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That's not rambling, I was hoping for details!

It is odd that he hasn't pushed for D. He doesn't want to lose you, or else he'd have done this. Now I don't think this means he absolutely wants you back, but he hasn't had to think about wanting you back bc he hasn't really lost you.

You took your vows seriously, so you aren't giving up right? But letting him go, stopping the cake eating, is the true test of your commitment. It's hard, but that's reality for you. He hasn't lost you but you've lost him. Let him feel that loss and he will begin to think about the tough choices.

And quit acting like you'd be "friends" with him if you divorced. Males and females are friends bc they're hoping for an opening down the road. But if you got divorced, you'd be so god dang happy in your new life that you wouldn't care for such an arrangement. Or so it should seem to him. This would get his attention IMO.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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Oh, Ruby! Your situation sounds, in some ways, very similar to mine. We've been married 34 years. He had an affair for about 2.5 years before he decided not to leave me. I had so many opportunities to set firm boundaries, but I didn't. He was my best friend (the OW told me he was hers. Yeah, that hurt.) Right now, we're basically roommates. I'm becoming awake to the severity of the situation and am in a lot of pain. I don't have any words of wisdom beyond what has already been said, because, it's early days of my own recovery, but I wanted to hold out a hand of solidarity to you.


No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt, This is My Story

(Me: 57, DH62, S30, GS 6 & 3)
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Ruby100 Offline OP
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You are right, I have made it easy for him. He knows if things don’t work out, he can come back because he knows how much I love him still.

He is someone who takes things very literally so if I were to say “I never want to see you again”, he would be upset but would respect & heed what I say. He would never try to come back, how ever much he missed me, because he would think I didn’t want to see him.

His move away will be a test, both for his R with the OW & with me.

Thanks for your advice, I’ll give it some thought. I had said, last time I saw him, that friendship was unlikely after D but I doubt he believes that I mean it. Maybe I can be less available to make him realise what he’s giving up. Thanks for your time, I appreciate it.


M 1986
ILYBINILWY Jan 2016
Found out about affair May 2016.
H 57yrs. OW 23 yrs younger.
Separated Sept 2016
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Oh bless you Notavic, it’s hard when you’re been with someone most of your adult life to find that they’ve let you down. It’s like half of you is missing. Your hopes & dreams shattered. I’m sorry that you’re feeling so much pain.

Maybe it’s time to focus on you? Find out who you truly are & what you like to do - in a long term R we kind of morph together as one sometimes forgetting our own needs.

If I had to say one positive thing that has come out of my situation then it would be the journey of finding of my true self & from someone who’s had low SE issues, I now quite like myself. It has taken lots of work & a determination that my H & the OW would not destroy my life anymore than they already had.

Someone gave me advice when my H left & she said never refuse an invitation, however much you don’t want to go, be brave & accept. I’m not talking about another R, but going out, having fun & conversation with others. For me it’s generally with women because it feels safer. I’m always amazed, when you open up to people, that they all have a story to tell.

I can’t imagine that your “roommate” situation is easy but he’s still there. You have an opportunity to try to turn this around. Only time will tell if it’s possible. But remember to look after you first. - that is the most important thing at this stage.

I have a book that I write quotations in & somewhere I read this:-

“There is no one out there to save us, to take care of us, to heal the hurt. But there is a very fine person within, one we barely know, ready & willing to be our constant companion” James Hollis

I/we are all here for you to support you. I’m sending you love & wishing you peace x


M 1986
ILYBINILWY Jan 2016
Found out about affair May 2016.
H 57yrs. OW 23 yrs younger.
Separated Sept 2016
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Thank you so, so much, Ruby!! Yes, it is difficult when you've been w/ someone since aged 19, and, as you said, morphed into one person. I had let myself do that for SO long. I was so naive to think that once he became sober (nearly 30 years ago) that everything was "all better" and I backslid on my own emotional recovery.

I am learning to find who I am and try to GAL, although I feel like I still have a ways to go yet on that. I'm going to book clubs at my local library, when my schedule allows, and after 15 years here, I finally feel like I have found something in this area that I like to do. I also keep in contact with old friends from neighboring states. I've lost some (needed) weight recently, which is something else I'm doing for me. For a while after H decided to stay in the M, I had obsessively cooked for him, as his love language is food. But now, I need to look after myself and not bring foods that I can't have into the house. I'm learning to rethink how I do cook in light of my new healthier me.

I love your quote. This is SUCH a necessary lesson, especially since I've been with H, as you said, my entire adult life. There is no knight in shining armor. There is no Superman. He is not, as my therapist said, a "wounded prince." It's hard to face reality and maintain a balance, but I'm working on it.

