This is more of a generic question,for a LBS wanting to save MR, is mediation better or a contested D? Through mediation it is less hurtful financially but for someone wanting to save the MR, a contested D gives more time before the D is finalized. So for DB wouldnt a contested D be the better choice for a LBS, more time to 180, GAL and hopefully this will be enough for WAS to see changes. In DR MWD mentions that mediation has better chances for couples to recon after D, but the timelines to save the MR would be much shorter.What is the general DB advice?
I've seen arguments for and against both. Sometimes contesting will test the resolve of the WAS. However sometimes being accommodating leaves an impression on the WAS.
In your sitch I think you should contest. I think your husband is trying to make this as easy on himself as possible. You can continue to tell him that you aren't giving up and show him by fighting the divorce.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Arsh, I consulted with a Christian counselor who said "don't give him the easy divorce he wants!" regarding mediation. But the mediator with whom I spoke said "why should a court get to make decisions about your family when you can make them yourselves?"
Here's my personal thinking - if your husband is set on a divorce then I think mediation is fine. Let him get a quick and easy divorce so he can start to experience the paradise he thinks is awaiting him. Let him find out what it's really like to be divorced and alone with all the time in the world to enjoy his hobbies. It might be the greatest thing in the world for a while. Then it might start to get old. I think he your husband has to experience the free life they dream to have before they can think about what they've done. Perhaps once your husband gets everything out of his system, and you're living separately and out of the 'pressure cooker' situation you're currently in, then he'll start to have more fond memories of you and will start to regret what he's done. Since it's happening so fast he might also wake up one day and realize he threw everything away and try to fix it again. That would create a dilemma for you - would you take him back after divorce? What if you end up like me, let your husband back and he leaves again? And what if your husband wants to come back but only as a roommate or as a parent? There are things to ask yourself about the future, but for now, in your particular situation, it seems there's a higher chance your husband will come to regret his actions with a quick and easy divorce than to change his mind during a long contested divorce.
Sorry I typed that so fast because I need to go to bed, but I wanted to make a correction - "I think our husbands have to experience the free life they dream to have before they can think about what they've done."
Thanks Steve and Nicole. I see merits and demerits to both. For now I will try the mediation route, with both of us wanting opposite things it might not work but he at least cannot blame me for not wanting to mediate and listen to his side. Well, if it fails he will get angrier about not agreeing to his terms so it seems like a lose-lose with either option at this point.
Sorry I typed that so fast because I need to go to bed, but I wanted to make a correction - "I think our husbands have to experience the free life they dream to have before they can think about what they've done."
Well, H wont leave home for now in my case and has decided to get D finalized while living together. While I know physical separation is so hard, this is a new level of mental hell believe me. It is slow death by a thousand knives everyday. Everything I say and do is wrong.
Speaking of goal setting and working on self, WAH seems to be exactly on that track. He has in fact said 'after I let you go I am more productive' - feels he is a better father and spends more quality time with kids, I do not agree to this because he is angry more often at D3 - has lost weight before and after BD and maintains a good diet - extremely engaged with house hold chores, cooks, cleans which is new territory for him Is this typical of a WAS? why would they need a D to become a better person or work on themselves? I have been acknowledging everything he does around the house and get a grunt in return. Although I did not do this until now, I have finally let him be independent with all this since he seems to be wanting it his own way. Am I handling this well?
If the above is true, that is good, correct? Good for him. Just do not buy the crap that this is because of the BD. Even if he believes it (which I doubt) that is complete nonsense. For one, nobody feels a better father because they asked for D.
If the above is true, that is good, correct? Good for him. Just do not buy the crap that this is because of the BD.
Yes, I am just going with the flow, nothing much I can do anyway. Be and let him be for now, he wants to fast track the D he can move as fast as he pleases.
Just had one of those days again where H has been condescending and angry, and I let him get to me.
1) H - I have told you to not do xxx a million times you dont get it I- I m sorry you have not, I wasnt aware. Will not do it going forward now that I know.
2) I - D3 needs xxx for school and we need to share work H- When were you planning on telling me? I - I must have texted you H- No you have not I - oh i remember I mentioned while discussing the school work other day H goes silent For 2 ppl living under same roof, communication is rock bottom and H treats me like I am the biggest goof ball making mistakes every step of the way. Although I did not show any emotion, I had a good cry later and had to tell myself I am an above avg intelligent person just going thru a bad phase. Some days it is 1 step forward and 2 steps back.
The mediator H got us has suggested we get family counseling and see her back in a month. I am going to the counseling and H has declined it. I was expecting he will start by week 3 about the next appointment with mediator, but lay behold it is just week 2 and he started it already after I have had one appointment with the counselor
H - How long before we can continue with the mediation process? Did the counsellor say how many more sessions you need? I - She has not given me any number of sessions, I just have seen her once so far. H - It was f-ing embarassing the way you behaved with the L last time, this time you better have your emotions in control. I - I am sorry you feel that way, I got emotional as this is hard for me and I feel what I feel. H - So you are the f-ing victim now, after treating me like s*** for all these years? I- It is unfortunate you feel that is what happened H - cuts in and says it is agian about you here and you being the victim? Rolls eyes and makes other facial gestures I - Please proceed with what you need to do, I do not want you to be miserable so do what you think is right and convo ended due to some interruption by D3
He still has a lot of anger and resentment. I am patient and calm which truly is a 180 for me, I was a spit fire before. I know for certain that what he says is not true, we have had disagreements but he has convinced himself that I am to be blamed and blown things out of proportion. I am not sure if Hs hurry for D will even give a chance for him to see the changes in me. GAL is still limited but I try staying out of his way and out of the house as much as possible with kids. A big difference this time is I did not cry to sleep at night after this incident and I was more prepared mentally. I will stand up to my M until the day D gets finalized but seems like anything I do will not make a difference to Hs resolve. Looking for advice on how I fared and how I can improve
Very well done Arsh on the validation, and not apologizing for being emotional. He definitely is trying to play up the justifications for what he is doing, to soothe his own conscience I am sure.
I do not like the way he talks to you. Has he always used harsh language in interactions with you? Further, he is dropping f-bombs in front of the kids? (You said interruption by D3 not too long after he used that kind of language.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
