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Sounds like you could be starting to piece for realz...


M: 40 W: 37
T: 20 MR: 13
S13, S9, S4
BD: 1/29/18
Sep: 4/23/18 (I moved out)
8/24/18 I come home, she moves out

If you want to get out of the hole, drop the shovel.
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Clyde Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Gordie


Happy father s day

Hope you do something special


Originally Posted By: Ginger
Happy father's day. Enjoy it with your kids.l


Thanks Gordie and Ginger,

I did have a great fathers day. Spent the day w/ the kiddos, riding bikes - hanging out, then we all went and had dinner at my parents house to celebrate with my father.

My S7 had made a fathers day card in school, on the back was this poem:

"Walk a little slower daddy," said a child so
small. "I'm following in your footsteps and
I don't want to fall.

Sometimes your steps are very fast,
Sometimes they are very hard to see;
So walk a little slower, Daddy,
For you are leading me.

Someday when I'm all grown up,
You're what I want to be;
Then I will have a little child
Who'll want to follow me.

And I would want to lead just right,
And know that i was true;
So walk a little slower, Daddy,
For I must follow you."

It brought a good tear to my eye as I read it. Like most here, my little ones have gone though so much during the W's and I's tribulations, it breaks my heart.


The sun still rises, even though the pain.

Married: 10 Together: 17
M:40 W:37
D:13, S 7, S:5
1st Bomb dropped: 4/20/17 2nd Bomb dropped: 6/6/17
Separated: 7/26/17
W moved back home: 12/1/17
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Originally Posted By: Clyde

I have struggled with this, hence my reasoning to re-read NMMNG, in the book the author refers to it as covert contracts.


Yes exactly! I couldn't remember the term, but Acc just posted it in someone else's thread.

Quote:
I stopped giving her foot massages, bringing her flowers/wine about 2 months ago, other than the one to two times she has straight asked for a massage.


Good, glad you are recognizing it and working on it.

Quote:
...and decided to try and follow LRT guidelines and Sandi's rules. ....Anyhow in the past 4-5 days she has aggressively pursued me.


Yeah that is exactly how i works. You stop pursuit and pull back and she quits running, and eventually may pursue you herself. Just be careful how you react. Do you know the squirrel analogy? If you are feeding a wild squirrel you hold the nut out and remain perfectly still. They will VERY SLOWLY approach, but if you make any ANY movement to try and close the gap it sends them scurrying off again and the process starts all over. But eventually if you have the patience to hold perfectly still, the squirrel will finally reach you.

Quote:
W: I feel like you are not in to me. I don't think you are attracted to me anymore, I have really been questioning if you might be seeing someone else.


Classic temperature check! Wants to make sure you are hanging on as Plan B. I didn't post the rest of your convo in here but I will say your responses were pretty good although not 100% validation which is what this situation called for. I'd say maybe 75% validation and 25% pursuit, especially this:

Quote:
I still hold hope we will figure it out.


So try and check comments like that. Stick to validation- understanding her feelings, being empathetic.

In general that was a great post, it sounds like you have made some awesome progress in the last few weeks!!


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Clyde Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Ginger1
I will agree, Clyde, you put yourself back in this situation. You took her back very easily after what you went through. So now, yes, you do have to work with the situation you are currently in.

My advice to you: Do not treat her as a wife, and do not expect her to treat you as a husband. That means, no touching her at all (the foot rubs, seriously have to go) let her tease you with her yoga stuff. I cannot imagine you find anything attractive about her right now. She has made herself quite ugly. A little pair of yoga booty shorts shouldn't wash away that ugliness.

Do not hand her a dime. Do not make her a meal. Take nothing form her and give her nothing.


This is tough, I am proceeding as best as I can analyzing her actions/ the state of things as i go, and since they changed rapidly, its only made it tougher.

Her selfishness is something that developed over the last 2 years, now that she is pursuing - should I expect that selfishness to vanish suddenly?

