when we need it. Nothing is ever said about us going thru life unscathed, but He does say that He will walk with us and that we will finish strong.

I hope and pray that you all continue finding the you that has been hidden or lost in your trial of MLC.


God has been so good to me during this trial. Our trials are meant to make us turn to Him, and make us stronger in ourselves and in our faith. My trial has done that, and more, for me. And you are so correct:


Originally Posted by SBJ
I think our problem is that we rely on God for every other part of our lives, but we lose patience with regard to His place in our prodigals lives.


This is me, for sure! I pray for patience and to not interfere in God's work all the time.

I'm glad I stopped by, and glad to see you to have a wonderful life.

Grace.

P.S. OwnIt. I love the term "flying monkey". This hasn't happened to me.....yet.!


M: 56
H: 57
S: 22
D: 20

H Moved out: 10/1/18
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2886826
02/22/20 06:58 AM
02/22/20 06:58 AM
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Gerda Offline
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Originally Posted by SBJ
I praise God thru this storm. His promise is to give us what we need when we need it. Nothing is ever said about us going thru life unscathed, but He does say that He will walk with us and that we will finish strong.

I hope and pray that you all continue finding the you that has been hidden or lost in your trial of MLC.



Have been doing this too, and grieving how long I allowed my H to make me a shadow of myself. Have you listened to Tim Keller's sermon on Daniel 3? I returned to it this week and it has been helping me a lot to surrender myself to letting God use my suffering to refine me, to pray for a shift in my circumstances, but, if no change can come right now, to trust God to use it to cultivate some fruit in me.

I was really glad to see your post, it was so nice to get an update.

I would be careful about deciding how it has to be if W comes back. I am sure that if she does come back, and you accept her, it would likely be in a way that you didn't expect and that might look wrong in some way. In other words, to open yourself to God's will and surrender your own notions of how that could happen. I don't know if it will happen or if you will want it to happen, but if you allowed it, I just think you should surrender any ideas you have of what it would look like. Gordie being a great example of that!

I wonder if you ever made it to my friend's restaurant, the Red Oak.

I'm taking a break for Lent, but sending you love and prayers.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2886870
02/22/20 03:24 PM
02/22/20 03:24 PM
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Own it, grace and gerda....thx for stopping by. Itís good to get some responses and ideas from ppl here. This has been going on for almost 4 years and it is definitely taxing. Not sure which direction our paths will take either. I simply hope that I am ready for whatever God has in store for ďmeĒ.

Own...like the flying monkey response...she was a fan of the great OZ. I feel like a combo of the characters at times. Sometimes no heart or brain. I did not divulge anything that would be a negative either way. Simply general info.

Gerda...his will his time his way. I have agreed to go forward with what he asks of me. Itís been great. I have not been that wat in a while. Will try again.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2898087
06/22/20 02:29 AM
06/22/20 02:29 AM
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Gerda Offline
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Thinking of a wonderful father and wonderful guy today, SBJ!

Shoulders
Naomi Shihab Nye

A man crosses the street in rain,
stepping gently, looking two times north and south,
because his son is asleep on his shoulder.

No car must splash him.
No car drive too near to his shadow.

This man carries the world's most sensitive cargo
but he's not marked.
Nowhere does his jacket say FRAGILE,
HANDLE WITH CARE.

His ear fills up with breathing.
He hears the hum of a boy's dream
deep inside him.

We're not going to be able
to live in this world
if we're not willing to do what he's doing
with one another.

The road will only be wide.
The rain will never stop falling.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2898090
06/22/20 02:49 AM
06/22/20 02:49 AM
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Gerda Offline
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I wanted to give you this one too.

Whose Mouth Do I Speak With
Suzanne Rancourt

I can remember my father bringing home spruce gum.
He worked in the woods and filled his pockets
with golden chunks of pitch.
For his children
he provided this special sacrament
and we'd gather at this feet, around his legs,
bumping his lunchbox, and his empty thermos rattled inside.
Our skin would stick to Daddy's gluey clothing
and we'd smell like Mumma's Pine Sol.
We had no money for store bought gum
but that's all right.
The spruce gum
was so close to chewing amber
as though in our mouths we held the eyes of Coyote
and how many other children had fathers
that placed on their innocent, anxious tongue
the blood of tree?


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2899456
07/08/20 07:30 PM
07/08/20 07:30 PM
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SBJ Offline OP
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UPDATE...

Tomorrow marks the 4 year mark of the ILYBINILWY conversation. WOW!!! How time flies when you are totally $&#%!# up! HAHA!!!

Got a phone call today from her and we had a great hour long conversation talking about everything under the stars. She is onto guy number 4 I think. But, not my circus anymore. I simply expressed my curiosity of how this guy is around my children and making sure that he treats them with kindness and respect. All is well from what she says. (I have asked my D18 as well and she says that he is nice).

Interestingly, it doesn't hurt anymore to have discussions with her. I have let go of the hurt and the pain. Is that moving on, or just healing? While I still pray for her daily, and probably still have a crack in my door for her, I have given it all to God.

My D18 graduated last month and will be leaving for college next month. I know this departure will be rough on the ex as they act like best friends.

My oldest S22 still lives with me 24/7...love him to death. He is a great kid and has helped my healing by just being a warm body in the house...for that matter, my 100# dog has also. HAHA!

The youngest will be in 8th grade next year and is my smartest child by far. He will go far in this world. He is very soft spoken, but his soft heart is awesome.

The GAL activities keep going...golf, guitar, piano, beer making, fishing, cycling, gym time (personal gym), reading, listening to pod casts, men's faith sharing group leader, divorce ministry leader, increased activities with my nieces and nephew as well as my brothers.

Expanding business opportunities currently with real estate investing, remodeling, and new pool/outdoor kitchen construction.

