Hey Sia - good to see your update. I told you that the separation is not a bad thing as it will give you space and time to de-stress and lower anxiety. You're strong and you got lots of good things going for you. Keep it up and it gets better.
Hi Survivors, LW - thank you for the support Nicole - Yes, it is a big beautiful daunting world out there and I am determined to find a piece of my paradise for me and the kids Maika, you are absolutely right, you have guided me since the very early days and I thank you. Blu, I am just talking the talk now, not all there to actually walk it. Your journey and your advice has helped me more than I can ever express gratitude for. I have read, re-read and re-read your threads a few more times. So much so that I am ready for a quiz, lol, the nerd in me just cant hide. I am in no-way healed but I see and feel that WH feels nothing for me anymore. He may have guilt about the kids but he is really on a different planet and that is not good enough for me or the kids. As you all know my sitch unfolded very differently from most others, I was in denial about any A for the longest time, WH absolutely denied it and laid the blame all on me for the breakdown of the MR. I ignored the glaring signs, I gave him benefit of doubt and felt idiotic for not having the basic intel. I still have no intel, but I have accepted there is an A, I sense it is also a PA so without any intel I have found my answers. He is of course introducing kids to OW on video calls(I also suspect OW is out of state), i have requested he not do it and he says I can only think such low things and denies any OW. I have made every mistake imaginable since BD, begged, cried, lashed out, tried convincing, got parents on both sides involved, let him walk all over me to an extent that he became the monster and i a victim, shucks, even I wouldnt want to be with that me. But it is a journey, I was completely blindsided by a man I loved more than anything in life and that too when we had just had a baby. I could go snooping around more, maybe I will gather intel but I do not want to anymore. OW is a woman who had EA with a man whose wife was pregnant with their second child and slept with him probably before even I could heal from my delivery symptoms, WH is a nut case right now, they deserve each other.
Blu you ask me how I do it, I honestly dont, I just live my life one day at a time now. I am negotiating the end of my MR with an infant by my side. I just think what would benefit my Ds the most and go by it, and I being happy and content will benefit not just me but them too. I still have my bad days but WH is not going to come back anytime soon.even if he does, we are doomed to fail. He doesnt have remorse and my wounds are deep. we both need space and time to heal and I see that now. I wish I didnt need 7 long months of misery post BD to realize this simple truth.
My baby is 10 months old, all I remember since her birth is the pain and hurt WH put me through, and to think I let him steal that precious time from me. Not anymore, I am going to enjoy every minute of their wonderful childhood and I want to encompass myself with the love they have for me.
I see some LBSs happy they have no children, I can only say thank god I have my Ds, my life is so beautiful with them in it.
I am so far from real happiness but at this time I know I have to get there myself, WH is not going to help me with it.
"I see some LBSs happy they have no children, I can only say thank god I have my Ds, my life is so beautiful with them in it."
This is only because it means a clean break from their WAS/WS. And I can understand that. One of the things that bothered me when it appeared I was headed for D, was having to deal with her for the rest of my life at D's events and activities. Most LBSs talk about it in regard to until the kids are 18. Sorry, that is not true. Weddings, births, grand-kids' events, etc. It is a life-long connection to have kids with someone.
However, those of that have kids wouldn't trade that for the world! Even with have to deal with an ex, being a parent is one of the best things this life has to offer.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Regarding children I can understand both sides of the coin. My WAW and I had no children and it definitely makes for a cleaner break. I have spoken in person with her only 5 times since BD in early April, and only once in the last 4 months. I think that detachment is easier without the regular communication and in-person interaction that a child necessitates. I read a lot of sitches with children and the process just seems to drag on a lot more (understandably.)
That said, I have always wanted children and feel that I have no outlet for the love I am eager to share. My W was ambivalent and leaning against children which (I thought) I was okay with at the time since I had her to share my love with. At this point I think part of my resentment is that she has removed not only herself but also a large window of opportunity for me to have a family. As a male, I can start a family later, but it is more difficult both physiologically, and also in finding a partner of the right age who wants that.
It is wonderful to have you back on the forum, and you sound much more in control of your emotions. You say that you are only talking the talk and not fully walking the walk, but your words display a calmness and equanimity. Living one day at a time is the way through this. Often times it is living one moment at a time. That is mindfulness. Enjoy those moments with your Ds, find the joy in simply being with them. You are on the right path.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Steve and Davide, I agree, it’s such a clean break when there are no kids involved, I would want to stay as far away from WH as possible, may be in a different country even. But I have 2 Ds below 4 so I have to see him regularly for 18 years at least. The other heart breaking thing for me in my sitch is how this will impact my DDs. I just meant all I can do is make the best possible life for them and channel all the love I have to them. Physical separation absolutely helps in detachment and for those that do not have kids they should go NC on their WAS Davide it’s good you don’t have kids from this MR, when you do have a family it will be wholesome but I understand when you say you would have showered them all the love that you are not able to give your W We can all just make the best of what we have been dealt and most times it is still good
Hey! I feel you on the OW. Unfortunately, so many people find out much later about the OM/OW because they stop snooping and the other person denies it. In my case, I know that W dated and had an EA at the very minimum just before and around BD timeline. I would be foolish not to assume that post-BD she has continued this behavior. I just don't have any hard evidence for it. But that becomes immaterial because the focus is all about you and what you need to do for yourself. I find a lot of strength in your writing now and I am glad to see that you're gaining your footing and momentum.
