Cool. Given your R status, I'd just stop talking to him completely (unless it's child related but even then keep it brief!).
I listened to a couple of podcasts by Neil Sattin. Both were over an hour long where he had Michele Weiner-Davis on. Very cool and I'd highly recommended listening to the advice straight from the horses mouth.
There was another author on there to that is worth checking out. Has to do with ex bf recovery, . com
To me, it was very similar to Divorce Remedy in terms of the "remedy being twofold. It was very helpful and goes hand in hand with DB techniques IMO.
I agree, I like the MWD vids. There are some other nice gems out there pending on what you want to get into and the time you have.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
Hey guys, I am still here. I mostly just lurk on the boards. ExF and I have been working on things for nearly a year. I realized that I am not happy with him. I had hoped the changes would stick and his words that I shouldn't have listened to, were true. He is a very selfish man and that I cannot change. I've realized that my life is a couple weeks of good and then bad. He has reverted back to his old behaviors that made me very unhappy before.
I've been really seriously questioning whether we should even be trying to work on this for a few months. I started having dreams of other men being kind to me and romantic. This is something that didn't happen before.
I've done a lot of IC as I seriously thought there was something really wrong with me. I worried I was a narcissist, too controlling, bipolar etc. I blamed myself for everything. "Well, if I wouldn't have gotten upset about x, y, z then he wouldn't have called me names or came home." etc. I think she helped me realize one side cannot fix a relationship.
I did change in the months we were apart. I know I will be ok on my own, I know that there is someone out there that will love me the way I want and need to be loved. I know that I don't have to live trying to force someone to want to
He has an odd way of thinking about life. He is able to do as he pleases but I can't do the same. We have to do what he wants most of the time. My attempts to GAL are met with anger and passive aggressiveness from him. Last night I got a break-up text from him after going to hang with friends. Mind you he did the same hung earlier this week. I don't want to continue to receive break-up texts for the next 10 years of my life. It doesn't make me feel safe. I have finally came to terms that this is an unsalvageable relationship.
I don't know what I need right now. Maybe I'm just venting and needing somewhere to put my thoughts.
I didn't speak to exF for most of the weekend. Today he called and wanted me to come spend the day with him. I declined and reminded him of the break-up text and got off the phone. He then sent me some texts still wanting me to spend time with him. My only response was that I do not want to spend the next 10 years of my life getting break-up texts when he is angry.
He called me again this evening and asked if we could talk. I agreed and we met up and talked. He said his feelings were hurt when he wanted to spend time together on Friday, that I wouldn't give him a clear answer about my plans and then I went to hang out with friends.
He essentially did the same thing earlier in the week and I did the same to him out of spite. Probably super immature of me. So we talked more about that. I told him I am not happy with how our R is going. It feels like we are going down a path right back to old R and we were both unhappy in it. He agreed and said he thinks if we were nicer to each other our problems would be solved. I agreed that we need to be nicer and think of more solutions.
He said I need to talk to him when I am upset about things and I told him he is very unapproachable and only gets angry when I bring anything up and I listed examples. He apologized and said he will work on it.
We talked more about what each of us want. I mentioned more QT, random talks in the evening and texts throughout the day would make me happier. He would like more ML and affection and for me to spend less time on my phone. The phone one semi-annoyed me as that's his thing when we go to bed but I didn't say anything.
We had plans originally with the family on Saturday. He went alone and took the kids. He said he spent the day thinking about what he said on Friday and wished I was with them. He said there were several times he thought about how much fun I would be having and how much I would have enjoyed the activity.
This is where I get stuck. We had a great conversation, both agreed to work to make things better The second he gets angry about something we are back to square one. He gets angry and I get super distant. I feel like I just keep rolling on with one foot out the door. I realize I need to put the other foot out the door and then get suckered back in. I feel like I am doing everything wrong. I want this to work but am afraid we just aren't compatible. I am all over the place.
