Hey everyone, Ive been reading through posts for a week or so and Im not sure what I should be doing.
So exF and I were together 7 years. He is 39 and I am 34. We each had a child from a previous R and have one together who is now 5. Our relationship has been a roller coaster ride from the start. We would have periods of working very well together and then periods of not. The last few months have been hell. Ive felt that nothing I do is right and he has been waiting for an excuse to leave. He has threatened to leave multiple times over the years, usually when he is mad or if I do not agree with him. He puts minimal effort into our relationship. Actually the morning before he decided to move out we were having a R talk. I told him we need a concrete plan bc things will change for a day or two and then go back to normal. He have serious communication issues.
Ive always felt he values his time with his friends more than time with me. Our last date night was in January. Ive been telling him for months and months that I would like to take a trip for just the 2 of us. I have tried to converse with him many times to plan it, he is always too busy to even think of it. We had finally decided on a date and once his buddies called with other plans, he wanted to change the plan. When I didnt not want to change the plan is when he said he was moving out. The next day he had moving trucks and was out within 3 days.
During the move out process I didnt say much. Actually, helped him pack as I was so sick of our situation. He cried the day before his final move out day and said he doesnt know if he was making the right decision. He told me another night before move out that he has a plan and hope it works out, that maybe this will be good for us, but then turned cold the day he left and in a hurry to leave to get to his buddies house.
Not sure if this matters but he has been very verbally and emotionally abusive, binge drinks with friends and during the binge goes MIA (every 3-6 months). He had a drinking incident in Feb and decided he wasnt going to drink anymore. In April he decided to start drinking again and it has been hell since. He says I am controlling and mean. In the past while working out of town he frequents bars and often cant converse on the phone until the next day.
There is so much more to this. Im a horrible story teller I know. Anyways, so about a week after he left I started to think about the things I did to contribute to the relationship breakdown. He is rare to answer texts and if he does its a day or so later. We have to communicate due to the kids situation. I did pursue for a few days after that all happened but have since stopped. He is still wanting to have sex when he picks up and drops off child. I think I should probably say no next time?
Any advice? Im pretty sure he has had one foot out the door for a while. Ive felt many times that he has been wanting to argue so he has an excuse to leave.
Last edited by Cadet; 07/10/1811:41 AM. Reason: restored post
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Not sure if this matters but he has been very verbally and emotionally abusive, binge drinks with friends and during the binge goes MIA (every 3-6 months). He had a drinking incident in Feb and decided he wasnt going to drink anymore. In April he decided to start drinking again and it has been hell since.
Honey he's an abusive alcoholic - what more do you need to know?
Mind you, people can change - maybe if he went to AA and had a year sober and was willing to go to relationship counseling - MAYBE then it could be worth taking him back. But nothing you've told us about him so far indicates that he's anywhere close to doing that.
You need to go to Alanon, make a financial plan for your life (if he's an alcoholic you may not be able to count on his financial assistance all the time so get yourself into a financial position where you can be stable even if the money from him is irregular). And get some individual counseling to figure out why you tolerated this so far - was there alcoholism or abuse in your family?
And if he tries to come back, MAKE HIM DO THE WORK FIRST.
You're young - focus on providing a stable happy home for your children and getting healthy yourself. You didn't break him and you can't fix him, he needs to do that himself.
Sorry you are here Melisa, he seems completely unstable and yes he definitely has issues and like you say seems to be wanting to create excuses to leave.
Originally Posted By: MMelisa
He is still wanting to have sex when he picks up and drops off child. I think I should probably say no next time?
Gosh that is an absolute NO to me, child drop off and pick up does not come with added privileges nor can he take it for granted. To start off you may need to set some boundaries, I am basically in boundaries kindergarten myself, read up that thread it is quite helpful.
KML- I started Al-anon about a year ago. My problem is that I also see the good in him. He doesnt drink everyday but the binges he does quarterly are not fun. I had a hard time figuring out whether he was actually an alcoholic or not, because he doesnt drink every day or even every month. Sometimes I felt that maybe I was being the crazy one and imagining my life is like this because of the alcohol. I did have lots of alcoholism in my family, grandparents and uncles.
Financially I am independent. I bought my house 10 years ago. I make enough to support myself and kids.
I am looking to go to counseling, I just need to figure out how to find a good one We did go to one couples counseling session last year but then he was too busy with work to go back. I should have went by myself, but didnt.
Arsh18- It felt good to be close to him, but you confirmed my thoughts, bad idea. Thats one of the areas we actually spoke with the counselor that we actually work well in.
Ovrrnbw- No, he didnt say he expects sex. He just asked if I had wanted to. I did at the time. Ive decided Im going to just meet him somewhere or have somewhere to be next time we meet for him to get our S.
About a year ago, I told him I couldnt handle his drinking and MIA anymore. He needed to stop the ridiculousness or we would end the relationship. So he did well for about 8 months and then had an incident in Feb. He went to watch a game with friends and ended up driving when he shouldnt have. Didnt get a DUI or anything but should have. He decided then he was done drinking. Did good until April and decided he could handle drinking bc he is a man. Since April, I think he realized he needs to leave to have a free life without my complaints etc.
Essentially his buddies and alcohol is the OW. He doesnt drink like that at home. Only with his buddies, if that makes sense.
Thank you everyone for the responses. My head is feeling clearer. I have a hard time deciphering normal vs not normal.
Last edited by Cadet; 07/10/1810:03 PM. Reason: restored post
Most of his buddies are drinkers with families so I dont think he sees where his/our life was different. But it was.
During my thinking time, I realized even without his problems I definitely have mine too. I know I didnt create his problems for sure. I guess now I just wonder if I had changed things about myself then if it would have changed things in him, if that makes sense. Hes been telling me for years I need to go to counseling as I dont see anything wrong with myself (I didnt for the most part). I just though he needed to change and be more loving and attentive and say nice things to me, stop the immature drinking patterns and then I would be different too.
He is a good Dad. Loves having a family. And when we did things as a family or with each other, we had fun. Actually when we started dating years ago, thats the one thing he said he wanted, was a family. Things like this make me sad and think maybe I should have put in more effort. Thats why I am here.
So maybe I need to squash this whole should I try to fix this relationship thing. Idk.
Last edited by Cadet; 07/10/1810:05 PM. Reason: restored post
I started Al-anon about a year ago. My problem is that I also see the good in him. He doesnt drink everyday but the binges he does quarterly are not fun. I had a hard time figuring out whether he was actually an alcoholic or not, because he doesnt drink every day or even every month.
Ummm.....you have been in Alanon for a year and you still are not sure he has a drinking problem just because he's a binge drinker and not a daily drinker? You need to pay more attention in meetings! He's an alcoholic!
Quote:
I guess now I just wonder if I had changed things about myself then if it would have changed things in him,
Ummm....again, hasn't this come up in your meetings? That you didn't break him and you can't fix him? What exactly is it he thinks you need to change about yourself? (Not that we don't all have things we could work on in ourselves - none of us are perfect - but what about you was so terrible that it made him drink and be verbally abusive? Come on! It's on him.)
