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sia Offline OP
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Hi all,
I am back with a new login, for those of you that have been following along and helping me through my sitch, I am the one who has embarked on this journey putting my little daughters first and I know only they matter.
Me - good looking, intelligent, loyal gal with two precious Ds under 4.
H (that was) - loving, supportive, patient H and father, my BF.
WH (that is) - angry, resentful lava spewing alien that walked out on us
BD - when baby was less than 3 months, very few signs of unhappiness before and I totally missed them.
S/D - mediation under way, almost all terms finalized
Reason - per WH, I am controlling, judgemental and not a suitable partner to him (grand realization after 15 years together, and birth of second child)
No proof yet, but all signs point to him having both EA and PA. I am finally accepting it after everyone here and my friends and family saying it was obvious for last 6 months.
Healing journey - IC, reading and posting on these boards, talking to safe people and trying to GAL and letting go (slooooowwly, argh)

I did everything wrong for first few months post BD, begged, cried and lived through hell on earth with him disrespecting and undermining me every single day. I tried to DB to my best but failed, 180d, validated but was patient to the extent of being a doormat probably and showed all desperation to keep my family intact. Since WH moved out, I have been getting stronger and trying to get along without him. I still have bad days but the frequency is lesser than before.
I vaccilate now between wanting WH back to actually just cutting him out completely like the cancer he is to my life right now. He still is deep lost in his fog and the A mostly is in the honeymoon phase but the limited interactions we have he still spews.

Blu, Steve, Nicole, V, Helena, One, Maika, Davide, LW, Ovr, Jim, Eric, neffer, ballast and all others who have supported me through the journey a huge heartfelt thank you. Hope you will continue to guide me through this darkness for I am far from done.

The past few days WH has been dragging me down again. He wants to go on his personal trip again and started texting about changing custody schedule. I declined it saying I had plans and he should give me more notice in advance. He went crazy after this, texting me incessantly and begging and arguing with me during children exchanges. He went on to say I ignore him and dont even treat him human anymore and threatened that if I ever plan to leave city with kids he will file an abduction complaint. After few days of this, I broke DB rules and started texting back, politely but one too many. I agreed to keep the kids for the day he was taking off and was not willing to swap my day. He is still trying to text and I have told him going forward our communication can only happen thru a coparenting app. I am exhausted, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually, dealing with him corrodes me. I have no respect left for this runaway, irresponsible person, I loved him with all my heart and soul and he has become a threat to my existence and I need him out and need him out fast. I do not know if this is all my love could carry me through but I am in survival mode now and he is the cancer that threatens it. If there was any benefit or if I didnt know any better I would probably file for D myself. Did I do wrong by DB standards? Should I not have agreed to cover for kids in his absence? He might as well could be a no show so but by agreeing to him going away on his parenting day did I fail to drop the rope? Sometimes I dont know DB right from wrong, from intuitive to counter intuitive, everything seems upside down. The easiest way to stop him from bothering me was to agree to him, maybe weak but I need this for my sanity. Also may be time to go on some ADs, I have been avoiding them as I have a nursing infant.
I need some 2x4s and suggestions for co-parenting apps or if anyone knows a guy who knows a guy I can use one of them too, lol.

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Have in there. I know it's tough. And you ask for 2x4s but all I've got for you right now is support and prayers. I'm not seeing a lot to 2x4 you on. He it's a difficult miserable little man that seems to purposely be trying to make your life rough. Just hang in there, be there bigger person (that's not hard with how small and petty he is), and continue putting those precious girls first.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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sia,

Welcome back- in regards to swapping days. My feeling is that anything for the benefit of the children having no detrimental effect on you should be done. Mind you if you already had VALID plans and could not change them then WH would have to find a suitable solution. Otherwise spending time with kids should always be welcomed.
I too feel like you when you say that want to remove this cancer ASAP. My last interactions with WAW were so blah it makes me wonder what did I see in them? Maybe we have emptied out all the love for them? I'm not sure.
The 2X4 part comes when you are asking for a guy who knows a guy(lol). I too miss the closeness and togetherness of human touch.You and I don't need to add more people to the mix when our hearts, minds and souls are not properly aligned. Take the time to breathe- take the time to laugh- take the time to heal. Give love to your 2 little daughters . Know that I continue to pray for you and your family-Blessings!


M51 w50
T-20Yrs M-16Yrs
S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up
1 Awesum dog
BD 10/31/17
separate rooms 02/08/18
wife moved out 05/17/18

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Sia,

I'm glad to hear from you again, although it sounds like you are going through a tough patch right now.

Quote
I am exhausted, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually, dealing with him corrodes me. I have no respect left for this runaway, irresponsible person, I loved him with all my heart and soul and he has become a threat to my existence and I need him out and need him out fast. I do not know if this is all my love could carry me through but I am in survival mode now and he is the cancer that threatens it.


This is crucial. You need to take care of yourself and your children. It seems like you are reaching a point where proceeding with a D in order to protect yourself is an option that you are considering.

No matter what, stop blaming yourself for any of this. Your WH has been out of control for a while now, and that is 100% on him, not you. You can be the perfect DBer but that doesn't mean the WAS will snap out of it. In fact, often times the loss of control due to DB can make the WAS even angrier. But again, that is not on you.

Hang in there.


