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#2813441 09/20/18 12:43 PM
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Hi everyone ,
I’ll try to keep this brief. My husband and I have been together 6 years married 3. (He is 38 I’m 31) We have a 2 year old and a 6 week old baby. When I was 31 weeks pregnant with this baby my husband dropped the bomb saying ILYBINILWY and he’s not happy. He said there is no intimate connection and it’s more like roommates now. He showed no emotion or remorse and no further explanation. I was completely blind sided as I thought we had an amazing marriage. Three months prior he got a tattoo of our anniversary date. We suffered two miscarriages before intentionally getting pregnant with baby number 2 less than a year before! Hard to imagine he felt this way for a while. I was totally happy with our life. He is a police officer and suffers from some PTSD related to job related trauma. When he sprung this on me I immediately thought ptsd/ depression / midlife crisis. I thought he may just be unhappy with life in general with the stress of a new baby and working many hours/intense job and not just unhappy with me. He swears no other woman and I have no proof. He moved into his best friends basement and texted me three days later “I miss my family we need to go to counseling”. This was in June and since then he hasn’t said anything positive about our relationship. He is placing all the blame on me saying he can’t do anything right in my eyes , I nag him, I don’t let him see his family , I have a bad attitude ect. He is not taking any accountability for marriage issues and finding any little thing to justify leaving. Since June he has got a new apartment (no lease and rent free because they want a police officer living in the building because it’s in a bad area). It is already furnished and decorated which kills me . He is showing no remorse and no sadness. He is the love of my life and I would do anything to have my family back together. It’s like he is an alien that abducted my husband. Obviously my pleading and begging is only pushing him further away but I don’t know what else to do. Every time I try to have a relationship convo he literally runs away or just ignores me. He won’t look me in the eye and have a conversation. I’ve been asking him daily since June to goto marriage therapy and work on us and he is refusing. I told him I can’t live in this limbo anymore and he needs to let me know if he is filing for divorce. His response was “I don’t know eventually”. Come to find out he filed in July didn’t have the courage to tell me to my face and had me served Aug 30 when our baby was 3 weeks old. I am shattered and physically ill over this. I’m seeing a therapist which helps but I can’t accept the divorce. We were viewed as a “perfect” couple and I only envisioned forever with him. I would never expect this is my worst nightmare. I just want my husband back home and to dismiss the divorce. Please ANY advice would be helpful. Our babies deserve us both to fight for our marriage. We went to mediation for temporary orders for custody and child support and nothing is happening as far as divorce until February. I would do anything to have him back but he just keeps saying he has a wall up and he’s not letting it down. I’m trying to go out with friends , work out , and stay positive but it’s so hard when I feel like I’m losing the thing that means the most to me in life my best friend and partner. He was divorced once before when he was in his 20s and always told me he was just too young. I spoke to his ex wife and she said he basically wrote her a letter and left out of the blue. Scary he seems to have a history of this and no positive role models for marriage because his parents were teens who never married and father is distant alcoholic. I’m scared he is not coming back and need help. I just feel like he’s giving up way too easily esp with kids involved and the problems he listed I don’t see as deal breakers. I’m not innocent here but working on all the issues he’s brought to my attention. We are almost 4 months apart now and it seems like forever. His birthday is next week and the holidays are coming and I just can’t cope. Trying to focus on being the best mom possible and stay busy but I want my husband home with us and it seems impossible when I’m the only one fighting. I think if we went on dates reconnected and went to therapy we could have that spark back again.

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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


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Since June he has got a new apartment (no lease and rent free because they want a police officer living in the building because it’s in a bad area). It is already furnished and decorated which kills me .


This doesn't sound right to me. Have you been to this apartment or is this just what he told you. I've never heard of anyone offering a cop free rent just so they are there. What about other utilities and expenses.

Sorry but this sounds like he has moved in with OW and fed you this story to cover it.

Gets your anniversary tattoo'd, then drops bomb 3 weeks later. Sounds like he met someone.

Sorry to be blunt, but we get a lot of new posters here that are sure there is no A, but then a few weeks later found out there is. Most of the time the evidence is right in front of the LBS' but they go into denial about it.


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The apartment is real. There is another officer who also lives in the building for free. I have seen photos and he FaceTimes when he has our children there. I’m not in denial about an affair but haven’t had any proof. He seems depressed and I have proof he’s been working 80 hours a week. All he does is work and does overtime or has the kids in his free time. I’ve thought he could have had a one night stand or something when I was pregnant and couldn’t deal with the guilt maybe??

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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


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Okay I googled it and free rent for police officers is a thing. Wow, who knew. i'll have to remember this the next time the local police start complaining about pay and want us to vote in a property tax increase! smile

Seriously, I guess a major mental breakdown could explain his weird behavior, but it seems like the police psychologist would pull him off the street if that were the case.


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Did he have an A when he walked out on 1st W?

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Hi Mama,

here's my thoughts:

1. Quit pressuring him to take accountability for his part of this marriage failure.
2. Validate his feelings when he say things about the marriage - his feelings are his feelings.
3. Stop begging and pleading - it's unattractive. Be the strong, smart, fun woman he fell in love. Fake it if you must.
4. GAL - get a life. It will helps with points 1 and 3 as well.
5. Stop the R talk. This is pressure and it isn't working for you. Do what works. And don't do what doesn't work.
6. Quit trying to break down his wall - you can't. Instead you need to be so happy with life that he is wanting to come out of his castle. Picnic analogy: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1833684
7. Read the links Cadet posted.
8. Quit thinking about "reconnecting through therapy and getting the spark back" or anything else that you can't control. It takes two to make a relationship work, and it won't work until he is ready.
9. Brace for the OW (other woman).


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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No. She didn’t mention that. Most friends / family on both sides don’t see him as the affair type.

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Mama - sorry that you find yourself here but rest assured you are in good company.

So take a second and look at your behavior since BD... not working to fix things right? So stop. I know easier said than done but you are only pushing him further away.

You absolutely need to stop what isn't working and learn what does work.

Certainly start with doing the homework Cadet assigned. Pick up a copy of DB. Do all kinds of reading - there are lots of good books to help spouses understand the I love you, but..... Do your reading!!!

Work on yourself. As you pointed out you are not innocent in this. The reading and doing homework will help you learn about you. Remember you can only "fix" yourself. The whole adage you can drag a horse to water but you cannot make him drink is at play here.

Learn to validate - "you didn't let him see his family?" Even if there is little truth to that try to understand his viewpoint and validate the way he is feeling. Common mistake is for the other spouse to feel blamed and respond with ways not is not true. That's not helping. The real issue here is that he is not feeling heard or appreciated.

Is your H having an A? Who knows right now. Sure lots of people here find out that is the case but its not everyone's case. My H was NOT having an A but still had one foot out the door. I was able to turn my M around as other people have as well. Don't give up hope but definitely stop what you are doing.

One last piece of advice - stop involving other people. Find one or two close friends to confide in but don't go looking up ex-wives/old loves/current co-workers/his family. That's going to create some big backlash... don't go there.

Use this board - vent on your bad days, celebrate your good days, think you are going to do something silly and text him... come here first. I had a great support system here and was one of the lucky ones who got things back on track in a matter of weeks but some people here struggle for months to years. The one think you will hear over and over again is that the only person you can change or control is yourself... that's where your focus should be.

Hugs!!!

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I’m still thinking a break down. He sees counseler at the VA but unfortunetly I don’t think he’s getting the help he needs

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Thank you for your encouragement!!

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Uhh the thought of him with someone else makes me sick and like there is no coming back from that.

KitCat #2813609 09/21/18 02:59 AM
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He seems to have such a wall up and has said “he’s done” yet just recently he calls out of the blue to come mow the lawn and just today our son had a dr appt at 9 am and instead of just meeting at the dr he said he would come to the
House before the appt and “help get the kids ready” smirk confused

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So Mama know this.... He doesn't know what he wants (and that's a good thing)

NOW, you must also know that begging, pushing and R talks will push him to really being done. So don't do that.

Make sure print out Sandi's rules and read them regularly. Read the links on validation... practice in the mirror validating.

Your H wants to be heard and to be validated...

Remember what you have done with interactions in the past that haven't worked and don't keep repeating them... PERIOD.

Learn about 180's and GAL.

You want him coming over and helping to be a positive thing... no negatives... positive interaction only!!!

Take a deep breath... listen.

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Hi Mamab25, I'm so sorry to hear of your situation. I can relate well. You could try checking for further evidence to see if your husband is with another woman. If so then everything will make more sense. Otherwise hopefully the DB book will help provide a roadmap for what you can start doing to create the best circumstances for you and your husband to reunite in the future.

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He’s coming tomorrow night to watch kids while I goto a concert with my cousin (he doesn’t know where I’m going yet). Nervous to see him .... I guess I’m getting really discouraged thinking how would he not know what he wants if he told me I love you but I’m not in love with you. How would he all of a sudden fall in love again? smirk

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Originally Posted by MamaB25
He’s coming tomorrow night to watch kids while I goto a concert with my cousin (he doesn’t know where I’m going yet). Nervous to see him .... I guess I’m getting really discouraged thinking how would he not know what he wants if he told me I love you but I’m not in love with you. How would he all of a sudden fall in love again? smirk


"while I goto a concert with my cousin (he doesn’t know where I’m going yet"

Drop the yet.

