Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 4 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 10 11
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 879
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 879
I'm very glad you didn't prompt him to reject his mother.

I think the appropriate response to your son is, "I understand why you say that, but she is your mother and deserves the chance to be there."

How would you respond if your son were mad at his mother and the two of you were still living together? You wouldn't keep the awards ceremony secret from her.

You and your wife were together for 20 years. She didn't do a bait and switch, she grew and changed.


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 216
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 216
I really like the advice youre getting here LW, Im sorry I havent posted much but I have been keeping up. I cant add anything, RR and Rose are giving you great guidance. Congrats on the job, I understand the relief that must bring but yet the worry about having enough hours in a day to keep up personal changes like diet, exercise and meditation. Its a balancing act for sure!


M: 43, H: 44
Married 18 yrs, Together 26 yrs
S17, D15, D8, S6
Still living in MH
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 816
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 816
LW, I get the resentment. I really do. I believe we all do. I also see the value in moving past it. Will it ever completely go away? IDK. I still have days where suspicion and resentment show their ugly heads. These days are fewer and farther between. Why? I believe time plays a role but so does the changes in my sitch. As Rose has pointed out in my sitch, actions speak louder than words.

These WW/WAWs take a lot out of us. They might also even save us from ourselves, too. Think about the good that has come from your sitch. You've lost how much weight? Grown closer to S. Recharged your self-esteem. These changes are huge. I believe you are exploring addressing your Control issues. BTW, I had/have them too. I keep saying: We must learn to love in such a way that the other person feels free. I believe this has been my biggest lesson. I see it in other's relationships all the time. Detachment is the way.

I'm glad that you see value in my words. I'm not one to hand out participation awards. IMO, they are not only unhelpful, but they are also hurtful. If I seem hard it is because I see the urgency. I also see a change in your W. Show her a way back and you will have control. When she sees you as an attractive option, a changed person, then you will see changes in her. Then and only then will you be in a place where any flutters will return. At that time you will be in a place where you can decide how you want to proceed. There will still be much work to be done.


M 53 W 54, M since 98
D15, D19
8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM
until 10/14
7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR
12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.

Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 603
L
LoneWlf Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 603
I think the appropriate response to your son is, "I understand why you say that, but she is your mother and deserves the chance to be there."

Rose - that is a great validating statement - unfortunately any time I bring up W - S is quick to shoot down all suggestions including W and then quickly follows up with "I don't want to talk about it!" What am I to do ? I do not want to jeopardize my R with S. He trusts me to respect his requests. I don't want to loose what i have with him.

We went to church today - Today's Thanksgiving sermon was about family and how God hates divorce. After listening of all that God wants from us and about his unconditional LOVE- I kinda got emotional but managed to keep it together. I want to reach out to all who are here and suggest we take a moment to think of all the things that make LIFE better. Be thankful for our health. Thankful for our families- take a moment to hug them extra tight. For our trials and tribulations along with the opportunities that lay ahead. Be mindful of ALL that is good. Enjoy all that make your heart dance. Happy Thanksgiving to you all. We are united in Love and prayers. Blessings!


M51 w50
T-20Yrs M-16Yrs
S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up
1 Awesum dog
BD 10/31/17
separate rooms 02/08/18
wife moved out 05/17/18

Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 879
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 879
It’s fine if he doesn’t want to talk about it. There’s nothing more you need to say. Just let him know you’ll be telling his mom about public events where he is participating.

This is different from keeping a confidence about, for example, who he is romantically interested in. Keep those confidences.

Right now you are withholding even the sort of information the school notifies home about. Your son is acting immaturely because he is a teenager. You are an adult. Again, what would you do if he were angry at your wife and she still lived at home?

Kids don’t always like our parenting decisions, so we can’t base our actions on what makes them happy.


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 603
L
LoneWlf Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 603
It’s fine if he doesn’t want to talk about it. There’s nothing more you need to say. Just let him know you’ll be telling his mom about public events where he is participating.

This is different from keeping a confidence about, for example, who he is romantically interested in. Keep those confidences.

Right now you are withholding even the sort of information the school notifies home about. Your son is acting immaturely because he is a teenager. You are an adult. Again, what would you do if he were angry at your wife and she still lived at home?

