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It's good to hear from you Sia. I get it when you talk about having nothing to report. I feel the same way most of the time.

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I am consciously focusing on myself, my beautiful Ds , my job and taking it one day at a time. More people around us are realizing we are S and are beginning to ask questions and give me meaningful looks but that is again something I cannot control or want to worry about anymore. I still have bad days but I am aware of them and I am seeking out for what I need to heal myself.


That's exactly what you, and all of us, should be doing.

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When you are between a rock and a hard place (tiger or snake) take a moment to realize there is still honey around you, life always has some facets where it is still sweet and is at its own best version. WAS, S and D might be our worst fears but we all still have some part that is still working for us, it may be our jobs, our health, our personal growth or our beautiful children. We need to remind ourselves to enjoy and cherish what we currently have before it is too late without looking back to this day with regrets.


Operating from a place of gratitude isn't always easy but it is rewarding. When we are immersed neck-high in the muck of our sitches it is difficult to appreciate the gifts we still have. You are doing a great job if you can remember to take that step back and see the positives. Beginning each day with a recitation of things I am grateful for helps me to frame my thinking in that way.

The only thing I question is looking to the future. For me, at least, that is anxiety provoking. I read somewhere that the only time you can do anything to change the future is right now, so either work to change it now or let it go. It is easy to fall into the trap of stressing about what might happen or what we want to happen. Like the man in the dark well it is often best to let go of those things we can't control and give attention to the beauty/joy around us.


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
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I read somewhere that the only time you can do anything to change the future is right now,


This is so true and elegant in its simplicity. We can all make goals and strive for personal growth, but that future is shaped by what we do right now in the moment on a daily basis. There is just no point in stressing about the future and lamenting the past.

I've been working on 'being in the present moment' and experiencing it without worrying about the immediate future. This has come in to play a lot in all facets of my life, and with my kids. I have to actively remind myself to be present in the moment with my kids and not stress about whether we're past bed time, or we got to run out the door etc. I used to get stressed out about it a lot and I would not actively stop and listen to what my kids were telling me.

With my other goals I just take it day by day and mark the small wins. I know these small wins will add up to the future that I want, and as long as I get the small wins, make adjustments to make sure I am doing the right things, and self-reflect, the future will take care of itself.

Also, loved the video about 4 ways of letting go. Thanks Sia.

Glad to hear you're doing well and things are moving for you. The tiger story is fantastic and I will keep that in mind as I keep on improving at 'being present' and thankful.


No one is coming to save you!

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just stopped in to say hi- want to let you know you are in my prayers.


M51 w50
T-20Yrs M-16Yrs
S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up
1 Awesum dog
BD 10/31/17
separate rooms 02/08/18
wife moved out 05/17/18

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Hi Sia, everything still happened to you recently. It's so normal to still miss your husband and feel sad and yet know you can't take him back either. It's such a complicated position to be in and few can understand unless they've been through it. It's probably a good thing if more people know you're separated. You'll garner more sympathy and you can be yourself without having to keep up a false façade. I do hope the divorce can go through sooner than later so you can feel more free and at peace. Then when you finally reach that point I'm just waiting for you to post about your husband crying at your doorstep and pitying himself. Your story is definitely just beginning.

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Davide, Maika, LW and Nicole thank you for your kind words.

I need some advise this morning.
WH texted saying that he will be filing in court and has asked me for my L's info and given me his. I was really hoping it wouldn't come to this.I was aggressive in mediation with finances and he was reluctantly conceding to everything but his main condition that was I uproot my life and move with him along with the kids. Once I told him this would not happen he has decided to stop the mediation he proposed and proceed through court.
I am spinning again, not able to think this through. I need guidance and help, if anybody has any suggestions or questions that might make me think further I appreciate those as well.
I have a L and I can share that info for him to proceed. But I dont understand the point of it all. Why is he making this further harder and more expensive for both of us?
Cons of fighting this in court-
- Currently I have kids for 5 days a week, he is threateing he will ask for 50/50 custody.
He has already missed his schedule time twice in 2 months, not sure how he is planning to keep his end of childcare while maintaining a long distance R with OW
I am getting weak because I fear I will lose one more day a week with my kids, they are my life support now.
- Any advantage I had in mediation for kids financially, will be lost as courts wouldn't mandate it
- D thru L is more expensive for both of us than mediation.

I know relenting to him in mediation was not good for me or the kids, it was unreasonable. I am trying my best to find a balance, to move forward and focus on me and the kids but WH's blows don't stop. I just want him gone from our lives at this point, but guess he wants to be a part of our Ds lives too (mind reading) So does filing in court mean he may not move away himself and hence is a good father? I am so confused and torn. I am giving my best to DB, I really am but my sitch keeps getting worse. I haven't noticed one positive sign, a tiny baby step.

Is it ok to ask him why he wants to take this to court and not mediate?

He probably thinks I am controlling him again by not moving. He is having to choose between kids and OW and blames me for it, his reasoning part of the brain is dead.