If he asks Politely tell him its none of his business. If he pushes you can finally say: "Look, that is the kind of information a husband would want to know. You've made it clear that you no longer want that role."


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Originally Posted by MamaB25
He’s coming tomorrow night to watch kids while I goto a concert with my cousin (he doesn’t know where I’m going yet). Nervous to see him .... I guess I’m getting really discouraged thinking how would he not know what he wants if he told me I love you but I’m not in love with you. How would he all of a sudden fall in love again? smirk


I encourage you to do your reading.... there are lots of great books out there to help you understand that phenomenon.

The more you understand human interaction... the more empowered you will become in your situation.

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How should I act when I see him? I’m going to be all dressed up and I know after I have a couple drinks it’s going to be hard to not make out with him! But obviously he hasn’t shown any signs of wanting that. Just positive interaction and keep it brief??

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Treat him like you would a cashier at the store. You don't ignore them, you are positive but brief and to the point. You wouldn't share personal information with a cashier, or ask them personal questions. You certainly wouldn't make out with them.

If the alcohol is a problem, or if you don't think you can be consistent with your DBing with him after a few drinks, I would suggest not drinking. It can be hard enough to deal with emotions, and alcohol can make it that much harder. You want to be cool, calm, and collected when dealing with him, not out-of-control.


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
Davide #2813938 09/23/18 05:08 PM
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So I made a mistake and when I got home from night out lastnight I hugged him. He hugged back but then I looked up to kiss him and he just smiled / laughed and kind of pushed away. He said “I will talk to you tomorrow” and left even though I know I probably won’t hear from him. So awkward my husband has become a stranger I make small talk with.

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Treat him like a stranger, just as Davide said.

Your H loves that you tried to kiss him, he has you right where he wants you as plan B. Are you going to change that?


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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You are right! It’s just so hard I figure if I stop trying and out of mind he will forget about me. The book is coming in mail this week can’t wait to read it. It’s so hard doing NC with two kids involved I am forced to see/talk to him and FaceTime.

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Hang in there. It will get easier. Why do you need to facetime him? Can't you limit communication just to logistics and business regarding the kids or financial stuff? How much of the communication you are doing having with him is strictly necessary and not just a chance to talk with/see him?


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
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We went to mediation for temporary orders with me being pregnant when he left and all and part of our agreement is to answer FaceTime when other one calls to see the kids. My problem is I’m too nice to him. It’s just my character I always try to put myself in the other persons shoes. My mother all my girlfriends telling me I’m too nice to him. And some of the communication is making small talk about work / mutual friends I suppose not necessary.

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You can't nice him back, and you are prolonging your pain by continuing to act nice to him.

If you need to Facetime, do it, but limit your conversations.


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
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MamaB, I was drawn to your thread because you see yourself as a mama first. You have 2 wonderful children that deserve the best in life. I am sorry you are here and are going through this, I was in your shoes too. Dealing with BD postpartum just makes it beyond painful according to me. If you think about it doesnt it also make our WHs extra cruel? We still pine for these runaways who seem to be in a parallel universe. Ask yourself if your kids deserve this, if they need a father who is failing them to give a happy family. At this point, he is beneath your love. Make him work for it not the other way round. Until then you have those beautiful children to give all the love to. You can do this, one hour at a time and then one day at a time. Show your WH what he is losing.

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Thank you Sia. Nice to hear I’m not alone. Going through this pregnant definitely made the whole situation worse. As far as I knew we had a very happy marriage. I agree with you if any man did to to my daughter I would tell her to run. He is the love of my life and I just can’t let go. We haven’t even done marriage counseling and have two babies! Divorce just feels so wrong and unnecessary. I don’t want him to regret it when it’s too late. It’s been 4 months since he’s left and feels like an eternity. The more time that goes on the more hopeless it seems. I just want him to wake up from this “fog” and come home to me and his babies. He is missing out on so much. My children will always come first though and being mama keeps me super busy which is a plus. His bday is this weekend don’t know how to approach that smirk going to be tough

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BluWave did your husband ever fill you in on what brought him home?? What about what he was feeling when he was gone? Did you notice any behavior changes right before R?? Thanks!!


Hi MamaB,

I thought I would answer you over here on your thread. I have several threads where I discuss most of this, if you feel like reading them. Yes, we have talked about it all. He has been back 3.5 years now, so we don't talk about it much anymore.

What brought him home was a combination of things that happened over time. He was gone for about 9-10 months having an R with OW. That was after they had a secret EA for about 8 months, while he was living at home. What brought him home was a combination of him having the freedom to leave the home and M and go into the "real world" and having an actual R with OW, and seeing that I was starting to move on without him and would no longer be his plan B. You see, the lure of an A is much stronger when it feels unattainable. Once we split and he was free to date her, he very soon realized she was not what he wanted. They had all the drama, she was needy and insecure, and he never felt right about them. On some level, even in his fog, he knew it wasn't a real or authentic love. They were essentially running from their lives. He also saw that I was starting to move on. I stopped lashing out, or being needy, and started to DB and just let go. I removed the pressure. And when he saw me: GAL and moving on, he grew increasingly anxious and terrified. He also started to feel safer to approach me when he knew I wouldn't rip his head off.

When he was gone he felt tremendous guilt. I don't know if all waywards experience that, but my H was raised by a strict Catholic mother that guilted him in his childhood, and so he somehow created a nightmare for himself by doing what he did. His connection to OW also deepened because he felt like she was his only friend and he had burned all his bridges. She was readily available and also quite needy so he was attached to her. Simultaneously, he did not trust her (duh, she had an A and left her family) and the R lacked genuine intimacy. He describes it as always feeling wrong. He also was afraid of me, my anger, and that I would never forgive him. He says he thought he ruined any chance with me. I'll admit, I was very angry and distressed and he hid from me for several months. During the time he was gone and with OW, I tried to mindread and assumed the worst. In actuality though, he was under a lot of stress, losing weight, not sleeping well, gotten sick and was extremely depressed. He felt like he had ruined his life.

People want to know what the signs are of R or if they are getting close to R. My thoughts on that are, if it is happening, you will know and you won't have to ask. My H very quickly did a 180 when he thought he had fully lost me. I could just feel his energy change; he would try and talk to me, hang on to conversations, he was remorseful, and I could tell he wanted me to know he was ending the A. Then he ended it very quickly and starting changing. It was a snowball effect. He was ready to do anything and everything to get me back. It was almost surreal after the tauma of the breakup and their A.

Not sure if that helps. Another thing I tell people, is that we can do everything right and they still may never return. I did everything wrong and my H came back and has stayed back.It has been me in the last couple years that has thought about ending it. My H didn't come back until I got better at DB. I suspect he would have anyways though, I just prolonged the process. He was miserable and wanted his M and life back. Either way, these sitches take a long time to unfold. Sometimes years. You just have to let them go and focus on you and your kids. That is really all you can do. Find your worth and confidence. Don't stop fighting for you.

You can't truly say yet if you want your M back, because he hasn't shown you a man yet that is worthy of forgiveness. First, find the strong and confident you. That is what this is about IMO. Then, down the road, if he does come back, let that better version of you decide.

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Thank you Blu! Love your insight. I am having horrible anxiety because now they I have begun DBing there has been NO relationship talks in the past couple of weeks. I used to email novels excessively and I’ve stopped that. I’m just discouraged that no relationship talks means done forever.

There has been no affair discovered yet but it would be the only thing that explains any of this behavior. He is a police officer like I mentioned before and has been drowning himself in work. Working day shift 8-4 pm and then details sometimes all night or overnight. (I have proof he FaceTimes the kids from them)

His bday is Saturday and I want so bad to ask him to come over for cake with the kids but I know that’s probably wrong. It’s going to kill me the thought of him having fun without me. When I asked him last if he was happy he sed he was happy not being around the “negativity” anymore but missed the kids terribly. I just want my family back. I want him so badly. I literally get a tightness in my chest about how much I miss him.

It seems like when I back off and don’t pressure he does ask a little more personal questions to me and seems more upbeat. As far as a divorce there will be no trial / discussions of that until February but I feel like every day that goes by he is drifting further and further away. He has been iffy re MC before. I know we would benefit hugely from it but I don’t know if I should bring that up again? frown uhh this is so hard. Off to Yoga that should calm me down

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Would you suggest coming strait out and asking about an affair or one night stand ?? He knows cheating is a deal breaker for me so maybe he is terrified there is no going back if he admits it. I don’t know what else would explain his behavior other than PTSD-depression- MLC.

Back in February he was first on scene to two young children murdered. He immediately texted me that he loved me and our daughter so much. He went on medication shortly after and I feel like this all happened a couple months after that trauma. None of it makes any sense and I have no closure frown I want him to feel like he can talk to me.

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The general advice here is to not ask about As or bring it up to them when you find out. But what we learn reading here over the years is that in most cases there is some type of A or even an imaginary A. The reason you don't ask and keep that to yourself is because chances are 1. they are going to lie about it anyways, 2. they will get better at hiding it so you may not even be able to find out about it, 3. the drama and fall out of it being exposed could potentially bring them together. 4. knowing hurts like H3LL! 5. it becomes a game changer in the way you two now interact.