Kids don’t always like our parenting decisions, so we can’t base our actions on what makes them happy.


Rose- RR- Neff-Sia and all others-

Please believe me when I say this- I am aware it is best for S and W to have a relationship so that S can remove all the anger he holds within. I acknowledge that I may hold anger still at W. I acknowledge that I need to work on control issues. I have tried on various occasions to initiate and facilitate interactions between W and S.You can see it early in my thread. On one occasion just the fact that she was coming to the house and did not show -this put S into deep anxiety and turmoil- so much -that he had his worst game of baseball. Btw the school never called about the awards night. S just told me was playing at the school for the band for awards night the day it happened and said he would not be home for dinner along with please don't tell mom. W never reaches out to me about daily stuff -she only texts me when she need to come over to do clean up. It is when we are face to face w discuss S. I will not withold information from her about S.

Here's another case- I need to go away for a convention for my new job tomorrow and will return Thursday. I inform S16 about this new job and possible travel that goes with it. I validate that he is a young man and that he feels he does not require supervision. With out bring in up his mom and reiterating that he needs adult supervision I ask him what he feels is a valid solution. He responds I want my favorite aunt ( never married no kids) to stay with me. Now I will not ask W to come over to clean on her own bc I know it makes my sister uneasy bc of our current situation.

My point here is I'm not trying to be "the Disney Dad". I've NEVER swore or cursed about my wife to my S or even better still- to my Ws face. I have not ever said anything bad or slandered her to my S. I think that you may all feel that I am projecting anger towards my W when she is around but I will respectfully disagree because I try to remain upbeat and positive in our interaction. I know I am not perfect - and will always be be under construction. I too try to be mindful and critical about my actions and words. I have along way to go.

RR - you mentioned a sense of urgency. Well it almost a year since BD and her actions and words remain consistent to wanting S and D. In terms of myself - I'm not sure what I want . I assure you being a firm believer I want to honor my vows and covenant. As far as feelings go -they are not there for my W ( feeling do change). As for where I go- I know I must continue on this journey of self. Becoming more mindful and aware of my actions and words. To be more in tune with my emotions and channel the right outlook. And with the grace of God S,W and I will all find peace maybe together maybe separate. Just need to stay positive!

Thanks again for your caring words. Blessings!


M51 w50
T-20Yrs M-16Yrs
S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up
1 Awesum dog
BD 10/31/17
separate rooms 02/08/18
wife moved out 05/17/18

Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 816
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 816
LW, I know it is difficult on this forum to separate the sharing of our personal feelings as well as share our actions and interactions with WW.
As for:

Quote
RR - you mentioned a sense of urgency. Well it almost a year since BD and her actions and words remain consistent to wanting S and D...


Remember, believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see. WW don't often show their honest feelings. Their feelings also change. From what I am hearing she is still being irrational. Now you know her better than we do, but unless she has always been irrational, she will eventually snap out of it. It will be at this time that you will know her true desires.


M 53 W 54, M since 98
D15, D19
8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM
until 10/14
7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR
12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.

Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 603
L
LoneWlf Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 603
thanks RR.

Most of this week I was away at a convention. I came home to S. My sister spoiled him while I was gone. S informs me today that there are parent teacher interviews next week. I respond that I will be going to meet all his teachers and would like him to hear what they have to say. Then I say I will inform W because I am sure she is interested in how he is doing. He says I don't want mom to go. I try to validate by saying I can appreciate that you are angry but I think letting your mom know is the right thing to do and besides she can choose weather to go. S says if mom goes -I'm not going!..My question is what do I do now?


M51 w50
T-20Yrs M-16Yrs
S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up
1 Awesum dog
BD 10/31/17
separate rooms 02/08/18
wife moved out 05/17/18

Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 879
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 879
You tell your wife.

If your son chooses not to go, that's his choice. You go anyway.


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 2,136
Likes: 19
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 2,136
Likes: 19
Originally Posted by Rose888
You tell your wife.

If your son chooses not to go, that's his choice. You go anyway.


^^^^This LW

You must do what is right. She is his mother.


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Page 4 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard