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Im feeling a bit deceived. I feel like its common for men to come on strong in the beginning, to get a females attention, eliminate competition and then change the game. Or back down.

Had he been going slow in the beginning,.i would have dated other guys as well.

Emotionally, im feeling detached. We have an upcoming trip together and my hearts just not in it right now. He is taking me away, which is nice. But this was planned when we first started dating. Which shows im not making this up. that he came on full blown relationship in the beginning.

So yeah, its better not to involve son at this point.

I dont feel like making a strong effort though any more. I notice on the weekends son is with dad, im the one initiating tall about plans. Like its assumed that we will hang out, but hes not bringing it up. That puts me in role of pursuer or organizer. I dont know.

Im pretty confident that he likes me though. Its not that.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
JujuB #2798052 06/26/18 07:46 PM
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Hey JujuB

I'm not an advocate for children meeting the people their parents are seeing too soon. I have seen too many children in my work, who it just hasn't worked for.

But I am also not an advocate for wasting time on people who have no interest in pursing the same type of relationship I am looking for.

Just because you may talk to your current person about what you want and the type of relationship and person you are looking for doesn't mean you are rushing. You are not saying that he is that person, and you are not saying that your current relationship. You gaging your are exploring and determining if this person is worthy of your time.

10 months is long enough commitment to exclusivity to start a conversation about what the next bit looks like to you. Just by raising and exploring what type of relationship and partner you are looking for doesn't mean you are asking the man in your life to provide that tomorrow, or next week, you are only asking, is he capable; does he want to and/or what the stepping stones or pathway there might look like to get there. Part of dating exclusively is having this conversations. If your person is not willing to explore these things, then your exclusivity is not required. if that means dating him without sex or not dating him at all. Then all good.

Your withdrawal from him sounds like resentment disappointment and expectation. These are toxic to any relationship. My thoughts are that you can either end the relationship slowly by the building up of these feelings over time or be honest about what you want for your future to look like, which is having someone who is interested in growing a relationship with you and your son. One way definitely will kill any potential this relationship has. If talking honestly and openly and respectfully with minimal expectation and no ultimatum, ends a relationship then so be it. You gave the relationship your best self and it didn't come together.

All relationships are negotiations. My current partner and I had different time scales for when his children would know about me and when they would meet me. There were some tense conversations, and just because they were tense and upsetting, they didn't end the relationship, but provided a shared understanding about where his children were in his life and in the context of his relationship with me. Some of my expectations needed to change and he needed to know what I felt and what accommodations needed to be made. These conversations grew our relationship and communication and showed that we could problem solve together. It convinced me he was worthy of investing my time and life.

The other thing JujuB, this is your relationship with this man. Not mine, not anyone else's. What works for V and what works for me, doesn't mean it will work for you. You set the terms, be your own reference point. Figure out the type of relationship you want and ask for it. And just because you ask doesn't mean you will get it, or that you will get in the timeframe you want. The man you are seeing has is own wants, needs and expectations, he has the right as you do to say, ah i'm not able to give you that right now , but I can given you a, b or c. Or I don't think I can give you them at all. Then you can make an informed decision as can he. Don't deprive yourself and him, the information to make informed decisions about your life and his.

JujuB you haven't done all the work you have not to learn how to communicate with a partner. I have found that when there is mutually agreed values and goals and ways of communicating, you don't have the patterns of distance and pursuer and other dynamics, you have instead a knowing and acceptance of the human being you choose to be in relationship with and commitment to working things through.

JujuB set the tone for the relationship you want with this person. He may surprise you and step up. Or he may not and you move on to the possibility of getting what you are looking for somewhere else.

Just my two cents JujuB.

Here for you always.

Lots of Love JellyB xxx

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JujuB Offline OP
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I think i worry that communicating this to him will be a way of emotionally black mailing him. I dont want it to put him in a position in which he is doing something he doesnt want to do. I dont want him to feel the need to make up excuses to back out of spending time with son and i which is what i feel like he is doing. I know he likes me.

I think a big issue for me is feeling like my son is being rejected.

As you know, my son is adhd and there has been some concern that he is on the spectrum. Recent neurologists, and neuropsychologists think its more of an adhd issue not autism...but im talking real adhd not just a discipline issue that people typically write it off as. My son also has iq scores that would qualify him for mensa. You would think that would be a good thing. But it adds a different component to the behavior and discipline. His social and emotional maturity does not match his academic ability. And we struggle with his behavior. He has no problems making friends. He is extremely out going and fun. But he cant keep them.

When my ex first left, a lot of my family and my best friend told me its cause he couldnt handle our son.

I think i was having trouble handling son, and ex just didnt have it in him to deal on a daily basis.

