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A Message from Michele
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Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: Gerda] #2859905
08/02/19 03:01 PM
08/02/19 03:01 PM
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 870
Texas
S
SBJ Offline OP
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SBJ  Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 870
Texas
Gerda, I agree that it is somewhere between dark comedy and tragedy. It is BATCHITCRAZY for sure.

As I mentioned above, I am not severing the relationship with the parent-in-laws, I am simply switching it to my terms. I have a wonderful house with a pool and they are more than welcome to come spend time with me and the kids at their convenience, but I am drawing a line at mentally killing myself around the ex and this new guy at family parties. I know that there will be occasions that I will have to see them together and I guess I can just grin and bear it there, but I will not do it any longer at a parent-in-laws bday party or get together. I have too much self pride and self worth for that.

Sometimes, these MLC'ers think that each party can find a new significant other and both new couples can be bff's and sit around singing Kumbaya together. That kind of thinking is crazy.

As for what I "should have said"...I agree that we always have that moment where we have the after the moment thought of what I should have said. I have those all the time. One thing is for sure...I can tell that I have definitely changed with regards to my temper. Not that I yelled and screamed a ton, but I was able to keep myself in the moment without fuming and stayed calm when replying to her.

I had coffee with her father today and was able to respectfully decline the invitation to a bday lunch after Mass this Sunday for my MIL. He said he understood and that it took him a long time to get used to the OM when my wife's mother did the same thing to him 35 years ago.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2859930
08/02/19 07:17 PM
08/02/19 07:17 PM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 3,769
Massachusetts
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bttrfly Offline
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bttrfly  Offline
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Posts: 3,769
Massachusetts
Sounds good shifting to your terms -
Remember to invite them as they may need that until the new dynamic becomes normalized


M 20+ T25+
S 15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16
When God gives you a new beginning don't repeat the same old mistakes. It's 2020, anything could happen; eat dessert first!!!!
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2862128
08/20/19 08:12 PM
08/20/19 08:12 PM
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 870
Texas
S
SBJ Offline OP
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SBJ  Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 870
Texas
JOURNALING:

What to do on the night that would have been your 25th wedding anniversary?

1. Lead a men's faith sharing group that includes men that have been on the same journey.

2. Take your kids to dinner and celebrate them for being your children.

3. Play guitar out on your patio with a nice big glass of bourbon.

4. End the night by giving thanks to God for placing people like you, here and elsewhere in my life to help with this unwanted path.

5. Get ready to wake up and grab life by the horns again tomorrow.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2862371
08/22/19 04:53 AM
08/22/19 04:53 AM
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,148
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Gerda Offline
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Gerda  Offline
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Posts: 1,148
Happy Anniversary, SBJ -- not because it's happy right now, but because you are such a good man who stood by your vows, and that is a cause for happiness in this often dark world. Even now your vows seem like a sort of halo. I don't know if you are standing anymore but to me you are always an inspiration in that regard, always looking for God's imprint on your circumstances, and a way to keep walking with peace through the furnace.

I recently moved my wedding ring to my right hand, like widows do. I wear on my wedding ring finger a ring that God "gave" me. Sometimes I am tempted to wear nothing there but so far I feel like I need to cover it, like a head scarf, to stay modest as I walk through the world.

But here for your anniversary present is a beautiful poem about a widower -- in some ways we experienced something worse than the death of a spouse, and certainly the only way to make meaning out of this is via the Resurrection and the hope that by the death of our marriages we can wait for rebirth. I am not sure anymore if I am supposed to wait for the rebirth of my family with H or for something else that God has in store, but I am just putting one foot in front of the other for now. So -- cheers! A toast to your anniversary and the way you filled it with new meanings!

The Widowerís Tango by Pablo Neruda

Oh Maligna, now youíve found the letter, now youíve cried with rage,
and youíve insulted the memory of my mother,
calling her a rotten b*tch and the mother of dogs,
now youíve drunk the afternoon tea alone, lonely,
staring at my old shoes, empty forever,
and now you canít recall my illnesses, my night dreams, my meals,
without cursing me out loud as if I were still there
complaining about the tropics, about the corringhis coolies,
about the poison fevers that hurt me so much
and about the dreadful Englishmen, whom I still hate.

