LW, keep it up! You're an inspiration to us all. You've kept such a good attitude through all of this, I always enjoy reading your updates. This shows that DBing is always successful.
Thanks Steve if anyone is to be an inspiration -it is you!!!!
Good to hear LW, sounds like you are heading in the right direction.
Thanks RR- I am hoping to continue to heal and grow Very nice. Glad to hear about the communication and best of all that you feel good about it. This is a really nice step in the right direction, very proud of you!
Thanks H-Yes I feel good communication is progressing- I have a long way to go yet
Thanks all for your kindness and love..
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Just a bit of journaling. I met W today at the school for parent teacher interviews. I went dressed in new clothes - nice haircut -upbeat and positive. W came in dressed in her everyday frumpy clothes. Still no feelings either way. I showed up first but then W came and sat beside me asking questions about work and S. I stayed up beat keeping my answers brief and positive and throwing in a joke or 2 occasionally. The first classroom was on the main floor. S had an 83% avg so far- teacher said S is a good student. 2nd classroom was upstairs - so we get to the stairs and i jog up while I look back and see W labor up the stairs. Looks like she is not taking care of herself. Teacher said S is maintaining a 82% avg but has failed to hand in home work 3 out of 4 times. Last classroom is on the main floor so we head to the staircase. W says "are you gonna show off again by running down the stairs?". With a big grin I said jokingly ,"I can appreciate that you are getting old but it is too bad you can no longer keep up with this guy!" and off I went. The last teacher said S avg in his class was 97% said that S was a model student and encouraged S to join a after school club to utilize his skill and knowledge. One thing to note. While speaking with all Ss teachers W asks each teacher to keep an eye on S for any odd behavior because we are separated. She mentions it almost like she flaunting it as a badge of some accomplishment. It may be out of concern but somehow it did not sound like that to me. At the final exit I run into a kid I coached this year on my Ss baseball team and his single mom. Mom comes to give me a hug and thanks me for doing a great job coaching the boys to the semi finals.W is just behind me while this is happening. I left W feeling good that I portrayed a confident alpha male. I spoke to S about how proud I am of him and his marks and encourage him continue but focus on homework completion. Again I feel good and positive about my interaction with W. Still feelings of blah in terms of attraction to her. Anyways my journey to a better me continues. Stay positive- stay well!!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Just a bit of journaling. I met W today at the school for parent teacher interviews. I went dressed in new clothes - nice haircut -upbeat and positive. W came in dressed in her everyday frumpy clothes. Still no feelings either way. I showed up first but then W came and sat beside me asking questions about work and S. I stayed up beat keeping my answers brief and positive and throwing in a joke or 2 occasionally. The first classroom was on the main floor. S had an 83% avg so far- teacher said S is a good student. 2nd classroom was upstairs - so we get to the stairs and i jog up while I look back and see W labor up the stairs. Looks like she is not taking care of herself. Teacher said S is maintaining a 82% avg but has failed to hand in home work 3 out of 4 times. Last classroom is on the main floor so we head to the staircase. W says "are you gonna show off again by running down the stairs?". With a big grin I said jokingly ,"I can appreciate that you are getting old but it is too bad you can no longer keep up with this guy!" and off I went. The last teacher said S avg in his class was 97% said that S was a model student and encouraged S to join a after school club to utilize his skill and knowledge. One thing to note. While speaking with all Ss teachers W asks each teacher to keep an eye on S for any odd behavior because we are separated. She mentions it almost like she flaunting it as a badge of some accomplishment. It may be out of concern but somehow it did not sound like that to me. At the final exit I run into a kid I coached this year on my Ss baseball team and his single mom. Mom comes to give me a hug and thanks me for doing a great job coaching the boys to the semi finals.W is just behind me while this is happening. I left W feeling good that I portrayed a confident alpha male. I spoke to S about how proud I am of him and his marks and encourage him continue but focus on homework completion. Again I feel good and positive about my interaction with W. Still feelings of blah in terms of attraction to her. Anyways my journey to a better me continues. Stay positive- stay well!!
I'm curious about this exchange (in bold). What motivated your response?
