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#2802885 07/21/18 07:11 PM
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Ruby100 Offline OP
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My H (57) & I have been M 32yrs. I met him at 16yrs. He had an affair for 3.5yrs with a colleague, 23yrs younger. He doesnít find me attractive or sexy any more which, combined with the age difference is a huge blow to my SE.
He has been gone 23 months & is still with her. He still visits me, loves to chat & see our dogs (no kids involved). He is now going to work abroad. I believe she is going with him. Iíve said that I want the house cleared & that D proceedings should start. Itís not what I want but needs to happen for my sanity. Breaking up our possessions is heartbreaking even though we are doing it amicably. Iíve believed all along that it was a MLC & thought eventually he would see sense & come home. Sadly not. All I wanted was for him to come home & for us to work on our marriage. We have so much to lose. So much history & memories.
It feels like there will never be an end to the pain that Iím feeling. I feel like I make progress then something else knocks me back. He was my best friend & I miss him so much. I canít imagine a future without him. Iím reading lots of self help books; listening to podcast etc which all help to a degree but I feel stuck. I canít imagine ever dating again or trusting anyone either.


M 1986
ILYBINILWY Jan 2016
Found out about affair May 2016.
H 57yrs. OW 23 yrs younger.
Separated Sept 2016
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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-68, D36,S35
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I am so so sorry.

He was deceiving you for over 3 years? That says a lot about him.

This type of deception and loss takes a long time to recover from. Just know that time does heal. Remember that how you feel right now, is not how you will always feel. That feelings are not permanent.

Lots of self care and self love. Exercise is super important right now. It will help you release endorphins. Get a new hair style, go out with friends, and family. Volunteer. Travel. Do something you always wanted to do, but never did. These types of things are critical to building back your self esteem.

Dont rely on him for your self esteem or for validation. He is capable of lies, gaslighting, disloyalty. Hes not a good person and neither is OW.

Would you ever want to marry or start a life with someone that was cheating on his long term partner? To me that would be a huge red flag. I would run. He is not a prize.

Can yiu tell us more about you?


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
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Ruby100 Offline OP
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Hi JujuB.

Your question made me think about the progress Iíve made so far, thank you.

Iíve been on holidays & have made new friends. I go to Pilates; am involved in amateur dramatics & Iíve been doing some photography workshops & volunteering. Iím not so good on the exercising; eating or sleeping well so thatís something for me to work on. I have a great supportive family & a job that I enjoy.

My Hís move abroad has forced me to decide to divorce & itís something I really donít want to do. It sounds stupid but Iím scared of the process. He is so clever & much more financially aware than me.

I believed that this was a MLC & would come to an end. My H is not the same man as the one that Iíve been married to for all this time. In fact I canít believe that heís done this. A young girlfriend; buying a motorbike. - itís all so out of character for him.

I admit Iíve not been perfect. Who has? I have had jealousy issues although, maybe I was right to have concerns?

I am working on my SE & hoping that the divorce will be as amicable as possible. I would just like to see some light at the end of this long dark tunnel. I could feel that my mood was getting low but I think that I reached rock bottom at the weekend & now the only way is to go upwards!

Thanks for taking the time to reply & for making me see the progress Iíve made.


M 1986
ILYBINILWY Jan 2016
Found out about affair May 2016.
H 57yrs. OW 23 yrs younger.
Separated Sept 2016
Joined: Nov 2009
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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


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Ruby100 Offline OP
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Thanks for the advice Cadet & all the links. Really helpful. I will reread the books.


M 1986
ILYBINILWY Jan 2016
Found out about affair May 2016.
H 57yrs. OW 23 yrs younger.
Separated Sept 2016
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Ruby, I really liked what you wrote on Coly's thread so I checked out your thread. So sorry to see your pain, I can feel it drenching your words but I also see your light shining through brightly! You are a light!

A priest told me a few days ago, "You are not a pitiful thing! Stop looking like a pitiful thing! You are an agent of God!" This has helped me so much in my latest dark development, to keep reminding myself of that.

Why don't you think it's MLC with your H? It sounds exactly like MLC!

Why don't you think he will ever come back? Do you actually think a silly little girl like that is going to stay with an older man forever? That "love" is a counterfeit built on a foundation of sand, and that will be clear one day; but I know you feel that searing fire in your heart, believe me, I know!

It sounds like you are doing some wonderful things with your life now, that is great! And it's wonderful that you can be amicable when you are so hurt.

I've been standing for 5 years now. My stand brought me to faith and now faith helps me stand. If you are at all religious, I would check out rejoice ministries, you can get a daily e-mail from them and listen to lots of things on their site too. I don't think I could have done this without them, and of course with all that that journey led me to as far as standing with faith.

With love you to you, and encouragement! Your light is very clear through your words!

Last edited by Gerda; 08/10/18 03:07 AM.

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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Thank you Gerda for your kind words.