Look, none of us think our S was capable of an A. 4-5 years later, it still shocks me that my H could do that! It still surprises him about himself too. The reason we love and marry our partner is because of the intimate connection and because we trust them. I also think we all believe it's the deal breaker. I always believed that and said that to my H too. And then it happened, and my world was turned upside down, and I started to see people and relationships differently. I can tell you today, even though my H has been back for 3.5 years, I don't know if I will ever truly forgive him. I also don't know if I need to truly forgive him (whatever that means) for us to stilll have a good M that lasts. People over time change and so does our perspective.

So I want you to really think hard about what the term "deal breaker" means for you. Does in mean in the case of any A (PA, EA) that you immediately file for D yourself and never look back? Are you prepared for that? What do you think would change by knowing? Do you think knowing will help your sitch or hurt it? Do you think he would tell you the truth? How would the dynamic between you shift if he thinks you suspect that? Loaded questions I know. There are soooo many layers to this. My initial thought is you will not find the truth by asking him, but you will increase the tension and drama between you. If you do decide you want to know the truth, there are other ways to gather intel. Again, what will knowing change for you?

I also think you should read kechs threads. There are a lot of them but try and scroll back and read them. She has lots of posters and advice in there.

There could be many reasons for why he is doing what he is doing -- thinks he is in love with OW, has wanted out for years and never told you, depression, MLC, childhood issues, etc -- but you cannot know why and be sure of it. Mind reading doesn't work. This is his journey and you cannot control it or change it. And whatever the reasons are, your course of action is yours. Put you first now and focus on that and being a mom. Let him go.

Blu


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What Blu said really is great. There's no reason to push. If you get intel then great, but it really won't do you much good to confront it without having some action to back it up.


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Just mowed the lawn and weed wacked myself! Sick of waiting around for him and his broken promises. Hope he feels like a loser when he sees. Super Mom!!!

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Good for you, he already feels like a loser with guilt. Unless he is a sociopath he cannot possibly think he in the right about all this, hence the guilt and crazy resentment towards you. Since WH has moved out I have absolutely stopped asking him for help with anything. I am learning to do things on my own, asking for help or paying contractors to do the job. I used to think that if I am too independently he may not feel guilty enough to come back. Again why would I want him that way? So irrespective of what he thinks I do what I feel is the right thing for me. If it pushes him farther so be it, we are already deep in discussion with a mediator so how much worse can it get right?
Do what makes you happy, what is best for the kids

Blu is a DB guru to a lot of us here, follow every word she says and read her threads. I respect her not because her WH came back but because she walked through hell again with him with the piecing process and had a journey that shows how human and vulnerable all of us are.

It may seem harsh but what helps me is telling myself WH is dead. The man I married would never ever do this so this is someone else. If I think I may need him for something I ask myself what would I do if he was actually dead, morbid but I lead my life like he doesn’t exist anymore except for the children part

You are showing amazing strength already, you will be fine and find happiness, plow through this phase with all you have

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Quote
he knows cheating is a deal breaker for me


Is it? Lots of LBSs have said this, but then when there was an affair they still held on to the WAS for dear life. So is cheating really a dealbreaker for you? One of the worst things you can do is say it is, then go back on that. Setting boundaries without consequences will train your H that he can do pretty much anything he wants.

So say you confront, he confesses. What do you do next?


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I don’t think I’m going to confront him again about it because he will most likely say no again and if he said yes you all are right I would just get more upset. I haven’t told him recently cheating is a deal breaker but he knows I’m general I have always spoke to him about I don’t know how people cheat and that’s a ground for divorce in my book. Maybe he had a one night stand and tried to get out of the marriage because he couldn’t handle the guilt / or me finding out and initiating leaving him?? Who knows. It’s all still a huge mystery and I feel like I have NO answers or closure.

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Sia,
That is a good way of looking at it. Pretending he is dead. Heck it feels like a death why not treat it that way. My husband has to feel guilty. How could any man leave a pregnant wife out of the blue alone and not feel shame / guilt? He was a zombie for about a month after too. Could barely stay awake ...lost weight ... wouldn’t look me in the eye. Just totally not himself. He seems more “normal” lately but I don’t know if that’s a bad thing. I just can’t wait for the day it hits him like a ton of bricks that he gave up on his family the most important thing in his life. I believe whether it’s MLC / affair / depression he is still deep in this “fog” and fantasy land and not thinking long term conquesences or about our families future.

I feel a bit stronger than the past couple of weeks. I try to remind myself of all the bad he has done and pain he has caused and it makes me feel confident / almost like letting him go is the “right” thing to do.

I did ignore a FaceTime call last night and that was a first for me. His bday is Saturday and I want to ask him to come over for cake w the kids but on the other hand why set myself up for disappointment if he says no ?? I just don’t know I feel like I need a miracle to get my loving husband I knew back.

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Also, another thing I’m having trouble with is what other people are thinking. I know that’s the last thing that mattered but we were viewed as being a “perfect” couple. Always on each others social media’s doing fun things posting a lot of pictures together. My husband deactivated his FB and I only post things about the kids. People are talking though and obviously notice I haven’t posted anything about him in months.

He claims he’s not telling anyone other than his mom/best friend what’s going on but clearly people are going to talk when he has a new apartment and removed his wedding ring. It’s just hard for me to accept. I feel like once it goes “public” it would be even harder to reconcile. I feel like he’s not telling a lot of people because he is the one who left a pregnant wife. Not much to brag about there! I have told the people closest to me but extended family doesn’t even know anything is going on and I’m not ready to tell them. I just get scared my husband is going to come back on social media with a new account or go out in public on a date when he doesn’t even have the decency to sit down and really discuss our marriage with me!! Uhhh confused/ overwhelmed.

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Don't share a lot of details with others. If people ask then just tell them the two of you are going through some difficulties but are working on it. Don't say anything more than that. Some nosy people will of course press for more, just tell them you don't want to talk about it beyond that. Some people mean well and others are just gossips but regardless, anything you tell people WILL get back to your H so it's best not to say anything so he doesn't think you're "rallying the troops" against him. I had a coworker who left his W, she had their minister call him, she called the office and talked to his boss and asked him to intervene, she talked to his family, etc. etc. It all just completely outraged him and made him more resolute than ever that she was crazy and he needed her gone ASAP. THAT is what rallying the troops (whether intentional or not) does to a WAS, it just drives them farther away.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

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Yes. Thank you for that. Unfortunetly I made that mistake in the very beginning. Got back to him and he wasn’t happy!

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Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Don't share a lot of details with others. If people ask then just tell them the two of you are going through some difficulties but are working on it. Don't say anything more than that. Some nosy people will of course press for more, just tell them you don't want to talk about it beyond that. Some people mean well and others are just gossips but regardless, anything you tell people WILL get back to your H so it's best not to say anything so he doesn't think you're "rallying the troops" against him. I had a coworker who left his W, she had their minister call him, she called the office and talked to his boss and asked him to intervene, she talked to his family, etc. etc. It all just completely outraged him and made him more resolute than ever that she was crazy and he needed her gone ASAP. THAT is what rallying the troops (whether intentional or not) does to a WAS, it just drives them farther away.


^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^THIS

Every person you confide in is one more hurdle he will need to get over to come back to the MR. You want to try to clear that path for him if and when he decides that is what he wants.


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OK update. Probably getting my hopes up BUT -

I texted him about his birthday asking if he had plans. He said Yes he’s going to dinner with his mother and her fiancé. I said “Oh fun I was going to see if you wanted to come for dinner and (our daughter) was going to make you a cake” He responded We don’t have plans Sunday. (He has the kids Sunday and Monday ) I asked if he wanted to do it then and he sed Yes. Kind of shocked. He has had a huge wall up and usually makes excuses. This will be the first time he’s spent time at the house in a long time. Any advice for me ?? Obviously no relationship talk just try to stay positive - upbeat ?

Also , about 30 min later he randomly texted me telling me I should watch this new tv show he thinks I would like it. Very random for him to be texting me anything besides the kids. Maybe DB is working a little. Only time will tell. Feels a little good to know he actually thought about me for once. Perhaps his bday is making him sentimental.

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Any advice on the update about him coming for dinner / cake and the random text ? Thanks

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Why did you invite him over for dinner? That's a great idea to have D make him a cake, maybe even help her pick out a present for him. But you shouldn't invite him over for dinner, that smacks of pursuit and desperation. It also lets him know you are firmly on the hook as Plan B which is not where you want to be! But if the plans are already made then yes, no R talks. Dress nice, show him what he is missing. Be positive and upbeat and talk about nothing you wouldn't talk to a casual neighbor about.

As for the random text, on stuff like that the rule is sometimes reply right away, sometimes an hour or two later, and sometimes not at all. The idea is you are too busy to reply to all his petty texts.


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Having a rough morning. It’s his Birthday today. All birthday memories from the past came up on my social media memories. I always would make him an amazing dinner nice cake and big gifts. I was so good to him smirk.

He is working today and then going to dinner with his parents. I’m going to wait until later for the kids to call him and wish him happy bday. Make him stew a little bit. Wonder if he misses us today and realizes how much I used to do for him.

It’s hitting me hard that’s it’s been 4 months since BD and each day that goes by it seems like he’s never coming back. I feel like more and more people are finding out he left and the damage is getting out of control. He is still coming for dinner and cake tomorrow should be interesting. I’ll make sure to look very good !

