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A Message from Michele
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Weathering the Storm #2812435
09/14/18 03:30 AM
09/14/18 03:30 AM
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Coconut Offline OP
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It's been a bit, but I've decided to start a new thread.. Chose the title because I'm about to be hit by a hurricane for the better part of the next 48 hours.. Kinda [censored], but been there done that, I'll be fine (as long as one of my trees doesn't decide to fall on me). I figure I have a kayak if flooding becomes an issue, I have camp gear if power goes out,and I have a dislike of showers (and about 80 gallons of water stored) if water goes out...

So anyway, had the most amazing trip to Alaska with mom, so much quality time spent in a RV for two weeks, and many many amazing adventures experienced too boot. It will be an experience I'll forever cherish.

As far as finding "Love", I'm completely indifferent, bordering on avoidant.. I'm enjoying me for now, and for someone to change that they would have to be persuasive, but I'm enjoying time spent with friends, it provides an outlet.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2812455
09/14/18 11:58 AM
09/14/18 11:58 AM
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Southern Maryland
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Keeping you and all of the residents that are in the path of the hurricane in my thoughts and prayers. Please stay safe.




Previous Thread:

Open the Floodgates

Last edited by job; 09/14/18 12:03 PM. Reason: added link to previous thread
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2812460
09/14/18 12:35 PM
09/14/18 12:35 PM
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First, that Alaska trip sounds like quite and adventure, and how cool is it that you got to do that with your mom. It's a once in a life time experience.

Secondly, YOU STAYED?! Please be careful! Do you have a generator? I have lived without power for way too long with hurricaines Sandy and Irene (us northerners aren't quite prepared for those) and it was cold and very rough. You are obviously the rough and tough outdoorsman, so I am sure you'll be fine, but stay safe, please. Someone I graduated high school with is in Wilmington and he was posting videos (he is also staying) and he has a million trees on his property. So please, don't go outside, OK?

Let us know how you are doing?

P.S? A dislike for showers?

Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2812607
09/15/18 04:18 PM
09/15/18 04:18 PM
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All good, the winds have passed, now it will be a couple of days of rain and maybe the occasional gusts, so still possible to lose some trees. As of now, zero damage for me, and Im pretty elevated here, so flooding not an issue here, but many are still being forced to evacuate because the rivers are rising.

As for dislike of showers, I was being funny, cause when water goes out you don't get to take showers or baths. But I didn't lose water, I lost power for less than 24 hours and it's back on now.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2812683
09/16/18 01:14 PM
09/16/18 01:14 PM
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Southern Maryland
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I'm glad you and your property are okay. The forecasters are still saving more rain is coming and the people are not out of the woods yet. Stay safe down there!

Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: job] #2812748
09/17/18 12:53 AM
09/17/18 12:53 AM
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Originally Posted by job
I'm glad you and your property are okay. The forecasters are still saving more rain is coming and the people are not out of the woods yet. Stay safe down there!


This is my 13th or so hurricane, I am, to say the least, I am used to to preparation and "sounds" they make (especially the winds at night).. But I have to say that the flooding is completely different here.. Back home, flooding is localized based on where the rain falls, I used to deal with hurricanes at 5 feet above sea level, but everyone else was also, so I didn't have to worry about their rain becoming my problem.

But now that I'm inland and elevated, river basins are a whole new issue with hurricanes. I'm fine, I'm over 100' above the closest River, but that River is expected to rise 60 feet, there are many people who aren't so lucky. Back home in FL, the winds were the issue you had to deal with, but here it's a two pronged attack. I will be going back to real life tomorrow, back to work it is, but there are many people who will be struggling for awhile to get back to normal, pray for them, they didn't want or ask for this.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2815171
10/01/18 12:19 AM
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Someone in my fishing forum posted about the loss of his wife, he admitted to putting a gun to his head but putting it down when he thought of his kids.. I posted about his wife passing away knowing about him choosing to love her to the end, that he needs to move forward honoring her by living the life she would want for him..

It brought up memories of a lady my ex and I worked with, she had at the least an emotional A with our boss before she died of an brain aneurysm at 39 (shortly before my ex started with her A).. I'll never forget him holding it together at the funeral, even feeling like he was happy with the way things unfolded.. I do know they had dated for 14 years before they married, happily, and they had only married 2 or 3 years before.

I remember having thoughts of receiving knocks at the door that my wife was killed and how much that thought hurt, but the pain I imagined didn't compare to what I lived through...

I now understand what I saw, a husband that had a unfaithful wife die and how he was able to handle the funeral like he did..

I find myself wondering what would hurt worse, having a faithful wife die, or finding out my wife was unfaithful.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2815185
10/01/18 05:16 AM
10/01/18 05:16 AM
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I'd guess unfaithful. Both are the loss of your spouse. Divorce is also accompanied by disillusionment of human relationships.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2815191
10/01/18 09:52 AM
10/01/18 09:52 AM
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i too vote for unfaithful. one of my closest friends lost her husband to cancer a few years before my husband went off the deep end. We often talk about our similar feelings of loss, but the glaring difference is that she maintained at first that at least i had the hope of seeing exh and that as long as he was alive he could perhaps turn it around and be the person he was for most of our marriage.

now, well, she gets it: the pain of having someone who looks and sounds like your beloved spouse but behaves like an entirely different person wandering around, having to deal with that person because of kids, etc. Both death and divorce hurt immensely, but divorce ... eh, there's so much more that goes along with that: betrayal, disillusionment as Zues said, etc.


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


ďYour task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.Ē - Rumi
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2815274
10/01/18 04:38 PM
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Being myself a former WH I agree with all of you. My W had said to me that I hurt her more than the cancer she had 13 years ago...

Tearing now...


WW H(me): 49
W: 44
T: 24 M: 19
S: 14
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2815279
10/01/18 05:11 PM
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I actually told my ex that I wish he would have died instead because it would have been easier to know that he wasn't gone because of heart-breaking, gut-wrenching betrayal. To know that it wasn't his choice to leave his family.

Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2815313
10/01/18 07:13 PM
10/01/18 07:13 PM
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I think unfaithful would be MUCH more difficult to deal with. During our marriage, my XH had some very serious health issues and almost died very early in our marriage and it was a difficult time for us, as it is tough to hear a doctor say your newlywed husband is not likely to survive til morning. However, the pain that was a result of that experience was NOTHING compared to the pain I felt when I found out he'd been seeing someone else near the end of our marriage and he quickly chose her over me. I totally understand what Ginger is saying above. Death would be tough, but would be easier to get over than a blatant, gut-wrenching betrayal.


Me 49, XH 51
3 adult daughters from his first marriage
3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter
My 1st marriage, his 2nd
BD 9/29/2014
H moved out 10/6/2014
H filed D 11/4/2014
D final 12/17/2014
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2815338
10/01/18 08:09 PM
10/01/18 08:09 PM
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I had an interesting conversation a couple of weeks ago at the butcher shop with a widow who works there.

