I haven't had much to post, so I've not posted much. Things are moving along pretty well these days. For those of you who haven't read my sitch (and I don't expect you to), I've been going thru this a long time. Two and a half years since she filed and one and a half since she moved out. I have done pretty well with GAL and personal growth, but have had a very hard time detaching.
We had a long session with a mediator yesterday, and I think we have a settlement agreement. Of course the devil is in the details, but the financial piece is sorted, and we agree on the rest. It was all very anticlimactic.
There's a girl I've been dating, and she's very nice. We get along well, and she's going thru a divorce too, so we relate, and vent to each other.
Two things from my last thread are important now. First, in late August, we, W, and I, drove S18 to college, 11 hours each way, and W and I drove back alone. I was dreading it, but it was a very pleasant experience. I put no pressure on her, and when she dropped me off at home, commented on how she'd been dreading it, too, but how much she'd actually enjoyed it.
Second, about a month ago, shortly after our trip, and when we were very close to reaching a settlement agreement, I thought about talking to my W, explaining what I've learned about my failings and my contributions to the failure of our marriage, and asking if she'd consider one last counselling session and work with me to try and save our marriage. So I wrote down what I wanted to say, and read it after a mediation session last month. Her only reply was to ask for the paper I read from. We drove away, and I figured, that was that. I thought, "Right, I gave it a last, best shot, got nowhere, and it's time to move on with my life", put it out of my mind, and over the years, I've reached a point where I'm pretty detached.
So we're walking out to our cars after agreeing on the divorce settlement yesterday, and she says she's thought about what I told her after the other mediation session, says how much she enjoyed our road trip, and she said she'd like to talk about what I wrote.
I don't know if this will lead anywhere. I have low expectations because I don't see her as willing to do the work required, but who knows....
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Keep those expectations nonexistent. Be prepared to listen, validate. Ask questions to understand her position. Don't get sucked in to R talk, don't get sucked in to an argument. Think before talking. Maybe think twice. Good luck
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
You say you are dating a nice girl who you relate to. I don't know your sitch, but if it resembles any of the many I have read on here wouldn't you be better off concentrating on her?
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Jim, you've really grown over your time here and it's good to see you handling these last stages with grace. Of course you know that -normally- that letter would be a bad idea, but I think you're in a position now where it wasn't an act of desperation but one last attempt to do the honorable thing and save your M. So good for you. I think if nothing else it'll help you sleep better at night knowing that she knows your position.
Originally Posted by Davide
You say you are dating a nice girl who you relate to. I don't know your sitch, but if it resembles any of the many I have read on here wouldn't you be better off concentrating on her?
I can kind of relate to where he's coming from because he and I are close to the same age and were married around the same amount of time. I've had a GF for 3 years now, she is beautiful and sweet and thinks the world of me. We have so much more in common than I did with my ex. But still, there is this nagging in the back of my head, this wondering if I could have done more to save my M. I don't know where it is coming from, but I think the best way to put it into words is I was 100% loyal to my ex, I was in the R for life, no looking back. This whole thing blind-sided me, I never expected it from the woman who loved me so much before BD. So even though she was the one that ended the R and M and apparently never looked back, that loyal side of me STILL wants to leave the door open. It's crazy, and to your point in my case I would be much better off just focusing all my attention on GF but it's damned hard to turn 25 years worth of feelings off for good.
Keep those expectations nonexistent. Be prepared to listen, validate. Ask questions to understand her position. Don't get sucked in to R talk, don't get sucked in to an argument. Think before talking. Maybe think twice. Good luck
Originally Posted by Davide
You say you are dating a nice girl who you relate to. I don't know your sitch, but if it resembles any of the many I have read on here wouldn't you be better off concentrating on her?
All good advice. I find myself in the enviable position, though, that I'm detached enough, and have enough else going on, that unless she is really willing to do the work to reconcile, I don't have much interest anymore.
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
it wasn't an act of desperation but one last attempt to do the honorable thing and save your M. So good for you. I think if nothing else it'll help you sleep better at night knowing that she knows your position.