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SM of your enemy. Suspend your social media accounts for the time being. So many left behind spouses get tripped up my the X year ago today thing. It's hard enough to DB without SM constantly reminding you of the past.


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Mama,

you're too attached. Sorry to say it. Start your new life. Make it a great one. You can't plan your life around someone who doesn't want you.


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Sia, thank you for the complement, but I don't think of myself of a DB Guru! I think of myself as someone that really blew it for a long time! I struggled every day to follow the rules, I didn't post and seek out support here, and by doing that I see how I delayed my own progress. My H was off with OW for 10 months, so it was a long road. So now years later, and us having talked about the past, I can reflect on it with a much clearer perspective. I do believe in the DB philosophy. I see it as the only way. We have one choice and that is to let go of someone that doesn't want us. And we have one thing that we can control, and that is ourselves -- how we heal, how we improve, and how move on to face our new realities. We can hope that they will come back, but we cannot make them. And as we become a better version of ourselves, we increase the liklihood that they will want to come back.

I agree with Steve. Social Media can be a constant painful reminder of the past. It is too raw and painful right now. It can also be too tempting to spy and figure out what he is doing. That can also be a set back. I would recommend you protect yourself during this vulnerable time, and minimize your time with it. Try and find outlets that create healing and positive thinking. Social media also created additional anxiety for me during our sitch, because people noticed more and more my family dynamic changing and my extreme weight loss. I couldn't hide it, so people would ask me about it, online and in person.

I also agree with AS regarding birthdays, celebration and family time. In fact, I just posted to kech about this last week, so I will paste that here if want to read it.



Quote
Sorry to switch back a gear, I am late, but I wanted to add something. Regarding finding positives, negatives, or lack of negatives, in WH increasing his communication. Quite simply, you cannot. That is another type of mind reading or making assumptions. He may reach out more, text more, or even come by more. As you pull back, he might even increase this behavior and become more accommodating, become kind to you, perhaps charming at times, or even start wanting to spend family time together. It may feel positive and as if you are moving towards R. However, it may not mean that at all. This sort of false hope can lead to your additional hurt and could set you back. I don't want you to do that. Just take his actions simply for what they are at face value.

Let me give you an example of this happening in my sitch and how wrong I was in trying to find the positive. Several months after my H left for OW, he had a birthday. I decided that we could all go out to dinner with the kids. I thought it would be good for the kids and didn't see it as cake eating. I also wasn't good at DBing back then! So we decided to all go to a place that we would often go together as a family. We all got ready, he came over, we had fun at the restaurant, the kids had gifts and cake for him at home after. That evening, things felt surprisingly normal, and actually wonderful, which was a huge welcomed relief from my constant anxiety and depression.

He had softened towards me. At one point during dinner, we looked at each other for a long while, and I could feel his stare. We both smiled and we had a moment. I felt it. And the kids were all around us and seemed so happy. It had been so long that we felt like a normal family. .... Well, do you want to know what I found out later? He had lied about being at work that day. He had actually taken the day off and had been spending it with OW. He didn't feel what I felt, he was just there for a birthday evening ...

Looking back at it now, I know he was gone, totally gone. He just enjoyed a birthday and some family time. And a fat slice of CAKE that I served him. That's all it really was. For one day, he got to feel less like a liar and a cheater and more like a good family man and father. He did not feel any closer to me whatsoever. I saw what I had wanted to see. And I hurt myself by allowing that.

Please don't try to find meaning in what he does. You might be wrong. You might also hurt yourself further in the process. When he is truly starting to come back, you will know without question, because he will be changing: he will be remorseful, honest, vulnerable, and he will be thinking of you and your needs, not just his own.

There were also times my H was jealous, or reached out more, wanted family time, to talk, etc, and times you could easily see it as a positive. Those things did not translate to him wanting to R with me. He had to go down his own path and fall flat on his face before realizing what he had lost.


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Thank you everyone. I waited all day for the kids to FaceTime and finally called at 415 pm. He should have just been leaving work but I noticed he was outside at some sort of festival. I caved and sed “aren’t you working?” And he responded that he took the day off and I sed nothing. Without me asking he immediately said he was with his cousin and her husband. I had my daughter wish him a happy birthday and told her right away ok say bye to daddy.

Now I’m in a funk thinking he is out without me / us on his bday having a great time while I’m home cleaning and bathing the kids. My mind wonders if he’s with a date or if he’s enjoying being the third wheel with his cousin. Uhh [censored]

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Yup... it all eats at you.

So, what are you going to do? You are going to get busy. You are going to focus on yourself. You are going to pour your energy into doing some helpful reading, going for a walk, doing an art and craft project with your D, start keeping a gratitude journal.

You are going to move in the other direction AND rather than you wondering what he is doing he might start to think what are YOU doing.

Remember, there is nothing you can do to MAKE him come home but you can easily MAKE him not want to.

Look, we all cave to do things we shouldn't. This is a process. Pick yourself up and move forward and try to take yourself out of pursuit mode.

HUGS!

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How did you "notice" he was at some festival? Snooping? Sounds like anti-detaching. That's part of why you caved and pursued, asking him what he is doing. Yes he is out without you. You should be doing that too.


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I noticed he was out because of FaceTime. I shouldn’t have asked about work but I had a moment of weakness.

Soo this morning he picks up the kids for his visit and brings me a coffee and my fav donuts and the mortgage check without asking. It’s so frustrating. Mixed messages. Hard to tell if he is finally coming around.

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Oh my dear it’s hard to see our own sitches I know. If I understand it correctly he’s guilty and he wants to make himself feel better so he brings you the donuts. It’s just crumbs served to you for his self interest. Have the coffee and donuts and don’t read too much into it. I hope for your children’s sake he is coming around but sorry it really doesn’t seem like it

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When do we know? When they start R talk??

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Have you read any of kech's threads? I brought this up before. She is asking the SAME questions and has lots of great answers and posters. Go read her threads! I think it would be awesome if you both could reply to one another also. When you read and give advice to someone in a similar sitch, it forces you to look at your own sitch and actions. Teaching can benefit a teacher more than a learner, and DBing is no different.

In a nutshell, no, I do not see any signs of him wanting to R. As sia said, these are just bread crumbs. He is most likely securing you as a back up plan if his other plans don't work out. Or he may be acting kind to absolve some guilt. You cannot read into their actions or mindread. It doesn't work. When they want to come back, you will sense it and know in your gut. There will be a shift in behavior, remorse, vulnerability, honesty, and a commitment to change. They will start putting your needs first. It also will be consistent actions over time. Random acts of kindness or coldness are essentially meaningless in terms of their intentions, because they are not focused on you anymore, they are thinking of themselves. And the more they know you are sitting and waiting, the less likely they are to want to come back. Its twisted.

This can take a long time so patience is key. I know how hard it is. I'm sorry, it's the worst pain. But you are grasping at straws. If you read other sitches, you will see patterns of what this looks like. Waywards demonstrated similar behaviors. It can take several months or even years for them to turn around. Many never do. Often you have to let them go and they need to go off on their own journey. In the mean time, you can focus on healing and make yourself the better option.

Blu

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You can start here, and keep reading, there are many threads. You will find that she is asking all the same questions and has the same concerns; it's a lot, but well worth your time!!!

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2808674#Post2808674


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Thank you BluWave. I did read her posts and I feel her situation is very similar due to our age / young children.

I’m having a really hard time. I’m doing the best I can DBing. Studying to take my RN boards , yoga , hiking , looking great ect.

I’m getting discouraged for the fact my husband actually filed for D. He filed and held on a month to the papers to serve me. Are there any success stories where a divorce was actually dismissed ?? Also , the less R talks I just feel him drifting further away. I feel like I’m at a breaking point I just want to scream and be honest and say look is D what you really want ?? He was over for dinner lastnight and things are so happy / normal when we are together it just doesn’t seem real / right.

Last thing , I’m almost done with reading divorce remedy. I know it’s a big no no here but I feel like the book would be beneficial for him to read ? Atleast the first half. It has a lot of great advice about marriage / divorce in general. Almost like therapy without going to therapy. I highlighted stuff that could open his eyes a little no matter what happens with us. Still a no no?

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Yes, there are success stories where the divorce was withdrawn. Gordie is my favorite.

Screaming is probably not a good way to get your point across. If you're at a breaking point, you need to deal with your emotions and decide what you want to do. Him having a normal dinner is great...for him. He gets to enjoy the life he wants with you without the commitment.

The book might be beneficial for him to read, but do not show it to him. Cadet posts that on the first page. It's for you, not him. If he cared, he'd have found the book, same as you. I highlighted stuff too back in April, thinking if my WW just reads this, she'll change her mind. Yea, no. Not happening. That's pressure, that's pursuit.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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I know it hurts... and the unknown future is scary for sure.

Keep in mind the only person you can control is yourself. Keep your dignity and moving forward. I get how if feels like you are wearing shoes of cement right now.

Lots of success stories.... but remember individual results may vary... ;-)

All hope is NOT lost because a spouse files for D. Remember your spouse is most likely hurting too. I think that is the most difficult thing for people on this board to accept. A spouse that leaves or walks out is often doing so out of desperation that they are feeling stifled or unheard.