Her husband passed on about 5 years ago and she mentioned that she's still reluctant to date although her kids are pushing her to. I could see the hurt in her eyes when she talked about how wonderful her marriage had been. I think it would require one heck of a guy to step in to his shoes.

I think that's one big difference for us. If my ex had died and died without an affair being involved, my house would undoubtedly have lots of pictures up of us as a happy family and I would have pretty much only good memories. Yes we had our ups and downs. We had talked about it like many couples do and I do think that I would not even be considering a new partner at my time of life if she had died. Now though I've scrubbed her from my life and home and any potential new partner has a pretty low bar to cross to be better than her.

The OM my ex went after was a widower. His first wife was an active part of the community, a mother and grandmother. Filling those ghostly shoes would be quite tough I would think and she will always be competing against the memory of her predecessor.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2815696
10/03/18 03:55 PM
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I think we all agree, I know I do. I was going state that the hardes thing form me is the negative emotions/feelings to those 10 years of my life, I didn't just lose my spouse, I lost 10 years of what would have otherwise been good memories.

Dawn posted awhile back about the importance of forgiving the WS, and while I completely agree I just am not there. I've erased her from my life and that might just have been so I didn't have to forgive her. Maybe one day I will find that forgiveness and be able to look back with some sort of "good" feeling.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2815697
10/03/18 03:56 PM
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forgot to end the first paragraph with "but I don't need to because AndrewP stated it well".


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2815732
10/03/18 04:44 PM
10/03/18 04:44 PM
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Originally Posted by Coconut
Maybe one day I will find that forgiveness and be able to look back with some sort of "good" feeling.


Coconut,

Even without forgiveness, you can achieve that good feeling in so many constructive and positive ways. For example, you could send your ex a fresh turd in one of those FedEx overnight packages.

Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2815741
10/03/18 06:42 PM
10/03/18 06:42 PM
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Originally Posted by Coconut
I think we all agree, I know I do. I was going state that the hardes thing form me is the negative emotions/feelings to those 10 years of my life, I didn't just lose my spouse, I lost 10 years of what would have otherwise been good memories.

Dawn posted awhile back about the importance of forgiving the WS, and while I completely agree I just am not there. I've erased her from my life and that might just have been so I didn't have to forgive her. Maybe one day I will find that forgiveness and be able to look back with some sort of "good" feeling.


I think everyone gets to things at their own pace, in their own time. For me, honestly, the forgiveness was more about healing for myself than anything to do with him. I still think he's an ass and I still think he behaved badly through some of what went on, but it just ceases to matter to me anymore. I needed to forgive to move on, so I did. I won't necessarily say that I look back with only good memories. Most of my good memories from that time frame revolve around the girls or other family members, not him. It sounds weird and I don't really know how to explain, but what I do know is that ultimately, forgiveness was the gift I gave myself (yes, corny and clichť) and it suited me. I'm living my best life.


Me 49, XH 51
3 adult daughters from his first marriage
3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter
My 1st marriage, his 2nd
BD 9/29/2014
H moved out 10/6/2014
H filed D 11/4/2014
D final 12/17/2014
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2815749
10/03/18 07:45 PM
10/03/18 07:45 PM
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Originally Posted by Ginger1
I actually told my ex that I wish he would have died instead because it would have been easier to know that he wasn't gone because of heart-breaking, gut-wrenching betrayal. To know that it wasn't his choice to leave his family.


I've thought the same thing many times, though I never said it. D is more like your spouse committing suicide than just an unfortunate death. At what point did you say this to your XH, Ginger?

Originally Posted by doodler

Even without forgiveness, you can achieve that good feeling in so many constructive and positive ways. For example, you could send your ex a fresh turd in one of those FedEx overnight packages.


Doodler dude, I've missed you!

Originally Posted by Coconut
Dawn posted awhile back about the importance of forgiving the WS, and while I completely agree I just am not there. I've erased her from my life and that might just have been so I didn't have to forgive her. Maybe one day I will find that forgiveness and be able to look back with some sort of "good" feeling.


Forgiveness is something I still struggle with. My IC has implied I can't really move on to another R until I've forgiven my XW. I recently went through all the pics on my phone and deleted every pic of her - I don't need any triggers. I do know there were some good times in the M, but everything still feels tainted by this dark cloud. Does the cloud go away, or do we chose to just ignore it?


Me-47,XW-43
S13,S16
M:18
BD:4-23-17
W filed:7-17-17
(5 months of in-house separation hell)
W moved out:1-6-18
D granted:2-15-18
Decree signed:3-29-18

Your future is out there. Go find it.
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Holding] #2815906
10/04/18 07:14 PM
10/04/18 07:14 PM
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Originally Posted by Holding
Forgiveness is something I still struggle with. My IC has implied I can't really move on to another R until I've forgiven my XW. I recently went through all the pics on my phone and deleted every pic of her - I don't need any triggers. I do know there were some good times in the M, but everything still feels tainted by this dark cloud. Does the cloud go away, or do we chose to just ignore it?
The cloud moves off to another part of the sky. Like you, I purged pretty much everything related to my own XW. She's been gone for over 2 years now and I can go multiple days without having any thoughts at all of her. When I do think of her it's in the context of someone I don't really like.

I do have buried in my Google Drive a bunch of pictures that include pictures of her / us. I don't look at them but don't want to throw them out. That time was a part of my life and lots of it was good. It's just not part of my current life.

I've not forgiven her and never will. My own approach is one of not caring. Most days that's where I am. A few things still trigger a fairly mild version of anger but that's getting less and less. The fact that I don't have to deal with her in any fashion other than sending her her monthly payment helps. And even that is annoying in the same context as it's annoying to have to pay a utility bill.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2817635
10/16/18 12:22 PM
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So made a pretty big change yesterday, I now have a roommate... Well, a part-time roommate, he's an officer (a dentist) in the army and him and his wife live about 1 1/2 hrs away from the base (she's in medical school there), so he wanted to find a room to use Mon - Thu nights. I've never had a roommate, wasn't really looking for one, but when I really thought about the opportunity for the passive income while still having the house to myself on the weekends, I went ahead and jumped.

On a personal level, it will be nice to have some company around the house at times, living alone can get a too quiet at times. On a financial level, it will be nice to have "free income" to be able to send my son a little more spending money without it affecting my savings and disposable income. I think this will go a long way towards my goal of being financially able to retire in 10 years (at 55), I will probably continue working until 60 but If I do, I want it to be because I choose to do so, not because I don't have an option.

Anyway, not much going on R wise in my life, I'm fine with that, I don't want it enough to put any effort into it which frees me up to just enjoy myself.. I do enjoy my life right now, I've been getting back into the swing of doing things around the house, been spending time with friends, still camping and fishing, and with this fall weather that has recently hit, been doing a lot of hiking with Tink (my dog).

oh, and I've decided to learn how to play the guitar, been looking around for a good deal on one.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2817663
10/16/18 02:07 PM
10/16/18 02:07 PM
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I've always wanted to learn to play the guitar. Good luck with that. And, good luck with the roommate. I hope it is a good and positive experience for you.