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
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sia Offline OP
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Thank you Steve, Davide and LW for your support as always.
LW, when I asked for a guy who knows a guy, it is to kick WH's @$$, not for a romantic R for me, no sir, no no no, lol.
Updates-
I have been busy caring for my children who got sick from daycare, argh here we go into the prolonged season of germs.
I have been doing fine, actually even a tad bit better than fine. My bad days/hours are more spaced out. I no longer have the urge to cry for long periods when I think or interact with WH. Maybe it is the time that has passed, may be it is the space , may be I am moving closer to detachment or it just maybe because I realize I am still blessed with a wonderful life. I have more than what most people can ask for, I have a pretty face that still turns heads ( I really need to get some spa time for myself lol), I have an above average IQ and a great education, a well paid job, great parents, reliable friends and most of all the best Ds who think the world of me. Well, I also have a silly WH who wants to runaway from all this but well its his problem not mine. WH is still taking his personal trips, even on days when he is supposed to take care of kids. Hey more time for me with my kids, yay! I am slowly making more friends, hand picking them really at this point, most of the friends were common friends so I really need some new faces. GAL outside is okish, I do as much as I can on the days I do not have kids, but I have realized GAL is doing what makes you happy and being with my kids actually makes me happy so my whole life is a fun GAL really. I come from the land of yoga and meditation, I am trying to take classes for both those. I am trying to surround myself with people who love me for who I am, as I am. I have a lot to work on myself, mainly control issues, short temper and taking my close Rs for granted but I am trying to be a better person. Most importantly I am trying to forgive myself.
My BFF who spoke to me after almost a month was amazed at how strong I sounded than before, she wants me to think of dating too. But I also realize I am not ready yet. I may not be for a few years , who knows. Not because I want WH back, but because I want to be in a place where I am happy for who I am and what I have and not because I need another man to make me feel complete again. Until I get there I do not think I will be ready for a happy romantic R.
I come from a conservative culture, where arranged marriages are common and divorces almost non existent. I chose WH thinking he is the love of my life, and he was. But I cannot accept the person he is right now so without a care of what unfolds next I want to move forward. Make a beautiful life for me and my Ds with all the blessings I already have.
I spent 19 years of my life living by what would make my parents happy, the next 15 putting WH in all my life decisions. For the first time I am actually free. I have come to realize I may not know what it is to set him free, but I absolutely can set myself free. I am free of the codependency, free of the need to have him in my life, free of all the worries that make me want the MR to work. I set myself free.
I used to tell myself I am standing for the MR for the sake of my Ds, to save their family. But if any person would dare even pull this stunt and put one of my Ds thru this, I would ask them to run away from the miserable man that is doing this. I will raise them to be powerful women who know their worth and I need to show them this by being that woman myself.
On a side note, I have another mediation appointment this week where I know heck is going to break loose but that is okay too, part of the process.
Tomorrow I may feel weak again, but for now I feel fine, better than fine.

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Hi Sia, it's nice to hear your update. It's good that you're able to see your life in a positive light and that you have so many things to be thankful for. It is empowering to be free and on your own. Prior to getting married I traveled the world alone, even all around India on buses and trains all by myself. It sounds like going from your parents to your husband you never had that chance to make your own choices and do your own thing. You're just getting a taste of it for the first time. I feel in a way that you'll do great and even be better off because you're 'head of household' now and you're still young and beautiful. Since divorce is so rare in your culture I believe you'll have a lot of women looking to you as a role model and secretly envying you. Still, it's easy to wake up feeling awful tomorrow or to wish to trade all the positives to have your stable life back with your husband. There are so many feelings and emotions. Good luck with the mediation appointment. I hope you let us know how it goes.

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(((sia))) I am so glad you updated. I have been wanting to post to you, but wasn't sure what was going on: there was a pause and then changes after the last thread. Hopefully that's all good now.

You read so strong. Wow. I have always been impressed by your courage and resiliency, it's very admirable. You have also been moving along so quickly and are balancing everything like a champ. I am glad you are enjoying your GAL time. You understand what is most important and you value yourself more than many here (and myself included post-BD). You know you deserve better than WH and how he has treated you! You also know that you are setting an example to your daughters of what it means to be a strong and independent woman.

Your confidence and mental strength is just awesome. I struggled with this for so long. I knew on some level everything you say, but my heart was so damaged, I couldn't seem to convince myself. When my H left for OW, I was too focused on him and if he would come back. Now of course I see how off I was! I really prolonged my own sufferings.

Silly question, but how do you do it? What can you share with newbies to help them gain more strength and confidence? I think you could really help some posters here because your attitude is what they are striving for. This is how healthy detachment begins! You are letting go of what is toxic and finding your own worth. You know you deserve better.

I love that you have a more global view of your sitch and you don't just subscribe to a woman needing a man to be complete. I agree 100%. Even though my H is back, I still believe I would be just fine without him. I don't need him to have a wonderful life. I want my 3 daughters to know they don't need a man either. They are great as they are and they can choose what they want. My BFF for life (since we were little kids), well her family is from India as well. You know what? She is also a very strong and independent woman. I think culture is to be appreciated and celebrated, however should never dictate the way we live our lives.

I hope you will keep posting and stick around! You have much strength and wisdom to share!

Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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BluWave did your husband ever fill you in on what brought him home?? What about what he was feeling when he was gone? Did you notice any behavior changes right before R?? Thanks!!

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Wow! strong woman- strong background- strong values - beauty-educated!!! who wouldn't want that??? LOL go get em!!! stay positive sia!!!!


M51 w50
T-20Yrs M-16Yrs
S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up
1 Awesum dog
BD 10/31/17
separate rooms 02/08/18
wife moved out 05/17/18

Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 603
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Wow! strong woman- strong background- strong values - beauty-educated!!! who wouldn't want that??? LOL go get em!!! stay positive sia!!!!


M51 w50
T-20Yrs M-16Yrs
S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up
1 Awesum dog
BD 10/31/17
separate rooms 02/08/18
wife moved out 05/17/18

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