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You handled that mediation like a pro. See that strength you have for you and your D's. You're going to be more than fine. Of course he had a toddler tantrum - he's not getting his way. Life isn't turning out so nice and rosy as he thought it would. Well, let him deal with that. You do YOU!


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Sia,

Just to echo what everyone else said, good on you! Way to stand up for yourself and not take any sh%t off of him. Your H seems like a petulant, entitled POS. If he wants to move for any reason, that's on him and he has to deal with the consequences not you. The sooner reality smacks him in the face the better!

The only question I had was about not exposing GF,BF to kids. Is that something that you can really control on his end?

Regardless, it is great to see you dealing with WAH from such a place of strength! Keep it up!


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
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Hi Sia, I feel so sorry for what you had to endure in the last mediation meeting. If your husband wants to move to the other coast could you politely suggest he's free to move solo? He can fly back to your city one or two weekends per month to visit your daughters and then you could have them full-time. This is basically how it works with my husband. The reason why this would work better is because when your husband's relationship with OW on the other coast ends he'll probably move back to where you are now, so it definitely doesn't make sense for you and your kids to be uprooted and move just for him to be closer to a woman with whom there's no guarantee he'll be with in the long-term. How selfish of him! Plus how could he even think that he has any right to pressure you to make a long-distance move when he's the one who is breaking up your family?

FYI - when my husband wanted to divorce last winter he was basically hoping he'd have to pay almost nothing for child support and he wanted to walk away from his marriage and daughter free of responsibility. That was a temporary phase though and once he broke up with his girlfriend or the fun started to wear off he started to think more clearly again and voluntarily forked over all the money I requested. This is why having your husband rush to divorce doesn't make sense. He's not thinking clearly. Not that you want him back at this point but divorce is a major lifechanging decision and isn't something that should be done in a fit of rage when someone is at the very start of an affair. I guess that's how it happens for many people but I really like the states / provinces that have a mandatory one year of separation. This forces everyone to think through their decisions and not just act upon a storm of emotions.

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Thanks Ovr, Maika, Nicole and Davide.

Nicole, I agree, I wish I was in a state which mandated a period of separation, it lets Waywards live their fantasy and fall flat on their face and at the same time lets LBS heal without having to also handle the D formalities in a fragile emotional state. I am not saying it will lead to R, but it is for each to heal and be in a mental frame to make better decisions.

Davide you are right about the kids exposed to OW, I fumbled on that front and it does seem I am stuck in denial.

I have discussed not having the kids interact with our (his) dates with WH but he denies OW. Even at the mediator I phrased it as GF/BF for either of us to which he scoffed and said I was paranoid and she basically said I was trying to control him after the separation. Instead of STFU at that point, I went on to say ' the M is over, he is free to be with whoever he wants, all I am asking for is to not expose the children to OP for their own well being'. How much do you all think I f*d up here?

Another point I forgot to add to my update earlier, when WH came to the appointment on seeing him my heart leapt to my mouth. All this felt so so so unnecessary. I wanted to shake him up from his slumber, and to my dismay I realized I still somewhere deep inside love this man, that makes me so weak and pathetic after all that he has done but you feel what you feel. I am still proud that in spite of this I was able to walk in and handle the business part of the D, and the more he talked I saw that this is not my H but the new WH and it was easier to discuss D terms. I am probably coming off to him as cold, blood thirsty, calculating and making him pay for his mistakes and trying to $crew him over but I am really not doing any of it. I want what I think is fair for the children and I want him to just be as far away from me as possible.

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I personally do not think you messed up! Even if this goes against DB, I agree with how you handled it. I love how fierce you are. You command the respect you deserve. On some level, that is what he loves about you too. .... You do not want your children exposed to this. I told my H the same thing from day 1 of the BD, and he listened. I am so glad he did. Can we control them and what they do? No. But is this something we see as intolerable? Absolutely. And I'll tell you what, if my H had ever brought my kids around that crazy woman, I doubt I would have taken him back. My kids knew her so my sitch is a little different in that sense. But still. Nope. No way would I sit quiet about that, DB or no DB!

Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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Thank you Blue, yes my motherly instincts want me to protect my babies but I have no control even there and I am struggling with that.
I have slid back in the past few days, I have learnt it in the last 7 months that this is a cyclical healing process but it is still so hard on the days that you dont feel so strong. I dont like WH the way he is now and he is absolutely unacceptable but I still want him back, I want him to feel remorse at what he has done, how he has destroyed and burnt everything to the ground. I want to show the changes I am consciously making, I want a chance to fix what is bent, I am unwilling still to accept it is completely broken, I want to save their family for my children. I know none of this is in my control, this is just what I feel from inside. We had a bitter mediation appointment and if a friend of mine would say this about her own life I would feel sorry and pathetic for her but here I am, despite knowing it all.
D3.5 cries and misses him so much, while she is with me. I hate him all those times, I can handle the pain but he is doing this to my children.
I am slowly moving forward with my life, I meditate, sleep and eat better, GAL when I can and invest myself with anything that piques my interest. I have found an immense amount of peace by leaning into spirituality, helps me feel better if I can just lean on the higher power.
WH has gone super silent since the last mediation meeting, it feels like the calm before the storm, at this point he will either serve me papers or come back with his newer terms for the mediation. I know I will rise up to either of those options, in a way it is my duty to do so for the precious children I have.
Recently someone at work unexpectedly offered me their support telling me they heard what has transpired. I was shocked, I did not know people were beginning to know. Its a small world when you work for the same company, that might be the next storm I have to bear. It might rain pity and judgement for both of us, I am not feeding the fire but how do I stop people from gossiping? It really cannot be good for any chance of future R. WH is going to think I am spreading the rumors, I think he is talking, either way we both are losing yet again.
How bad are relationships hurt when such news becomes common knowledge? Any guidance for me on this?
On a positive note, I recently go to observe D3.5 at her school, she is so smart for her age. I have such a huge task to nourish her intellectual capabilities and I am thrilled about it.
I have started a gratitude journal, it is quite helpful, I realize I have so much to be thankful for. 6 months ago I wouldnt be able to write a word in it, now I can fill a page.
I am still on NC/minimal contact, I let him initiate and there are no convos to validate or be open from his side either.
I wish I felt stronger, more healed but it takes as long as it takes I suppose.


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Originally Posted by sia
Thank you Blue, yes my motherly instincts want me to protect my babies but I have no control even there and I am struggling with that.
I have slid back in the past few days, I have learnt it in the last 7 months that this is a cyclical healing process but it is still so hard on the days that you dont feel so strong. I dont like WH the way he is now and he is absolutely unacceptable but I still want him back, I want him to feel remorse at what he has done, how he has destroyed and burnt everything to the ground. I want to show the changes I am consciously making, I want a chance to fix what is bent, I am unwilling still to accept it is completely broken, I want to save their family for my children. I know none of this is in my control, this is just what I feel from inside. We had a bitter mediation appointment and if a friend of mine would say this about her own life I would feel sorry and pathetic for her but here I am, despite knowing it all.

It may be completely broken, but that doesn't mean we can't put it back together! smile Have hopes for the best, but prepare for the worst!
Quote

D3.5 cries and misses him so much, while she is with me. I hate him all those times, I can handle the pain but he is doing this to my children.
I am slowly moving forward with my life, I meditate, sleep and eat better, GAL when I can and invest myself with anything that piques my interest. I have found an immense amount of peace by leaning into spirituality, helps me feel better if I can just lean on the higher power.
WH has gone super silent since the last mediation meeting, it feels like the calm before the storm, at this point he will either serve me papers or come back with his newer terms for the mediation. I know I will rise up to either of those options, in a way it is my duty to do so for the precious children I have.
Good.

