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BluWave Offline OP
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Thank you for the responses, everyone :-) I get a lot out of your posts too. I want to go back and get caught up on more of your sitches. I am finding lately that I feel stronger and that reading here is less of an emotional trigger. I hope it lasts. Perhaps it would help me to explore why that is and what has changed.

I have come to the conclusion that traveling is not good for my M. Too much togetherness? Stress of traveling with kids ? Entitled teenagers driving me nuts in general? We took a long vacay last summer and after I returned I was ready to walkaway (who am I kidding, I wanted runaway) from my H. And this trip was certainly stressful in it's own way. I found myself going back to that doubtful thinking again and I have had to really check myself.

I don't have all the answers. I do feel like I am turning some small corner in the way I view and think about things in my M. And not just in my M, but in my relationships with other family members and friends. I've been feeling more patient and less reactive in general. Maybe some of this is age related too.

We are back in full swing of work, school, kids activities, etc. I am enjoying my days off more. I have faced a challenge that I wasn't sure I could, which involves visiting a place I went during that painful time. I think it will be good for me. Sometimes just reading a good book and putting all thoughts and worries aside is nice too.

Things with H are okay. It is strange to talk about him knowing that one day he could read this. So could XOW's XH too. I don't think H will, but I also don't put anything past anyone anymore. Myself included in that! People can always surprise us! My main goal is just to feel okay with the choices I make, while putting the BS aside.

Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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Blu,

I have been reading through your sitch the last week or 2. I would absolutely LOVE if you could read through mine and give me some feedback, 2x4's ANYTHING. BD was a year ago, ILYBNILWY while I was 5 months pregnant. 3 months later I found out about OW. He felt awful, tried to make us work, but continued talking with OW and we separated when baby girl was 6 weeks (this past April). We have been on and off, trying to make it work, not trying to make it work, living together, not living together. Everything has been on his terms in my opinion.

I asked him to leave the house 2 weeks ago, as I suspected he was seeing someone else and he refused to show me his phone. After about a week out of the house he started to seem remorseful, coming around more, communicating better, telling me he was sorry for everything and wishes he had handled everything differently. This was this past Friday. I found out Saturday night he is seeing someone else, he continues to deny this, and is now extremely angry with me and discussing divorce again. Through the advice of some amazing people in here, I am doing my best. But as a woman who has been there before, I would absolutely love your input.

I am thinking of you daily and it is YOU who has really inspired me to fully DB. I read your sitch daily, starting from your first post. I hope to hear from you, thanks!

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BluWave Offline OP
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kech, sure thing. Thank you for reading. I have been trying to read your threads, but there are so many and it's moving so fast, I can't seem to get caught up! Look, this is really hard stuff. Slow and steady wins the race and there is always more time on your side. Time is your friend. It takes time to digest all this and time for your improvements to take hold. People here get very caught up in winning them back, however they have often lost site of the fact that they really do not want what they are fighting for (this person that has lied, cheat, hurt or abandoned them). We want the person that we used to have. That person is gone and we need to let them go ...

Looks like you are getting lots of great advice. Just try and have some patience with yourself, and try to actually stick to the advice, without slipping into bad habits. That is the hard part. Do not engage in this petty drama, it will not help anything.

This takes a ton of patience, but it can be done! Do not even try and measure any success or judge his responses. It will not work. He is on his own path and it cannot be controlled or predicted by you. Everything you do, you do for YOU (not to get a response from him) and for the baby's best interest of course. Things often get much worse before there is any sign of improvement. I will post on your thread later, okay?

Blu


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Glad to hear from you Blu. Life is about walking the road to our destiny. We must enjoy that walk (not the walkaway ;))


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
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sia Offline
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Blu, vacations can be stressful even in normal circumstances, sometimes you need a personal vaca after a family vaca. Do you know if H feels the same way? Do you think a vaca without the kids, just the two of you would be different? But as you have pointed out in your earlier threads, we all just need ourselves to cruise through the calm waters of life. Thanks for your reply on my thread, helped me a ton as usual, reading posts on this forums has become my go to when all else seems to be at a dead end. Hugs.

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I try and update monthly, but sometimes it's hard to know what to post. Things carry on and life is busy as usual. I find myself wanting to feel detached from the situation in general. There is a distance between us and I can't seem to find motivation to move in one direction or another. I don't want to get D, or break up my M or family, not at all. I also feel guarded and am not doing what is needed to have a close relationship with him. I am not entirely sure why. I am accepting where I am at and can't force it.

My BFF that I spoke of before is doing well. She ended her long term R last spring and has been dating. It took her almost two years to end it because he just could not let go of her and she felt guilty. And a bit torn. So now she has moved on and has been dating. She is seeing someone now that she really likes, and is maybe infatuated with. I am thrilled for her and it is fun to hear her stories. She is realizing that she has never felt this sort of connection with anyone and she is overjoyed. Even if things don't work out with this guy, she is getting a flavor of how romantic and exciting it can be. She never had this with her Xs. I have known her since childhood and would have to agree.

This has brought up some feelings for me because I felt this way about my H in the beginning. Those feelings lasted a long time. Even for 10-15 years, and going through hardships, I still felt very much in love with him and we had a strong connection. I know it will never be the same as it was then, but I find myself wondering what it will be and if THAT will be enough. I just don't know yet. I don't have the motivation right now to work on things or create closeness. He thinks I am unhappy and says that he is. I tend to focus on kids, work, yoga and my friendships. Perhaps I should be doing more and working on my M - and my guess is you all think that too - I just do not feel it inside of me right now.

Blu


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I don't think you need to work on it more than you can take or feel. Reading your piecing journey and some of the others, it's such an exhausting process that will probably continue in some form as long as you have the R. It just can't be the same as ever before, as you've noted.

