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Arshi - I don't remember the exact timeline, but I think it was around the 8 month mark after BD. I had probably been DBing for 6 months at that point. And I came to this realization over time after dissecting the marriage and what we had both done over the years. Her personality traits are fixable and she would have to commit to the process, just like I did after BD. I started therapy and it has been a huge help for me. If she came right now and said she wanted to work on the MR, my answer would be a 'no'. I would like to see a minimum of 6-8 months of IC at least twice a month and then she can come tell me if she wants to work on the MR. And then I'd commit to a couple of MC sessions to see where she's at and where I am at, and then make decision if I want to continue the MC to invest in rebuilding the MR. I don't think my ask is unreasonable, and I won't budge on it. I know she would think it's unreasonable. So, it's a moot point really. For her to come and ask me to work on the MR would be a massive step in the first place and I don't even see that happening, forget the rest. She is stubborn and prideful as well, on top of the anxiety issues, and so I know that the MR isn't salvageable in my timeline. And the best I can do is control my timeline and my needs and move forward with life.

As Vanilla always says - it is the LBS who makes the final decision.

I am at a place where I am letting some time pass before I start D proceedings. I don't want to be impulsive and let my emotions dictate action. I want to be certain and level-headed, and make sure I am ready for the new chapter in life. I don't want to use the D as some technique. I am almost there and looking forward to the next phase of life. I've had a lot of mental and emotional growth in the last few months, and my IC has been a godsend. I've finally come to understand myself better and I know what things I need to do to be a more grounded person.


No one is coming to save you!

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Maika, I found a lot of similarities between your story and my sitch.

I find it curious that the BD came only 6 months after getting your new home after she was very excited while searching for a home. But I also found many similarities with my W. I felt that during our last year of MR before BD, she had pretty much achieved all her dreams. She got everything she ever wanted. She had the nice house, the kids, successful husband, money, the luxury car she always dreamed of, etc. So, instead of being grateful for everything she had, she instead felt bored and that she needed to move on to a new life. It's sad, but that's really what it seems to me.

My W is also very stubborn and prideful. And she has low self esteem and doesn't know how to communicate openly.

I actually really like how you are approaching your situation. I learned a lot from reading your last 2 posts here (the only ones I have read).


Me:49 XW:41, M:18 years, Kids: S18,S14
BD:JULY 2017, W moved out: DEC 2017
Filed for D: APR 2019, D Final: JULY 2019
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Kiro - I feel for you and so many of our stories have such similar trajectories.

Yeh, my W had achieved a high paying job in a role she wanted; we got a new car for her (it was used but she still picked it out and it was hers); we bought a new wonderful home; kids were more stable and settled; she started a new grad program that she wanted to pursue for a long time; she had me - even though I had my imperfections back then, but I was still a decent partner - I managed all household finances; I was the primary cook; I took care of the cars and all the DIY stuff; I didn't look for a job to take care of my young kids so that she could continue on her career path; I went back to work and started contributing financially as well, even though she earned more (our industries are different and there is no way I can compete with what she can make). on the other side - I was depressed over time due to some tragic life circumstances; became emotionally distant and developed NGS; sex life kinda went lack luster over time because it wasn't meeting my needs, and probably hers too; and was conflict avoidant.

She told me she was unhappy after a few months we got married (buyer's remorse?) and has been unhappy throughout. Major news to me as I remember us being happy and making our life together from scratch. We went through hardships and made it together. We both gave up stuff to make the marriage work for us and for the children and figured how to make it manage based on our circumstances. It wasn't like we were destitute, but we made it work and we always had food and shelter even if our jobs weren't stellar in the beginning.

The other complaint she had was that she didn't have any friends and community and I wasn't interested in having friends. That she was lonely. Even when we moved to a new neighborhood, I pushed her to spend time with some people and see if it was social circle that she would've liked. I also went with her a few times to hang out with neighbors, even though it wasn't what I wanted to do. Anyways, another BS complaint that was about her and not me. I never stopped her from making friends or being more social. I was more of a home body at that point and it got worse as I was depressed.

So, all in all, I have realized that this is way more about her than me. And I can't fix her. Even if I wanted to and she was willing, I don't have the tools. I can support her and be there for her and work with her, but she removed all of that from happening. So, I am moving forward with my life, improving my flaws and creating a more grounded and complete life for me and my kids. That is the most I can ask because I have some control over it.

I am not 100% sure if she is a WW or a WAW. Feels like a mix of both to me. But, I approached DB with what I could do best and I realized what I also couldn't do. And that is the best I can ask of myself. Sometimes I wonder if I had done something differently after BD maybe things would be different. But that is a pipe dream because I did what I could do as myself authentically. And there is no one technique that can change things.


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JoeJoe1, thanks for your encouragement. It's good to know that confidence is important. I feel I'll adapt eventually to being older and having more physical flaws and re-gain confidence despite these circumstances. Just like everything it feels like a process because it's like I woke up one day and everything changed for the worse. I have to better accept it and find the positives. It's still hurtful seeing pictures of my husband's affair partners and when he told me he's no longer attracted to me a few years ago. As soon as I improve my finances I'll invest in new clothing and other things to improve my appearance but my real passion and source of confidence is in my career, faith, and related hobbies so I hope as my daughter gets older I can pursue those and not get too caught up on my age and flaws that come with aging.

