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LoneWlf , been thinking about you and your sitch.

Hope you are busy GAL etc.


M 53 W 54, M since 98
D15, D19
8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM
until 10/14
7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR
12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.

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Thank you all for your continued support. All of you have helped me thru this difficult journey.

I wouldn't worry about showing her you are moving forward. People who are truly moving forward don't care who notices, so the fact that you are trying hard to show it actually negates the message you are trying to send.

Rose - thank you for the 2X$4 you are right! - what others think should be irrelevant as long as I feel right about it myself thanks.

HI Lonewlf, it's nice to hear that you were able to present yourself so well at the teacher conferences. I'm sure your wife notices and it must be a good feeling to know that you're being the best version of yourself that you can be. I don't remember the reasons why your wife left you. If she's depressed then perhaps your progress won't impress her because she's still not feeling good about herself. If she found another many then maybe she has both guilt and loyalty to the other man. Otherwise you sound like a great catch and she should try to get you back before it's too late!

Thanks Nic - I make a conscious effort to be presentable. When I was 60 lbs heavier -I really did not take care of myself and did not really care. Now that I have put in the work - I can say I like the new me and dress accordingly. My wife left me because she said I was too controlling and I was unmotivated ( I was working 10 hour shifts with bone spurs in my joints had surgery to get them removed only to have the pain come back. Tried to remedy it with orthotics, braces , boots, my only other option was to fuse the joints which I refused ) I can see that I was in a lot of pain not very pleasant to be around and not helping much around the house. Now I go to the gym or exercise almost every day and and mindful of my actions and words. My W has found interest in this New Age religion fostered by her older sister ( whos been in 7 different relationships since I have been with W) W is fascinated with Reiki - Healing crystals , talking with spirits and the dead, and all that the church looks down on. As I said before if my choice is between God and W. There is no choice. Nic- thank you so much for your kind words.

RR- Thanks for checking in on me. As always you have my back!

Work has been hectic - trying to learn a new job and being asked to implement some new procedures and clean up somethings that are pretty big always keep me busy. S is doing pretty good in that he has not missed a day of school .I had an interaction with W this week where she came over to clean up. I came from work a little late so I had to eat while she started on her own. S pretty much stayed out of her way and she did not initiate any contact. At one point she had asked me to keep her posted as to what S is doing . I replied I will do my part to keep her informed of all pertinent information but she should reach out to him to try to rebuild that relationship. She responded with a really sad expression saying- I don't know what to do but it will have to be like this for now. I validated by saying I can understand that it may be confusing dealing with a teenager just let me know what I can do to help. She said thanks. Other than that the interaction was cordial. No friction - no sparks no R talks.
At church - the homily was about how Jesus helped the blind man to see. In one of the readings it mentioned how He brings the waywards back. This caught my attention because a couple times this week as we say prayers my S would pray. we pray for mom that you protect and guide her and that you open her eyes to see the goodness in family.

After church my sister invited me and s over to her place for dinner. We had a good dinner and on the way home. S says - hey dad with the money I earned over the summer I'd like to upgrade my cpu video card and get a new iphone. I said to him do you know what a new iphone cost? He said I won't get the latest model one that is a couple years old. I said to him in a calm voice- this is your money but you need to look at how to spend it wisely- wasn't it you that told me that you were not interested in the new iphone and that you wanted your family more than the phone- have your priorities changed?. He said - well it doesn't look like I'm going to get my family together. I simply responded by saying there are things in life that we have to accept - it may not have been our choice but we must still accept and do your best to keep going forward. He said I'm going to write mom a letter and give her one more chance. I said to him - as long as you are respectful and not intentionally hurt yourself and others , I will fully support and love you - no matter what! He said thanks Dad!. When we got home he said he wanted to show me how his reflexes have improved with the computer accessory that I recently got him> he asked me to try it- to which I failed horribly. He was at 98% while I was at 16%. spent the rest of the night hanging out and playing with him.

Than you all for your love and prayers! Blessings!


M51 w50
T-20Yrs M-16Yrs
S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up
1 Awesum dog
BD 10/31/17
separate rooms 02/08/18
wife moved out 05/17/18

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This ^^^ all sound sounds wonderful. None of us are perfect all of the time. That is why we are here and have each other. But this post from you shows that Gods work has paid off.

