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Treat him like you would a cashier at the store. You don't ignore them, you are positive but brief and to the point. You wouldn't share personal information with a cashier, or ask them personal questions. You certainly wouldn't make out with them.

If the alcohol is a problem, or if you don't think you can be consistent with your DBing with him after a few drinks, I would suggest not drinking. It can be hard enough to deal with emotions, and alcohol can make it that much harder. You want to be cool, calm, and collected when dealing with him, not out-of-control.


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
Davide #2813938 09/23/18 05:08 PM
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MamaB25 Offline OP
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So I made a mistake and when I got home from night out lastnight I hugged him. He hugged back but then I looked up to kiss him and he just smiled / laughed and kind of pushed away. He said “I will talk to you tomorrow” and left even though I know I probably won’t hear from him. So awkward my husband has become a stranger I make small talk with.

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Treat him like a stranger, just as Davide said.

Your H loves that you tried to kiss him, he has you right where he wants you as plan B. Are you going to change that?


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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MamaB25 Offline OP
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You are right! It’s just so hard I figure if I stop trying and out of mind he will forget about me. The book is coming in mail this week can’t wait to read it. It’s so hard doing NC with two kids involved I am forced to see/talk to him and FaceTime.

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Hang in there. It will get easier. Why do you need to facetime him? Can't you limit communication just to logistics and business regarding the kids or financial stuff? How much of the communication you are doing having with him is strictly necessary and not just a chance to talk with/see him?


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
Davide #2813970 09/23/18 11:30 PM
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MamaB25 Offline OP
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We went to mediation for temporary orders with me being pregnant when he left and all and part of our agreement is to answer FaceTime when other one calls to see the kids. My problem is I’m too nice to him. It’s just my character I always try to put myself in the other persons shoes. My mother all my girlfriends telling me I’m too nice to him. And some of the communication is making small talk about work / mutual friends I suppose not necessary.

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You can't nice him back, and you are prolonging your pain by continuing to act nice to him.

If you need to Facetime, do it, but limit your conversations.


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
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sia Offline
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MamaB, I was drawn to your thread because you see yourself as a mama first. You have 2 wonderful children that deserve the best in life. I am sorry you are here and are going through this, I was in your shoes too. Dealing with BD postpartum just makes it beyond painful according to me. If you think about it doesnt it also make our WHs extra cruel? We still pine for these runaways who seem to be in a parallel universe. Ask yourself if your kids deserve this, if they need a father who is failing them to give a happy family. At this point, he is beneath your love. Make him work for it not the other way round. Until then you have those beautiful children to give all the love to. You can do this, one hour at a time and then one day at a time. Show your WH what he is losing.

sia #2814236 09/25/18 02:45 AM
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Thank you Sia. Nice to hear I’m not alone. Going through this pregnant definitely made the whole situation worse. As far as I knew we had a very happy marriage. I agree with you if any man did to to my daughter I would tell her to run. He is the love of my life and I just can’t let go. We haven’t even done marriage counseling and have two babies! Divorce just feels so wrong and unnecessary. I don’t want him to regret it when it’s too late. It’s been 4 months since he’s left and feels like an eternity. The more time that goes on the more hopeless it seems. I just want him to wake up from this “fog” and come home to me and his babies. He is missing out on so much. My children will always come first though and being mama keeps me super busy which is a plus. His bday is this weekend don’t know how to approach that smirk going to be tough

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BluWave did your husband ever fill you in on what brought him home?? What about what he was feeling when he was gone? Did you notice any behavior changes right before R?? Thanks!!


Hi MamaB,

I thought I would answer you over here on your thread. I have several threads where I discuss most of this, if you feel like reading them. Yes, we have talked about it all. He has been back 3.5 years now, so we don't talk about it much anymore.

What brought him home was a combination of things that happened over time. He was gone for about 9-10 months having an R with OW. That was after they had a secret EA for about 8 months, while he was living at home. What brought him home was a combination of him having the freedom to leave the home and M and go into the "real world" and having an actual R with OW, and seeing that I was starting to move on without him and would no longer be his plan B. You see, the lure of an A is much stronger when it feels unattainable. Once we split and he was free to date her, he very soon realized she was not what he wanted. They had all the drama, she was needy and insecure, and he never felt right about them. On some level, even in his fog, he knew it wasn't a real or authentic love. They were essentially running from their lives. He also saw that I was starting to move on. I stopped lashing out, or being needy, and started to DB and just let go. I removed the pressure. And when he saw me: GAL and moving on, he grew increasingly anxious and terrified. He also started to feel safer to approach me when he knew I wouldn't rip his head off.

When he was gone he felt tremendous guilt. I don't know if all waywards experience that, but my H was raised by a strict Catholic mother that guilted him in his childhood, and so he somehow created a nightmare for himself by doing what he did. His connection to OW also deepened because he felt like she was his only friend and he had burned all his bridges. She was readily available and also quite needy so he was attached to her. Simultaneously, he did not trust her (duh, she had an A and left her family) and the R lacked genuine intimacy. He describes it as always feeling wrong. He also was afraid of me, my anger, and that I would never forgive him. He says he thought he ruined any chance with me. I'll admit, I was very angry and distressed and he hid from me for several months. During the time he was gone and with OW, I tried to mindread and assumed the worst. In actuality though, he was under a lot of stress, losing weight, not sleeping well, gotten sick and was extremely depressed. He felt like he had ruined his life.

People want to know what the signs are of R or if they are getting close to R. My thoughts on that are, if it is happening, you will know and you won't have to ask. My H very quickly did a 180 when he thought he had fully lost me. I could just feel his energy change; he would try and talk to me, hang on to conversations, he was remorseful, and I could tell he wanted me to know he was ending the A. Then he ended it very quickly and starting changing. It was a snowball effect. He was ready to do anything and everything to get me back. It was almost surreal after the tauma of the breakup and their A.

Not sure if that helps. Another thing I tell people, is that we can do everything right and they still may never return. I did everything wrong and my H came back and has stayed back.It has been me in the last couple years that has thought about ending it. My H didn't come back until I got better at DB. I suspect he would have anyways though, I just prolonged the process. He was miserable and wanted his M and life back. Either way, these sitches take a long time to unfold. Sometimes years. You just have to let them go and focus on you and your kids. That is really all you can do. Find your worth and confidence. Don't stop fighting for you.

You can't truly say yet if you want your M back, because he hasn't shown you a man yet that is worthy of forgiveness. First, find the strong and confident you. That is what this is about IMO. Then, down the road, if he does come back, let that better version of you decide.

Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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