DB is a great book for sure - helped me far better than a marriage counselor who in 10min told me there was no point to continue to waste her time it was over (yeah... even my H said what a piece of work as she couldn't know either one of us or our issues in 10min... he shared that with me after we recon our M.)

I can't stress enough though that there are other amazing books out there. One that will open your eyes to the I love you but phenomenon to help you see both sides. You need to look at your R through your H's eyes. Right now you are still in panic mode to do anything to save your M but you really need to look at yourself... learn about yourself... what makes you tick... what are your strong points... what areas need work... what you find joy in each day. You need to take the focus off your H and focus on yourself.

Trust me as you as soon as you stop pursuing...

HUGS!

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Frustrated tonight

Had a good night w H lastnight when he dropped kids off. Talked a bit / cordial / friendly.

Tonight he calls to let me know he got a promotion to motorcycle unit at work and he is going out of state for the week oct 15-19. He has the kids 18 and 19 which I already committed to work and take my boards for my RN (which is a huge deal). It’s like my life doesn’t matter and it’s all about his selfish little world. I need to do everything for the kids and he can just live this “bachelor” lifestyle. I mentioned he’s going to miss the kids dr appt that week and his response was “it [censored] im missing a wedding that Friday too”. Really ?? A friends wedding we were supposed to goto together !! He then brings up an annual cookout we goto together every year he wants to bring the kids to a day he has them. Doesn’t he realize it hurts to hear this ? He then has the nerve to say he’s going to try to take the weekend before and after training off like I’m just going to hand the kids over to him when he’s free. Sorry we have plans !

Being the nice guy has gotten me nowhere. I DB and he starts to come around and show positive changes/ gets my hopes up but then he shows selfishness the next day. It’s exhausting. I want to give up but I’ll do anything to make my M work I want my husband back and think of him every moment of the day. Feeling sick over this. I feel like he’s in “Cop” mode and trained to show NO emotion. I ask him stuff and his response is always “I don’t know.” It’s so frustrating. I think he’s scared to come back and for things to go back to the way they were in the past.

How is he just off getting promotions and socializing like my life isn’t falling apart and he’s ruining our family right now??

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You do not know he is doing so great in life, he told you about a promotion and you are mind reading the rest. It is generally accepted that the WAS is in as much pain if not more than us, but who knows right, what gives if everybody is just in pain and there is no happiness for any of us? Yes, it $ucks, all of it, his bachelor life style, his abandonment, the irresponsible immature choices but can you change any of it? You are dealing with a man child.

Either way does it matter, his promotion, his success, his social life, none of them have any relevance to your own. Well promotion and more money could mean more in child support if at all it comes to that.
In the meantime, how are you improving your own, how are you taking your life to the next level? What are you going to do differently that there is a remarkable improvement in your quality of life in a month, in 2 months and 6 months down the lane? It could be as simple as enjoying yourself more with your friends, investing more in your kids, exercising more often or even reading a few more books. Whatever makes MamaB the best she can be for herself and for the people who still really love her and cherish her.

Do something for yourself today, ruminating and grieving is inevitable I know, but find some time out of it to just enjoy the life you still have. We are all here for you , hugs.

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Sia ,

Thank you for that. I do a good job I would say doing stuff for myself (when I’m not taking care of the kids). He had them today and I worked , went for a run , and showered in peace.

I just feel so discouraged. I know you say sometimes the WAS feels pain but it certainly does not seem that way. Since the day he BD he just seemed cold , distant, and emotionless. He literally is tearing our family apart and shows no remorse. That’s what it hardest for me to accept. After 6 years together and two innocent babies it’s like he is completely moved on and happier without me.

I caved and sent him a long email (not begging) but basically saying how he needs to respect me enough to sit down and talk to me and communicate and not just run away. Every time I try to talk to him he closes down and runs. It’s impossible to get anywhere with him and I just feel so anxious he’s drifting further and further away and don’t know why he can’t look me in the eye sit down and have an adult conversation!! He acts like if we get divorced all the problems are going to magically disappear and the elephant in the room will be gone. NOT!!

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Soo my husband gets the babies two days a week. EVERY time he has them he immediately runs to his mothers house with them (not his apartment that has kids stuff there). He is almost 40 years old and spends every waking moment with his mother. Seems so bizarre to me. She is not a nice person and I feel like she has a lot to do with this mess. Anyone see this with MLC men ?? I feel like he just wants a babysitter while he sits on his butt but who knows. Don’t understand why he can’t be on his own with his kids.

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Husband just dropped kids off. I nicely asked if he read the email I wrote him and he didn’t want to reply ? And he sed no. I sed ok any reason why? I don’t know. He has SO much anger towards me and I have no idea why. He is the one who left us. He did this and caused all this pain why does he act like he hates me suddenly !?!

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Originally Posted by MamaB25
Soo my husband gets the babies two days a week. EVERY time he has them he immediately runs to his mothers house with them (not his apartment that has kids stuff there). He is almost 40 years old and spends every waking moment with his mother. Seems so bizarre to me. She is not a nice person and I feel like she has a lot to do with this mess. Anyone see this with MLC men ?? I feel like he just wants a babysitter while he sits on his butt but who knows. Don’t understand why he can’t be on his own with his kids.


Because he's replaced you with his mother. I was a SAHD but my WAW/WW now has her parents doing all the chores and childcare.

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has SO much anger towards me and I have no idea why. He is the one who left us. He did this and caused all this pain why does he act like he hates me suddenly !?!


Because it's the easy option for him to blame you rather that accept any responsibility.

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Need some advice ....
I was doing really well DBing. GAL staying busy with the kids and genuinely happy most of the time.

Lately H has been more friendly around me than usual. Bringing me coffee every time he picks up the kids. He called me in the middle of a night out to ask to borrow something out of the shed (he knew I was out but not where or with who). Also he’s been sending random messages not about the kids.

I caved and tried something different by writing him a hand written letter basically apologizing for not seeing how unhappy he was ...memories of us ...and hopes I have for our family and that he can discuss anything with me he needs to.

He is at training this week for work and texted randomly how hard the training was and how he thought he was going to fail the course. Isn’t this something you would text a wife !? He still refuses to discuss M with me and hasn’t acknowledged the letter. My therapist believes due to his PTSD/ trauma any “emotional” talk causes him excess anxiety and he reverts almost to a child hood state and shuts down. I don’t know where to go from here. I woke up with a panic attack lastnight. I miss him so much. Going on 5 months now and all I want is for him to come home. Don’t know if I need a different approach due to a possible MLC/ trauma H. No idea how to get him to open up and actually discuss our future no matter where we are heading.

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Still no evidence of a Affair. I honestly think it’s more of a break down / overwhelm situation dealing with his trauma and a new baby to the mix. Why is he sending these mixed messages though ? Do you buy coffee and randomly text someone you hate and want to divorce ?? frown

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Hi MamaB25

I’m sorry you are going through this horrible time, I feel youre pain as I am going through it myself although my sitch is somewhat different. But like you I think my H is going through a MLC, and is giving me mixed messages, I have made myself physically ill trying to make sense of it, but I found the best thing to do was to give my H a lot of space and try to GAL. I know its hard, that it feels like you have lost you’re anchor in life, and that YOU have to wait for him to wake up, grow up, see all the mess he has made and then come to his senses. The waiting and the not knowing are the worst. I have been journaling and trying to reach out here to people on the newcomers feed. It helps to know that I am not alone. It sounds like youre H is reaching out to you in tiny ways and I could see that it gives you some hope but also confuses you...my H did the same thing and slowly it seems like things are not as bad as a few months ago, but I would back off, no more letters, asking questions. I agree with what Steve85 said, how do you expect answers from someone who is confused himself. I think when my H sees that I am moving on and doing life with out him, he feels less pressure and I feel more safe to be around because I’m not placing all of my happiness in him. What I am learning and suprised by is that when I go out with friends, take a new class, journal, take a walk etc, I am making myself happy and nurturing myself which is great, and beats sitting around perseveration get all day. If he decides to stay in the M great, that is my hope, but if not I will feel good about taking care of myself and helping myself to move on. Please be good to yourself, you are worth it!

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Thank you Sansa! Your advice is very helpful and it does help to hear I’m not alone in going through pain like this. I do agree that my H is very confused !! He gives mixed messages.

He is away for his work training this week and when he called the kids lastnight his colleagues were shouting in the background “is that your wife !?” Not sure what that means (don’t know what he has told them about us possibly nothing) he had a huge smile on his face and quickly made an excuse to get off the phone. I took a big test this morning and he texted me at 7 am wishing me good luck.

I also feel like over the past month or so I can feel a release of the tension there was when BD. He seems more at ease around me and “coming around”. Friendlier not as guarded.

He filed in July but there will be no hearings until February. I feel like when I’m in this “limbo” state I simply can’t let go of hope of us working things out. My IC has offered to see if he will come along to one of my sessions (not for marriage counseling ) but just to communicate in front of a neutral party guiding us. I don’t know if this will make him run for the hills or if it’s a better option just to give him a time and date instead of asking him if he’s open to therapy. I just don’t know how to handle him and all the mixed messages. I feel head over heels in love with him and miss him so much it hurts.