I'm sure you will mitigate but I hope that S's letter is not worded in a threatening way with the "one more chance".
Teens do and say things that lack experience and wisdom. Just maybe help him not come across as issuing an ultimatum.

LW, I am far from perfect on my walk, but hear me out.
Perhaps God has used all the conditions in your sitch to teach you about your past controlling ways. All of it. The lack of attraction may be for your benefit to aid in detaching, to work on you. These feelings can change when the time is right.
Perhaps the Lord will use your S to restore your family. You have to wonder about how much pain your W must have been in to even temporarily abandon her S. No, I'm not taking her side. I side with the MR. Why else would God take so much control away from you?
I can't help but think when you are ready, all this could come back together.


M 53 W 54, M since 98
D15, D19
8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM
until 10/14
7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR
12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.

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Posts: 879
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RR, that's an interesting perspective for LoneWlf to think about, but there is one area--religion--in which he is maintaining his controlling ways.

I believe he said that in order for him to let his wife return, she would have to return to orthodox Catholicism, and abandon her new spiritual beliefs. That is a huge degree of control.

Unless he can get to the point where he accepts that his wife's religious beliefs are between her and God, it probably isn't good for them to reconcile.


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
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Of course, it is all speculation.

But I believe that his W is running away from all thing LW. This includes the one and only true God. All this crystal new age garbage is a mear rebellion.

God uses our pain to heal that pain. This "control issue" may well be a symptom of an early life injury. Many on here use NGS to hide from their injury. Bottom line is they are not fulfilling their God given Masculinity. Ws don't like it either. In short, in order for her to expose her true Feminity, she must feel this masculinity. DBing is in large part all about this.

I imagine that LW wouldn't stay with a non-christian W. Period. IMO, this is more of a boundary then a control.

Given time and progress, nothing is out of the question.


M 53 W 54, M since 98
D15, D19
8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM
until 10/14
7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR
12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.

Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 603
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LoneWlf Offline OP
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Perhaps God has used all the conditions in your sitch to teach you about your past controlling ways. All of it. The lack of attraction may be for your benefit to aid in detaching, to work on you. These feelings can change when the time is right.
Perhaps the Lord will use your S to restore your family. You have to wonder about how much pain your W must have been in to even temporarily abandon her S. No, I'm not taking her side. I side with the MR. Why else would God take so much control away from you?
I can't help but think when you are ready, all this could come back together.


RR-( as always Thank you !) You may be totally correct that God is teaching me a lesson and I am open to that . The lack of attraction I never really thought of it as such but you present an interesting angle. As you said things can and will change- nothing is permanent. The pain that my W feels I cannot speak on her behalf but in all our interactions- except for breaking down in front on my Ss therapist the one time- she has pretty much kept it together. For me the pain would be unbearable and I've said this before- it would amount in a slow death. Weather God uses S to restore my family I don't know. At this point I'm not sure if I want my W back. I'm not sure if she can overcome my broken feelings of trust and betrayal. i'm not sure if W is willing to put in the work to heal and grow so far she has been steadfast in her actions and words of wanting an S and a D. I'm not sure how I feel but will always look to further improve my heath and well being. Primarily for me but also for S.

but there is one area--religion--in which he is maintaining his controlling ways.

Unless he can get to the point where he accepts that his wife's religious beliefs are between her and God, it probably isn't good for them to reconcile.



Rose- Thank you for your point of view it is much appreciated. I have read here often that we must live by our values and beliefs. This is the essence of my being. This gives life a purpose- to love and serve. This is the core of who I believe I am. As a matter of fact My W met me at the church and persued me and told me she fell in love with this individual. I too feel that this M failed because I may have temporarily lost my focus on God and put W on a pedestal. Speaking to my priest friend he thinks W is using this new age religion to fill a void and add excitement that she was missing in our R. I appreciate how you can feel that it is control but to me this is a deal breaker. I will not be with someone or have someone practice and expose myself and S to pagan rituals and values. Not control but belief! I will not compromise my beliefs not for anybody.

