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A Message from Michele
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Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2815279
10/01/18 05:11 PM
10/01/18 05:11 PM
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Ginger1 Offline
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I actually told my ex that I wish he would have died instead because it would have been easier to know that he wasn't gone because of heart-breaking, gut-wrenching betrayal. To know that it wasn't his choice to leave his family.

Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2815313
10/01/18 07:13 PM
10/01/18 07:13 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 2,048
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Dawn70 Offline
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I think unfaithful would be MUCH more difficult to deal with. During our marriage, my XH had some very serious health issues and almost died very early in our marriage and it was a difficult time for us, as it is tough to hear a doctor say your newlywed husband is not likely to survive til morning. However, the pain that was a result of that experience was NOTHING compared to the pain I felt when I found out he'd been seeing someone else near the end of our marriage and he quickly chose her over me. I totally understand what Ginger is saying above. Death would be tough, but would be easier to get over than a blatant, gut-wrenching betrayal.


Me 49, XH 51
3 adult daughters from his first marriage
3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter
My 1st marriage, his 2nd
BD 9/29/2014
H moved out 10/6/2014
H filed D 11/4/2014
D final 12/17/2014
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2815338
10/01/18 08:09 PM
10/01/18 08:09 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,655
Canada
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AndrewP Offline
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I had an interesting conversation a couple of weeks ago at the butcher shop with a widow who works there.

Her husband passed on about 5 years ago and she mentioned that she's still reluctant to date although her kids are pushing her to. I could see the hurt in her eyes when she talked about how wonderful her marriage had been. I think it would require one heck of a guy to step in to his shoes.

I think that's one big difference for us. If my ex had died and died without an affair being involved, my house would undoubtedly have lots of pictures up of us as a happy family and I would have pretty much only good memories. Yes we had our ups and downs. We had talked about it like many couples do and I do think that I would not even be considering a new partner at my time of life if she had died. Now though I've scrubbed her from my life and home and any potential new partner has a pretty low bar to cross to be better than her.

The OM my ex went after was a widower. His first wife was an active part of the community, a mother and grandmother. Filling those ghostly shoes would be quite tough I would think and she will always be competing against the memory of her predecessor.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2815696
10/03/18 03:55 PM
10/03/18 03:55 PM
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 1,469
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Coconut Offline OP
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I think we all agree, I know I do. I was going state that the hardes thing form me is the negative emotions/feelings to those 10 years of my life, I didn't just lose my spouse, I lost 10 years of what would have otherwise been good memories.

Dawn posted awhile back about the importance of forgiving the WS, and while I completely agree I just am not there. I've erased her from my life and that might just have been so I didn't have to forgive her. Maybe one day I will find that forgiveness and be able to look back with some sort of "good" feeling.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2815697
10/03/18 03:56 PM
10/03/18 03:56 PM
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 1,469
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Coconut Offline OP
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forgot to end the first paragraph with "but I don't need to because AndrewP stated it well".


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2815732
10/03/18 04:44 PM
10/03/18 04:44 PM
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 3,647
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doodler Offline
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Originally Posted by Coconut
Maybe one day I will find that forgiveness and be able to look back with some sort of "good" feeling.


Coconut,

Even without forgiveness, you can achieve that good feeling in so many constructive and positive ways. For example, you could send your ex a fresh turd in one of those FedEx overnight packages.

Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2815741
10/03/18 06:42 PM
10/03/18 06:42 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 2,048
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Dawn70 Offline
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Posts: 2,048
Originally Posted by Coconut
I think we all agree, I know I do. I was going state that the hardes thing form me is the negative emotions/feelings to those 10 years of my life, I didn't just lose my spouse, I lost 10 years of what would have otherwise been good memories.

Dawn posted awhile back about the importance of forgiving the WS, and while I completely agree I just am not there. I've erased her from my life and that might just have been so I didn't have to forgive her. Maybe one day I will find that forgiveness and be able to look back with some sort of "good" feeling.


I think everyone gets to things at their own pace, in their own time. For me, honestly, the forgiveness was more about healing for myself than anything to do with him. I still think he's an ass and I still think he behaved badly through some of what went on, but it just ceases to matter to me anymore. I needed to forgive to move on, so I did. I won't necessarily say that I look back with only good memories. Most of my good memories from that time frame revolve around the girls or other family members, not him. It sounds weird and I don't really know how to explain, but what I do know is that ultimately, forgiveness was the gift I gave myself (yes, corny and cliché) and it suited me. I'm living my best life.


