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#2805691 08/08/18 12:55 AM
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My wife and I have been seperated for going on 5 months now. Walkaway-wife. She is now in a relationship with another man she met on-line. I am realizing that all of the rejection I showed her was a huge mistake. We argued for months before she moved out but I never expected this. She says she has tried to be with me for so long and she finally had to let go. She gave me some blank divorce papers to fill out but I haven't brought myself to fill them out. I still love my wife and am realizing that its probably too late. I am taking care of myself right now and trying to keep myself busy. I have talked with a coach and he told me to do the "get a life" technique, so that's where I'm at right now. Any advise would be appreciated. Thanks!

284 #2805702 08/08/18 05:06 AM
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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-68, D36,S35
284 #2805704 08/08/18 05:29 AM
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You’re among friends and are not alone, brother. Make your self comfortable. This is a great community.


1/6/18-BD OM1
2/18-W meets OM2
4/18-W intros D4 to OM2
5/18-“Romance ends"
7/18-DB start
7/18-IHS Ends
4/19-WW moves out
3/21-D filed

Formerly pain18

Rise.

284 #2805710 08/08/18 09:52 AM
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Hi 284. Take your time to read carefully what Cadet posted. Use this forum wisely. Read, read, read. It´s up to you...


WW H(me): 52
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 17
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
284 #2805715 08/08/18 11:37 AM
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Originally Posted by 284
My wife and I have been seperated for going on 5 months now. Walkaway-wife. She is now in a relationship with another man she met on-line. I am realizing that all of the rejection I showed her was a huge mistake. We argued for months before she moved out but I never expected this. She says she has tried to be with me for so long and she finally had to let go. She gave me some blank divorce papers to fill out but I haven't brought myself to fill them out. I still love my wife and am realizing that its probably too late. I am taking care of myself right now and trying to keep myself busy. I have talked with a coach and he told me to do the "get a life" technique, so that's where I'm at right now. Any advise would be appreciated. Thanks!


You haven't provided much detail. Did he new relationship start before or after she became WAW?

My immediate advice: Do what the coach says! GAL like a madman. Also detach as Cadet tells you. You have to let her go. 180s where necessary. And just be the best 284 that you can be.

On the divorce papers, this is typical pure laziness on the WAWs part. I would get rid of the papers. When she has you served, then you deal with it. But since you do not want the D make her do all of the heavy lifting for the D. Do not do her dirty work for her.

Also, "She says she has tried to be with me for so long and she finally had to let go." They all say stuff like this. Usually they "give up" once they have someone new. That is why I asked about the new relationship. Likely she was already involved in an EA with this guy when she became a WAW.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
284 #2805906 08/09/18 02:38 AM
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Hi 284, your wife's online relationship might end and she might try to come back. It's not too late, but so much damage has been done already. I hope you'll hang in there and learn as much as you can about what you can do to increase the chance that your wife will come back, if you still want her back. There are many spouses who argue and have problems and still stay together - when one person decides to cheat there's not as much you can do. It's so painful. I hope you'll keep reaching out and finding all the resources you can find about affairs to better anticipate what lies ahead.

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Thank you all for the support and advice. I have been reading like crazy and staying busy! It does seem to help.

I will attempt to put more detail in my sitch for you. H45/W44. We have known each other since Jr. High and had allot of the same friends. She has D19/S17 from her 1st M. I have S11 whose maternal mother died when he was 2 yrs old. Hi s mother and I were engaged at the time of her death. That event changed me forever, I was horrified! I raised my S alone for the next 3 yrs and dated no one during this time. As time went on, and I was no longer grieving, I decided that I no longer wanted to be alone. I wanted a woman in my life again as well as a mother to my son. The woman that I called that day is my W. She moved in with me and my son and everything was great. We got M after 2 yrs of being together and decided to move into a bigger home. Things seemed to go downhill from that time on. Neither one of us were taking very good care of ourselves physically and I became very depressed, leading to a SSM. I was ignoring her and we were NOT communicating well at all. Instead of working on the marriage, we argued constantly. I'm fairly certain that it was during this time that she started talking with OM online. .She was losing jobs faster than she could get them too which was causing financial issues as well. This went on for 6months or so. She was treating me like dirt and it was pissing me off. She ended up taking all of our pictures of the walls as ways to punish me I guess, she moved downstairs for a week, then her and her D were gone. Should of seen that coming!! She claimed she was just moving her D out and was planning on coming back home...yeah right. I wasn't buying it. I changed the door locks and wouldn't let her in. Probably went a little over the top, but did she not think that I would be a little angry? She tried to come over and would text me many times. I basically shut down. I was angry!!

4 months later, she told me she was on a date. I wasn't ready to hear that. We argued vigorously for days after that, then POOF..my anger was gone and reality set in that this was all real. I was headed for D. I told her ILY for the 1st time in months and she got really emotional. We actually started going to lunch together for a week or so. She came to the house, we were intimate, she told me ILY. A few days later she tells me that I can text her but that's it. Man, my emotions were jacked up!

I was desperate, I wanted answers. I found the DR. I listened to my coach and started GAL. Some of the best advise I've ever gotten! I'm sure that I'm doing more wrong than I am right ,but I feel better more days than not. It is also allowing me to focus more on my S.

GAL......you will feel better!!

284 #2806370 08/11/18 07:18 PM
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Having one of those days. Missing my W today! Went to therapy yesterday, realizing how much work I need in the area of communication. I'm not a very good listener either. I did feel good to talk about things though and it reminds me to be NICE to people. I'm feeling kind of stuck. I actually talked with my W in person on Wed. I was upbeat, trying to make good eye contact. It kind of felt like she was feeling me out. Had a couple of plesent texts later that day. I was curious if GD would be in my best interest since I basically shut her out of my life for so long. I don't know if I'm making things worse or better.

284 #2806376 08/11/18 07:59 PM
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Originally Posted by 284
Having one of those days. Missing my W today!


Completely normal, now what are you going to do to help you not miss her? Follow cadets links, they work. GAL as much as possible.

Originally Posted by 284
Went to therapy yesterday, realizing how much work I need in the area of communication.


This is great you are identifying what changes you need to make, for you.... not to get a reaction from W.

Originally Posted by 284
It kind of felt like she was feeling me out.


Nope you are mind reading, this will only lead to more frustration. You have no idea what she is thinking or feeling.


Originally Posted by 284
Had a couple of plesent texts later that day.


Stop texting her unless it is something important, do not ask her how she is doing...


You must start to take care of yourself, GAL like crazy, exercise...


M:52 W:49
D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20
ILYBNILWY 5/28/17
Still living together
W filed 1/5/18
W moved out 8/24/18
D final 9/18/20
284 #2806379 08/11/18 08:34 PM
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284, please listen to the advice. Do not pursue or text. Act as if nothing is wrong. Go to the gym and work out. It helps a lot. I got a membership and a trainer and really have focused on myself. Hire a lawyer to know your rights.

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