Keeping busy with the kids. GAL does help. I feel happiness in knowing I am raising two babies by myself right now , running a household , exceeding in my career ,ect. Makes me very proud of myself. I don’t “need” a man to do this. I just cling to hope he will get the help he needs and change his mind


Just found out He is going to his coworkers wedding tonight apparently. I could cry thinking about it. I’m 99% sure he is going alone but it’s like there is going to be an elephant in the room and every is going to be talking about why I’m not there. I have a fear he is going to be drinking and meeting single women frown ughhhh this [censored]

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Haven’t posted in a while...I’m losing hope badly. Things were going great for a while. Went trick or treating with the kids and it seemed like H was finally letting his guard down. He even was opening up more at the idea of marriage counseling saying he will ask about it or think about it as before it was a bold no.

I messed up and was bad at DBing. Sent endless emails confessing my love and hopes for reconciliation. Text messages. It just [censored] cuz I feel as if I have NO closure other than him telling me he was unhappy. A mutual friend found him on a dating site last week. He used a picture from our daughters baby shower !! I was sick to my stomach over this. I confronted him and he sed he made a mistake would delete it right away and that he hates himself and I deserve to hate him. He swears he hasn’t gone on dates in the past 5 months since he’s left.
I basically told him to dismiss the divorce and goto therapy come home and work on this marriage or tell me hes 100% for divorce. He has yet been able to look me in the eye and tell me he’s 100% sure divorce is the only option. As of last night he told me “he’s never moving back in”. Hurts to hear but I guess I have to listen. I have been protecting him and kind of hiding this separation and scared to go “public” with it or even remove our photos from social media it’s too hard. Im at the point where if he is done I want his lawyer just to speed up the process so I can take the kids and move away from the house filled with painful memories. I pray every day to have my marriage back together and now I just feel hopeless.
Nothing is happening as far as divorce until February and even then it won’t be final but it just kills me the fact we have a 2 year old and 3 month old baby and he won’t even give this marriage a chance. He admitted to me last week he wasn’t happy now and hates himself but if that’s true why wouldn’t he try to fix this ?? I’m feeling completely hopeless at this point like my marriage is really over and I just can’t accept it. I’m so sad and I guess now is the time just to focus on myself and the kids. The holidays are going to be so hard. I don’t want to feel this pain anymore frown I just want my family back together. Any suggestions???

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Oh another update as of 12/1 he is just responsible for child support only. Now as of the other day randomly he’s offering to continue paying my car insurance and cell phone?? Can’t make sense of this

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Hi Mama,

I so empathize with you and the absolute desperate feeling you have to save your marriage, and really relate to the not "needing", but wanting. It's the only thing I want in my sitch as well. It shows our true commitment to another person.

The only thing I can offer in terms of the "why" for what your husband is doing in offering to help with bills, etc. is guilt. My H would do things that seemed to be wishy-washy to me too, but when I'd point out that it seemed like he wasn't sure, he'd become adamant that he was sure and nothing had changed on his end. Then he'd continue to act like he would come to the house every so often to help out with things like taking care of the yard.... I had to tell him very bluntly that it made no sense for him to tell me he doesn't want to be with me, but yet wants to be my lawn man?! And the only reason is because it made HIM feel better about himself given the other ways he was hurting me.

But, I obviously can't predict why your H is doing this. It does sound like your H's behavior is much more on the fence than mine has ever been, and ever since I told my H I didn't want him in the house, we have been pretty much completely NC. I did have to ASK my H finally if he could give me money for things I'm still paying for like car insurance, health insurance, etc. and he agreed to transfer the money to me each month (we will see if it happens) "until" there's a divorce decree. Yet he still has not filed and I know it's pointless for me to even ask why or when he plans to.

Basically I'm really no help here except to say you are NOT alone and the weird behaviors that you are observing that seem like everyone else would raise an eyebrow at are totally valid, and I don't know what gets into our WASs that makes them so blind and susceptible to doing outrageous things. It's frustrating, it leaves us without answers, it leaves us yearning for so much ... but if nothing else I think it's really good that you are seeing the strength and positivity in raising the kids and still thriving in your career.

FYI I protected my H for what I felt was a long time too (2 months). Finally I pushed it and made sure he told at least his parents, and I told mine, and I also told the neighbors simply because I NEEDED to or I was going to die from not having an outlet for what I was going through. Looking back I can't help but wonder if I expedited a process that he may have otherwise started to question more on his own had I not pushed it, but at the same time I couldn't play games anymore and it was getting to the point where I felt like he was waffling because it was convenient for him, as long as I was letting him, even though he was ACTING as if he cared - as opposed to him waffling because he wasn't sure.

Anyway from a social media (SM) perspective, I wouldn't worry about that. There are some other threads on here about that but I have also concluded that I am not even going to touch that until it's really the right time and stuff has resolved. It really is like a whole part of your life is frozen in time and weird that a whole bunch of people you both know may have no idea. You will know when it's the right time for you to let people know and so forth. The only recommendation I would give there is to not be negative about your husband if/when you do share, because the other thing I've learned is that the more they feel shame, the worse the behavior gets. Sometimes we think the opposite, or that if we tell someone else maybe they will help change their mind. In a healthy society and community, I think those types of things would happen, but the reality is that most men do not look upon this type of vulnerability positively, and many "community" members (friends, neighbors, even family) will not attempt to "intervene" or change anyone's mind. It's sad because we are not left with many options then to encourage someone how to deal with such things in a healthier way unless they simply decide to on their own.


H:39 W:30
M:4 T:9

05/2018: H says "ILYBNILWY", BD
07/2018: Discovered A, confronted
09/2018: PA + other details emerge; H moved out
12/2018: I filed
03/2019: Divorce finalized
TJT #2830991 01/03/19 07:17 PM
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Thank you TJT for your insight. Nice to hear I’m not alone even though it feels like it.

I’ve lost all hope. He left 7 months ago today and has filed. I’ve begged him (I know bad) almost daily to come home or goto marriage counseling and he refuses. He will barely communicate with me and til this day he can NOT tell me he wants a divorce and he doesn’t love me to my face. I believe this is called avoidance. We are supposed to goto court in February. I’m literally sick to my stomach over this and feel like my world is crashing down and I have no control over it. I’m staying busy with the kids and trying to give them the best life possible and taking care of myself but he just consumes my thoughts and the fantasy of the forever life I thought we’d share together. Has anyone heard of a walk away husband changing his mind last minute ? I haven’t even hired a lawyer yet because it’s like a nightmare and surreal and I pray he comes home every day. Our babies are so young and I can’t imagine having to deal with him forever when he refuses to give me any type of closure or reason for our marriage ending. Is there any chance of him changing his mind?? As of now there is no evidence of another woman. Seems to be more like midlife crisis / depression issue.

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Hi MamaB25

First, forgive me because I haven't read all your posts; just the first page and your post today.

The only thing you should have lost hope in is that pursuing DOES NOT WORK. In fact, you feel as bad now as you did 7 months ago. That comes across in your post.

You say here that you beg him almost daily. I'm not going to defend a man who walks away from his family but all this is doing is confirming for him that he does right to stay away.

He sounds dreadfully confused / conflicted. We don't know what is causing that and I'm not sure it matters. But the one thing that he thinks he knows for sure is that the M makes him unhappy and that nothing has changed in 7 months. You haven't changed.

Look back at the advice you were given after your first post. if you are pursuing on an almost daily basis then you are not following it.

I can only imagine how difficult this is for you with such small babies. Its flipping hard with grown children. But you need to start DBing with a vengeance because for the sake of your health, you cannot continue like this. If the divorce progresses you need to be strong for yourself and your children. If DB doesn't save your marriage it will help you to be strong.

Give it a go. One day at a time. My suggestion would be no contact tomorrow unless it is absolutely about the children. And then the day after and the day after that. No begging, no pleading, no desperation no matter how much you want to.

Give him space to breathe and sort his sh** out BUT more importantly give yourself space to breathe and gain strength.

Everybody here will support you. Don't tell him how you feel at the moment. Tell us instead if you want.

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Soo he had to come to the house today for our sons early intervention appt. On the way there he texted me asking if I wanted a coffee. I said no thank you. Then he comes and says he’s going “to clean out the shed” and pull out the snowblower out of nowhere. He organized the shed , put Xmas decorations in the attic, and cleaned up the yard a bit. His actions do not match his words it makes no sense. He says he’s adamant about divorce and no marriage counseling yet he sends these somewhat mixed messages. Drives me crazy. I’m going to try my best to stop begging and start DBing and looking good around him. It’s terrifying court is next month and I feel like it’s too late for him to come around and change his mind frown

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I think I have had an epiphany. I’ve spent the last 7 months crying on a daily basis and missing our “old perfect life”. Starting to slowly realize it wasn’t so perfect. Walking on egg shells not to upset your partner and having to beg someone to stay with you is not a healthy relationship. I miss the man my H used to be BUT I’m starting to see he is NOT that man anymore. That man would not walk out on a pregnant wife and toddler and watch her cry without comforting her.

I finally made a very brief statement about our separation on Facebook and I feel like an elephant has been lifted off my chest. I felt shame and embarrassment and I don’t know why because he is the one who gave up on our marriage. I was amazed at all the positive support I got and re connected with a lot of old friends reaching out to me which is a positive. I’ve spent 7 months trying to keep this private and protect him in hopes he’d come home but finally he sed to my face “I want a divorce” so I’m choosing to work on MY happiness and give him what he wants.