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
What's up, Wolf? I agree with what you said about your W making the comments about being separated. It's one thing to ask if there has been any odd behavior, but to add the separation thing is weird. Sounds like you're doing good. Keep it up!!...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
LW, it sounds like something about your post struck Rose odd, and I have to admit it does me too. These quotes in particular:
Originally Posted by LoneWlf
I went dressed in new clothes - nice haircut -upbeat and positive. W came in dressed in her everyday frumpy clothes.
It's great that you showed up looking your best. But it's a school event so it's hardly a surprise she showed up in casual wear. There's this odd "holier than thou" vibe about how you said that. Or maybe a "I'm convincing myself I don't need her" vibe. Not sure what it is but it sounds a little off.
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W says "are you gonna show off again by running down the stairs?". With a big grin I said jokingly ,"I can appreciate that you are getting old but it is too bad you can no longer keep up with this guy!" and off I went.
There it is again. First of all the "getting old" comment is passive/aggressive, the very thing warned against in NMMNG. Hiding behind a joking manner. Sarcasm. Then that same "holier than thou" thing with running down the stairs. I fully expect you to say "oh I was just kidding and she knew it" which is EXACTLY what a NG would say to something like that. So think about that, what was your motivation, why did you do it, how do you think it made W feel. We're not trying to beat you up, we're just here to listen to you, point things out, help you tweak your approach.
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While speaking with all Ss teachers W asks each teacher to keep an eye on S for any odd behavior because we are separated. She mentions it almost like she flaunting it as a badge of some accomplishment.
You don't really know why she said it, and it's best not to expend too much energy trying to figure it out. Believe nothing they say and only half of what they do.
Anyway I think you're on the right track, I just think you're still spending too much time trying to impress her or figure out what she's thinking. Do stuff for you and let the chips fall where they may.
A confident Alpha male doesn't act passive-aggressive.
A confident Alpha male doesn't show off.
I'm sure the W feels out of control as well as nervous telling that you two are separated. I imagine telling the teachers helps her feel involved.
It's difficult. Stay strong. God bless.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Thank you all for your valued opinions- will try and explain my actions and thoughts the best I can
W says "are you gonna show off again by running down the stairs?". With a big grin I said jokingly ,"I can appreciate that you are getting old but it is too bad you can no longer keep up with this guy!" and off I went.
My thought here was to indicate to her that I am moving forward no matter what- even if I have to leave her behind
I went dressed in new clothes - nice haircut -upbeat and positive. W came in dressed in her everyday frumpy clothes.
I used to work in a warehouse- and now since I've lost close to 60 lbs I need new clothes. I work in an office now and had to dress accordingly. I honestly put on some new nice clothes for work but also to look good to W it also feels good to be nicely presentable. When I leave the house now I try to dress decently. Before it was track pants and t shirts (another one of mt 180s) I feel as if W just puts on old unattractive attire with a boyish haircut - with her grey hair with no style done. This makes me feel she let herself go.
While speaking with all Ss teachers W asks each teacher to keep an eye on S for any odd behavior because we are separated. She mentions it almost like she flaunting it as a badge of some accomplishment.
Here I feel she could of easily presented it as- Has S been acting out of sorts or even odd at times? I would tend to leave it at that. If the teachers say yes -S is being belligerant or withdrawn or something out of the ordinary then I feel it would be necessary to bring up the separation. Otherwise just let it be.
I can say that my intent was simply to look nice and presentable act upbeat and positive and portray someone that is content and moving forward. My intent was not to belittle or to present myself holier than thou. I appreciate the 2X4s and may need to refine my approach for the next interactions. Thank you all for your honest opinions.
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
I wouldn't worry about showing her you are moving forward. People who are truly moving forward don't care who notices, so the fact that you are trying hard to show it actually negates the message you are trying to send.
Also, about her telling the teachers that you are separated, I wouldn't read too much into it. It's pretty standard parenting practice to tell teachers when the family is going through a separation or divorce. Teachers usually appreciate that sort of information.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
HI Lonewlf, it's nice to hear that you were able to present yourself so well at the teacher conferences. I'm sure your wife notices and it must be a good feeling to know that you're being the best version of yourself that you can be. I don't remember the reasons why your wife left you. If she's depressed then perhaps your progress won't impress her because she's still not feeling good about herself. If she found another many then maybe she has both guilt and loyalty to the other man. Otherwise you sound like a great catch and she should try to get you back before it's too late!