Me 49, XH 51
3 adult daughters from his first marriage
3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter
My 1st marriage, his 2nd
BD 9/29/2014
H moved out 10/6/2014
H filed D 11/4/2014
D final 12/17/2014
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2817669
10/16/18 02:35 PM
10/16/18 02:35 PM
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Glad to hear from you Cnut. Music is magic man. You are entering a new world doing that. Itīs like learning to ride a bike, once you start you wonīt end it.

Any news from your S?


WW H(me): 49
W: 44
T: 24 M: 19
S: 14
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: neffer] #2817673
10/16/18 02:46 PM
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Originally Posted by neffer

Any news from your S?


He is doing well in school, feels like he is on top of everything. I'm going to visit him at school this coming weekend, we are going to go to Halloween Horror Nights while im there.. I always wanted to take him, but he was never a fan of haunted houses, but now that he's older (and braver lol) he is looking forward to it.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2817679
10/16/18 03:10 PM
10/16/18 03:10 PM
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What a fearless men! Enjoy it but donīt repress the screams, nobody is going to tell.


WW H(me): 49
W: 44
T: 24 M: 19
S: 14
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2817726
10/16/18 06:12 PM
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Good job on the roommate - that sounds ideal!
And go for it with the guitar - I learned to play the drums at 53 during my divorce and it was the best thing I ever did. Joined an adult rock band class (think "School of Rock" for grownups) and ended up playing in a punk rock cover band for several years. Picked up vibraphone and glockenspiel on the way and have toured professionally with my best friend who is a professional singer/songwriter. I'm living proof that you can teach old dogs - or middle aged moms - new tricks!

Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2817737
10/16/18 06:50 PM
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Great kml! I play bass and I usually play some nights at some places here where I live. We have a rock and roll band. Music is the best anti stress therapy.


WW H(me): 49
W: 44
T: 24 M: 19
S: 14
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2818834
10/23/18 03:38 PM
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What a great weekend.. Drove down to FL to see my son this weekend, he's in Orlando so it's about 3 hours less to drive there than down to Ft. Lauderdale which was nice (but still a long drive). Saturday we spent most of the day just doing what he does on a daily basis on campus, he showed me around to all of his classes, library, gym, cafeteria, student union, etc.. It was nice to get a glimpse into his new life, he got a roommate while I was there, so it was nice to get to meet him (my son had the dorm to himself but the other guys room flooded so they reassigned him).

He stayed at the hotel with me Sat night, we played board games and checkers in the lobby until midnight or so, then Sunday there was some special Pokťmon Go event going on at his school, he really wanted to do it so we walked around campus again catching pokemon.. He played it when he was younger but had stopped, but picked it back up since there are soooo many students that play (there are a lot of special pokemon features around his campus) and he has a good time with it. I have to admit, it was a pretty fun event, I couldn't believe how many people were participating and with everyone doing the same thing, everyone was very open and welcoming, you end up meeting a lot of new people playing it.

anyway, went to Halloween Horror Nights Sunday night, it was a blast. I gotta say, the express passes were very pricey, but I'm very happy I got them. We managed to do all the haunted houses and a few other rides since we never had to wait more than 10 minutes in any line. We followed a couple of people walking into an unmarked opening in the wall and ended up in Diagon Alley, it was such a cool surprise.. neither of us had ever been there or even knew it existed in universal studios (we had been to Hogsmeade in islands of adventure several times). There was something really cool about getting lost in a hidden world that you didn't know was there (which is the basis of the wizarding world), it was a great experience.

I can't tell you all how proud I am of him, his goal right now is to try and get into medical school which I knew, but I wasn't aware of everything he is doing now to help prepare him for that. He is signing up for every workshop he can find, he has talked with panels of Dr.'s to get the inside scoop on what is really important when applying for med school (he said his biggest takeaway was to do what he has passion for, not just to get check marks on an application). He has joined the biology and chemistry club's (his major is biology), he's applied to be part of a research group to research the effects hurricane Maria had on diabetics (such as loss of power and difficulty in keeping insulin refrigerated, finding healthy food to eat, etc.) in Puerto Rico.

I asked about his girlfriend and he told me that before he left for school he was having a hard time in his R (which I knew), that he told her he wasn't in love with her anymore (weeks before he left for school), but they agreed to continue seeing each to see if they can make it work. At first I thought he meant like, seeing each other but others too, and he quickly corrected me and said that he was a one relationship person, that he is committed to her even though he doesn't feel that "spark"... Then he added (which I was impressed with) "I didn't love her when we first started dating, so I'm giving the R time to see if I can be feel in Love with her again". I know she's been up there to visit him a couple of times and he's gone back home a couple of times, so they are still seeing each other every couple of weeks. Regardless of if the R lasts or not, I was pretty impressed with his understanding that losing the "feeling" of love didn't mean that the R should just be ended.

As for me, I've been keeping busy, I do a lot of the same things (camping, fishing, etc.) most of the time, although in new places, I feel like ya'll don't want to keep hearing about the same things over and over, so I don't post much of that. I am not currently "looking" for anyone, so there aren't any stories to tell there, but if someone pops up i'll be sure to mention it. I've only been able to practice on the guitar 3 nights so far (been out of town or out on the town the other nights), but i'm enjoying it and want to focus on one thing at a time to really get a good feel for it before moving to the next (strumming, chords, etc.). It's going to be a slow process but I want to do it right. So far things with my renter are working out well, he gets home around 8:30 and is in his room within an hour and is gone before I get out of bed in the morning.. working out great so far.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2818897
10/23/18 07:54 PM
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It sounds like your son is coming into his own. Medical school sounds wonderful. He's ambitious and that's a good thing.

It continually blows my mind when I think of how quickly they grow up.

Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2818995
10/24/18 12:18 PM
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Yes, we must teach them how to fly but we canīt follow their flight.

Congrats on your S Coco, be as proud of him as I know you are.


WW H(me): 49
W: 44
T: 24 M: 19
S: 14
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2826272
12/07/18 02:03 PM
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Been awhile since i've posted, I've been coming on the site and reading a few updates every now and then, but when you don't keep up with the threads on a regular basis it can be very difficult to catch up with what's going on. Anyway, I thought I'd go ahead and post a quick update.

Things have been busy but not much new in my life, fall is definitely the busiest part of my year, I've been out of town every other weekend since I went to Alaska back in August; a lot of camping and/or fishing trips, I've visited my son at school and back home with the rest of my family and friends, and have been enjoying what have been very good life moments. I think the toughest thing about going back home is spending time with friends, I mean real friends, and realizing that I don't have that connection with anyone here. My closest friends in NC are people I've meet in my fishing club, but there isn't anyone local, so although I have a bond with them when we get together, they aren't the kind of friends that come over and just hang out, it's almost always some sort of event when we meet up.

