If you remain in the relationship with secrets, you have shown him it's OK. So the other option is to walk away. And then that's it, you don't talk to him for a while. Let him stew in the loss of you. Let him feel horrible. You're scared to do this, I'm sure.
I'm sure he also has a trick up his sleeve. Take away his power to use those tricks. You are capable.
If he is mad, that's probably good. He is stomping his feet about not getting his way. Boo hoo.
He's yelling at other people to leave you alone, but he won't treat you right? Boo hoo. When you say he's your EX, what is the relationship status?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I'm assuming he is mad at me for calling him out on his secret keeping.
About the tractor? He's giving you the silent treatment for asking where the tractor is stored? Wow you've got quite a passive/aggressive guy on your hands. I just went back and read through your whole thread and frankly I'm not understanding why you agreed to try to recon with him when he did nothing but treat you poorly and with disrespect and continues to do so. I think the only reason he mentioned recon at all was because you were pursuing child support. He's using it to control and manipulate you. Here's my advice to you and I suspect you already know it's what you need to do- tell him the recon is officially canceled. No more dates, no more chummy phone convos, no more texting. If you canceled the legal proceedings for the child support then get that ball rolling again. Get a set schedule in place for custody and follow it. That is the ONLY time you should see or talk to him. I'm not saying completely give up on him, but he's got a long, long way to go before he starts owning the damage he's done to you and is truly ready to pursue recon with a HUMBLE HEART. Anything less than that should be unacceptable to you.
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I'm not going to play his game or chase him and have my lines ready for when I do talk to him. I told my IC yesterday that if I were in the same situation I am in now, in 6 months or 3 years, I would be so angry at myself. I just want to be happy.
Exactly, and I think you'd be much happier alone right now. Again I'm not saying give up and quit standing, but you've got to let him hit rock bottom before things might improve. By the way, is he still binge drinking?
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She also mentioned men exist that don't call women names. Who knew!
I see this so often here where women who have been subjected to emotional abuse for a long time don't even realize it anymore. They lose sight of what a "normal" relationship looks like.
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This weekend, we went out of town with friends and it was fun. For some reason I kept getting hit on by random guys. Ex made sure to come over and stake his claim. When we got back to the hotel he mentioned that he should have knocked one of the guys out. Ha ha. That was one thing during our sitch that stayed consistent, he constantly asked me if I was seeing or dating anyone and that he hoped I wasn't.
Often when a man is saying things like this it's because he is actively engaging in an affair himself. People in affairs are outrageously paranoid of their own spouse/ girlfriend, it's really ironic.
If you remain in the relationship with secrets, you have shown him it's OK. So the other option is to walk away. And then that's it, you don't talk to him for a while. Let him stew in the loss of you. Let him feel horrible. You're scared to do this, I'm sure.
It is scary to do. I KNOW I don't want to be in a relationship with secrets, lies etc. That's what our old relationship was like. I haven't called. I did answer when he called yesterday and today but was short and to the point. If we are supposed to be back in a relationship, there shouldn't be so much BS, threats etc..
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
I'm sure he also has a trick up his sleeve. Take away his power to use those tricks. You are capable.
If he is mad, that's probably good. He is stomping his feet about not getting his way. Boo hoo.
He's yelling at other people to leave you alone, but he won't treat you right? Boo hoo. When you say he's your EX, what is the relationship status?
He definitely prefers to get his way. Do I not answer his calls? I recently told my IC that I don't know how to handle conflict, so I normally just don't handle it.
He seems to be getting frustrated more frequently than in our relationship pre BD. I probably sound pathetic at times but I am much less pathetic now than I was pre BD. I stand my ground much more now. :-)
He doesn't treat me the way I want to be treated. I feel lied to in a way. 3-4 months ago he promised sunshine and rainbows and I still am waiting for those.
Relationship status: Previous, dated 7 years, engaged, never married. Current, dating each other, spend weekends together and normally 2-4 days during the week. We are not living together. Home was already mine when we started dating.
Tuesday night the whole tractor secret happened. Wednesday I got the "fell asleep" text that I didn't respond to and nothing else that day. Yesterday he calls me said he thought I was never going to talk to him again since I did not answer his call the day before, and asks if I am still mad. I told him that I am not mad, I wont be in a relationship with secrets. He makes the excuse that he was tired and that's why he acted that way and that some secrets in a relationship are ok.
I did not even acknowledge this as it is all so ridiculous. He next said he is going to order some food. I said I am going to take a bath and ended the call. This morning he calls and makes small talk, he asked what OUR weekend plans are (we have been spending weekends together). Tells me he will call me later, but then adds that I can call him if I get a break from work (I won't call). I am just so flabbergasted by all of this.