I am currently using that saying..."What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger"...and changing it to "What doesn't kill you, steers you into the path that God actually made you for". We have all been placed here on earth for a reason...we just need to keep asking him to guide us and lead us in the correct path to reach that goal.

I pray for all of the old guard on here daily...and will continue to add the new peeps to that list. Keep on keepin' on!!!

Much Love and Respect!!!


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2899823
07/13/20 08:53 PM
07/13/20 08:53 PM
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FINAL UPDATE...

I got an extremely nice text from my ex today letting me know that she and the wonderful guy that she has known since the Wuhan Flu hit our shores are now engaged. I have been made aware that she is very happy and that he is very good to his daughter and also to my 3 kids.

I thought that I would feel some kind of hurt with news like this...I feel something, but I cannot clarify exactly what it is. I guess you get to a detached spot where the pain isn't noticeable any longer. I have prayed myself blue and I guess instead of them being answered, He has allowed my body and mind to heal to the place I am now. It is a blessing for sure, because just a short while ago, this news would have torn me apart.

Thank you all for being there for me and all of us that are going thru this.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2899835
07/13/20 10:32 PM
07/13/20 10:32 PM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,317
D
DnJ Offline
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DnJ  Offline
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Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,317
Hello SBJ

I am glad to hear how good the relationships are between you and your kids. Itís nice to have a full time kid in the house too. And even a 100 pound dog. smile

XWís engagement news is both shocking, and not, at the same time. I suspect you know what I mean. Same with your hard to describe feeling regarding this news. Hard to put into words, yet understood.

Yes, your path and healing is a blessing. Our prayer are always answered, perhaps not on our timeline, sometimes the answer is yes, and sometimes the answer is no. Have faith and continue forward.

Originally Posted by SBJ
FINAL UPDATE...

Am I reading too much into that?

Take care my friend.

D


Current
Me52 XW49 S23 S21 S19 D18

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

I may give up, but not today.
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2899844
07/13/20 11:27 PM
07/13/20 11:27 PM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 3,683
Massachusetts
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bttrfly Offline
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bttrfly  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 3,683
Massachusetts
SBJ,
Hope you still pop in from time to time. While this is shocking news, there's a difference between being engaged and being married or even staying married.

A wise friend told me rejection is God's protection.

xoxoxo

many blessings my friend.


M 20+ T25+
S 15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16
When God gives you a new beginning don't repeat the same old mistakes. It's 2020, anything could happen; eat dessert first!!!!
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2899885
07/14/20 02:04 PM
07/14/20 02:04 PM
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,111
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Gerda Offline
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Gerda  Offline
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Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,111
Originally Posted by SBJ
FINAL UPDATE...

I got an extremely nice text from my ex today letting me know that she and the wonderful guy that she has known since the Wuhan Flu hit our shores are now engaged. I have been made aware that she is very happy and that he is very good to his daughter and also to my 3 kids.


I am struck by your calling her text "extremely nice" and the guy as someone who is "very good" to his kids.

Those are part of a false narrative.

How can anyone be considered nice or good when they have destroyed their families?

Or when they decide to marry someone who they have known for less than 6 months?

The idea that anyone would reject you is so astonishing to me, it helps me to understand my own sitch better, that if it's not about you, so obviously, it must not be about me either.

But I'm with bttrfly on the rejection and on whether or not this thing will actually happen, let alone last. People need to legitimize things in an effort to get rid of the promptings of the Holy Spirit. Mine called the OW "my secret other wife" as her text name. (Which was nice to discover the day I came home from my mastectomy.)

You still inspire me with your devotion to God and your faith in His plan.

Lots of love to you, whether or not this round hurts for real or in a detached way.

Last edited by Gerda; 07/14/20 02:05 PM.

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2900005
07/15/20 04:52 PM
07/15/20 04:52 PM
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 867
Texas
S
SBJ Offline OP
Member
SBJ  Offline OP
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 867
Texas
Thank you guys for the kind words...I guess I used the Final Update think in jest.

DnJ...my oldest (S22) and my dog have truly been lifelines to ease the craziness. You are correct in that it may or may not happen. I am continuing to pray for her and my children...because that is what I do and who I am. Nothing will change that.

bttrfly...I agree that God has a plan for us and sometimes closes and opens doors so that we stay on track to accomplish the goals we were created to accomplish. I will continue as I have for a long while and check back monthly. I have tried to stay off daily because I find myself getting sucked in longer and longer each time.

Gerda, during our men's faith group last night, one of the guys posed a similar curiosity about several of the guys. Many of us are divorced and he said he knew why his marriage crumbled because he was a @$$, but he could see no reason why several of our wives had left. I pulled from my experience here to explain to him that maybe, just maybe the wives left because of internal turmoil within themselves. It is difficult for some people to accept, but that is it in a nutshell. We could have been as perfect as possible and they still would have left because of something within themselves.

This guy that my ex has latched onto is a very successful guy financially. Maybe this is what she thinks will fill the void that she feels. I truly don't know, but fortunately I have been able to detach enough that the pain isn't pulling me apart. He is her 4th serious BF during the last 4 years. It kind of reminds me of the Samaritan woman at the well...she was continuously searching to fill the void with things and many husbands...only to be left empty.

13 Jesus answered, ďEveryone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, 14 but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.Ē John 4:13-14


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2900304
07/21/20 04:49 AM
07/21/20 04:49 AM
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,596
USA
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Gordie Offline
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Gordie  Offline
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Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,596
USA
I'm sorry about this "extremely nice text message".

I just want to say I'm encouraged by your faith in light of these events and your commitment to God and prayer.

For me, I feel like this whole situation has, instead of strengthening my faith, made me doubt everything.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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