Although I probably could spend more time with local acquaintances (guys), I haven't met anyone that I just click with or that interests me to hang out with regularly. We go out to restaurants, clubs, bars, events, but I just haven't made a connection with anyone that made me want to spend more time hanging out. It may be just that I haven't spent enough quality time with them to learn enough to find interest, whatever the reason, it just hasn't happened.

I have been pretty happy being single and haven't put any effort into dating, but I think that's starting to change. One thing I have noticed is that my anger/hatred towards my ex has really been diminishing, or at least as we all know, as time goes on the number of good days increase in comparison to bad days, but now the bad days are so far apart I don't even remember the last time I've had one. Anyway, I read DonH's posts about how much fun he had with WG and how he misses those times, Gingers posts about working her way into a R and enjoying the journey, and Dawn's posts about being engaged and it all makes me kind of want that. It's easy to not miss having a companion when you haven't had one for awhile, but reading about the joys of companionship starts the seeds of longing to grow, so I think I may get back out there soon, I'm pretty busy through new years, but I may start dating again after that (or maybe sooner if I meet someone organically).

I'm having a Christmas party tomorrow, about 23 people confirmed, but now we have a major winter storm that's coming in and gonna hit the area, just not clear if it will be Sat night or early Sun morning, or if it will be rain or snow, we will be on the edge of a cold front and a low (warm air), so they aren't able to pinpoint exactly where the snow will stop. My plan was to have music, bonfire and tables and chairs set up outside and kind of split people between indoors and outdoors, but this storm may change that. My house is decent size, but it could end up getting pretty cozy with that many people all inside at once, we shall see..

ok, gotta get back to work.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2826704
12/10/18 01:09 PM
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Thanks for the update Coco. Glad to read you are keeping GAL and have seen your S.

So you are thinking about getting into the dating scene? Good.

Keep moving Coco!


WW H(me): 49
W: 44
T: 24 M: 19
S: 14
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2827196
12/12/18 02:24 PM
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Hey coco! Happy Birthday! Sounds like you are living your best life! I know ti is hard to leave behind some close friends, but I don't doubt you will make new ones. You sound like you are having fun, staying connected with your family and just living as you should. I'm sure you'll find a lovely lady to enjoy some adventures with you.

And a hosting 23 people? God bless you. Sounds like lots of fun, though!

Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2827449
12/13/18 03:30 PM
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thank you Ginger, I had a nice birthday.. The party dwindled down to 15 people, the weather forecast scared some people away, although it rained all day in town I never got a drop at my house so it worked out perfect. We played "Never Have I Ever", and I realized that I've had quite a few life experiences, I was constantly drinking cause I had done almost all of the things said... It definitely stood out to the group; while I'm a pretty laid back and responsible person, I've always lived by the motto that i'll try almost anything once...


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2828489
12/18/18 08:19 PM
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Originally Posted by Coconut
I don't go to newcomers too often anymore because it does bring up a lot of bad memories and I have to much empathy for those just beginning the journey, it's not enjoyable reliving that..
I understand. I had to take a break. Decided I had to pay it forward. In the supporting role, It still helps clarify things for me.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2831099
01/04/19 02:01 PM
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Good morning ya'll, hope everyone enjoyed their holidays.. I went back home to spend Christmas with my friends and Fam for a week and it was a really good time, then back in NC for New Years but didn't go out, just wasn't feeling a crazy night in the middle of the week so just watched it on tv. My roommate (who only stays with me 3 nights a week) took two weeks off after Christmas so I had the place to myself...

But when I got home from work yesterday he was there, I just assumed he had to go back to work early. So while I was getting the grill ready to make dinner he comes out and tells me that he was kicked out of his house by his wife. He said that they've been having issues for awhile but things had blown up that day and she kicked him out. He is convinced they are going to divorce (been M - 1 1/2 yrs, T- 5 yrs) and started asking me questions about the process, I told him the importance of trying to work things out but suggested he speak with a L to find out where he stands financially, then he busts out with "I don't think it can be saved, I cheated on her during my last deployment" (he got back 4 months ago) and she found out. I told him that was a scumbag thing to do, but that if he was committed it could possibly still be saved. He then started in on the complaints about her, one of them being "My wife's really pretty, but as soon as we got married she started gaining weight"... It pissed me off that he was complaining about something so shallow because I knew he was just trying to justify his actions, he didn't show any remorse or desire to work things out, so I didn't share this site with him.

He asked if it was ok if he stayed full weeks for a bit while he figures things out and I told him that was fine for a few weeks but if he wasn't working things out and moving back home soon, he would need to find another place to live.

I really have no interest in being friendly with people who have an A, so the thought of him being around more for the next 3-4 weeks isn't sitting well with me. I'm not just going to boot him out with no where to go but I'm not willing to let him draw things out either.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2833650
01/21/19 05:44 AM
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So, I met a girl last weekend while out downtown, BUT sheís less than half my age... Iíve kept her in the friend zone, just having fun when hanging out (we have some similar interests). Sheís leaving the country in 6 months and I feel like she wants more than friendship and Iím torn.. Iíd never seek out someone so young, but I have to admit it is flattering and would be fun for awhile, Iím struggling on wether to keep her at arms length or just go with it. Long term isnít in the cards, so Iím pretty tempted to just have fun in the short term. What do yíall think? Is it a bad idea that might interfere with long term goal of meeting someone serious?


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2833671
01/21/19 02:07 PM
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Is she over 21?

Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2833673
01/21/19 02:23 PM
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C'Nut - my own opinion is to have some fun.

A rebound with the expectation that it is just temporary would probably do you no end of good. Yes - most of us undoubtedly want that happily ever after but if there's nothing on the horizon for that then why not? If you are both open about the idea of a good time and not a long time then you've got nothing to lose and a lot to gain.

On the other hand it could all be in your imagination too - so tread carefully as you don't want to lose what sounds like a nice friend. Someone here gave me the helpful line "You can't blame me for asking" if you are over-stepping.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2833674
01/21/19 02:25 PM
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Have fun.....dont get emotionally attached.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: TBSakaJ9] #2833681
01/21/19 02:55 PM
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Coconut Offline OP
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Originally Posted by Ginger1
Is she over 21?

Sheís 22.


Originally Posted by AndrewP
C'Nut - my own opinion is to have some fun.

On the other hand it could all be in your imagination too - so tread carefully as you don't want to lose what sounds like a nice friend. Someone here gave me the helpful line "You can't blame me for asking" if you are over-stepping.

If im wrong about the signals sheís putting out Iíll be shocked, but I think Iím going to stop holding back and just go with it.


Originally Posted by Joseph9
Have fun.....dont get emotionally attached.