She had to work Fathers Day from 10 - 5, she never asked or tried to make plans other than asking what plans were. I told her that we were just going to ride bikes and hang out, then go to dinner at my folks house, I did not invite her at that point. Fathers day morning she made me breakfast before going to work, before leaving she asked if the kids and I were still planning on going to my folks house for dinner, I said yes - and told her she is more than welcome to join us. Up to this point I had been LRT. I did not think she would go, but she showed up, my family knows things are not going well, my parents still manage to be open armed to her, my sister on the other hand would not look at her when she showed up to dinner. W was a little late, and there was no room at the table for her, my sister's kids were at the table and usually a kid would get the boot to make room for the adults, this did not happen though. My W went and sat at the counter to eat, after about a minute I was feeling bad for her so I went and joined her. though we sat together, we did not talk all that much.

It was later that night when she jumped my bones and then cried afterwards, going forward from there has been really nice on the surface, W has been pursuing me, can't keep her hands off me, been super nice etc. Meanwhile there is much that has yet to be resolved.

We had planned on going to a concert together (planned it last month), given the state of our R, I bought a ticket to go by myself last week. The show was a few days ago, I either had to break the news I was going solo, or ask if we still planned on going together. I chose to do the later, when I asked her, she said yes, and that she would buy the tickets. I already had bought my ticket, and since I did not want her to know, I told her that I would go ahead and grab the tickets, but that she was on the hook for dinner and drinks. She said that sounds good. I then said,

M: "I just want to make sure we are going to be able to go and have a good time, I can't do any more drama, are you going to be able to handle it?"
W: "As long as you are not going to pick any fight w/ me" (She says this while chuckling as if she is joking... referring to our last outing where she bought up the "sister" and teddy parties.)
M: "Thats not even funny, we both know how that went down, don't be bringing stuff up that you know I will react to, I'm not going to have it."

At that point she just kinda laughs it off, embraces me and gives me a kiss.

So we go to the show and have a great time, W still can not keep her hands off of me and is showing more PDA then usual, this is all a far cry from anything I have seen over the past 7 months since she came home.

So now I am trying to figure out my course forward, I have been warm and reciprocal to her advances, we've been intimate a couple of times a day in the past few days, a couple of them I took to the next level as we were kissing etc.

I have broken down the household finances... she has not contributed nearly enough, at this point we should be as close to a 50/50 split as possible. This is a talk we will have to have in the next few days.

I don't know that I can state my stance about the "sister" and my W's disrespect/lack of consideration when w/ her any more clearly than I already have. Should I bring it back up, or did she get the message?

As I stated in an earlier post, she initiated this separate finances - her money is hers dynamic, yeah I could of used her help last month, but that is rare. So going forward, she no longer has me to cover her a$$ financially.


The sun still rises, even though the pain.

Married: 10 Together: 17
M:40 W:37
D:13, S 7, S:5
1st Bomb dropped: 4/20/17 2nd Bomb dropped: 6/6/17
Separated: 7/26/17
W moved back home: 12/1/17
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Originally Posted By: AnotherStander

Yeah that is exactly how i works. You stop pursuit and pull back and she quits running, and eventually may pursue you herself. Just be careful how you react. Do you know the squirrel analogy? If you are feeding a wild squirrel you hold the nut out and remain perfectly still. They will VERY SLOWLY approach, but if you make any ANY movement to try and close the gap it sends them scurrying off again and the process starts all over. But eventually if you have the patience to hold perfectly still, the squirrel will finally reach you.



AS,

We must of been posting at the same time lol, what you posted above answers the question I was asking in my last post. Reflecting on the last 4-5 days i would say I did not stay still, rather tried to close the gap. Time to slow down, patience, time once again to shift gears.

The squirrel analogy is great!

Thank you


The sun still rises, even though the pain.

Married: 10 Together: 17
M:40 W:37
D:13, S 7, S:5
1st Bomb dropped: 4/20/17 2nd Bomb dropped: 6/6/17
Separated: 7/26/17
W moved back home: 12/1/17
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How classic. Starts to think you are for real and she wont get her way, then lures you back in with sex.....

and it works!

I am sorry to be really hard with the truth here, but she knows what she has in her power, because it works so easily.

Wait until the next mortgage payment is due. I would bet the farm on the fact she won't give you a dime.

Did you forget the cruel things she has done lately?

Use the other head, please!

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Originally Posted By: Ginger1
How classic. Starts to think you are for real and she wont get her way, then lures you back in with sex.....

and it works!

I am sorry to be really hard with the truth here, but she knows what she has in her power, because it works so easily.


