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DB346 Offline OP
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Thanks for taking an interest R2C. I don't really know what type of support I need right now. At this point I honestly feel pretty detached from my WW. The more I've read about MLC, the more it seems pretty clear to me that this is what my W is going through. I'm just confused right now, because I am having a hard time deciding whether I feel I can actually stand for my marriage through this, or if I need to accept this as the end and begin to move on. I just don't know at this point if I can get past everything she's done, and continues to do, even if she ever does come around.

I've been doing as much as I can to GAL. Spending awesome, quality time with my son, spending more time with friends, reading and working out. I volunteered to serve at church at least one Sunday a month. Trying to meet some NEW people that don't know my W, so that I can spend time with them without talking about her. I'm in IC and have started taking ADs and I'm spending almost no time in the type of misery I was for most of the last 3 months, though I do still have moments where I feel sad.

My primary short term goal right now is to get a separation agreement finished, and secure 50/50 with my son. Once that is done, I will have a much clearer picture of what my time and financial situation is going to look like going forward and I will be able to think about things more than a few days/weeks ahead.

I have goals I want to reach in terms of my weight, strength (lifting) and health. Things that I fell away from when I was fighting a losing battle with depression. I have some projects at the house I want to do, but have been reluctant to because of the uncertainty of my financial situation.

There are a couple 'trips' I want to take my son on. A couple are short-term goals, one is a longer term goal.

In general, I feel like I'm in a MUCH better place this week than I have been since BD, but I don't fully trust it. For instance yesterday was the first day since BD (3 months) that I didn't shed a single tear. I virtually haven't today either, other than getting sad reading some of the posts on this board that remind me of what I'm going through. All I'm trying to do right now is live MY life, and keep getting better every single day. Keep being the best day I can be every single day. And NOT worry about what she's doing because there is nothing I can do about it.

It isn't hard to not worry about what she's doing anymore. Maybe because now I know what she's doing and who she's doing it with, or maybe it's because I'm finally letting go of the rope, but I don't actually find myself thinking about her constantly. I don't find myself missing her most of the times I think about her. I just find myself wanting to stay away from her, not talk to her and just let my lawyer work on getting the separation agreement done and waiting out the rest of the year required by our state to see what happens in that time. She'll either come around, or she will file for D. I don't expect her to leave it hanging in limbo any longer than she has to.


Me: Late 30s WW: Late 30s
M: 12
S: 7
BD: Late April '18 (Wife left next day)
OM confirmed: July '18 (20+ years older)

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. - Psalms 34:18
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DB346,

That is one of the best responses I have read on these message boards.

Your head is in the correct place. Keep DB'ing. Keep setting goals. Keep working on you. Thing will become clear as you move through this process.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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DB346 Offline OP
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I really hope so R2C. I definitely still love my wife, but when I look at her or talk to her I don't recognize her at all. It's like she's a complete stranger. When this all started, and even after I KNEW about the A I was sure that I wanted her back but after talking to her last week, I really don't know anymore. Right now, I don't even want to think about her. What she's doing has no impact on what I need to do.

One thing that I am having a really hard time getting past is her parents inviting the OM in to their home. I'm not even sure why it bothers me as much as it does. I don't really care about it being disrespectful to me, but it definitely makes me view these people that I loved and considered my family in a VERY different way.


Me: Late 30s WW: Late 30s
M: 12
S: 7
BD: Late April '18 (Wife left next day)
OM confirmed: July '18 (20+ years older)

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. - Psalms 34:18
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,378
Likes: 21
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Originally Posted by DB346
I definitely still love my wife
You do not need to be "In love" to keep loving her. Keep loving her.
Originally Posted by DB346
It's like she's a complete stranger.
Normal.
Originally Posted by DB346
What she's doing has no impact on what I need to do.
Correct. Always "Do the right thing".

Originally Posted by DB346
One thing that I am having a really hard time getting past is her parents inviting the OM in to their home. I'm not even sure why it bothers me as much as it does. I don't really care about it being disrespectful to me, but it definitely makes me view these people that I loved and considered my family in a VERY different way.
Out of your control. You have no idea what story your X has told them.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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DB346 Offline OP
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You're right R2C, I don't know what she's told them.


Me: Late 30s WW: Late 30s
M: 12
S: 7
BD: Late April '18 (Wife left next day)
OM confirmed: July '18 (20+ years older)

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. - Psalms 34:18
Joined: Apr 2017
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It is ok being bothered with that staff but, as R2C says, you canít control that.

Just keep moving forward, one step after the other.


WW H(me): 52
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 17
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
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DB346 Offline OP
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Thanks Neffer. I'm not obsessing over it or anything. Honestly, I just feel hurt by it.

I feel like I've completely reached acceptance, and I feel good about the level of detachment I've gotten to. I know I don't need her and at this point I don't know if I even want her. Fortunately, I don't have a need to make that decision right now. I'm on my own path and living my own life. If she asks to be a part of my life again some day things might change, but right now she is not a consideration in my plans or decision making in any way. I'm only worried about what is best for me and for my son.

Despite the amount of pain she caused me, I will always love her. She's the mother of my child and the woman I planned to spend the rest of my life with. I'm definitely not in love with her, but I will continue to love her from far, FAR away and try to remain open-minded regarding R while preparing myself for D and life without her. It's in God's hands now.


Me: Late 30s WW: Late 30s
M: 12
S: 7
BD: Late April '18 (Wife left next day)
OM confirmed: July '18 (20+ years older)

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. - Psalms 34:18
Joined: Jun 2018
Posts: 89
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DB346 Offline OP
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Had a pretty good today, but now that work is over and I'm home I'm just feeling a little empty. I don't have my son this weekend and I miss him. Not missing WW which feels like progress, but I'm really hating feeling like a part-time dad.


Me: Late 30s WW: Late 30s
M: 12
S: 7
BD: Late April '18 (Wife left next day)
OM confirmed: July '18 (20+ years older)

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. - Psalms 34:18
Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 339
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Plenty to do:

Sign up for chess on chess dot com

get a really good book

Go get your favorite food and netflix tonight away

Go sit outside and breath...

No emptiness, go get your happiness... right now. No one is holding you back except you.

Peace...


M:52 W:49
D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20
ILYBNILWY 5/28/17
Still living together
W filed 1/5/18
W moved out 8/24/18
D final 9/18/20
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DB346 Offline OP
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Feeling OK today. Still miss my son, but I don't think that is ever going to change. Had to go shopping today because all of my clothes are way too big now. Feels good to be buying smaller clothes, but not very excited to spend the money right now.

Still not missing WW, but I am feeling lonely.


Me: Late 30s WW: Late 30s
M: 12
S: 7
BD: Late April '18 (Wife left next day)
OM confirmed: July '18 (20+ years older)

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. - Psalms 34:18
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