Yeah, Iím thinking you are right, just enjoy the moment or months, however it plays out.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2833682
01/21/19 02:57 PM
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Hang out. Hook up and have fun!!


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2833686
01/21/19 03:15 PM
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Coconut,

I'm in agreement with the others; both of you are adults, and as long as both of you are honest with each other, then why not give it a try? Of course, if it gets serious, then then you'll have to decide whether or not you want a family. But it's a least a couple of months before you'll be having that conversation. wink

On the other hand, if I were her father, I'd probably have to beat your @ss.

Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2840413
03/05/19 06:18 PM
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Before I start, I'll give a quick update on my previous post, nothing ever happened with the much younger lady, after I kind of pushed her away the day that I posted about above, she ghosted me. I texted her once after that day but she never responded. My guess is that after she came on so strong and when I pushed her back she had had enough and disappeared.

My mom is selling the family home; my brother has been living with her since my father died a few years ago but my brother got a job a few hours away and is closing on his new house today. Once he moves my mother will be putting her house up for sale and is looking to buy a house that has a MIL suite with my sister and her family (about an hour north). I'm happy that she is moving in with my sis as I think it will be better for her than living alone, but I realized that having her house was like a lifeline for me with my old life. I still have friends and other family that I can stay with when I go to FL, but my moms was always the gathering spot, and her selling it is going to completely alter family gatherings, holidays, etc. That, plus my ex moved out of FL with her boyfriend, so now my son has a mom, dad and biological father that all live in different states. I'm not sure how it will play out with me seeing him as often as I used to, but for the next few years he will still be in school and It is easy for me to go see him there, in fact I'm going down there in two weeks to go see the "impractical jokers" tour with him at his school.

As for me, I've been dating a little bit, I haven't found anyone that I want to spend a lot of time with and move towards a R, but I'm having a hard time figuring out if it's because I'm happy with my life as it is and am resisting letting someone in too close, or if it's just that I haven't found someone that matters enough to me to do so. I am not in a rush and my life is pretty full as it is.

Had an interesting conversation with my son yesterday, he told me that my ex's mother and step father separated and were going to be getting a divorce. Apparently my sons step-grandfather called him to let him know, told my son that its been bad for awhile, that they had grown apart and it's been something that has been working up to this point. Then my son said that when he talked to his mother about it later, she told him a different story. Apparently while he was out of town (he's a pilot and is out of town every other week) he called his wife and told her that he wanted a divorce, then when he got home he packed up his stuff and moved in with another woman.

My son then started talking to me about not knowing how to feel about it, that he was torn between disliking his grandfather for what he had done, or recognizing that it wasn't up to him to judge him and just hold on to some sort of relationship with him.

That was a difficult conversation for me to figure out what to say, and probably even more important what not to say. I always thought that my son figured out that my ex had an A, but after that conversation I don't think he ever put two and two together (even though she once told him that the reason I had been so upset about something was because I didn't like her having a friend of hers).

Anyway, it got my mind wandering about what if any impact that situation might have had on my ex, on seeing someone else close to her experience the bomb drop. I didn't dwell on it, but I did wonder about it for a little while.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2840425
03/05/19 07:14 PM
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Originally Posted by Coconut
That was a difficult conversation for me to figure out what to say, and probably even more important what not to say. I always thought that my son figured out that my ex had an A, but after that conversation I don't think he ever put two and two together (even though she once told him that the reason I had been so upset about something was because I didn't like her having a friend of hers).


Coconut,

I'd bet your son knows exactly why you and your ex-wife divorced.

Coincidentally, this morning I read a Psychology Today article about the impact of divorce on the children. The author mentioned that children of divorce have a higher probability that they'll be divorced as well. (Divorce is the gift that keeps on giving.) One of the things that the author said that really struck me is that, because she'd been through her parents divorce, she didn't view marriage as something that's permanent. I decided that I'm going to have a talk with my sons, probably several times, to make certain that they understand marriage is meant to be permanent, in sickness and in health, and to make sure their potential mates understand that as well. I don't know if it'll make any difference, but I'm going to do my best to emblazon that on their brains.

Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2840433
03/05/19 07:48 PM
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I don't know. I think that kids can be pretty oblivious. Especially if there is no obvious drama. Buying the story that "Mom wasn't happy" and then "Hey - Mom's got a boyfriend - glad she's happy" is easily done. After all - why would Mom lie?


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: doodler] #2840438
03/05/19 08:08 PM
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I always thought he knew, but after our conversation, I don't think he does. I'm happy if he doesn't, in no way would it benefit him to know, and I'd rather he not have resentment towards his mother. I am very close with my mom and I want him to have the same thing.

Originally Posted by doodler
I decided that I'm going to have a talk with my sons, probably several times, to make certain that they understand marriage is meant to be permanent, in sickness and in health, and to make sure their potential mates understand that as well. I don't know if it'll make any difference, but I'm going to do my best to emblazon that on their brains.



I completely agree with you on this doodler. I have had several R talks with him in the past, we've discussed detachment, love being a choice, both people in a R being happy on their own and sharing that, etc. In this conversation, I wasn't sure I wanted to discuss how to feel about or treat someone who had an A, so I focused more on relationships in general. The importance of being open and honest in a R (if you're not happy say so), choosing to love someone and work on the R even when things are tough, the best of way to make changes in a R is to make changes in yourself, etc.. I'm hopeful that talking with him about these things every so often will help make a difference in his future relationships.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2840439
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Aw shucks Andrew, let's settle this like men. If you're right, I'll give you three dozen peanut butter cookies. If I'm right, then I'd like a German chocolate cake.

Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2840442
03/05/19 08:20 PM
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If I had a son there would be so many things I would tell them about marriage. I wish my dad had sat me down and had the talk.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2840481
03/05/19 10:51 PM
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This is a hard topic and i donít necessarily think there is an answer. Itís what feels right to you.

I have been honest at an age appropriate level with my son. And when heís older and asks more questions I will continue to be honest. I feel like I have nothing to hide and I do not want to be dishonest in order to protect my exís actions from my son. I always act in a way that I think is best for my son. I do not say nasty things about my ex. I make sure things run smoothly for their visits. But I want to be honest.

My exís mother lied to my ex so that he never knew about their marital issues, about his dad leaving them and the coming back later etc. He thought that the way his mom and dad were was healthy and normal. he thought his dad was out provdiding for them. But I wonder what that type of secrecy does, cause as a young kid he had to have questions, he had to have known something was off.. I donít want a repeat in patterns.

Again, everyone is different. My son knows my ex left me, not him. That my ex has problems and thatís why he left us and doesnít see him as much as other dads see their kids. That when he grows up he will never leave his kids


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2840484
03/05/19 11:13 PM
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Juju,

Good point, but so it is clear, I havenít, nor will I, lie to my son... if he ever asks me the question, I will make sure he wants an answer and if so, I will tell him. But I donít think he will ever ask, he has never even mentioned his mother to me until our conversation yesterday, and he rarely brings up anything about the past, he lives in the moment.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2840490
03/05/19 11:50 PM
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I can give a little input on this topic as a parent and as a teen.

