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http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2802751&page=6

Thanks for your input Rose and RR.

Have you explored wih a therapist your inability to see things from another person's point of view and acknowledge their feelings without justifying yourself?

Therapist said that partially stems from being sixth born in a family of 7 kids. Often times being pushed aside. And not having the best relationship with my dad. Often felt that what I did was wrong or not good enough. Things I am currently working on.


M51 w50
T-20Yrs M-16Yrs
S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up
1 Awesum dog
BD 10/31/17
separate rooms 02/08/18
wife moved out 05/17/18

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What specific actions are you taking to work on seeing things from another person's point of view?

Do you have plans to apply these actions to understand your wife's view of your marriage?


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
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Thanks again Rose- What my T said was basically empathize with my W. To first breathe and take a second after the person talks. Take my self out of the equation. Don't be so quick to assume or offer solutions. If necessary repeat what was said to show them you understand what you are dealing with( ask questions if you don't understand). Show W you understand what ever it is - strengths, weaknesses, goals, hopes, priorities, needs, limitations, fears, and concerns are. On top of that show W your willingness to connect on a personal basis. Make sure she feels respected and heard. Take the time to process the information then offer a solution or alternatives that empower W or a solution agreeable to all parties.
As I said before, I am permanently under construction. I am looking to better myself and am currently using this mostly on my S because of limited contact with my W. I know I have a long way to go.


M51 w50
T-20Yrs M-16Yrs
S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up
1 Awesum dog
BD 10/31/17
separate rooms 02/08/18
wife moved out 05/17/18

Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 879
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The suggestions from your therapist are good ways of practicing empathy when you are interacting with your wife, and there are ways to practice empathy when you are thinking of and writing about your wife.

You don't have to be interacting with your wife to think about your marriage from her point of view and cut her the same amount of slack you cut yourself when you talk about your marriage.

Until then, you're going to stay stuck in anger, because her choices are always going to seem selfish if you look at them only from your view and your son's view.


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
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LW, it also boils down to love. Do you love her enough to let her go her own way, even if it isn't what you want. This was a tough lesson for me. Trying to claim I loved my my W without being able to empathize with her AND being able to let her do what she wanted to do. I call it selfish love. While I thought she was being selfish, I too was being selfish.

Love her so much that you have to let her go. It is tough, but that is true love.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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sia Offline
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I understand the challenges you are facing LW, first as LBS we have to pick the pieces of our broken hearts and bring ourselves out of our misery to a place where we begin some healing. Then when anger sets in as a defense mechanism we have to learn empathy to try and understand the WAS perspective however unreasonable and cruel it may feel. I am probably stuck in the same phase as you, how do you deal with self respect and love post depression while actually still maintaining love for a S who hurt us beyond what we could ever imagine. But Rose and Steve are right on, we need to love them from afar selflessly and as hard as it may seem try to understand their POV . May be down the road like we learnt to hold ourselves together from falling apart, we will learn this too. I could really use some tools to learn how to detach and yet love a person who has wronged and hurt us so much

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Rose -S85 - Sia - thank you for your love and support. It pains me to say that I feel stuck in this anger phase. I know I need to move past it to heal properly. One of the things that both W and I did well in the end was conflict avoidance. While perfecting this avoidance tactic communication became limited and strained. I knew things were not right but after reaching out countless times to reconnect both physical and non physical. We both ceased to really communicate. I no longer reached out feeling hurt- unattractive - unloved an appreciated and she did the same. I take ownership in my part in this and could have handled things differently.

Love her so much that you have to let her go. It is tough, but that is true love.


My IC shared this with me and I will do my best to retell the story as he told me. I cannot remember names and everything but I will do my best.

Mary had been seeing John for a period of time and things were going well. During one rough patch in the relationship they temporarily decided to give each other time and space to figure things out separately. During that time Mary went back to live with mom and dad 7 hours away. During the separation period Mary met Bob and began to like Bob in more ways than a friend. Mary and Bob became close and confided in one another. As time passed Mary and John slowly began to communicate- first about simple things but as time went along Mary began to see why she had loved John so much. Things progressed with both men . Mary thinking she had more invested with- John agreed to try again with John prompting a move back 7 hours away. As things got better with John - Mary constantly asked herself " what if.... with Bob?" Being truly torn and wanting to be up front with John she opened up and told him about these feelings. John was very understanding and let Mary express her true feeling without guilt or shame. In the following days John had got Mary a present .She opened it up- it was a ticket to travel back to see Bob. When Mary asked - John said that he would not stand in the way of Marys happiness. He wanted for Mary to see Bob and and although he would be hurt If Mary left permanently -he would be most happy for her. Mary thought about this for a couple days and decided with John's blessing that she would go. On the day of the trip- John dropped Mary off at the train station not knowing if this was the last time he would see Mary. They said their teary goodbyes and then John left the station. 3-4 hours later John gets a call from Mary. Not knowing what it is he picks up. John asks Mary whats wrong? Mary said I hope you have travel insurance or at least I hope you can get a refund on this ticket? John ask why? She said she wan't going to see Bob. When pressed for a answer Mary said I no longer wish to see Bob because when you bought me the ticket it showed how you loved me so much you were willing to let go of everything- This is the person that I want to spend my life with. So the fairy tale ends - and they lived happily ever after. BTW this is a true story -but the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

My IC said set her free- she has free will if she returns then love fully!!- If she doesn't return -love fully!!

Anyways - Peace and Love to all!! Blessings!


M51 w50
T-20Yrs M-16Yrs
S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up
1 Awesum dog
BD 10/31/17
separate rooms 02/08/18
wife moved out 05/17/18

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Amazing story. And so appropriate for so many on this board trying to hold on to their spouse for dear life.

Really what John did was realize that he and Mary would never be happy together if half her heart was elsewhere. And that Bob would always be a presence, if not physically then in thought, in his and Mary's relationship.

Let her go...to get her back. Doesn't always work, but is much more effective then holding on for dear life.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 94
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sia Offline
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LW, that is such a great story. I hope R2C sees it and adds it to his quotes thread. Thank you for sharing that.

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Morning all,

Steve85, Sia I'm glad that story helped you. As for me I have started a new job this week with a start up company looking to move to the next level. I am excited about the opportunity and look forward to the challenge. My challenge now is to find my balance - I do not want to backslide and loose all the hard work therefore I have continued to go to the gym at 5am- i missed Monday just wanting to see how much I need to get ready but so far have continued. This is one area in my life i do not want to change. Before I was M - I was active and hardcore into the gym. I even did some training with W at first. I even went to the gym the day I got married. I shortly stopped after S was born. I take ownership of that. Now I want to find balance. This is why I may not post or be on here so often.

One thing I want to share with you guys is last night while saying prayers, my S says " Dear Lord please help mom open her eyes". Now I know not to mind read but I think it means he wants his family back together. He still does not talk to her or reply to her texts. I'm doing my best to stay clear. Earlier this week i was thanking him for his help in my transition letting him know my priorities are still on him and I asked him does he want to see IC in this transition? He said "No. I'm good" . Should i reach out to him and say Moms been gone for 4 months now - It seems she's made up her mind and we need to start accepting her decision but continue our best to have an awesome life -individually, together no matter what. Or should I just steer clear of the situation. I feel he seems to be stuck and may not want to accept it. Any thoughts and suggestions is welcomed.

For all that are out there - I am with you in prayer- Blessings!


M51 w50
T-20Yrs M-16Yrs
S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up
1 Awesum dog
BD 10/31/17
separate rooms 02/08/18
wife moved out 05/17/18

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