Quote

Recently someone at work unexpectedly offered me their support telling me they heard what has transpired. I was shocked, I did not know people were beginning to know. Its a small world when you work for the same company, that might be the next storm I have to bear. It might rain pity and judgement for both of us, I am not feeding the fire but how do I stop people from gossiping? It really cannot be good for any chance of future R. WH is going to think I am spreading the rumors, I think he is talking, either way we both are losing yet again.
Just tell them you'd like to keep your private life private and put a big smile on your face


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

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Sia,

I don't see you as backsliding at all. Like you said, your emotions are going to go up and down and are cyclical, but you seem to be constant in your DBing. You are doing the right things for you and your daughter. You are providing her a great example of a strong, independent woman. That doesn't mean you feel strong all the time, but you show it through your consistent actions. Meditation is super helpful for me, and a gratitude practice can really help reframe the way we look at the world as well.

Don't stress about what other people know. It's just another example of something you can't control at all. I have a ton of friends in common with my W (who are still friends with both of us) and I am sure they know some things. The only thing I can control is what I tell them and how I interact with them. If our WAS is badmouthing us behind our backs or sharing personal info about the sitch, it only reflects more poorly on them. Especially in a small community these things are going to get out one way or another. I would just thank the person for their support and tell them it is a personal matter that you would prefer to keep private and that you would appreciate their discretion. You can't keep them from talking about it, but you can let them know that it isn't common knowledge to be openly shared.

Hang in there!


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
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Sia,

I just wanted to thank you for bringing the 4 Ways of Letting Go video to my attention. I watched it last night and it resonated quite a bit with me. He was such an engaging presence and speaker for someone with such deep wisdom. I responded very much to the prison/monastery comparison that he drew, both in terms of the WAS and in terms of my own attitude.

I hope all is well with you.


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
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Hi my DB family, I have been actively reading here but not updating because I have nothing much to report. WH and I have minimal contact, he probably is figuring out how to proceed with D, sent me some out of the blue texts, seemed like minimal temp checking, I was civil and to the point to the questions he asked.
Do I still think about him and miss him? Unfortunately yes. But I also realize he is not ready to come back and I am absolutely not ready to take him back even if he does. I wish I was more healed than this, that he didnt even cross my mind, but I am not there yet. I am consciously focusing on myself, my beautiful Ds , my job and taking it one day at a time. More people around us are realizing we are S and are beginning to ask questions and give me meaningful looks but that is again something I cannot control or want to worry about anymore. I still have bad days but I am aware of them and I am seeking out for what I need to heal myself.
I have read a lot of old threads, Robx, Mowgli, NYGAL - wow, each person's journey is an eye opener and helps me.
@ Davide, I am glad you enjoyed the video, I have been listening to him so much, wise and witty he is a great orator.
Here is an excerpt of another talk I heard that really helped me this week, so instead of discussing my problems I am hoping that reading this will help my other LBS friends and gives them some peace going into the weekend.
I am typing out what I heard, none of this is my creative brain at work.

A man walking in a jungle realized he has been spotted by a hungry tiger. The tiger starts chasing him and the man does the only thing he can, run away from it while fully aware the tiger is faster than him and will eventually get him. While running for his life, he notices a dark well in the forest, thinking it cannot get worse than being eaten alive by a tiger he jumps in. As it happens in life often for those who are facing difficult times, this well is empty and is home to a large black poisonous snake. The man, on jumping, gets caught in the roots of a tree that have grown into the well. So now hanging upside down by his legs, he sees the tiger is bending down to bite him off but he is just a little out of its reach and the snake has woken up and is raising its hood to attack him but again he is just a little out of the snake's reach. With fear gripping his heart,he notices something sticky trickling down on his face and looks up to the tree and sees that an empty bee hive has cracked open on impact and is dripping with honey. He puts his tongue out and tastes the best honey of his life and says 'Thank you god, this is so sweet'. That's it, End of story.
This is how life really works, there is no fairy tale ending, life is full of unexpected turns and events and goes on and on.
When you are between a rock and a hard place (tiger or snake) take a moment to realize there is still honey around you, life always has some facets where it is still sweet and is at its own best version. WAS, S and D might be our worst fears but we all still have some part that is still working for us, it may be our jobs, our health, our personal growth or our beautiful children. We need to remind ourselves to enjoy and cherish what we currently have before it is too late without looking back to this day with regrets.
Looking back on the past is worry, looking into the future is hope, so dont worry be hopey.
(I hope I can implement 1% of the moral here in my own life)

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