I was 17 when my dad left my mom. And yes, he cheated. And yes, he married OW. Itís much more complicated than that, but, from my perspective.....

I knew what my dad did. But my dad was my world, the one who raised me and I didnít want to know about it so I avoided asking for a long time. I just didnít want to know. I just wanted him to be my dad. I wanted out of their issues

As a parent.... my daughter has come right out recently and asked me if her father cheated on her. I at first asked her ď do you really want to know? Is this going to benefit you at all? Then I distracted her with the cookie stand we were going to, because she is 11 I can distract her with cookies.

I will tell her the truth when I have to. Not with angst and bitterness, just with truth. I dread the day it comes that I have to answer it because I donít want her relationship ruined with her dad and stepmom. But like juju, my daughter does know this wasnít my choice.
Tough stuff. Itís unfortunately. It in any parenting book

Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2841581
03/13/19 02:00 PM
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Thank you for your perspective Ginger, it seems that you have a very good relationship with your father, so knowing doesn't seem to guarantee a loss of parent / child R. Loved the cookie distraction method, hilarious.

I joined a new singles group a about a month ago on facebook, most of the members live in a city about an hour north of me, but there are some members that live in areas between the two cities. I live on the very northern edge of my city, I'm about 30 minutes north of downtown of my city and about an hour south of the cities downtown north of me, so I decided the distance wouldn't be a deal breaker, mostly because I just haven't met many people who live near me so I'm always driving anyway. So anyway, I met up with the group two weeks ago for a night out at a dueling piano bar, I've always enjoyed going to those and it was a lot of fun. I ended up having a nice conversation with a lady who is 8 yrs older than me albeit looks very young for her age (lets call her smalls since she is like 5' 100lbs, but not frail). I didn't see it as anything other than getting to know someone in the group (wasn't trying to pick her up), but I enjoyed the conversation and ended up talking to her for a couple of hours.

During our conversation, another girl from the group came up to us and before I had even noticed she was there I heard her say something about dancing, my thought was that she knew smalls and had said that we both should join in with everyone dancing. I wasn't in the mood to dance and was enjoying the conversation so I declined and after confirming that I didn't want to dance she walked away. I ended up leaving before the night was over since I had a early morning apt the next day. There was a group picnic the next day that I went to, smalls was there and we talked a little, but I there was another lady there that I wanted to talk to so spent most of my time with her.

That day (day after the piano bar), the girl who had asked about dancing contacted me and told me that I should have danced with her. Although I thought she was saying we should all dance, she in fact had specifically asked me to dance with her, I told her that I had misunderstood what she asked and would have danced with her if I knew that was what she was asking. Anyway, we ended up talking for awhile and made plans for a date last Saturday, I was going to take her to a distillery for a tour and then go out to dinner. on Thursday, she told me her father had rented a beach house for the family so she had to cancel the date.

Since I was looking forward to the distillery tour (they make rum and moonshine, and I've never been to a distillery) I contacted smalls and invited her. She had plans with her son during the day and couldn't go, but invited me to a country bar that she was going to that night with some friends, I accepted the invite since I really enjoy country bars, although I've taken line dance lessons I don't really dance, but enjoy watching the ladies dance.. Ladies in tight jeans dancing around Is just sexy. Anyway, there was a guy at the club who was trying to hit on smalls, so she asked me to stay close so she could shake this guy. I had a really good time, we laughed, danced a little and towards the end of the night we were slow dancing and I ended up kissing her, throughout the night I had become really attracted to her.

All that to say that I'm not sure how I feel about her being so much older than me. Right now, you would never know that she is 8 yrs my senior, she is very attractive, active, healthy, etc. But it does give me pause when I think what the age difference may be like in 5 or 10 years. I do realize the hypocrisy of this, being that women frequently get involved with guys 8 yrs, or more, their senior and I had infact had just recently made a date with a lady 12 yrs my junior (in fairness she told me she prefers "older men"). I guess my main concern is that I live an active outdoor lifestyle and it's important to me that my "partner" be able to partake in that with me (not all the time but occasionally)..


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2841590
03/13/19 03:31 PM
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C'Nut - I think there is a bias among single people of both genders towards younger potential partners. It's just that men get away with it more than women.

If you look at the long game, women tend to live longer than me and are often healthier as they age I believe. Also if you want to be a bit more "practical" if they have a good pension they can retire before you, you've got a stay at home partner who also has an income and the energy to still be active.

I think some women look at a mature guy as being perhaps more stable and in some cases a jump start on a comfortable life without the struggling middle part. But then what happens when we aren't as active and they are still in their prime?

I was given some excellent advice a couple of months ago here. It was to look at the person more so than the package and the externals. Especially with OLD it's easy to just "swipe left". It seems to have worked rather well for me at present.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2841609
03/13/19 06:33 PM
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Coconut - I don't remember how old you are or what stage of life you are in - that can make a big difference.

Example - if you're young and think you might like to have another kid one day, dating a woman 8 years older is a dumb idea.

On the other hand, if you're 50 and she's a vibrant sexually active 58 - she's still likely to outlive you.

Longevity runs in my family (mom is 87 and just retired last year, her mother lived to be 99).

I think that this is actually a smaller age gap than the other way around - that is, a guy 8 years older than I am is likely to die 10-20 years earlier than me, whereas a guy 10 years younger might last as long as me.

I DO think though that some men's egos can't handle dating a woman who is older - because some men are used to being the "older, wiser. more powerful" person. My ex-husband was 4 years younger than I (we married when I was 30 and he was 26, which was a bit of a gap) and I think on some level it always rankled him, especially as I was his professional equal and he knew that I did better than him on exams in school (which I never felt was significant - his type of intelligence is different than mine but equally valid - but it bothered him). When he left he ended up marrying a girl 19 years younger who acts like she's 15 and is not quite his equal in terms of professional accomplishment (although she is a professional). I think she's fine but that there's a part of him that enjoys NOT being in an equal relationship.

For the record, since my divorce in my early 50's, I've dated one man who was a couple of years older. All the others just happened to be younger - ranging from 9 years (Mr Big Lots) to 7 years (crazy ex-BF) to 3 years (CMM). In none of those relationships was my age a factor in any way. The only times it was a factor was a couple of dates who were waaaay to young for me.(More than 15 years). Still friends with them though.

Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2841618
03/13/19 07:26 PM
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Oh and btw - not an intentional act on my part but guys a little younger than I am are more likely to still be sexually functional if you get my drift. Sex isn't everything but if a woman is postmenopausal and still sexually vibrant you probably have no worries going forward - if she's lost interest in sex after menopause that's a different situation.

Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: kml] #2841712
03/14/19 12:32 PM
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Originally Posted by AndrewP

I was given some excellent advice a couple of months ago here. It was to look at the person more so than the package and the externals.


Interesting thought, I will admit the age difference kept me from thinking of her in a romantic way initially, but as I spent more time with her and got to know her a little, I stopped seeing the age difference and started becoming attracted to her.

Originally Posted by kml

I DO think though that some men's egos can't handle dating a woman who is older - because some men are used to being the "older, wiser. more powerful" person.

Thank you for your input, gave me some insight that is helpful, especially the menopause thing, not really something I've ever talked about or thought about. To answer your question, I'm 46 and she is 54.

Everyone I've ever been in a relationship with in the past has been very attractive, I've always dated up as they say. When I first decided to start dating last year I tried to convince myself that I wasn't going to limit myself to what I've been used to, but that's not been an easy thing to get past. I've often found myself thinking about what others would think of "her" when I'm out on dates, I don't like that I do that, but it's not a habit that's easy to break. Over time, I've been able to think about that less and have tried to replace that thought with a good ol' "I don't give a **** what other people think, I think she is cute".

With her I found myself asking that question again, it will be the first time I've ever dated an older woman, thus part of my reason for my asking for thoughts. One of the things that I have struggled with is I have a very young looking mom, she had me at 18 and has always been very good looking (friends throughout school always felt the need to tell me how pretty she was). I've been out with a few woman in their 30's who looked or acted older than my mom, and I just wasn't able to get past that feeling. Anyway, I think my ego would be just fine dating her, the fact is she is one of the more attractive woman that I've dated lately.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2841770
03/14/19 05:33 PM
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46 to 54 is kind of a perfect age gap - she'll probably still outlive you but not by much.

I do get though that you having had a young, attractive mom puts a little bit of an "ick" factor into dating an older woman.

Just remind yourself that physiologically you both are probably the same age. And if she's post-menopausal you don't have to worry about accidental pregnancies!

Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2841804
03/14/19 07:51 PM
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My brother married someone over 10 years older then him. My brother is considered really good looking (I remember my friends all having crushes on him when we were younger) and heís very well educated. We all adore her. They are honestly, the healthiest couple I have ever met. I remember when I was with my ex, comparing us to them and feeling like I wish I had their relationship.

I dated someone 6 years younger then me before i dated my recent ex bf. He loved me (or told me he did) I did not have those feelings for him. Some things I really liked about a millennial man, somethings not so much and weíre real deal breakers . Like KML said, it all depends on where you are in your life and on the individual.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2841817
03/14/19 08:27 PM
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B had a laugh today when I mentioned to her that I told the kids that with the power outage we had for much of the day that I'm glad that I'm dating someone who gets hot flashes laugh Not that she has ever even been inside my house - but still - unexpected side benefits of dating an older woman?

My ex started going through menopause at around 49 I think. It was pretty rough on her and part of what I think led her off in to la-la land. It made me "almost" feel sorry for OM having to deal with her rages. They were quite nasty and to the degree that I worried about self-harm. Age can vary quite a bit as can how they feel about things like sex after "the change". Coming on to the scene after that can be an advantage I think.

Given your age C'Nut - you are in a bit of a conundrum. You are still young enough to start another family and since you've not had kids of your own it may be something to think about as to if that is one of your priorities. And at 49 you are young enough even for a woman in her mid 30s to seriously consider. Or the 20ish one you flirted with but that is a bit of a stretch in many ways. On the other hand you are nicely into "boy toy" category for many older women and as an established adult, a safer pick for them.

You sir - are prime real-estate. But don't let it go to your head wink I get the strong impression that you are still looking at finding who you are and what you want in life as opposed to those of us who have made our choices about whether we will be looking to re-couple or not.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2862158
08/20/19 11:26 PM
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Its been awhile since Iíve added to my story, Iíve been keeping up here occasionally, but I havenít had much to say about where I am. Mostly I just live my life, I have been dating but havenít met anyone worth mentioning, not dating anyone I see as a possible long term R.. I am sexually active (fwb situation), but we are open and honest with each other (as best as I can tell), she knows Iím looking for LTR and she isnít ready to commit, but I havenít changed my stance of not sleeping with more than one person at a time.. anyway, I saw someone on OLD today that really caught my attention today. She is a bit younger than me, by about 8 yrs (sheís 38 and Iím 46), but what she said in her profile is what Iíve been looking for. Sheís country at heart, into the outdoors, isnít afraid to bait her own hook, enjoys being out in the woods, on the water and just generally enjoys the outdoors. She stated she wanted more than a hillbilly, likes someone who is intelligent and is educated.

Iím back here because I want to ask for advice, I reached out to her in a completely different way than my norm. Iím always honest with woman nowadays, good or bad, but I donít tend to show my emotional side. I tend to keep it short and to the point, not wanting to lead them on, but I indulged with her. Iím concerned that I may have presented a side of me that doesnít portray me completely, and may give her an impression that Iím more ďbetaĒ (for lack of a better term) than I am in Rís. Anyway, here is what I reached out to her with, I was going for humor, but worried it may be taken the wrong way. What say you?

I donít have many people come across my OLD profile that I feel are worth reaching out to, but I saw one today who really caught my attention. I decided I want to really try and get her attention so I wrote the following and wondering what yíall ladies think. Did I say too much?

Keep in mind, she stated in her profile that she likes humor and she likes someone who has something to say, to use your words, so I went all out.
óóóóóóóóóóóóóóóóóó-
Iíve been told I sometimes say too much, one person even told me I wrote a book in response to a question that was asked; but you asked me to use my words, so I shall indulge your request. Iím a pretty normal guy, although my young niece recently told me I was not normal because my second toe is slightly longer than my big toe and hers isnít.. I just told her I like the way my feet look and Iím ok with embracing my uniqueness.

I like to live life, I moved here from Ft. Lauderdale to get away from urban sprawl and gain access to the great outdoors, I have taken full advantage of it and really feel alive. While i clean up well and am comfortable spending a night out on the town rooftop dining overlooking the city, Iíd prefer taking a dirt road to the lake, picnic on the shore after a swim, dance in the glow of the headlights after sunset and end the night in the back of the truck looking at the stars. One of my current goals is finding a clear dark night sky so I can get a clear view of the Milky Way, I was able to get a glimpse of it a few weeks ago while camping in the mountains near Boone, but the sky wasnít quite clear enough to really see it in whole, just the brighter parts of it. Hopefully the next new moon will give me the opportunity.

I donít consider myself old, definitely donít live that way, but I recently realized that Iím older than google, that hit me pretty hard. I mean, google seems like itís been around forever.

Hopefully at worst youíll find this a little entertaining and youíll get a smile out of it even if youíre not interested. At best, youíll realize Iím educated enough to use the proper forms of you, your and youíre; to, two and too and you have lowered your (not youíre) standards enough to find that alone attractive and want to write me back.

