CALL 303-444-7004 to get started right away!

 

 


A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.


A Divorce Busting Telephone Coach
can help you save your marriage singlehandedly!
CALL 303-444-7004
or see Coaching Packages online at the Divorce Busting Store

A Message from Michele
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 5 of 8 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2833682
01/21/19 02:57 PM
01/21/19 02:57 PM
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,991
T
TBSakaJ9 Offline
Member
TBSakaJ9  Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,991
Hang out. Hook up and have fun!!


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2833686
01/21/19 03:15 PM
01/21/19 03:15 PM
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 3,678
D
doodler Offline
Member
doodler  Offline
Member
D
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 3,678
Coconut,

I'm in agreement with the others; both of you are adults, and as long as both of you are honest with each other, then why not give it a try? Of course, if it gets serious, then then you'll have to decide whether or not you want a family. But it's a least a couple of months before you'll be having that conversation. wink

On the other hand, if I were her father, I'd probably have to beat your @ss.

Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2840413
03/05/19 06:18 PM
03/05/19 06:18 PM
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 1,469
NC
C
Coconut Offline OP
Member
Coconut  Offline OP
Member
C
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 1,469
NC
Before I start, I'll give a quick update on my previous post, nothing ever happened with the much younger lady, after I kind of pushed her away the day that I posted about above, she ghosted me. I texted her once after that day but she never responded. My guess is that after she came on so strong and when I pushed her back she had had enough and disappeared.

My mom is selling the family home; my brother has been living with her since my father died a few years ago but my brother got a job a few hours away and is closing on his new house today. Once he moves my mother will be putting her house up for sale and is looking to buy a house that has a MIL suite with my sister and her family (about an hour north). I'm happy that she is moving in with my sis as I think it will be better for her than living alone, but I realized that having her house was like a lifeline for me with my old life. I still have friends and other family that I can stay with when I go to FL, but my moms was always the gathering spot, and her selling it is going to completely alter family gatherings, holidays, etc. That, plus my ex moved out of FL with her boyfriend, so now my son has a mom, dad and biological father that all live in different states. I'm not sure how it will play out with me seeing him as often as I used to, but for the next few years he will still be in school and It is easy for me to go see him there, in fact I'm going down there in two weeks to go see the "impractical jokers" tour with him at his school.

As for me, I've been dating a little bit, I haven't found anyone that I want to spend a lot of time with and move towards a R, but I'm having a hard time figuring out if it's because I'm happy with my life as it is and am resisting letting someone in too close, or if it's just that I haven't found someone that matters enough to me to do so. I am not in a rush and my life is pretty full as it is.

Had an interesting conversation with my son yesterday, he told me that my ex's mother and step father separated and were going to be getting a divorce. Apparently my sons step-grandfather called him to let him know, told my son that its been bad for awhile, that they had grown apart and it's been something that has been working up to this point. Then my son said that when he talked to his mother about it later, she told him a different story. Apparently while he was out of town (he's a pilot and is out of town every other week) he called his wife and told her that he wanted a divorce, then when he got home he packed up his stuff and moved in with another woman.

My son then started talking to me about not knowing how to feel about it, that he was torn between disliking his grandfather for what he had done, or recognizing that it wasn't up to him to judge him and just hold on to some sort of relationship with him.

That was a difficult conversation for me to figure out what to say, and probably even more important what not to say. I always thought that my son figured out that my ex had an A, but after that conversation I don't think he ever put two and two together (even though she once told him that the reason I had been so upset about something was because I didn't like her having a friend of hers).

Anyway, it got my mind wandering about what if any impact that situation might have had on my ex, on seeing someone else close to her experience the bomb drop. I didn't dwell on it, but I did wonder about it for a little while.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2840425
03/05/19 07:14 PM
03/05/19 07:14 PM
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 3,678
D
doodler Offline
Member
doodler  Offline
Member
D
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 3,678
Originally Posted by Coconut
That was a difficult conversation for me to figure out what to say, and probably even more important what not to say. I always thought that my son figured out that my ex had an A, but after that conversation I don't think he ever put two and two together (even though she once told him that the reason I had been so upset about something was because I didn't like her having a friend of hers).


Coconut,

I'd bet your son knows exactly why you and your ex-wife divorced.

