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A Message from Michele
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Standing our ground - together as a family #2810002
08/31/18 12:19 AM
08/31/18 12:19 AM
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 719
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Irish M Offline OP
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Irish M  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 719

Previous thread :

Letting Go for our own inner peace

Chapter 1, First thread:

Wife gone deep in the tunnel?

So a couple of days with no lawyers, Me and the girls got some amazing camping and kayaking in on the weekend of the 18th . End of last week we start preparing for the start of school and WHAM!!! another lawyers letter. Pleading that I update her client. She is showing real pain for the lack of contact with her daughter. D16 , no mention of D18.

XW begging for news from D16 through her Lawyer. My Lawyer suggest that D16 write a letter clearly asking for her mom to back off, it's causing emotional stress and that D16 will reach out to her when D16 wants to. D16 writes the letter.

XW is not telling these girls what to do. She lost that right and under no circumstances will I break and give XW what she wants.

My lawyer sends it off with a final no contact and she would of got it last Friday.

Friday night i get a text from the friend that lives across the street from XW. XW is saying she is finally happy. Loves where she is and made the best decision she could have ever made. No regrets and no mention of her kids. My friend says she never talks about her kids.

Also , She adopted a stray dog. Saying her family is complete.

Sad thing is, that must be the 3rd stray animal she has adopted. The first 2 are no longer in her house. She got rid of them. No clue how long this Dog will last. I feel sorry for the animal.



So today first day of school, no news from XW and I believe we will have Peace in the valley for a while.

take care

Irish


M51
XW43 (38 at bd)
BD1 MAY 30 2015
BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text
moved out Aug 2 2015
left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20)
Her divorce Final July 26 2016
Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
Re: Standing our ground - together as a family [Re: Irish M] #2810045
08/31/18 08:29 AM
08/31/18 08:29 AM
Joined: Sep 2014
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Vapo Offline
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Bloody h@ll It is really exhausting work to keep this charade going on... Well done Irish, You are a ROCK STAR.

Last edited by job; 08/31/18 12:55 PM. Reason: edited a word
Re: Standing our ground - together as a family [Re: Irish M] #2810053
08/31/18 11:37 AM
08/31/18 11:37 AM
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 600
UK
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Westo Offline
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I am always incredulous at your composure and the manner in which you conduct yourself throughout this nightmare.

I can’t get over a mother deserting her kids like she has. I think you are an utterly brilliant dad, your girls will never forget the way you’ve handled yourself and are settling a wonderful example of what a parent is all about.

As for your XW.........I think she has a very lonely future in front of her. She will bitterly regret what she’s done, and when she does it will be way too late.

She is going to miss out on so much, she already has. But you, Irish, will always have your girls and eventually grandchildren who will also adore you. You will not have a lonely future and one day a very lucky lady is going to be in you and your girls lives.

Last edited by Westo; 08/31/18 11:38 AM.
Re: Standing our ground - together as a family [Re: Westo] #2810063
08/31/18 12:59 PM
08/31/18 12:59 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,662
Southern Maryland
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Irish,

I am so sorry that she's at it again. I don't think that there will be much peace in the valley for very long. Right now, the dog is a substitute for her daughters and when the novelty wears off, she'll have her lawyer contact you again. She will not take the letter your daughter wrote to heart, she will continue to have the lawyer contact you. I can't even imagine her bill for this nonsense, but that's her issue, not yours.

I'm sure your daughters will do well in their respective schools. A new school year, new adventures.

You are a great dad!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Re: Standing our ground - together as a family [Re: Irish M] #2810125
08/31/18 06:24 PM
08/31/18 06:24 PM
Joined: Jul 2018
Posts: 324
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OneArt Offline
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Still so very lost. Very sad. I still feel worse when it is the wife and mom. She is a very fearful person and still can't come to terms with the effect her actions have had on others. At least she's moving. You may not like what it looks like right now, but it is movement. Maybe by the time they have children of their own, she will make peace with all of this. Even so, they are so fortunate to have you for a dad.

Re: Standing our ground - together as a family [Re: Irish M] #2810164
08/31/18 09:04 PM
08/31/18 09:04 PM
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,182
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Gerda Offline
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I love how you protect your girls and let them make their own choices, that must be so comforting for them to have a dad who's got their backs. All the other pain that they feel about their mom must end up getting washed away in some large part by being able to rely on you like that. I can just imagine how exhausted you are by the endless drama. I feel the same, that mystification of why can't they just make one choice and live by it.

One thought I had while reading this post -- I see it as a blessing when my H shows interest in my kids, even if everything else he does is so frustratingly insufficient or downright wrong, mystifying, disgusting. That neighbor is not a friend to you if she told you those things; what good could that possibly serve and what purpose could she have in telling you that except to make you feel the drama or the pain or something more? And it's not like she is really telling you anything you don't know about the total confusion and desperation of your exW's mind. Of course your exW is saying those things, she is deep in the madness and they all say that and more. Of course she thinks she can fill the daughter-sized hole with a dog. But we know she can't. I hope that one day the blinders come off for her, and she can try to earn their forgiveness.

You know that Native American story about which wolf in your heart wins, and the answer is the one you feed? I know it's been endlessly posted, but I will post it below in case needed. I try to continue to feed the tiny shrunken version of the good in my H when I am given an opening to do so, even if it's rare, even or especially if he doesn't do the right thing before I do it or after I do it. I also like my kids to see that I continue to try to walk in the light no matter what H does. I try to always offer him news of the kids, send photos, etc. Not everyday as I would if we were a real couple, but just once or twice a week when there is something worth sharing, the same things I would send his mom. I totally see why you are not wanting to do that to protect your girls from her and to establish a boundary but sometimes I wonder what would happen if you did it simply and with no expectation. Not that it would fix her, not that it would wake her up, but that it would free you to be able to sometimes share that news, and that you never know which wolf you might be feeding in her, but at least you know you are walking in the light no matter what your exW does. We can see very clearly the evil wolf in your exW, but sometimes we forget that her evil ways can feed the same wolf in us if we don't very carefully avoid feeding it.

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.
“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.”

He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.

"The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

Last edited by Gerda; 08/31/18 09:06 PM.

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Re: Standing our ground - together as a family [Re: Irish M] #2814451
09/26/18 11:42 AM
09/26/18 11:42 AM
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^^^^







Re: Standing our ground - together as a family [Re: Irish M] #2818940
10/24/18 02:14 AM
10/24/18 02:14 AM
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 719
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Irish M Offline OP
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Irish M  Offline OP
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Hope everyone is doing good. Sorry for the long breaks between posts. It seems like as time passes and I grow further away from my XW, I have a lot less to share. She is not in our lives and only a few pop ups from her MLC hole.

Well, from XW it's been quiet. No news is good news right? I wish that was the case.

A concerned family member of hers contacted me. They saw some posts on her Facebook. Mostly about her being victim number 1. How she understood the pain of rejection. That life is not what she wanted. Also posts about suicide. " if you end it now you will be missed" How someone saved others from suicide. Looking out for those who look after her...

a lot of deep stuff.

I told this person to get my XW help. Guide her to it if she will listen. That I am not the person who can help. I would if I could but I know i'm not. XW won't get help if she doesn't want it.

I also just had another person try to add me on facebook. I messaged them a "HI, hope their family is doing well"
this person is the son of XWs' deceased fathers girlfriend. Nice enough guy. I saw once a year.

messaged me back. How are you and the girls. Are the girls still seeing their mother. It would be nice to see you and the girls sometime. You are welcome over anytime.

Well, funny after 3 years this guy reaches out. We have not communicated before, only through XW. I told him that I don't think I will add him. That XW family and her dads girlfriends family have not reached out once during all this and it was weird the sudden requests. That XW hasn't seen her girls in over 3 years. I wished him well and repeated that its XW who needs the support not me.

Now back to XW facebook posts. I don't think she is suicidal. I am afraid that she will use that to lure the girls. The old i'm gonna kill myself if you don't ... etc etc etc.

I wouldn't want that to be the turning point that the girls reach out. It's not a positive thing. A healthy mom would be the best scenario but that's not happening anytime soon.

XW is probably in one of those moments of skewed versions that she was the rejected and abandoned one and not the girls. Maybe she is reflecting on her youth when her mom abandoned her.. who knows.

Still praying for a miracle just not sitting still waiting for it to happen

on a high note...
Halloween 8 days away. I am doing the yearly haunted house. Huge hit in my neighborhood. I've increase the area by 3. Lots more to set up still but the girls are anxious to scare the neighbors and their friends. If you are in the neighborhood drop in... :-)


M51
XW43 (38 at bd)
BD1 MAY 30 2015
BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text
moved out Aug 2 2015
left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20)
Her divorce Final July 26 2016
Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
Re: Standing our ground - together as a family [Re: Irish M] #2818968
10/24/18 04:26 AM
10/24/18 04:26 AM
Joined: Jul 2018
Posts: 324
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OneArt Offline
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You know Irish, that were it not for the life you have made for yourself and your girls, you would have one of the saddest stories on this site (I think the same of dear peacetoday as well--you guys are the real deal).

She is sad. She is a mess. I thought she was a happy go lucky newlywed with a new residence and friends, and look, now kind-hearted people fighting her battles for her, ready to swoop on the baddies that cut her loose those awful three years before.

Sadly the suicide stuff is probably manipulative. My H (you know, the infamous texter) has sent the kids suicide videos. I think he cares about his image a little too much to display his manipulation for the masses. My kids are, I think, around the same age, maybe a little younger. I can tell you that these manipulations have not been successful. I think your girls will probably see through this, and even if they did communicate or meet up with her, they would quickly figure it out.

If it is real, and she does carry it out, that will be her choice. You have been kind in asking the others to help her. They are the ones she turned to. They are the ones with insight into her life.

I'm sorry that she can't leave all of you alone. I'm guessing she is a borderline from her various antics and while I think they can be helped if they seek it out, they do actually have to seek it out.

I hope your relationship is going well and the lawyer letters have ceased. I hope the roses and cards to the girls on their big days are falling away. I hope she does get help one day and her girls can get some answers. But you are still the standard for how someone should lovingly detach and get on with the task of living.

Re: Standing our ground - together as a family [Re: Irish M] #2818985
10/24/18 10:55 AM
10/24/18 10:55 AM
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 641
Connecticut
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Lifes Twists Offline
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Hi Irish,

My personal experience with suicide is the ones who talk about doing it are either calling for help or trying to manipulate the situation. They don't actually intend to do it. Its the ones like my ex who dont say anything but go ahead with the attempt that actually mean it. Mine tried twice,Luckily she was not successful.

I feel you are handling this well. You are doing right by not raising the issue as something serious with your girls. Unfortunately your ex is still stuck in lala land with not end in site.


Twisting on Life's Rope
Me53
W53
M20
D21 D19 D16
BD 2-2013
D final 1-2015
_________________________
"Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
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