I am grateful for your support.


No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt, This is My Story

(Me: 57, DH62, S30, GS 6 & 3)
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Dear Notavic
It sounds like you are doing all the right things & well done for losing the weight. Remember there is no quick fix. You are in for a very long ride emotionally.
One of your recent posts mentioned your anger which I too struggled with at first & still do from time to time. This quote really resonated with me by Buddha:-
“Holding onto anger is like grasping hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burned”.
As hard as it is, you have to love both yourself & him. Anger is such a wasted energy & so destructive. I’ve read so many books during my separation trying to find the answers & I’m still searching! As you like reading, other than Michelle’s great books, maybe try “The Power the Secret” by Rhonda Byrne; “ The Four Agreements” Don Miguel Ruiz; Louise Hay & David Kessler’s “You Can heal your heart”; “Detach & Survive” Midlife Maze. Andrew Marshall’s books are great too.
Have you tried Tapping/ EFT? It helps me so much with the feelings of overwhelm. Checkout The Tapping Solution.com.
I hope I’m allowed to make all these recommendations, sorry admin if I’m not.
Be kind to yourself & take care Notavic x


M 1986
ILYBINILWY Jan 2016
Found out about affair May 2016.
H 57yrs. OW 23 yrs younger.
Separated Sept 2016
Joined: Aug 2018
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Thank you so much, Ruby. I'm definitely going to have to check out some of those books. I'm still waiting for my replacement copy of DR to get here.

The long haul is what is so difficult to accept, but something I would have done well to realize at the beginning of our M. He has issues from the very beginning of life that have not been resolved. Having said that, I need to stop excusing his behavior.

I do love him. I need to figure out and remember how to do that in a healthy way.

It is comforting to have someone who understands my situation. I've made so many mistakes for so many years.


No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt, This is My Story

(Me: 57, DH62, S30, GS 6 & 3)
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You are not alone in making mistakes, so have I & I imagine most of us on this website. So don’t beat yourself up, life’s difficult enough already!

It will be a long haul but if you start to focus on you then if you can’t save your marriage, you will have become a stronger person & more prepared for what your future has to offer.


M 1986
ILYBINILWY Jan 2016
Found out about affair May 2016.
H 57yrs. OW 23 yrs younger.
Separated Sept 2016
Joined: Aug 2018
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Thank you, Ruby. The only book that you recommended that I can find in my library (in English) is "the Power" which is on CD. I've ordered that to come from a neighboring library and am looking forward to listening to it.

H is in contact with a therapy practice at my insistence. He hasn't had a session yet, but is playing phone tag with them. I told him that his resentment of me (for being the breadwinner) is not sustainable. I was hoping that if he cut contact with the OW, (again, at my insistence) he would work his way out of the MLC, but that hasn't happened and it's been 1.5 years.

At this point, I don't know what's going to happen. I should have put out a boundary 5 years ago when he moved out of the MB. But, that's water under the bridge. I just couldn't imagine that this would happen to us. I still keep hoping. I think he just wants to live here and not work on the marriage, which I told him is not going to be possible.




Last edited by Notavic; 08/14/18 03:33 AM.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt, This is My Story

(Me: 57, DH62, S30, GS 6 & 3)
Joined: Jun 2017
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Hi Notavic

The trouble with MLC is that they will only do what they want to do, when they want to do it. You can’t force them even If you think you know best!

I kept hoping that my H would see sense & give up the OW but I’m still waiting, nearly 2 yrs since he left & there’s no sign of him coming back, ever. The other night he told me I was his soulmate. He said that the OW thought that he was her soulmate but he couldn’t bring himself to say it back to her. He said he realises now that the affair was all his fault & the spiteful things he said about me/to me were because he was trying to find reasons to explain why he felt the way he did. When I asked him why, if he knew it wasn’t due to me, hadn’t he fought to get me back he said by the time he realised, “things had moved on”! So he’s prepared to throw away someone who he’s known for a 35+ years & is his soulmate for a young, 35 year old, selfish woman who had no morals or concerns contributing to the breakdown of our marriage. It doesn’t make sense to me.

I think the MLC makes them very selfish & ego driven & that is why working on you has to be a priority. 5 years down the line, he may still be the same but you, with everything that you are doing, will have blossomed. At least that’s what I’m hoping for for me & you. Somewhere I read that a MLC can go on up to 7 years in some cases - the trouble is that, even if they come out of it, they might not come back to you.

The Detach & Survive book is only available as a download but has been very useful for me.

Take care of yourself.


M 1986
ILYBINILWY Jan 2016
Found out about affair May 2016.
H 57yrs. OW 23 yrs younger.
Separated Sept 2016
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