Coincidentally, this morning I read a Psychology Today article about the impact of divorce on the children. The author mentioned that children of divorce have a higher probability that they'll be divorced as well. (Divorce is the gift that keeps on giving.) One of the things that the author said that really struck me is that, because she'd been through her parents divorce, she didn't view marriage as something that's permanent. I decided that I'm going to have a talk with my sons, probably several times, to make certain that they understand marriage is meant to be permanent, in sickness and in health, and to make sure their potential mates understand that as well. I don't know if it'll make any difference, but I'm going to do my best to emblazon that on their brains.

Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2840433
03/05/19 07:48 PM
03/05/19 07:48 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,716
Canada
A
AndrewP Offline
Member
AndrewP  Offline
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,716
Canada
I don't know. I think that kids can be pretty oblivious. Especially if there is no obvious drama. Buying the story that "Mom wasn't happy" and then "Hey - Mom's got a boyfriend - glad she's happy" is easily done. After all - why would Mom lie?


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: doodler] #2840438
03/05/19 08:08 PM
03/05/19 08:08 PM
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 1,469
NC
C
Coconut Offline OP
Member
Coconut  Offline OP
Member
C
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 1,469
NC
I always thought he knew, but after our conversation, I don't think he does. I'm happy if he doesn't, in no way would it benefit him to know, and I'd rather he not have resentment towards his mother. I am very close with my mom and I want him to have the same thing.

Originally Posted by doodler
I decided that I'm going to have a talk with my sons, probably several times, to make certain that they understand marriage is meant to be permanent, in sickness and in health, and to make sure their potential mates understand that as well. I don't know if it'll make any difference, but I'm going to do my best to emblazon that on their brains.



I completely agree with you on this doodler. I have had several R talks with him in the past, we've discussed detachment, love being a choice, both people in a R being happy on their own and sharing that, etc. In this conversation, I wasn't sure I wanted to discuss how to feel about or treat someone who had an A, so I focused more on relationships in general. The importance of being open and honest in a R (if you're not happy say so), choosing to love someone and work on the R even when things are tough, the best of way to make changes in a R is to make changes in yourself, etc.. I'm hopeful that talking with him about these things every so often will help make a difference in his future relationships.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2840439
03/05/19 08:10 PM
03/05/19 08:10 PM
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 3,678
D
doodler Offline
Member
doodler  Offline
Member
D
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 3,678

Aw shucks Andrew, let's settle this like men. If you're right, I'll give you three dozen peanut butter cookies. If I'm right, then I'd like a German chocolate cake.

Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2840442
03/05/19 08:20 PM
03/05/19 08:20 PM
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,991
T
TBSakaJ9 Offline
Member
TBSakaJ9  Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,991
If I had a son there would be so many things I would tell them about marriage. I wish my dad had sat me down and had the talk.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2840481
03/05/19 10:51 PM
03/05/19 10:51 PM
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,703
J
JujuB Offline
Member
JujuB  Offline
Member
J
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,703
This is a hard topic and i donít necessarily think there is an answer. Itís what feels right to you.

I have been honest at an age appropriate level with my son. And when heís older and asks more questions I will continue to be honest. I feel like I have nothing to hide and I do not want to be dishonest in order to protect my exís actions from my son. I always act in a way that I think is best for my son. I do not say nasty things about my ex. I make sure things run smoothly for their visits. But I want to be honest.

My exís mother lied to my ex so that he never knew about their marital issues, about his dad leaving them and the coming back later etc. He thought that the way his mom and dad were was healthy and normal. he thought his dad was out provdiding for them. But I wonder what that type of secrecy does, cause as a young kid he had to have questions, he had to have known something was off.. I donít want a repeat in patterns.

Again, everyone is different. My son knows my ex left me, not him. That my ex has problems and thatís why he left us and doesnít see him as much as other dads see their kids. That when he grows up he will never leave his kids


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2840484
03/05/19 11:13 PM
03/05/19 11:13 PM
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 1,469
NC
C
Coconut Offline OP
Member
Coconut  Offline OP
Member
C
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 1,469
NC
Juju,

Good point, but so it is clear, I havenít, nor will I, lie to my son... if he ever asks me the question, I will make sure he wants an answer and if so, I will tell him. But I donít think he will ever ask, he has never even mentioned his mother to me until our conversation yesterday, and he rarely brings up anything about the past, he lives in the moment.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
Page 5 of 8 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004