Advice please (I hope I am writing this in the right place this time Job). Today my H starts his new job abroad. Normally I would send him a good luck card but I haven’t & I am not planning to text. I feel bad because that’s what a friend would do but I’m sure the OW is more than compensating. The “friendship” is all one way but I’ve never not been there for him at the start of a job in the last 32 years. Am I doing a 180 or am I just being spiteful? I don’t want to lose the friendship with him, although ultimately I think it’s inevitable but I do want him to feel what loss means. Am I doing right or not? Comments appreciated. Thank you.
M 1986 ILYBINILWY Jan 2016 Found out about affair May 2016. H 57yrs. OW 23 yrs younger. Separated Sept 2016
Ruby100, I just read your story and my heart goes out to you.. I know exactly how you feel.. I am learning the hard way that detaching and 180 are the best thing to do..
my H and I have been married for over 30 years. in 2015 I found out he was cheating on me , he met ow in may and by july he was in love and had to be with her.. ( he's mid 50s and ow is mid 30s divorced with a small child ) by the end of 2015 he left me for her and moved in with her and has been living with her ever since.. he has not asked for a divorce and actually gets angry if I bring divorce up to him.. I have not seen him in 2 years.. he's been with ow for 3.5 years with no end in sight. i truly understand your pain ..
I have only recently started 180/last resort...i am simply at a point that i do not know what else to do.. i will keep you in my prayers..
Ure - thank you - your words have kept me strong all day even though I’ve been tempted to text him.
Why - I am sorry to hear that your situation is similar to mine. I’ve read your posts & feel your pain. I think we both know that detaching is necessary for our sanity but it’s not easy. When you’ve been married as long as we have, your whole life has revolved around that one person. It’s hard then to believe that you can stop being the most important person in their lives & that is one of the most painful parts of affairs. Combine that with the age difference of us & the OW, it really hits you hard. I feel like I have lost my best friend & 2 years on it still takes my breath away. I’ve read most of the books you have but also found David Kessler & Louise Hay’s book “You can heal your heart” really helpful. I’ve been using Tapping/EFT to manage the feelings of overwhelm & like you, I journal, a lot! I’ll checkout the other books you mentioned. The difference between us is that my H visits to see our dog & chat to me. I think he believes that our friendship can continue but I’m not so sure - I don’t want to hear about their lives, holidays, future plans - it would be rubbing salt into a wound. I don’t think he sees anything wrong in it. Whether they want you in their life or not, it’s not easy. I just wish you could fast track this stage. It seems that this is never ending at times. I’m thinking of you & hope, that with all the things that you are doing, that you find peace.
M 1986 ILYBINILWY Jan 2016 Found out about affair May 2016. H 57yrs. OW 23 yrs younger. Separated Sept 2016
Why does he want to "chat with you"? Have you considered this? I'd almost ask him why. I asked my WW last week, point blank "Why are you here?". Probably not the nicest thing to say, and may not be good DB principles, but I was seriously curious as to why she came home? Why not just stay with OM like you do? I don't get it.
Have you told him that you won't be friends with him? Probably ought to just throw it out there plain as day. Tell him it's wrong and there's not a chance in hell you would do that. Ok, say it nicer than that, but you get my point.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Yes I’ve asked him & it’s the shared history. I guess I’m the safety net, the link with the familiar past & I don’t think he wants to lose that. I have asked him how he thinks this friendship is going to work & he says he doesn’t know. Whilst the divorce is going through it makes sense to remain friends, afterwards who knows?
He text me yesterday apologising for not texting on his first day in his new job. I wasn’t expecting that! Stupidly flattered that he thought of me.
I read your recent post about your W coming round - that must have been hard for you. What boundaries have you set? Can you detach yourself enough so that you aren’t hurt?
M 1986 ILYBINILWY Jan 2016 Found out about affair May 2016. H 57yrs. OW 23 yrs younger. Separated Sept 2016