This is by far the most Iíve ever written for first contact, but I enjoyed writing it, thank you for challenging me.

Have a wonderful day,

Donnie


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2862171
08/21/19 12:15 AM
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Coconut,

I like what you wrote. It seems to come from the heart and it's not too sappy or over-the-top. I'm betting you'll hear (not here) from her.

Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2862172
08/21/19 12:16 AM
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You had me at "you, your and you're" lol

Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2862179
08/21/19 12:35 AM
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Iíd totally go out with you if you wrote that to me

Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: doodler] #2862183
08/21/19 12:41 AM
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Originally Posted by doodler
Coconut,

I like what you wrote. It seems to come from the heart and it's not too sappy or over-the-top. I'm betting you'll hear (not here) from her.


Itís good to heíre that from you bud, hope you are doing well.. for what itís worth, I think selling the house and moving on will do you well.

[/quote]
Originally Posted by kml
You had me at "you, your and you're" lol
lol, glad I could enlighten your grammar requirements..


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2862243
08/21/19 02:29 PM
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Originally Posted by Coconut

Originally Posted by doodler
Coconut,

I like what you wrote. It seems to come from the heart and it's not too sappy or over-the-top. I'm betting you'll hear (not here) from her.


It’s good to he’re that from you bud, hope you are doing well.. for what it’s worth, I think selling the house and moving on will do you well.


Originally Posted by kml
You had me at "you, your and you're" lol
lol, glad I could enlighten your grammar requirements..
[/quote]

NEVER underestimate the power of correct grammar and good spelling. I thought maybe it was the teacher in me or the fact that I live in the South where people tend to write as they speak, which we all know is not technically correct, but from other posts on this very board, I'm learning that poor grammar and spelling tend to be a universal thing, regardless of location. I would skip over profiles with bad grammar and "your/you're" misused. I can deal with things like "reckon", "y'all", "fixin' to", but I just can't with "your cute". LOL For what it is worth, I liked what you wrote. It was descriptive without coming across arrogant, braggy, boastful.


Me 49, XH 51
3 adult daughters from his first marriage
3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter
My 1st marriage, his 2nd
BD 9/29/2014
H moved out 10/6/2014
H filed D 11/4/2014
D final 12/17/2014
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2862246
08/21/19 02:43 PM
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Hey there C'Nut - don't be too disappointed if you don't hear back. Just consider it batting practice.

There's so much noise out there in the OLD world that it's tough to be heard from what I understand.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Dawn70] #2862247
08/21/19 02:45 PM
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Originally Posted by Ginger1
Iíd totally go out with you if you wrote that to me


Aww shucks, thanks G

Originally Posted by Dawn70


NEVER underestimate the power of correct grammar and good spelling. I thought maybe it was the teacher in me or the fact that I live in the South where people tend to write as they speak, which we all know is not technically correct, but from other posts on this very board, I'm learning that poor grammar and spelling tend to be a universal thing, regardless of location. I would skip over profiles with bad grammar and "your/you're" misused. I can deal with things like "reckon", "y'all", "fixin' to", but I just can't with "your cute". LOL For what it is worth, I liked what you wrote. It was descriptive without coming across arrogant, braggy, boastful.


I agree, some of the Facebook posts I see sometimes takes me a few minutes to figure out what they are trying to say. I try to write well, although sometimes Iíll use some slang words.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2862249
08/21/19 03:13 PM
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Originally Posted by Coconut

I agree, some of the Facebook posts I see sometimes takes me a few minutes to figure out what they are trying to say. I try to write well, although sometimes I’ll use some slang words.


I use slang as well, especially in an informal setting like this or Facebook, but Lord have mercy, I'm with you. Sometimes I see Facebook posts and I really have to think about what they are trying to say. Along with those facebook peeps who want to "sale" me something or have something for "sell". Drives me CRAZY!


Me 49, XH 51
3 adult daughters from his first marriage
3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter
My 1st marriage, his 2nd
BD 9/29/2014
H moved out 10/6/2014
H filed D 11/4/2014
D final 12/17/2014
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Dawn70] #2862491
08/22/19 09:44 PM
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Originally Posted by Coconut
Itís good to heíre that from you bud, hope you are doing well.. for what itís worth, I think selling the house and moving on will do you well.


Coconut,

You're right, it finally sunk into my think skull; I need to move. I love the house and the memories. But, it's just too much house for me to maintain, particularly since it's just me every other week. It's time to move on.

Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2862501
08/22/19 11:40 PM
08/22/19 11:40 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,016
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BluWave Offline
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BluWave  Offline
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Posts: 1,016
If I werenít married, I would go out with you too, Donnie. And Iím a Californian all the way. Lol. If she doesnít take the bait, sheís a dummy!

Well played!
Blu


ďForgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.Ē Ė Nelson Mandela
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2863928
09/03/19 07:27 PM
09/03/19 07:27 PM
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 1,469
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Coconut Offline OP
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Coconut  Offline OP
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The lady I sent that message to did reach out, we conversed back and forth a couple of times, but then she ghosted so not going anywhere.

Figure I'll go a little more into detail about the FWB situation that I have going on. We meet on OLD, we started chatting and the conversation really went well, I think we ended up chatting that night for 3 or 4 hours straight and she said that she generally waits awhile before meeting someone in person but she was intrigued and wanted to meet, so we met up 2 days later and it's been going great since.

She's only 3 months post separation and in the process of the divorce proceedings, you have to be separated for a year here before you can D, but during that year they are working out all the financials, etc. She knows she isn't ready to commit to someone, she has been very clear and upfront about that. From what she's told me, she was married for 23 years, they met in college and have two kids 19 and 21. He was military, got PTSD and retired under disability about 5 years ago, he became emotionally abusive and she tried for a few years and then gave up on the marriage about 2 years ago and walked out 3 months ago because she began to fear for her safety.

We rarely talk on the phone, there is the occasional texting back and forth and we get together about once every week or two. Generally, we will go out on a Friday or Saturday and then she will stay over and we will do some adventure in the morning before she heads home.

For me it's working pretty well, I've been careful to not fall for her and remain detached, we get along very well when we are together and there are no expectations. I've taken her to a rodeo, antique shopping, hiking, to the middle of a state forest to watch the stars from the bed of my truck, etc.. All things that I would generally do alone, but she's enjoyed everything I've thrown at her and I've never felt pressure to make sure she enjoys herself.

Anyway, the company is good, the sex is great and I'm continuing to talk to other ladies. I'd be ok if she broke it off today, I would miss the companionship but I'm still doing my thing (btw - went hunting for the first time ever yesterday, went for Dove, I didn't get any but it was a fun day with the guys).. One thing I have noticed is that having her in my life has put a lot less pressure on trying to find someone, meaning I am literally fine with however dates go and don't get nervous before heading out to meet for the first time and I just feel more at ease with everything. Overall, while I know that there is NO long term possibility here, it has really been a good thing for me right now.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
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