My ex mil initially doted on my son. Once i got that autism diagnosis she moved to another state for half the year and she is not as available to spend time with son. This could just be coincidental, but i notice this. She barely sees him anymore, yet recently told me she cant help with baby sitting for a bunch of weeks. (Although she will help for other weeks) He is her only grandchild.

So him not wanting to hang out with both me and my son hits me big time. He hasnt admitted it. I dont think he actually could admit to something like that? Could anyone?
Instead i can see him just making excuses, probaby hoping i dont ask him or that i get the hint.

This could all be in my head as well. Maybe im sensitive and seeing sonething thats not there. Or expecting too much too early.

Right now, im just looking at actions or lack there of.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
JujuB #2798289 06/27/18 03:05 PM
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Jelly, a lot of women post and make it clear on the on line dating sites that they are not looking for a father for their kids.

But i guess i am looking for that. I want someone that will love my son.


M: 42
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Twins age 5
WAH in summer
JujuB #2798298 06/27/18 07:30 PM
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I know you worry for your lovely boy Jujub.
And he is loveable and worthy of love and being understood.

Your history with your ex saw you rejected as a package. To find someone who embraced and loved you both, is so meaningful to you. It makes sense.

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Thanks jelly. You worded what im thinking perfectly.
I will take it day by day. Keep these thoughts in the back of my head and just observe a bit longer. See how things go.
Maybe bring up a casual conversation to see how he thinks.
I often live in my own head as you know.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
JujuB #2799329 07/03/18 07:45 AM
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So just an update regarding ng... the son situation does not seem to be an issue. His view of our future does not seem to be an issue. He is looking long term, which i like.

But this past weekend was a tough one for me. I am having doubts. I could be fault finding. But i dont think so.

I dont like how he communicates with me. When he is stressed he talks to me like im his teenager or a buddy. And i feel insulted and i could see that if i respond all the time, it will be an endless cycle of bickering. My personality can only keep cool for a bit. And then i snap. Which i did.
If it goes beyond snapping, i have a potential for seriously damaging verbal lashes, because i will get to the heart of someones weakness.

It will not be banter, which is something he seems to enjoy.

An example so you know what im talking about..
me:"how did you sleep"
Him: "not good. Too much noise. Plus YOU left the curtains Open and the lights were Glaring"
Me: silence (wanting to avoid the argument of, why was i responsible for closing the curtain? Was i even the one that opened it. If you saw it open, why not just close it? Why are you incapable of any type of self awareness? Why do you look to blame every one else but you)

This was after him making a big deal that i went to sit on one particular bench that was further away and had less people on it then the one he was planning on going to.... such a small and insignificant thing, that he called me out on. Insinuating it was a ditzy choice in bench (it wasnt. Had less clutter and people around it to navigate with luggage). BUT WHAT BOTHERED ME, IS WHY DO YOU WANT TO ARGUE ABOUT A BENCH?? Why bring it up. Why criticize me for something that is just negligible. I mean who cares? Are you really that bothered by my choice in where to sit? Its only an extra 10 feet away.

I dont know if its just that obnoxious new york culture..(think my cousin vinnie) but i have just been through years of fighting and arguments and stress. I dont want to battle.

I dont think he means to belittle, but for me i see the dynamic and pattern and just dont want that. It is tiresome to me at this point. The constant complaining and negativity.

I found myself doing a lot of comparing of him to my ex. I actually missed my ex. I feel very bad that my ex viewed my criticisms as i am viewing ngs criticisms now. When we were younger, i was not good at picking my battles with ex.
And my ex just wanted to avoid the banter. My ex, did not call me out for things or look for that type of argument.
I felt so guilty i was crying about how i treated him (pre BD).


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
JujuB #2799338 07/03/18 08:45 AM
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I just dont think i want to deal.

I feel like im better off alone.

That type of bickering is for couples that are together 10 years and with kids. Not for a couple on their first trip together. If this is what its like now, when he barely sees me what will it be like in the future?

What do i even say?

I have this incredible need to just get away. But ending things will be hard.
I dont want to be impulsive either. We have upcoming plans i feel i cant cancel on. But unsure of how to get through them.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
JujuB #2799345 07/03/18 09:32 AM
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He is treating you like a guy mate when he interacts this way.

Not every guy is easy going ju. Are you sure this isn't just comfort zone stuff?

Ie unfamiliar?

It might be better to tease back or be humorous about it.

So 'I like this seat better, I get you all to myself

Oh those curtains have my name on them?

If after this you are convinced it's not for you, then explain and move on.

You are still dating at this stage.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Thanks v. Yes. Thats his personality. I can actually hear him saying "those curtains have my name on them?"
And i can see him and his daughter engaging in a back and forth banter trying to one up each other on crudeness.

So the intention might not be to belittle. But that's not my personality.


M: 42
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Twins age 5
WAH in summer
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