I think the key is to staying very busy. I do a lot of fun activities with the kids. Work. Clean / maintain the household. I’m getting to the point I am proud of myself. If my husband finds a girlfriend which I know is next I feel bad for her because a) he is going to lie about the reason he walked away from his family b) she needs to deal with his issues and rude MIL. Good luck to them !! Any man that would walk away from a pregnant wife and kids is NOT a catch. I’m really starting to get excited about my new future. Moving ..decorating a new place ...travel... getting healthy ... new beginnings. It’s like a fresh start and I feel free. Of course there is days I break down and miss my old marriage and H from years ago but he is NOT that man anymore and I did everything in my power to work on the marriage. This is his loss and he will regret it one day. I guess my point is if anyone is feeling hopeless I thought I could never move on and I just woke up one day with a completely different attitude and a sense of empowerment. I’m not letting him make me a fool anymore begging someone to be married who doesn’t want that.

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I have merged your two threads together but you have not reached the 100 posting limit for the first one. Please stick to one thread until you have reached 100 postings/replies. You can change the subject line within your threads at any time.


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The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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I know this is an older post from November but wanted to touch on a few things in case you feel like going down this road again because you are making mistakes that most newer DB'ers make and it's killing your chances:

Originally Posted by MamaB25
Haven’t posted in a while...I’m losing hope badly.


First of all, this is a marathon. You simply cannot DB and expect to see results in weeks or even months. It takes a year or more. You've barely started the race, a good marathon runner most assuredly does not give up hope after running 100 yards.

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Things were going great for a while. Went trick or treating with the kids and it seemed like H was finally letting his guard down. He even was opening up more at the idea of marriage counseling saying he will ask about it or think about it as before it was a bold no.


Stop hanging your hopes on every little thing he says. There are going to be good days and bad days. He's going to throw you crumbs to try and keep you on as Plan B. Don't fall for it. You've got to keep your cool and maintain your distance.

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I messed up and was bad at DBing. Sent endless emails confessing my love and hopes for reconciliation. Text messages.


Don't do that, that is a tremendous amount of pressure on him at a time he wants no pressure. That is how YOU feel, not how HE feels. And right now this is all about HIS feelings.

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A mutual friend found him on a dating site last week. He used a picture from our daughters baby shower !! I was sick to my stomach over this. I confronted him and he sed he made a mistake would delete it right away and that he hates himself and I deserve to hate him.


More pressure. Don't confront, and quit snooping.

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I basically told him to dismiss the divorce and goto therapy come home and work on this marriage or tell me hes 100% for divorce.


That's pressure too. That's what YOU want, not what HE wants. Stop this kind of talk. Give him time and space. Leave him alone to sort this out.

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As of last night he told me “he’s never moving back in”. Hurts to hear but I guess I have to listen.


Drop your expectations. Again, it is FAR TOO SOON for him to be changing his mind. You shouldn't expect to hear him say anything positive for AT LEAST a year. After that he may very well change his mind, right now he doesn't think he will but it has happened plenty of times.

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I pray every day to have my marriage back together and now I just feel hopeless.


Patience!

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He admitted to me last week he wasn’t happy now and hates himself but if that’s true why wouldn’t he try to fix this ??


Because he's confused and doesn't know what he wants. He will eventually sort it out but only after you remove all the pressure from him and give him the time and space he needs.


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Thank you for your feedback. You say patience and Atleast a year but I don’t have that time. He filed and we goto court in February for pre trial. The house is going to be sold and we will be divorced within a few months. Won’t it be too late at that point? It’s been 7 months and he hasn’t changed. 3 1/2 weeks til court I’m scared I’m not going to be a success story.

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Originally Posted by MamaB25
Thank you for your feedback. You say patience and Atleast a year but I don’t have that time. He filed and we goto court in February for pre trial. The house is going to be sold and we will be divorced within a few months. Won’t it be too late at that point? It’s been 7 months and he hasn’t changed. 3 1/2 weeks til court I’m scared I’m not going to be a success story.


Getting a D doesn't mean you don't become a success story. Really, I think you have to remember and focus on that. Because we don't know what the future holds - you could still R down the road after D.

It's true, you may not, and that's a really tough pill to swallow. I'm trying to get the same pill down. Drinking lots of water.

But, I do think that the future being unwritten should be a source of hope, not a source of fear.

Did you ever play with Legos? I was just thinking about this. And you make some really cool house and barn. But then you want to make a battleship too. You have to tear down the house and barn to make the battleship. The creation of something new comes from something else falling apart.

You might have to let this M fall apart completely and legally in order for the next R to take root. Your H may not be able to move forward in his process unless he feels completely untethered. Maybe that will give him the "freedom" he needs to better himself, and work through his issues.

Find hope in the unknown. Don't look around at the destruction around you, try to look at what you can build with your new resources.

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You may feel that there is no hope for your marriage and the hurt is too deep to restore the relationship and love that you once had. The truth is, your life and marriage can be better and stronger than it was before. In fact, thousands of marriages, situations as complex and painful as yours, have been transformed with the help of professionals who understand where you are right now and care deeply about you and your spouse’s future.

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The unknown is so scary for sure... where will you go when the house is sold? The hardest thing in life is to have an action plan when your heart is broken... but you must.

Remember, strength is attractive.

Who knows what is in store for your future. There are couples who do remarry after divorce but honestly once the dust settles and you really have detached from the situation you may not want a man you left you high and dry to figure it out on your own.

The only person you can control is you... are you taking the steps to make sure you and your children are going to be okay? How are the financials looking? Can you pay the bills and feed yourself? I don't see your H coming out of his issues in such a short time. Make sure you have what you need to make it on your own for now.

Hugs!

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Originally Posted by MamaB25
Thank you for your feedback. You say patience and Atleast a year but I don’t have that time. He filed and we goto court in February for pre trial. The house is going to be sold and we will be divorced within a few months. Won’t it be too late at that point? It’s been 7 months and he hasn’t changed. 3 1/2 weeks til court I’m scared I’m not going to be a success story.


Divorce is not the end of it. There have been many couples who didn't reconcile until after divorce. A lot of the situations here end in D because the LBS has been largely ineffective at removing pressure from the WAS. If you can well and truly remove the pressure then they'll put the D on the back burner, but what usually happens is the LBS will follow some of the DB'ing rules but not others (in particular, temp checking) and even the smallest pressure is derailing their efforts. After D the LBS almost always says "well that's it, there's no hope now" and gives up, and well and truly does finally drop the rope and remove all pressure. Sometimes THAT is what it takes for the WAS to finally see what they've lost. It doesn't always work out that way, but sometimes it does. So even D is not a reason to give up hope, unless you're done and don't want to hang onto hope anymore, that's up to each of us individually.


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So my H and I came up with an agreement that we would goto court Feb 4 meet with the mediator and go in front of the judge and we agreed on all stipulations and to do it with NO lawyers. We do not have a lot of assets and seem to be on the same page as far as everything. This morning I get a call from his lawyers office to come in for a meeting before our pre trial to try to come to an agreement and “save” time in court and lawyer fees. Never heard of a lawyer trying to lower fees. My H is so gullible. Is this standard procedure ?? I’m starting to think this guy is just doing my police officer H a favor and he’s not really paying him. Obviously his lawyer isn’t going to have my best interest at heart. I really wanted to do this without lawyers but again he has lied and blindsided me. Narcissistic him then starts calling me crazy when I confronted him and says he is still following the agreement but his lawyer is just going to do a legal document that way we can present it at court. I see no reason why we can’t goto the free mediator at the court house and then go in front of the judge. Why does he try to ruin my life?? None of his words match his actions.

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So sorry MamaB. This is an awful time, I know. I don’t think he is trying to ruin your life. In fact, I don’t think he is thinking about you at all...just himself which it appears is typical. Do you get to see the agreement before you present it at court. I would not do the agreement without letting a different lawyer look it over first. It could be that he is being honest about why the lawyer is involved but just in case, you should definitely have someone review it. (((HUGS)))

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Originally Posted by MamaB25
I really wanted to do this without lawyers but again he has lied and blindsided me.


You don't have to use a lawyer to proceed but you SHOULD consult one prior to mediation.

Mediators can't give legal advice. So if you have any questions arise you won't have a resource. You can consult with a lawyer privately, and then go through with mediation well informed.

Some lawyers will have a free initial consult with the hopes you'll retain them after. Inquire! Or, some employer EAP benefits have resources you call for a free consult.

Paying for an hour or two of lawyer fees while expensive will give you the peace of mind that you advocated for yourself appropriately. Your H may or may not find out, and may react angrily. Too bad. You can tell him very honestly that you felt it was best to have the agreement reviewed.

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We goto court Monday. I can’t believe it has come to this. Almost 8 months since BD and feels just like yesterday.

Do WAS ever change their minds last minute or at court?? I’m desperate and scared and there is NO part of me that wants a divorce. Is there anything I can say to him at this point to change things ???

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Hang in there Mama. This too shall pass.


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Mama, words didn't get you into this and words won't get you out of. Of course things might change last minute, but don't count on it. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best, and focus on what you control to make your life better.

If BD feels just like yesterday I hope you will work on detachment and getting through some of this pain. Best of luck to you.