I think you just need to take the time for yourself, and if that is focusing on the kids, friends, and other activities, then so be it. You can't work on something from an empty tank. You need to fill up that tank from things you love to do and bring you energy and joy. And then you can probably do some self-introspection to see why you're feeling this way about the R at this moment.


No one is coming to save you!

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Thank you, Maika. You have always been supportive of me. I appreciate it. You are right, we cannot work from an empty tank. I am pretty good at keeping busy, nurturing my other relationships, enjoying my alone time, and have gotten better at self care. It's hard to admit, but I still feel this void or emptiness in regards to my M. So what I am suggesting is that my tank is not empty, and I don't feel like I am unhappy, but when it comes to my M, something is missing for me.

It is easier for me to give advice to others than to take it myself. I guess that is true for all of us. I find myself focusing on things that were wrong in the M before all of this happened. These things did not bother me before as much as they do now. I guess that is how rewriting history works ... I get it now.

I still miss the way I felt about him before this mess. I really don't see myself ever feeling that way again. Sometimes I wonder if I am settling for less. Other times I feel down on myself because I think I should be doing more. Most days though, I don't give it a lot of thought and I simply carry on. Life is beautiful. I have a lot.

He told me that he knows when I look at him, I am disappointed in him. He can feel it. I think after all these years he still feels that he is waiting for me to come around more. That is sad, right? That I am the cause of his unhappiness, or so he feels that way. But that doesn't motivate me to change. He reminds me of all the things I have done and said that have hurt him since he has been back, and he is not wrong. He has remained here and loyal. I know that.

I am open to advice and 2*4s. Maybe you all see something that I don't.

I recall those days after BD so vividly when I felt so afraid and dark and hopeless. All I wanted was my H and my life back. I have that now. But I am telling you, it is not what it was. I have never in these last several years felt as strongly about him as I did the first many years of our M. I guess I still like the idea of feeling that way about someone. I can't just let that go. I also don't have it in me to "make" it happen.

Blu


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Blu I know you have been piecing for 4 years now and you have tried all the known techniques. I am new to this and inexperienced, please take whatever I say with a grain of salt
You may be feeling this way because you see your bff living her life differently, you have known her a long time and listening to her makes you wonder maybe there is something else for you out there that doesn’t come with so much baggage, your BFF has young love in her life right now, the honeymoon phase which all of us would want forever. Feeling this way may have nothing to do with your history with H, it is just the girl in you wanting love, wanting newness in life. M is a commitment, you went thru hell for your H because you are a committed wife, mother and a person with strong values. But there is a child in all of us wanting a burden free new life and you feeling this way might just be because of what your friend has. I have had these feelings at various junctures with my BFFs, a twinge telling me maybe there is something more, but then I used to come back to reality
Will going on a retreat by yourself over the weekend help? If you do a trip of sorts just by yourself once a month or so? Let H handle the house and Ds
Your H has made some huge mistakes but he has also done something most waywards don’t do, he has shown remorse and made amends and rightfully earned his place back into your family.
I read everywhere that M is always work in progress but that sounds so exhausting, to me it feels like it should come more naturally. You are doing all you can, don’t beat yourself up. You have endured more than most already
Give it time, all Ms with or without history like ours have these phases, men are just exhausting lol. Remember the storms you have been through, this is just cloudy weather for your standards
Hugs

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Hey Blu...

I have walked the journey, but not the phase that you have with your H coming back. So, unfortunately my take is more theoretical than experiential perspective.

As Sia pointed out, I am wondering at some subconscious level you are doing the 'what if' scenario? Seeing the life your BFF is living, are you comparing your life to hers, and particularly decisions you made. Are you feeling something is missing because of a potential life you might've had if you hadn't taken H back? More questions than answers lol.

I am also wondering if you're somehow struggling with letting go of the past - life with H pre-affair and then BD and the aftermath. I do have experience with that struggle. The issue there is not the recognition that there is explicit baggage that needs to be dropped, but dealing with the fear that once you drop it, it's never coming back on your shoulders and you have to walk the path forward. Even though intellectually you know it's going to fine, part of you is wrapped up in that baggage as being part of your identity and story. Letting go means you have to change your story, which is scary because that story is a source of comfort and retreat. It's tackling that fear and seeing yourself differently where the challenge is. I am just curious to know how you think of yourself? Are you self-victimizing yourself with the story of what happened and that it will always continue to define you? For me, making that marked difference between being victimized in the past, and not a continuous victim helped.

The other thing about what you feel 'missing' in your M, are you waiting for your H to figure out what that void might be and fill it? Even though your R will never be like it was in the past, can you come to a place of acceptance on that? I don't mean resignation to that fact, but accepting that going through what you have gone through cannot possibly salvage the R in an intact way. The other piece on this is - what do you want your M to look like? Don't compare it to the past, but look towards the future. If you're not going to D and walk away, what does happiness and fulfillment in your M look like? And can you take ownership of that and make it happen, with his partnership?

You may feel like your tank is full, which is great, but you still need time for yourself. Tank is full, but not full enough for you to take active steps yet. Maybe you sense that broaching this is going to be another round of exhausting work and you just don't want that right now - which is completely fine.

I am sorry that you're going through this and I don't want to chalk it upto ups and downs in a relationship. I do want to feel the same things you noted when I get into a R. Have the strength for you to do you. I wonder if you feel any pressure to do something because you know he's unhappy and he sees it in your disappointment. Well, that's his bag to solve and overcome his insecurities.

Keep posting and sharing your journey. There's just so much to this and every bit of insight into the full path helps.


No one is coming to save you!

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