Also, I am super NC/Dark with W despite having kids. We use google calendar for the kids schedule and share pertinent information about school stuff. Outside of that, I don't initiate anything or ask anything even when I see her. I simply don't care at this point. She has absolutely ZERO to do with my life now and I have no interest in hers. I guess I would say that I haven't lovingly detached, more like detached with complete indifference.
Hi Sia, there's a lot to absorb when you find out there's an affair in addition to everything else. I guess there's one way of looking at it - it can't get much worse right?! Now you have generally a good sense of what happened to your marriage and what your husband is doing. Knowing the truth seems to have helped you in some ways despite how painful it is. Your daughters are lucky to have such a loving mom who cherishes them!
sia, more power to you! it still boggles my mind how some WS can leave their kids to pursue their own selfish objectives. i have a D14 and i can’t even imagine what you’re going through right now. fate knows it’s always the strongest parent that are always left with the care of the children. you are strong, be stronger!
My sitch might just have taken an uglier turn. We had mediation appointment this week where WH and mediator were expecting to finalize things. I had thought through a few more items and I had let them know in advance about wanting to discuss it personally. I went with my file, all cataloged, WH came swinging his arms without a care in the world. Initial part went as planned, I had some modifications to the document prepared and I also negotiated a few more financial items with H. He said I was being too calculative and small but $creW him I have 18 years before the baby goes to college. i know what I need to have my children's financial future secured. The mediator had very different numbers for child support compared to what my L had given so I made her recalculate it, she made errors right in front of me and I pointed them out and WH was fuming. Not wise MR wise but I cant have incorrect numbers on that. I have always handled all our finances and investments, WH finally saw the real me when it came to those negotiations yesterday. He blew a gasket when mediator gave him the CS numbers, he started saying he has already lost on custody time with kids and now is having to pay so much in CS too. I was a shark and maybe yes made sure I accounted for every dollar , he started hating me more if that could be possible I have not discussed it in detail but since BD, the consistent message WH has been giving is he wants D and he wants to move us post D to the other coast. His reasoning is he is depressed of this place and wants a new start. I was on the fence for the longest time, like the LBS in fog I thought it may help but I am quite sure now OW is in that state. It is not good for me or the kids in anyway, I already live in a state where cost of living is expensive, and where I am asked to move is probably one of the most expensive places. I will have to take a transfer with no pay hike to accommodate the higher living expenses. And more than any other logical reason, he has the audacity to expect this from me post D!! I finally calmly told him yesterday at the mediator's that I was not going to move, its not in my or the children's best interest. He blew up at this as his whole D plan is centered around this move, 1) I think OW is there 2) he wants to run away from every person we know and move to a state where there is no social circle either to judge him or to help me. The other set back was I brought up to mediator how I do not want either of our GF or BF when they exist to be exposed to kids. Mediator said I cannot control that and WH told her I was just paranoid and there is no OW involved.
We left the mediator with him trying to convince me and I firmly but calmly saying its my final decision. He started threatening to file the D thru court and said he is going to come for half custody and will have me kicked out of the marital home. I reminded him that is also our children's house and I own half of it and that I hope we can come to a mutual agreement. He left emanating all hate and I was surprisingly calm. I agreed to mediate a D I dont want if I was able to have an advantage, if he gives me just as much as the court will then might as well go there. Believe me, all the advantage is solely for the kids I am not getting a penny out of him for myself. Both of us are in high income jobs so I am more than capable of handling myself, but he owes it to the kids. Once he got back he apparently locked himself in a conference room for hours and finally texted the mediator cc'ing me asking her to put a hold on the proceedings until further notice which to me indicates he is going to talk to some Ls now. I am very clear on what I need from him to end the MR, financially and legally. I am not going to go extra nice on him in D process hoping he would come back. I cannot take that chance my Ds are way too young and I have a long path ahead of me.
But seems like I might have hit the last nail on the R coffin yesterday. So he has to now choose between leaving his kids and moving across the country or leaving OW and still stay D here and seeing kids every week. Every step he has taken in the past year has been a choice, we adults must be able to handle our own $hit and not be so selfish that we destroy our families. He may decide that he will stay here for the kids and have a long distance R with OW, well again plenty of choices to make I am out as an option in any one of those. I do not want to be a part of any of this drama, all I can do is respond back legally for any of the options he choose for D. But D seems to be inevitable, I couldnt save their family for my children. There is too much bitterness even in terms of the separation agreements.