Exactly right.
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
I can kind of relate to where he's coming from because he and I are close to the same age and were married around the same amount of time. I've had a GF for 3 years now, she is beautiful and sweet and thinks the world of me. We have so much more in common than I did with my ex. But still, there is this nagging in the back of my head, this wondering if I could have done more to save my M. I don't know where it is coming from, but I think the best way to put it into words is I was 100% loyal to my ex, I was in the R for life, no looking back. This whole thing blind-sided me, I never expected it from the woman who loved me so much before BD. So even though she was the one that ended the R and M and apparently never looked back, that loyal side of me STILL wants to leave the door open. It's crazy, and to your point in my case I would be much better off just focusing all my attention on GF but it's damned hard to turn 25 years worth of feelings off for good.
Again, this is exactly right.
I spent some time last night thinking about this talk she wants to have, and I can honestly say that I have undergone a lot of introspection over the years, understand many of my failings in our marriage, am open to hearing about the failings I'm unaware of, and am willing to do everything I can to change and do better. BUT I am also acutely aware of her failings, and I am NOT willing to reconcile unless she brings the same willingness to change and meet my needs.
AS, thanks for sharing this. It makes me feel a lot better about my situation to know someone understands it.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
AS, thanks for sharing this. It makes me feel a lot better about my situation to know someone understands it.
Absolutely! I'm not sure we'll ever get -completely- over this, it's like losing a loved one. You accept it and you move on but you don't erase the loss from your life, you just learn how to incorporate it into the complicated tapestry that is your life. And I think it makes us a little more savvy too. Even though I was 50 at BD I am a little surprised at just how naive I was to something like this happening to me.
Jim and AS, it helped me so much to understand your perspectives. I see the detachment you have achieved on your sides and want to get there, but in my heart I always know I will regret what happened, mourn what could have been and I was afraid that to feel this way was failing at DBing, but reading here helped me realize its not. Getting over someone doesnt mean you wipe out all the memories, it shouldnt be, there are some beautiful moments and joys that none of us may experience ever again, so we should cherish them and be thankful that we had an opportunity to experience them.
Jim, the one last try was being true to yourself, it was the conviction you have, it is the never quitting attitude you carry through life because you are a survivor. It takes courage to do it and detachment to be able to accept the results. If she agrees you are opening up yourself to some more challenges, pain and vulnerability as we all know R is just as hard as initial S. If she is not open to it, you have the satisfaction of knowing you gave it your all. You are a victor either way. Good luck, I hope you keep us posted so we learn from your experiences and offer you our support.
Sia, I'm glad I could help. I also regret what happened, and mourn what could have been. I honestly believe that I wouldn't have been able to see my faults, though, if she hadn't filed and moved out. That's the real shame.
I really do have the satisfaction of knowing it gave it my all, but suffer from knowing it was too probably little, too late. Just like in the books, if an approach didn't work, it was because I wasn't trying hard enough, rather than being the wrong approach. So I tried harder, and achieved nothing.
Anyway, it's funny, but she hasn't contacted me to talk, and I don't really care. Last night I was thinking about the separation agreement that the mediator sent over, and I was thinking about the future. I could picture the future without W. She'd be welcome, but she's not required. That got me to thinking about do I even really want her back. I don't really know. If she's willing to work and try to meet my needs, maybe. Otherwise, I'm not really bothered.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Jim, I just found your thread. Your update is interesting to read. I wonder when your wife will contact you to talk? There must be some last conversation you two will have before the final divorce papers get signed. I hope you'll let us know what happens.
NIcole, I don't know if she'll ever contact me to have "that" talk. We text all the time, coordinating schedules and giving updates on D16, but I keep them to the subject at hand. Our mediator has scheduled one more session to iron out the details of an issue that has come up. Honestly, it could be done over email, and I don't particularly care about going. I don't know why W isn't responding more diligently to these emails, but it doesn't really matter.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