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(((Mama))) I know how you feel. I am sorry you are going through this. It is a pain that is like no other. It will get better with time. Focus on what you can control which is you. Your WAS feels driven to do what he is doing...as does mine. We are just dotting the i’s and crossing the t’s on our separation agreement. He is desperate to divorce me and move on to his new life with our kids in tow for 50% of it. I expect to be served with divorce papers in May as he wants to be dating by the summer. I assume he thinks he will have better luck if he can say he is divorced instead of separated. I cannot stand in his way. It s#cks beyond belief but it is what it is. I know you feel very alone right now but please remember that you are not. There are people in your life who care about you and people across the miles whom you have never met who care about you and know what you are going through. You can get through this as can I. We have no choice. I will be sending you positive healing thoughts on Monday. (((HUGS)))

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Originally Posted by MamaB25
We goto court Monday. I can’t believe it has come to this. Almost 8 months since BD and feels just like yesterday.

Do WAS ever change their minds last minute or at court?? I’m desperate and scared and there is NO part of me that wants a divorce. Is there anything I can say to him at this point to change things ???


Im sorry that you are hurting so badly. Keep your head up. Even of this is the end there is a wonderful man out there that wants nothing more than to treat you right and never hurt you.

I am an LBS that sees this for what it is. Its a blessing in disguise. I want nothing more than to get away from my WW. Shes a cold hearted cheater who broke my heart. Im piecing my heart back together. I have already experienced the fact that shes not the only woman on Earth and that there are any many others that would do nothing but treat me like I deserve.

You deserve so much better.


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So we had court Monday. I always anticipate the worst and it wasn’t as bad as expected. He did show up with a lawyer. Immediately we were told we couldn’t see a judge or be granted a divorce because both of us failed to do the required parenting class. He sed he looked online but “couldn’t find one that worked”. I’m very confused as his lawyer has been a divorce lawyer for 30 years wouldn’t he tell him this is a requirement to be granted divorce?? A small part of me is wondering if this was on purpose and he knew we couldn’t go through with it Monday?? We basically just came to an agreement on everything else and I will be selling our home frown. I’m a huge believer that everything happens for a reason. I went in Monday w the impression I would leave granted a divorce yet we are still very much married. I spoke to a mutual friend of ours and she said “I have a feeling this isn’t the end for you guys”. Just feels so permanent with me selling the house and moving on w the kids. We go back to court in April. Hope he will wake up before then and get the help he / we need!!! The mutual friend suggested starting off as friends w him and going out without the kids however he ignores me half the time and will NOT discuss us. So frustrating. We are filing taxes together next week. Would it be stupid for me to suggest lunch after ?

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He won't "see the light"? He won't "get help"? Come on. He ignores you half the time and won't discuss "us"? Yet you keep trying?

Why are you expecting to hammer him to death to get what you want? Wouldn't you rather him choose you then you force him to be with you? Can you force him to be with you? If not, why try?

Why not detach, why not make your life better, why not stop putting all your eggs in his basket?


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So what's the number one rule in DB? Don't bring up R talks....

Mama your last post screams pressure. What happens when you feel under pressure? You balk....

You need to learn and practice the skills of drawing your WH in... Completely forget about dating he isn't even anywhere near that yet.

You need to move on and give that appearance. You need to act as if ---- and I know how hard that is. And, hello... be friendly especially for the kids but you are NOT his friend. You will not settle for bread crumbs. Draw your line and if he doesn't cut the mustard keep going forward. If he is going to get a clue if ever it will be because you are leaving him behind.... not kissing his behind.

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Originally Posted by MamaB25
He sed he looked online but “couldn’t find one that worked”. I’m very confused as his lawyer has been a divorce lawyer for 30 years wouldn’t he tell him this is a requirement to be granted divorce??


Apparently his L did tell him, why else would he have looked for it online.

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A small part of me is wondering if this was on purpose and he knew we couldn’t go through with it Monday??


I would imagine he's just being lazy. Doing the class will take some time and effort so he was hoping he could just show up, act stupid and get a free pass. He learned that rarely works in a court of law though.

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I spoke to a mutual friend of ours and she said “I have a feeling this isn’t the end for you guys”.


I had several friends tell me the same thing. I think it's just one of those things people tell you hoping to cheer you up.

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We go back to court in April. Hope he will wake up before then and get the help he / we need!!!


Realistically he's not going to change his mind in 2 months. A year or two from now, yes could very well be.

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The mutual friend suggested starting off as friends w him and going out without the kids


Absolutely not! Give him time and space. Remove all pressure.

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Would it be stupid for me to suggest lunch after ?


Not stupid, but to him it will look desperate so don't do it. No one is attracted to desperate, needy people. You've got to get your independence back before he'll start noticing you again.


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Originally Posted by MamaB25
I spoke to a mutual friend of ours and she said “I have a feeling this isn’t the end for you guys”.

Originally Posted by AnotherStander
I had several friends tell me the same thing. I think it's just one of those things people tell you hoping to cheer you up.


Just like WASs have their script ILYBINILWF. LBS have their script begging, pleading that they will change.

The LBS friends have their script. “I have a feeling this isn’t the end for you guys”.

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Thanks for the advice everyone. Overnbw- logically you make complete sense. I understand. I have been desperate and nothing I have tried yet has worked. If this was my friend in this position I would tell her she’s crazy and to run far. I loved this man for so long and I just can’t turn the feelings off. However , I am very much so getting my own life. I did go on a dating app (although it’s way too soon) but I did go out w a guy and he turned out to be very nice and it’s just eye opening and a giant relief that their are men out there who will accept someone with little children and going through a divorce. I am looking forward to buying a new house , new car , planning vacations , and excelling in my career / working out. I’m not sitting at home crying over him like I was the first couple of months. I guess it was just hard expecting a divorce Monday and now it’s another two months of married limbo. It’s been 8 months total since BD and he hasn’t changed his behavior so not sure why I hold out hope. Maybe when I move and not live in the same city the reality might hit him a bit more.

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Looking for advice. Haven’t posted in a while. He dropped bomb June 2018 and divorce official July 2019. I wanted NO part of divorce. This guy was the love of my life and he just up and left one day while I was pregnant!

We now live in separate houses and he sees our (4 and 2 year old) weekly. He has already dated multiple different women (none of them work out shocking! ). My question is he still turns to me / texts me when something big / troubling happens in his life. He’s Always bringing me coffee / breakfast when he picks up the kids or small gifts randomly. He refuses to speak about our marriage til this day and anytime I bring up anything to do with us or keeping our family together he shuts down or totally ignores me.

I just don’t know what to do. Its been 2 years and I miss him more than ever. I have tried dating but that just makes me miss him more. Why does he send me mixed messages but date other women?? All I want more than anything in this world is to reconcile and save our family but I don’t know where to start. It’s impossible communicating with him he has a giant wall up and acts like I’m the monster when he’s the one who left me pregnant and alone with a 2 year old. frown I’m struggling and feel like life won’t be “normal” again until we are living under the same roof and together.

I just can’t deal with the fact HE was the one who ended our marriage and broke up our family. I had no say in the matter. Now he’s dating all these women happy as can be living the “bachelor” lifestyle. How am I the one who is sad all the time , lonely , and raising our babies alone??

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He sends you mixed messages because he wants to keep you hanging on. And I am sorry to say that he dates other women because he wants to date other women.

i suggest that you stop accepting the gifts, breakfast, and coffee. I also suggest that you stop bringing up anything to do with the two of you or keeping your family together. It hasn't worked thus far. Try something new - nothing. That approach has made me feel better.

-Spiral

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Thank you. I know your right. I think the holiday set me back. We took the kids to the beach together and lunch / go karts ect. It was such a fun “normal” day. Then I see another girl text his phone (roar)


I don’t get it. It’s like every week there is a new woman or he’s on another dating site. It’s like he can’t be alone for 5 minutes!! I wish he could just take that energy and put it into making his family work out. It [censored] to love and care about someone so much who doesn’t give a [censored] about you. Wish I could move on as easily as he has.

I know the long R talks ect is pushing him away so I guess I just have to work on being “indifferent “ even though it’s killing me.

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That's alright. I had a bit of an emotional set back myself this morning and I am sure that it would have been worse if I'd spent the day with my spouse. I'm not sure that the family time is good for you and I think that it may reduce your chances of reconciling with him. It lets him have the best of both worlds.

-Spiral

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Originally Posted by MamaB25
We took the kids to the beach together and lunch / go karts etc.

It's a year later and you aren't over him--it sounds like you need to give yourself space to move on--maybe go dark on accepting coffee, gifts, breakfast, texts about his troubles, and spending holidays together.

Originally Posted by MamaB25
Why does he send me mixed messages but date other women??

As stated, to keep you holding on.

Originally Posted by MamaB25
but I don’t know where to start. It’s impossible communicating with him

The starting point is he has to want to reconcile. If he ever does, you will know.

Originally Posted by MamaB25
happy as can be living the “bachelor” lifestyle. How am I the one who is sad all the time , lonely , and raising our babies alone??

You have to find your own happy, in your role as a mom, in your hobbies, in your life as a single lady. Even if you want to R someday, you must know your odds are better if you're not sad and lonely. And if you're not sad and lonely, you may not want to R so much. If you're watching your kids alone, consider pushing him to take the kids one night OR pushing him for enough child support to take a couple half-days off per week.

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