Maligna, the truth, what an immense night, what a lonely earth!
Once again Iíve come to lonely sleeping rooms,
to eating my cold breakfast in restaurants, and once again
I throw my pants and shirts on the floor,
my room has no coat racks, no portraits of anyone on the walls.
How much of the shadow thatís in my soul I would give to have you back,
and how threatening the names of the months seem to me
and how the word winter sounds like a sorrowful drum.

Later youíll find, buried by the coconut palm,
the knife I hid there for fear youíd kill me,
and now, suddenly, Iíd like to smell its kitchen steel
accustomed to the weight of your hand and the shine of your foot:
under the dampness of the earth, among the deaf roots,
of the human languages only that of the poor could know your name,
and the heavy earth doesnít understand your name
made out of impenetrable, divine substances.

This is how it hurts me to think of the clear day of your legs
resting like suspended and firm water from the sun,
and the swallow that lives in your eyes, sleeping and flying,
and the dog of rage that you shelter in your heart,
and this is also how I see the dead who are between us from now on,
and I breathe the air made of ashes and ruins,
the long, lonely space that surrounds me forever.

Iíd give this wind from the gigantic sea for your rough breathing
heard in the long nights without a trace of forgetfulness,
uniting itself with the atmosphere like the whip on the horseís hide.
And just to hear you pissing in the dark at the back of the house,
as if you were spilling a thin, trembling, silvery, insistent honey,
how many times I would deliver up this chorus of shadows I possess,
and the sound of useless swords that can be heard in my soul,
and the pigeon of blood thatís all alone on my forehead
calling for things that are missing, missing people,
substances strangely inseparable and lost.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2866450
09/25/19 08:01 PM
09/25/19 08:01 PM
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 870
Texas
S
SBJ Offline OP
Member
SBJ  Offline OP
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 870
Texas
Update...

My ex has decided that she is wanting to move on with another guy that has young children. I guess she wants a redo, but with someone else. She claims she still wants me to attend all of her family functions with this other guy. I have graciously declined and will continue to do my own thing with my kids. It was actually a bit freeing. I don't feel obligated to attend anything hoping that she will change her mind anymore. I realize that I was attending more for her that I was for them.

I have decided to date a bit as it is nice to go out and have company at times. I have been going out with friends and their wives for a while, but it is much different one on one with a member of the opposite sex. We can only do what we feel is right, but our actions cannot stop what God has in store for us.

Kids are good. They are growing way too fast, but we all love each other and that is all that counts.

We just endured another terrible storm in our area and Imelda was almost as devastating as Harvey was. It is eye opening seeing all of the homes that the families have lost. We have a group of men that are doing tear outs and it is nice to be a part of something that is doing so much good. God is good!

I pray that everyone is doing well.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2866458
09/25/19 09:33 PM
09/25/19 09:33 PM
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 273
Texas
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sjohns6 Offline
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Posts: 273
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Good to hear from you, brother. Hope you are staying safe down there.

It's weird getting back in to the dating arena, isn't it? I'm still trying to get over the feeling that I'm doing something wrong. I KNOW I'm not, but that many years with the same person and it not being my choice to split leaves me feeling like I'm cheating when out with another woman. Not as much now, but that feeling is still lingering in the background sometimes. Do you feel that way at all?

Man, I know just what you mean about visiting the in-laws for her benefit rather than your own or theirs. I think I have been doing that and I have just started coming to the realization of that being the reasoning. Seems crazy to me that she would want to invite you there along with her new person. She has to still be in it to think that is a reasonable thing to do.

Glad to hear the kids are doing well!


Me: 42 yrs
W: 39 yrs
Together: 21 yrs
Married: 15 yrs
Son: 16 yrs
Daughter: 14 yrs
BD: Jan 2017
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2866633
09/27/19 10:27 PM
09/27/19 10:27 PM
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,597
USA
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Gordie Offline
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Posts: 2,597
USA
SBJ,

Best wishes to you in this new chapter. You have been like an older brother to me and I have no advice to give you. I think of C.S. Lewis and his belief that God uses pain to chisel us into his perfect image. That is cold comfort but it has stuck with me.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: sjohns6] #2868072
10/12/19 06:19 AM
10/12/19 06:19 AM
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,148
G
Gerda Offline
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Gerda  Offline
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Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,148
Originally Posted by sjohns6
It's weird getting back in to the dating arena, isn't it? I'm still trying to get over the feeling that I'm doing something wrong. I KNOW I'm not, but that many years with the same person and it not being my choice to split leaves me feeling like I'm cheating when out with another woman. Not as much now, but that feeling is still lingering in the background sometimes. Do you feel that way at all?