Bluewave, Maika, and Arsh, it's nice to see you all supporting one another! I hope we can all find a group like this in real life!

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Hello friends,

I just wanted to pop over and say hi. Please excuse typos. I haven't posted lately because I have been traveling for several weeks. I do still read and follow many of you, whether I post on your thread or not. I am in your corner. If someone had told me four years ago that I would be taking a trip like this with my family, it would have been difficult to believe. If you have read my sitch, then you know why. If you haven't, well let's just say my world was turned upside down and I never thought it could be the same again.

And it's not really the same. That's what I want to say. It's never going to be the same, even if you do reconcile the M. You know how everyone says that on BD, the former M dies? I had a bit of trouble fully getting that. My H has made changes, and so have I, but it's the dynamic between us that is very different. So why am I saying that now? Because I can see clearly now that my initial grief and pain was not so much that I grieved the end, but more so that I was hanging on to what I had already lost. And when I read here, I see so many of you doing the same. I can feel it in some of your writings.

So I want to encourage you to let go of that. Focusing on what was, or what could possibly be with your S, isn't fruitful. It only prolongs your suffering. It will never be the same. And this should not be confused with giving up hope. Being hopeful that you can reconcile is different than holding on to a person that has become toxic for you. I think more than that, if you are pining for someone that is toxic (actively rejecting you), then now you are causing yourself additional harm. By doing that, you lower your own worth. Don't pour gasoline on your own fire! Walk away, and just swim in the sea.

I have literally been swimming in the sea every day! And traveling, exploring, soaking up a new culture, history and food. I'm so, so fortunate to be able to do this and provide these experiences for my kids. I never had this growing up. I bet when people see us together, they think, what a happy family! Or, such beautiful kids! They have no idea what my H and I have been through. You see, they also have a tinted lens, and perhaps more tinted than my delusional lens was, when all I could see is that I wanted him back. I just wanted my life back. I think many of you want that too. And while that's perfectly normal, what I am suggesting is that it is you that is the cause of much of your own pain, by holding on to the impossible.

Those compulsive, and intrusive, thoughts are not based in reality. It's the fear inside your head talking. The M is dead. And just as when a person dies, longing for them and thinking about them, will not bring them back. The person can never come back from death, nor can that M you knew.

It's okay to let go of the fear. Just let a little piece go at a time. All the negative energy you spend holding on, is energy that is being taken away from something better. From living a life now. You thinking about them and their mistakes, won't ever fix them. It's just causing you pain. Put down the gasoline can, and dive in the sea ...

This vacation is not really how I thought it would be. Nor is my M. That's far too long to go into now, and frankly it's hard to type on this iPad, but I will say, I am giving up a little bit too. Letting go piece by piece. Of the ideas, the fear, and of trying to make things happen. You know, there have been so many little annoyances and disappointments on this trip. Traveling this long with our family, is a LOT of togetherness. It forces you to change your perspective. These people can really get on your nerves too! There are no romantic dinners going on folks. This is not the M with the man I knew years before. It never will be.

The best part of this vacation, has been those simple and unexpected moments, when I stop planning or wanting something. When I stop expecting. You can't be disappointed if you didn't expect it or want it in the first place.... the best part has been just floating alone. Alone in a foreign sea and feeling the cold water around me on a hot day. I don't need him for that and I didn't before actually. You see, I just didn't know then what I do know now ...

I hope this makes at least a little sense. Your life can be beautiful. It's mostly how YOU see it.

Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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Blu- love your post! Love your insight! Love your honesty! Thanks for such valuable information!


M51 w50
T-20Yrs M-16Yrs
S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up
1 Awesum dog
BD 10/31/17
separate rooms 02/08/18
wife moved out 05/17/18

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Hi Blu,

that was deep, and a good reminder. I'm glad you're doing well.

There was a poster in here asking how many people on this board have actually saved their marriages. I could only think of a few, here's another. But, as you know, it's more than that. You've changed your life in a positive way. And that lead to something else changing. Amazing.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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Hi Blu...aren’t you my W?!!! My W could perfectly have written all your sitch. It’s always a painful reminder of the things I’ve done...so everytime I read your posts I end up tearing a little.

Glad you are walking together as a family. I’m doing the same.

You are right, IPad writing s@cks!

Sending you a big hug and an enormous thank you!


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
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Blue

Always appreciate your posts

I think I was stuck in that pining for the old m for a long time

And had misguided notions of what saving the m would look like

So I truly appreciate your candor

Which makes me more hopeful that maybe my m has been saved

Just not what I thought it would be


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Blu, as always I eat up every word you write. You are correct, we dont need a S or anyone for that matter to float through life and enjoy the journey. Those who are destined to be with us will find their way and be a companion for as long as we are meant to be together. I hope all of us who are suffering through the worst phases of our lives find the strength to realize this and let go a little bit at a time.
Hope you have a great vaca, hugs
(((Blu)))

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