Ginger,

No need to apologize, please keep it real, I appreciate your candidness.

What you are saying crossed my mind even before it unfolded. It's hard to know if she is being genuine, what ever the case it is a change in tides. At this point I plan on moving forward eyes wide open, with caution and the knowledge of how she has conducted herself to date.

I am seeing other advances other than in the bedroom. A few days ago I was replanting my plumeria plants for the season, I needed new/bigger pots for them... I told her I was going to go get them, she said she could pick them up as she needed to go to the hardware store anyhow, (I have a lot of plumerias) cost of the pots is well over $100, I said sure - that would be great, thx. I did not offer her any money, nor did she hesitate waiting for me to do so, rather she went and got them.

This a.m. I woke with a severe migraine, I get them because of my neck injury. They are pretty intense and most case cause me to vomit, light/noise sensitivity etc, other than taking Vicodin & muscle relaxers the only way to combat these migraines is via a massage to get my neck muscles to release. When I told her I had the migraine she offered to massage me... a real massage on the massage table, not a quick back rub while sitting in front of her.

I wear my heart on my shoulder, it was not hard to LRT the last few weeks as I was truly getting to the end of my rope. Now, given the change and her pursuit, I'm finding it hard to find that middle ground, be the squirrel sitting still as AS put it. Last night and this a.m. I was a little withdrawn, maybe too much - as where prior to that I may have been too warm since she started to aggressively pursue me.


The sun still rises, even though the pain.

Married: 10 Together: 17
M:40 W:37
D:13, S 7, S:5
1st Bomb dropped: 4/20/17 2nd Bomb dropped: 6/6/17
Separated: 7/26/17
W moved back home: 12/1/17
Joined: Nov 2016
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Read the pursuit and distance threads in newcomers and MLC

You are still playing the game

She is pursuing you and you are happy and feel things are better

I hope they are

But fear this is just a cycle

And she will distance again

And you will freak out

This is a very hard cycle to break

The answer is to be steady and detached and independent

If she pursues you fine

If she distances fine

It does not affect you in any way whatsoever

You are living your life independent of her

You are happy and content no matter what she chooses to do

And your life is so awesome

She eventually wants to get on the Clyde bandwagon


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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To add to what Gordie said,

You are living your life DEPENDENT on her, not independent of her. You flow with whatever she is feeling or doing and you gobble up the crumbs that she gives you.

This cycle will just continue if you don't break it.

Do you really think she had an overnight ephiphany from cold heard B!tch, to loving sexual wife?

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Originally Posted By: Ginger1


Do you really think she had an overnight ephiphany from cold heard B!tch, to loving sexual wife?


That question has been haunting me the past week.

I'm battling with the thought that if I am not receptive/reciprocal towards her, that I might be blowing what is left of our MR.

I am so over all the ups downs, not being able to be myself... that today I feel like ending it, I'm fed up w/ her BS, If not ending it, I feel like telling her this is how it is going to be or I'm done.

I've been reading Sandi's thread "for the newcomer w/ a wayward W. I don't know why I did not read these previous, I guess it is because I never considered her wayward until V pointed out that she does not have to have an A to be wayward. Anyhow, reading the thread has further cemented in my mind the fact she has no remorse for what she has done to the family and I.

So this week she has been getting home from work later than usual. I finally decided to put an extra cell phone in her truck to see if she was going anywhere other than work. When the cell was in her truck she did not go anywhere other than work, I checked her clock out times and it looks like she is staying at work an hour + after clocking out. They have a bar there, I believe she is staying and having a drink at the bar. Usually when she gets home she comes right to me and gives me a kiss... even if I am in bed, (I usually wait up for her to get home) she has not on these nights... perhaps so I don't smell the alcohol.

I want to tell her I know, and tell her it needs to stop, our R is in to fragile of a state to be doing this BS. This is were I want to draw the line on everything, tell her straighten up or hit the road.

Any advice on confronting? I fear that if I go on like I don't care, go on as we are, that is just what she wants. A roof over her head, etc...


The sun still rises, even though the pain.

Married: 10 Together: 17
M:40 W:37
D:13, S 7, S:5
1st Bomb dropped: 4/20/17 2nd Bomb dropped: 6/6/17
Separated: 7/26/17
W moved back home: 12/1/17
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