Things WERE going good! This is why I don't understand. Maybe his plan was to be a good man for a few months and then start the BS.
I'm assuming he is mad at me for calling him out on his secret keeping.
About the tractor? He's giving you the silent treatment for asking where the tractor is stored? Wow you've got quite a passive/aggressive guy on your hands. I just went back and read through your whole thread and frankly I'm not understanding why you agreed to try to recon with him when he did nothing but treat you poorly and with disrespect and continues to do so. I think the only reason he mentioned recon at all was because you were pursuing child support. He's using it to control and manipulate you. Here's my advice to you and I suspect you already know it's what you need to do- tell him the recon is officially canceled. No more dates, no more chummy phone convos, no more texting. If you canceled the legal proceedings for the child support then get that ball rolling again. Get a set schedule in place for custody and follow it. That is the ONLY time you should see or talk to him. I'm not saying completely give up on him, but he's got a long, long way to go before he starts owning the damage he's done to you and is truly ready to pursue recon with a HUMBLE HEART. Anything less than that should be unacceptable to you.
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I'm not going to play his game or chase him and have my lines ready for when I do talk to him. I told my IC yesterday that if I were in the same situation I am in now, in 6 months or 3 years, I would be so angry at myself. I just want to be happy.
Exactly, and I think you'd be much happier alone right now. Again I'm not saying give up and quit standing, but you've got to let him hit rock bottom before things might improve. By the way, is he still binge drinking?
Quote
She also mentioned men exist that don't call women names. Who knew!
I see this so often here where women who have been subjected to emotional abuse for a long time don't even realize it anymore. They lose sight of what a "normal" relationship looks like.
Quote
This weekend, we went out of town with friends and it was fun. For some reason I kept getting hit on by random guys. Ex made sure to come over and stake his claim. When we got back to the hotel he mentioned that he should have knocked one of the guys out. Ha ha. That was one thing during our sitch that stayed consistent, he constantly asked me if I was seeing or dating anyone and that he hoped I wasn't.
Often when a man is saying things like this it's because he is actively engaging in an affair himself. People in affairs are outrageously paranoid of their own spouse/ girlfriend, it's really ironic.
I am not good at using the quote feature, so bear with me. I am sad to say that I think you're right with the first paragraph. I think he wants it, but maybe not enough. I did not cancel child support proceedings. I initiated that 4 months after we split up. He is legally obligated now to provide support and has been since December.
There is more to my story that might be relevant, i.e. the 6 months I went silent from the boards. I am not sure if any of that can outweigh his bad behaviors now. I am sure I am just trying to make excuses or justify why I am confused.
Emotional abuse was evident in our previous relationship and I suspect it is continuing. I am sure his not coming over Tuesday was my "punishment" for the tractor incident. Normally I would have called him back and tried to work out the problem, basically I would have forced an apology. Not anymore.
He has always been paranoid about me and other men. And although he didn't technically have an affair, he skirted the line many timed and I think if the opportunity presented itself, he would have. Maybe not now, but definitely before.
Exactly, and I think you'd be much happier alone right now. Again I'm not saying give up and quit standing, but you've got to let him hit rock bottom before things might improve. By the way, is he still binge drinking?
He isn't binge drinking and we're also doing more stuff together. In our previous relationship he would binge drink and go MIA. He would not invite me to go do things with him and his friends. So this all has been new.
My IC thinks he is essentially "testing the waters" like a child would do to see how much I will put up with. She thinks once he realizes I'm not going to play his game, it will stop.
Cool. Given your R status, I'd just stop talking to him completely (unless it's child related but even then keep it brief!).
I listened to a couple of podcasts by Neil Sattin. Both were over an hour long where he had Michele Weiner-Davis on. Very cool and I'd highly recommended listening to the advice straight from the horses mouth.
There was another author on there to that is worth checking out. Has to do with ex bf recovery, . com
To me, it was very similar to Divorce Remedy in terms of the "remedy being twofold. It was very helpful and goes hand in hand with DB techniques IMO.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Cool. Given your R status, I'd just stop talking to him completely (unless it's child related but even then keep it brief!).
I listened to a couple of podcasts by Neil Sattin. Both were over an hour long where he had Michele Weiner-Davis on. Very cool and I'd highly recommended listening to the advice straight from the horses mouth.
There was another author on there to that is worth checking out. Has to do with ex bf recovery, . com
To me, it was very similar to Divorce Remedy in terms of the "remedy being twofold. It was very helpful and goes hand in hand with DB techniques IMO.
It's sooooo hard. We have had MORE fun together, do more things together and with the kids now during recon then we did in the past 5 years of our relationship. Makes me sick to my stomach to even be doing a break-up ALL over again. But I know I don't want the old again. Ugh