I had to hunt for this, I thought it was on your thread, sjohn, but found it here on SBJ's -- Hi to you both!

I had just wanted to say that I don't know why you have to choose and know whether that feeling that you are cheating is valid. I mean, it is valid. You had no interest in betraying your vows or not upholding the promise you made. She chose something else for both of you. That doesn't mean she can take away what your heart knew/knows to be true -- that you were one flesh til the ol' end. So you feel it when you open your heart to someone else. Not feeling it would be weird, considering how much you wanted to stay married to your W. You can't just shut that off just because she was able to shut it off on via the MLC shut-off valve.

I am not saying that that feeling is what you should act on -- e.g., not be with anyone else. I just think it's okay to accept that it's complex, and that any woman who dates you should accept that too -- not that you should talk about it more than once with her! And that only if she is asking what you are holding back on. Otherwise I would not talk about it with a new woman, it could be painful if she didn't go through LBS of MLC-er syndrome and understand it. But any woman who has life experience would I think understand that you carry that pain and that you can move past it but not obliterate it. Or at least any woman you date should be that wise and kind to understand!

Last edited by Gerda; 10/12/19 06:22 AM.

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2868359
10/15/19 07:27 PM
10/15/19 07:27 PM
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 870
Texas
S
SBJ Offline OP
Member
SBJ  Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 870
Texas
Gerda, thanks for checking in. I agree that at this point in our lives, any relationship is and will continue to be complicated. Any time you try to meld people with children there is stress. Any time you try to combine people with rough pasts there will be strain.

I've been out with several women and all of them have totally different histories and also their marriages have all ended different from one another. Some have been widowed, some are still in communication with and some are totally estranged.

After being out of the dating game for 28 years, it is totally different than I remember. It is not as organic as it once was. It seems that everyone wants to meet online first and kind of go thru a pre-date interview before actually meeting. Weird.

All that being said...I'm not sold on the whole dating game. it is nice to be out with someone that is truly interested in you and learning about you, but it is a ton of work. I guess college dating in the past seemed so easy. We didn't have so many other things that we were involved in.

>>>>>

Journaling:
My father-in-law just stopped by my office to say hello. We visited for a few minutes before he had to get back to his office. Just as he was leaving he awkwardly mentioned that the ex isn't seeing the OM any longer. He said...I guess she found out that it isn't always rosier on the other side. This guy, who is a man of few words, just cracks me up. Not sure why he felt that he needed to let me know that, but it is funny.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Re: From the other side (#10) [Re: SBJ] #2868369
10/15/19 08:22 PM
10/15/19 08:22 PM
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 870
Texas
S
SBJ Offline OP
Member
SBJ  Offline OP
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 870
Texas
Gerda, thanks for checking in. I agree that at this point in our lives, any relationship is and will continue to be complicated. Any time you try to meld people with children there is stress. Any time you try to combine people with rough pasts there will be strain.

I've been out with several women and all of them have totally different histories and also their marriages have all ended different from one another. Some have been widowed, some are still in communication with and some are totally estranged.

After being out of the dating game for 28 years, it is totally different than I remember. It is not as organic as it once was. It seems that everyone wants to meet online first and kind of go thru a pre-date interview before actually meeting. Weird.

All that being said...I'm not sold on the whole dating game. it is nice to be out with someone that is truly interested in you and learning about you, but it is a ton of work. I guess college dating in the past seemed so easy. We didn't have so many other things that we were involved in.

>>>>>

Journaling:
My father-in-law just stopped by my office to say hello. We visited for a few minutes before he had to get back to his office. Just as he was leaving he awkwardly mentioned that the ex isn't seeing the OM any longer. He said...I guess she found out that it isn't always rosier on the other side. This guy, who is a man of few words, just cracks me up. Not sure why he felt that he needed to let me know that, but it is funny.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
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