Me 49, XH 51
3 adult daughters from his first marriage
3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter
My 1st marriage, his 2nd
BD 9/29/2014
H moved out 10/6/2014
H filed D 11/4/2014
D final 12/17/2014
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2815749
10/03/18 07:45 PM
10/03/18 07:45 PM
Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 826
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Holding Offline
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Originally Posted by Ginger1
I actually told my ex that I wish he would have died instead because it would have been easier to know that he wasn't gone because of heart-breaking, gut-wrenching betrayal. To know that it wasn't his choice to leave his family.


I've thought the same thing many times, though I never said it. D is more like your spouse committing suicide than just an unfortunate death. At what point did you say this to your XH, Ginger?

Originally Posted by doodler

Even without forgiveness, you can achieve that good feeling in so many constructive and positive ways. For example, you could send your ex a fresh turd in one of those FedEx overnight packages.


Doodler dude, I've missed you!

Originally Posted by Coconut
Dawn posted awhile back about the importance of forgiving the WS, and while I completely agree I just am not there. I've erased her from my life and that might just have been so I didn't have to forgive her. Maybe one day I will find that forgiveness and be able to look back with some sort of "good" feeling.


Forgiveness is something I still struggle with. My IC has implied I can't really move on to another R until I've forgiven my XW. I recently went through all the pics on my phone and deleted every pic of her - I don't need any triggers. I do know there were some good times in the M, but everything still feels tainted by this dark cloud. Does the cloud go away, or do we chose to just ignore it?


Me-47,XW-43
S13,S16
M:18
BD:4-23-17
W filed:7-17-17
(5 months of in-house separation hell)
W moved out:1-6-18
D granted:2-15-18
Decree signed:3-29-18

Your future is out there. Go find it.
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Holding] #2815906
10/04/18 07:14 PM
10/04/18 07:14 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,655
Canada
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AndrewP Offline
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Posts: 2,655
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Originally Posted by Holding
Forgiveness is something I still struggle with. My IC has implied I can't really move on to another R until I've forgiven my XW. I recently went through all the pics on my phone and deleted every pic of her - I don't need any triggers. I do know there were some good times in the M, but everything still feels tainted by this dark cloud. Does the cloud go away, or do we chose to just ignore it?
The cloud moves off to another part of the sky. Like you, I purged pretty much everything related to my own XW. She's been gone for over 2 years now and I can go multiple days without having any thoughts at all of her. When I do think of her it's in the context of someone I don't really like.

I do have buried in my Google Drive a bunch of pictures that include pictures of her / us. I don't look at them but don't want to throw them out. That time was a part of my life and lots of it was good. It's just not part of my current life.

I've not forgiven her and never will. My own approach is one of not caring. Most days that's where I am. A few things still trigger a fairly mild version of anger but that's getting less and less. The fact that I don't have to deal with her in any fashion other than sending her her monthly payment helps. And even that is annoying in the same context as it's annoying to have to pay a utility bill.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2817635
10/16/18 12:22 PM
10/16/18 12:22 PM
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 1,469
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Coconut Offline OP
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Joined: May 2016
Posts: 1,469
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So made a pretty big change yesterday, I now have a roommate... Well, a part-time roommate, he's an officer (a dentist) in the army and him and his wife live about 1 1/2 hrs away from the base (she's in medical school there), so he wanted to find a room to use Mon - Thu nights. I've never had a roommate, wasn't really looking for one, but when I really thought about the opportunity for the passive income while still having the house to myself on the weekends, I went ahead and jumped.

On a personal level, it will be nice to have some company around the house at times, living alone can get a too quiet at times. On a financial level, it will be nice to have "free income" to be able to send my son a little more spending money without it affecting my savings and disposable income. I think this will go a long way towards my goal of being financially able to retire in 10 years (at 55), I will probably continue working until 60 but If I do, I want it to be because I choose to do so, not because I don't have an option.

Anyway, not much going on R wise in my life, I'm fine with that, I don't want it enough to put any effort into it which frees me up to just enjoy myself.. I do enjoy my life right now, I've been getting back into the swing of doing things around the house, been spending time with friends, still camping and fishing, and with this fall weather that has recently hit, been doing a lot of hiking with Tink (my dog).

oh, and I've decided to learn how to play the guitar, been looking around for a good deal on one.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
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