Hes threatened to leave multiple times and then he actually did leave. Only a fool would feel secure or stable in a situation like that. I would conference with a lawyer or get some sort of prenup based on his current salary so he cant play games. This is for your kids benefit. Not yours.
Trust takes a long time to earn. He lost your trust and if he respects you enough, he will know that he needs to earn it back after what he did.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
He probably picked that confusion approach on purpose.
Him "knowing it will work" doesn't prove to you a GD thing. Tell him you'll believe it when you see it.
I still hear a lot more words than see actions. He does spend the weekends with us and some through the week and we have been planning monthly family trips. All of the hard times feels like our old relationship all over again.
I think is the biggest problem. I don't think he respects me or my boundaries. I learned in IC that I basically almost had zero boundaries. I made threats but did not follow through with them. I continue to work on this.
I had a long conversation with my sister tonight about ex and I. In the months we've been working on things, I haven't really noticed a significant change from before. There are times or moments he seems to really listen or is very sweet but the day to day is just so much like a roller coaster ride. Last night he was in a negative mood and everything I said, he thought the exact opposite. This isn't the sunshine and rainbows I thought it was going to be. When he came to me wanting to fix everything and I FINALLY agreed, I just thought things would be different.
Last week was terrible due to the child support issue. He said many mean things to me and reverted to past behaviors. I didn't see him at all through the week. We did talk on the phone but it was mostly about child support. This weekend was good. We went out of town his friends and it was a really good weekend.
This is where I get hung up. It's such a roller coaster ride. Tonight we were having casual conversation about things, and it turned ugly. I had asked where he was keeping the tractor and he said I don't know. He ended up saying he doesn't want to tell me and then once I was mad finally that it was at his parents. I don't understand why he wouldn't just answer. Realistically I don't care where it is we were just talking about it and I asked where he was storing it. I told him that I don't want to be in a relationship with secrets.
Luckily I have a IC session tomorrow and will discuss this with her. I wonder whether I am making things worse or if this relationship just isn't going to work.
I wanted to add, after the tractor conversation he ended up not coming over. I got off the phone as I was irritated and needed to make dinner. This reminds me of our past relationship where he would get mad and not come home, and he doesn't even live here. I'm not allowed to be upset at him.
If you've made threats or set boundaries and didn't enforce them you need to do a 180. People will only treat you as well as you let them. And if you show them that you don't respect yourself then they won't respect you either.
If you don't want to be in a relationship with secrets, but you show him that you will be with him, in a relationship with secrets then what do you really mean?
He's hiding an expensive piece of property and sweet talking you about the child support. Other than that, is he meeting any of your needs? I hate to say it, but I think there's a trick up his sleeve and I think you know what it is.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I got a text his morning that he fell asleep after work and that's why he didn't come over. I'm not going to respond.
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
If you've made threats or set boundaries and didn't enforce them you need to do a 180. People will only treat you as well as you let them. And if you show them that you don't respect yourself then they won't respect you either.
If you don't want to be in a relationship with secrets, but you show him that you will be with him, in a relationship with secrets then what do you really mean?
He's hiding an expensive piece of property and sweet talking you about the child support. Other than that, is he meeting any of your needs? I hate to say it, but I think there's a trick up his sleeve and I think you know what it is.
I'm terrible with boundaries. I don't want to be in a relationship with secrets. What do I do now? Tell him I won't be in a relationship with secrets?
He is meeting some of my needs but honestly not many. This is exactly what the conversation with my sister was about. We talk typically once a day on his way home from work. This is something I asked him years ago was to text etc Kore throughout the day. Words of affirmation and quality time are my love languages. The quality time has been better as we are doing more together but the words of affirmation aren't there. We went through love languages together a year ago, so he knows mine. I actually pointed out that my IC said we need MC and to talk about our love languages.
My IC told me last week that maybe I can't fix this/him and that he needs to do this himself.
Yes, tell him that you won't be in a relationship with secrets. Or, better yet, show him. Because you've told him before, but you are still in a relationship with secrets.
Last Saturday I was very scared that what I was about to say was going to cause my W to leave me. Eventually, I was able to look her, and my fear, in the eye and say that "If you think it's OK for married people to go and get a BF/GF, then I can't be with you." And then you have to leave it at that.
I know you believe what you are saying here, about the secrets and what it takes to have a decent relationship. But when you go home to him, you break from your own beliefs. Why?
Have you thought about what I said in regards to the trick up his sleeve?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Yes, tell him that you won't be in a relationship with secrets. Or, better yet, show him. Because you've told him before, but you are still in a relationship with secrets.
I suck at boundaries. In this situation, I would show him by being done?
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Last Saturday I was very scared that what I was about to say was going to cause my W to leave me. Eventually, I was able to look her, and my fear, in the eye and say that "If you think it's OK for married people to go and get a BF/GF, then I can't be with you." And then you have to leave it at that.
Saying, "If you think it's ok to keep secrets from your significant other, then I can't be with you.", and then what? He decides whether he can have a secret-free relationship?
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
I know you believe what you are saying here, about the secrets and what it takes to have a decent relationship. But when you go home to him, you break from your own beliefs. Why?
Have you thought about what I said in regards to the trick up his sleeve?
He always seems to twist things to the point that I think I overreact to things. This is actually why I didn't call him back last night. I didn't want anything turned around or for him to say "It wasn't really a big deal." I don't know why I break from my beliefs. I would like to consider myself a strong person, maybe I'm not.
I do seriously wonder if he has a trick up his sleeve. I do think he wants me and this relationship, but he wants it on his terms. He wants to be the king and for me to essentially follow this path of perfection that he creates in his head. He wants me to be a lost puppy and following his every command. Maybe he wants to see how far he can push, and I let him. Maybe I am wrong, but that's how I feel. I think the child support situation and others is all about control. He wants to control when and how much money he provides.
I haven't heard from ex since yesterday morning. He always calls in the evening and we typically make plans for the night and talk about our day. I'm assuming he is mad at me for calling him out on his secret keeping. I'm not going to play his game or chase him and have my lines ready for when I do talk to him. I told my IC yesterday that if I were in the same situation I am in now, in 6 months or 3 years, I would be so angry at myself. I just want to be happy. She also mentioned men exist that don't call women names. Who knew!
This weekend, we went out of town with friends and it was fun. For some reason I kept getting hit on by random guys. Ex made sure to come over and stake his claim. When we got back to the hotel he mentioned that he should have knocked one of the guys out. Ha ha. That was one thing during our sitch that stayed consistent, he constantly asked me if I was seeing or dating anyone and that he hoped I wasn't.
It feels like everything good that has happened since we decided to reconcile was almost wasted by this. My IC seems to think the entire tractor situation was a manipulation and I took the bait.
