Hi everyone , I’ll try to keep this brief. My husband and I have been together 6 years married 3. (He is 38 I’m 31) We have a 2 year old and a 6 week old baby. When I was 31 weeks pregnant with this baby my husband dropped the bomb saying ILYBINILWY and he’s not happy. He said there is no intimate connection and it’s more like roommates now. He showed no emotion or remorse and no further explanation. I was completely blind sided as I thought we had an amazing marriage. Three months prior he got a tattoo of our anniversary date. We suffered two miscarriages before intentionally getting pregnant with baby number 2 less than a year before! Hard to imagine he felt this way for a while. I was totally happy with our life. He is a police officer and suffers from some PTSD related to job related trauma. When he sprung this on me I immediately thought ptsd/ depression / midlife crisis. I thought he may just be unhappy with life in general with the stress of a new baby and working many hours/intense job and not just unhappy with me. He swears no other woman and I have no proof. He moved into his best friends basement and texted me three days later “I miss my family we need to go to counseling”. This was in June and since then he hasn’t said anything positive about our relationship. He is placing all the blame on me saying he can’t do anything right in my eyes , I nag him, I don’t let him see his family , I have a bad attitude ect. He is not taking any accountability for marriage issues and finding any little thing to justify leaving. Since June he has got a new apartment (no lease and rent free because they want a police officer living in the building because it’s in a bad area). It is already furnished and decorated which kills me . He is showing no remorse and no sadness. He is the love of my life and I would do anything to have my family back together. It’s like he is an alien that abducted my husband. Obviously my pleading and begging is only pushing him further away but I don’t know what else to do. Every time I try to have a relationship convo he literally runs away or just ignores me. He won’t look me in the eye and have a conversation. I’ve been asking him daily since June to goto marriage therapy and work on us and he is refusing. I told him I can’t live in this limbo anymore and he needs to let me know if he is filing for divorce. His response was “I don’t know eventually”. Come to find out he filed in July didn’t have the courage to tell me to my face and had me served Aug 30 when our baby was 3 weeks old. I am shattered and physically ill over this. I’m seeing a therapist which helps but I can’t accept the divorce. We were viewed as a “perfect” couple and I only envisioned forever with him. I would never expect this is my worst nightmare. I just want my husband back home and to dismiss the divorce. Please ANY advice would be helpful. Our babies deserve us both to fight for our marriage. We went to mediation for temporary orders for custody and child support and nothing is happening as far as divorce until February. I would do anything to have him back but he just keeps saying he has a wall up and he’s not letting it down. I’m trying to go out with friends , work out , and stay positive but it’s so hard when I feel like I’m losing the thing that means the most to me in life my best friend and partner. He was divorced once before when he was in his 20s and always told me he was just too young. I spoke to his ex wife and she said he basically wrote her a letter and left out of the blue. Scary he seems to have a history of this and no positive role models for marriage because his parents were teens who never married and father is distant alcoholic. I’m scared he is not coming back and need help. I just feel like he’s giving up way too easily esp with kids involved and the problems he listed I don’t see as deal breakers. I’m not innocent here but working on all the issues he’s brought to my attention. We are almost 4 months apart now and it seems like forever. His birthday is next week and the holidays are coming and I just can’t cope. Trying to focus on being the best mom possible and stay busy but I want my husband home with us and it seems impossible when I’m the only one fighting. I think if we went on dates reconnected and went to therapy we could have that spark back again.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Since June he has got a new apartment (no lease and rent free because they want a police officer living in the building because it’s in a bad area). It is already furnished and decorated which kills me .
This doesn't sound right to me. Have you been to this apartment or is this just what he told you. I've never heard of anyone offering a cop free rent just so they are there. What about other utilities and expenses.
Sorry but this sounds like he has moved in with OW and fed you this story to cover it.
Gets your anniversary tattoo'd, then drops bomb 3 weeks later. Sounds like he met someone.
Sorry to be blunt, but we get a lot of new posters here that are sure there is no A, but then a few weeks later found out there is. Most of the time the evidence is right in front of the LBS' but they go into denial about it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
The apartment is real. There is another officer who also lives in the building for free. I have seen photos and he FaceTimes when he has our children there. I’m not in denial about an affair but haven’t had any proof. He seems depressed and I have proof he’s been working 80 hours a week. All he does is work and does overtime or has the kids in his free time. I’ve thought he could have had a one night stand or something when I was pregnant and couldn’t deal with the guilt maybe??
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Okay I googled it and free rent for police officers is a thing. Wow, who knew. i'll have to remember this the next time the local police start complaining about pay and want us to vote in a property tax increase! smile
Seriously, I guess a major mental breakdown could explain his weird behavior, but it seems like the police psychologist would pull him off the street if that were the case.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
1. Quit pressuring him to take accountability for his part of this marriage failure. 2. Validate his feelings when he say things about the marriage - his feelings are his feelings. 3. Stop begging and pleading - it's unattractive. Be the strong, smart, fun woman he fell in love. Fake it if you must. 4. GAL - get a life. It will helps with points 1 and 3 as well. 5. Stop the R talk. This is pressure and it isn't working for you. Do what works. And don't do what doesn't work. 6. Quit trying to break down his wall - you can't. Instead you need to be so happy with life that he is wanting to come out of his castle. Picnic analogy: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1833684 7. Read the links Cadet posted. 8. Quit thinking about "reconnecting through therapy and getting the spark back" or anything else that you can't control. It takes two to make a relationship work, and it won't work until he is ready. 9. Brace for the OW (other woman).
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Mama - sorry that you find yourself here but rest assured you are in good company.
So take a second and look at your behavior since BD... not working to fix things right? So stop. I know easier said than done but you are only pushing him further away.
You absolutely need to stop what isn't working and learn what does work.
Certainly start with doing the homework Cadet assigned. Pick up a copy of DB. Do all kinds of reading - there are lots of good books to help spouses understand the I love you, but..... Do your reading!!!
Work on yourself. As you pointed out you are not innocent in this. The reading and doing homework will help you learn about you. Remember you can only "fix" yourself. The whole adage you can drag a horse to water but you cannot make him drink is at play here.
Learn to validate - "you didn't let him see his family?" Even if there is little truth to that try to understand his viewpoint and validate the way he is feeling. Common mistake is for the other spouse to feel blamed and respond with ways not is not true. That's not helping. The real issue here is that he is not feeling heard or appreciated.
Is your H having an A? Who knows right now. Sure lots of people here find out that is the case but its not everyone's case. My H was NOT having an A but still had one foot out the door. I was able to turn my M around as other people have as well. Don't give up hope but definitely stop what you are doing.
One last piece of advice - stop involving other people. Find one or two close friends to confide in but don't go looking up ex-wives/old loves/current co-workers/his family. That's going to create some big backlash... don't go there.
Use this board - vent on your bad days, celebrate your good days, think you are going to do something silly and text him... come here first. I had a great support system here and was one of the lucky ones who got things back on track in a matter of weeks but some people here struggle for months to years. The one think you will hear over and over again is that the only person you can change or control is yourself... that's where your focus should be.