Any advise for me?

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Talk to your L. I find it hard to believe that a court will grant 50/50 custody to someone that wasn't already engaging in that level of custody now. The courts see it all. They know when a guy is trying for 50/50 custody just to avoid child support.

Also see if the L thinks that the mediation agreed to so far can still be binding? AT a minimum it will mean that things were documented.

Also, talk to your L about the moving thing. He chose to move away, so it should be on him. I know my W's father had to pay all expenses related to her visitation when she was a minor because he chose to move to another city.

I think it will be fine to ask him why he wants to go court instead of mediate. But my guess is $$$$$$. Remember, a short term outlay (legal fees) for him could net him long-term savings. My guess is that this is less about his kids and more about his cash.


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M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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Sorry to hear that this is turning adversarial, Sia.

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Why is he making this further harder and more expensive for both of us?

It sounds like he is going this direction because you didn't roll over and acquiesce to his unreasonable demands in mediation. He didn't get exactly what he wanted so he is going to take it out on you.

Remember what your boundaries are. You can only control yourself and your reactions not him. For him to propose that you move across the country was unreasonable and you rightly denied that. If his reaction is to go to Ls and make this more costly and painful there isn't much you can do other than to protect yourself and your kids. Definitely talk to your L and give him the L's information.

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He has already missed his schedule time twice in 2 months, not sure how he is planning to keep his end of childcare while maintaining a long distance R with OW


Keep track of the dates that he missed. That could be helpful information for you.

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He probably thinks I am controlling him again by not moving. He is having to choose between kids and OW and blames me for it, his reasoning part of the brain is dead.


That is his problem. If he wants to move he can, but he can't force you to. Don't take on his problems.


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
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Oh, this really makes my blood boil. He is being so selfish and unreasonable. I just can't imagine any rational person, or any judge, expecting someone to uproot their entire life, kids and job, to accomdate HIS choice to leave the M and move far away. Makes no sense. I am so sorry this is happening. Hopefully he will stay put and create a good relationship with his kids. If he moves away, it should be up to him to visit and create time with such little ones. And a long distance relationship with any child, is just not ideal or best for them

I am really so sorry this is happening! What a complete FOOL this man is! I truly see this all as his loss. He will surely fall on his face some day soon here. He should be so lucky if you ever even consider him again. Sigh,

Take goo care!
Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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Steve, Davide and Blue, thank you, I was spinning bad last week and it helped me to read all your posts
Nothing great to report from my side, seems like we will file through Ls, I have shared my info with him and he is deciding on how we wants to proceed. What a crazy, fool he is, burned everything we built to the ground, but well I keep telling myself it is his loss, unfortunately he is bringing our family down with him too.
I spoke to him about continuing mediation last week. he is still the same, angry and yelling, he said I was cocky at the mediator's and is going to fight me in the court. Even after 3 months of staying away from home, his attitude towards me has not improved, still is an active volcano. I am better off not even talking to this man.
I am far from fully detached though, I am still getting stronger each day , I have come far in the last 8 months, I went from just having a baby to being told he is done with the MR. I probably took way longer than a few others but each of us has to find our own rhythm to healing fully. I GAL as much as I can, immerse myself with work, talk to a few good friends and spend time improving myself, my personality, tending to my emotional and mental well being. I have found comfort in reading and listening to spiritual teachings, very unlike me but I am trying to find some meaning to all this chaos.
I have also realized I wont stop loving H, and somewhere deep down I know that is okay too. I can still cut him out of my life, he is toxic but I am working hard on my side to forgive him. I need to do this for my own sanity.
I may have to sell the home, especially if we end up in the court, but it make take us at least 6 more months to put it on the market. It makes me sad to give up my home but I am making peace with it. I am praying I do not lose more time with my children, but if I have learnt anything in the last 8 months it is that there is no point worrying about what may happen or unfold in the future. I did that for 5 months and it did not improve my life in anyway, i just tortured myself more. Whatever happens I know there is a higher power that will give me the strength and see me through it.
My Ds are doing well, the baby will be a year old in a few weeks, she was a newborn when all this started. My DDs give me so much joy, I forget all my worries and pain when I am with them. They have been my strength through this, my purpose to push forward. I am blessed that I have them to pour all my love out to.
I continue to hope and pray that my life and sitch improves, whatever direction that maybe, I hope the same for you all.

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Hi Sia, it's great to see how you're persevering as you reach the eight month mark and your baby's first birthday. That's really great you're getting through this nightmare in a healthy manner. You can already see how your husband has changed. First he wanted a quick, immediate divorce and now he's the one prolonging the process to get what he wants. I hope whatever happens you'll find a way to avoid him getting more custody of your daughters than what he has now. Someone who has no problem destroying his family doesn't seem like a stable person to raise children 50% of the time. It's great that you're enjoying your daughters and feel happy with them. In a few years they'll already be bigger kids so you'll never regret focusing on them and giving them all your love.

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