I saw my H last night - we are clearing the house of his belongings, ready for his move abroad.

I have been feeling like the sand of time was running out. I felt like I needed to ask him all those questions that in your despair you need the answers to. I am so frightened to lose him forever. I felt that, when he left, the opportunity to ask would be less.

So I asked why wasnít I enough? Why did he say all those spiteful things that I canít get out of my head? Why, if I was stilll his ďsoulmateĒ did he not fight for me & our marriage etc etc. Obviously I didnít get many answers. He apologised & said he never meant to hurt me but was trying to find reasons why he felt so bad at the time. If he could go back in time he would do things differently.

When I asked if he was happy, he said yes & I said that, whilst I didnít want to play the victim, because I would be fine, it seemed so unfair that 2 people could be so wicked to inflict such pain on another person & yet they could be happy. That they deserved each other because they both knew what level they would stoop to to get their own way.

I said I hoped to find forgiveness at some point but I was upset that neither of them cared enough to ask for it. From what Iíve read, the forgiveness is for my benefit, not theirs but thatís a work in progress for me.

In one sense, I agree with you about her staying with him but she is getting used to a very financially comfortable lifestyle. Surely she wonít give that up? She tells him heís her soulmate & I think she believes it - He says he canít tell her the same. You are right though - it is all based on lies & deceit & thatís not a good foundation for a relationship.

All along I believed it was a MLC but heís been in a relationship with her since Dec 2012 so thatís why I started to doubt myself & wonder if it really was genuine. How long can you put your life on hold just waiting for him to return?

Rightly or wrongly Iíve asked the questions & strangely I feel a little lighter. The sense of pressure that I had been feeling in my chest has eased - for today anyway!

I do have faith but I donít go to church. Your priest made a lot of sense - ďStop looking like a pitiful thing. You are an agent of GodĒ. I must remember that. Iíll check the website you suggested. Thank you Gerda & thank you for taking the time to reply x


M 1986
ILYBINILWY Jan 2016
Found out about affair May 2016.
H 57yrs. OW 23 yrs younger.
Separated Sept 2016
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Hi Ruby,

First of all, I want to say that this has to be a very challenging and heartbreaking time for you. Although I'm sure you've adjusted some to it because of the time it's been going on.

Your H was just going to move out of the country without getting a D? Did he explain this at all?

How have the last 23 months gone for you? Were you pursuing him and calling and asking him to come home or were you just trying to let it "run its course"?


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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Ruby100 Offline OP
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Hi ovrrnbw

Thanks for your message. Yes, with time you learn to adjust. You have to. I have highs & lows; the lows being mainly due to either the anniversary of memorable dates or if Iíd found out that they had been on holiday etc. Sometimes after his visits.

He has never asked for a D, which yes is odd. He wasnít in any hurry to clear the house either - Iíve had to push him to do it. I think that after the D, the OW will put pressure on him to M & he has told me heís not ready for that. There may also be a tax advantage for him to D when out of the UK.

In the beginning, yes I asked him to come home but as time passed I stopped as I realised it had no effect - he was so infatuated with her & his new sense of freedom. I have, on occasions, questioned him & it was probably about 3/4 months ago that he finally said he couldnít come back. Up until then he had always said he didnít know what he wanted. Now this new career has come along, he knows itís what he wants & he would have gone with her or without her. He will be back in the UK frequently &, if Iím OK with it, he plans on still visiting me & the dog.

During our separation, he would text & ask if he could walk the dogs with me or come & see us & have a chat - this has been, on average, every 3 weeks since he left. We still get on really well & when he visits; it feels so natural & comfortable & then he leaves again to go back to his new life. Because I thought he was having a MLC & that I believed he still valued my friendship (says he wants to remain friends after D), it left me in a sort of limbo for a long time. You may say that he is having his cake & eating it & you would be right but I am not ready to let go yet. I wanted to leave the door open, in case he ever could find his way back to me.

As Iím writing this, it all sounds ridiculous & that Iíve no SE or set any boundaries. If I had a girlfriend in the same situation I would be telling her to D & never look back but he has always been my best friend & I took my marriage vows seriously & hoped, at some point with all the SE work that Iíve been doing, he would see the qualities in me that he saw when I was 16. Iíve not been a complete pushover with him - but I guess I have allowed him to call the shots at times for fear of losing him for good.

Iíve pushed myself hard to GAL; to make new friends; go new places & to take myself out of my comfort zone & I feel I am more the person that Iím naturally supposed to be & for that Iím really proud of myself so some good has come out of this. I think itís his move away that has unsettled me more than I realised & fear of life post D, which I feel I have no option but to proceed with.

Sorry, what a long rambling reply to your short message! Glad you asked?!


M 1986
ILYBINILWY Jan 2016
Found out about affair May 2016.
H 57yrs. OW 23 yrs younger.
Separated Sept 2016
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