Thank you all for helping me to heal and grow!! Blessings!


M51 w50
T-20Yrs M-16Yrs
S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up
1 Awesum dog
BD 10/31/17
separate rooms 02/08/18
wife moved out 05/17/18

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Originally Posted by Rose888

I believe he said that in order for him to let his wife return, she would have to return to orthodox Catholicism, and abandon her new spiritual beliefs. That is a huge degree of control.


I disagree 100% with this. This, in my opinion, is a boundary. One that LW is entitled to draw if it is important to him. In fact, I think we would all agree that we all have a similar boundaries. For instance, most people would draw the line if their WAS went off to become a member of a cult. Or of a Satan worshipping sect. Or maybe even a group that believed in and held animal sacrifices. So we all have a religious boundary we would draw, and it is up to each individual to draw that. One of the more common ones today is when two atheists are married, and then one finds religion later. Sometimes that is a boundary for the atheistic spouse that they can't tolerate.

So if one of Lone's conditions for future R is that she give up this new age religion and return to their original chosen faith, I do not see how anyone could tell him that is wrong.


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Originally Posted by LoneWlf

but there is one area--religion--in which he is maintaining his controlling ways.

Unless he can get to the point where he accepts that his wife's religious beliefs are between her and God, it probably isn't good for them to reconcile.



Rose- Thank you for your point of view it is much appreciated. I have read here often that we must live by our values and beliefs. This is the essence of my being. This gives life a purpose- to love and serve. This is the core of who I believe I am. As a matter of fact My W met me at the church and persued me and told me she fell in love with this individual. I too feel that this M failed because I may have temporarily lost my focus on God and put W on a pedestal. Speaking to my priest friend he thinks W is using this new age religion to fill a void and add excitement that she was missing in our R. I appreciate how you can feel that it is control but to me this is a deal breaker. I will not be with someone or have someone practice and expose myself and S to pagan rituals and values. Not control but belief! I will not compromise my beliefs not for anybody.

Thank you all for helping me to heal and grow!! Blessings!





Well stated sir. One of the Bibles teachings is that we must love Christ more than wife, children, parents, siblings, etc.... (Some do not like the KJV of this passage because it is worded "Anyone that cometh to me and hate not mother and father...etc). But the point is that Christ is first in our lives above everyone else. Non-Christians may not understand that because they think in terms of the here and now, not the next life. Principles are of the utmost importance, no matter what those principles cost us. I admire this about you LW above all else (and there is plenty to be admired!).


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My personal experience definitely influences my thinking on this. I’m the child of a marriage where one partner became a believer after marriage and I am in a marriage where a believer became an unbeliever. (I am skipping a lot of nuance here.)

I firmly believe no one should be coerced to profess any religious belief under threat of divorce.

I also think 1 Corinthians 7 is the most applicable scripture for marriages where one spouse changes belief.

But I can see how others view it differently.


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
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Originally Posted by Rose888
My personal experience definitely influences my thinking on this. I’m the child of a marriage where one partner became a believer after marriage and I am in a marriage where a believer became an unbeliever. (I am skipping a lot of nuance here.)

I firmly believe no one should be coerced to profess any religious belief under threat of divorce.

I also think 1 Corinthians 7 is the most applicable scripture for marriages where one spouse changes belief.

But I can see how others view it differently.


Been a while since I studied I Cor 7, but I believe the bulk of that is centered around the experience with your parents, where one became a believer after marriage. And I Cor 7 is mostly from the perspective of the of believer and what they should do in relation to their unbelieving spouse. I do not think from recollection that I Cor. 7 is talking about the situation where both were believers, and then one becomes an unbeliever.

Obviously in the first case, I Cor 7 says the new believer shouldn't leave the unbeliever, but it does say if the unbeliever leaves then let them go. (DBing in the 1st century!)

But what about that Lone's case? Where the believing spouse becomes an unbeliever and leaves? I am not sure I Cor 7 is dealing with that instance. However, Rose, I see where you are coming from and reasonable people can obviously disagree on this. I hope you didn't think my disagreement came across as harsh, it wasn't intended to. I think your perspective on this is very refreshing, and this is a healthy discussion considering lone's unique circumstances.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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