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Originally Posted By: NicoleR
Jim,

You said the divorce will be finalized soon, right? I guess you'll find out as the final papers are processed if she has any regrets because the reality of actually being divorced will surely hit your wife whereas all this time it's just been one long detailed process to get to where she wants to be. Her life doesn't sound that great from what you've said. It's not as if she has an amazing boyfriend and she's traveling around the world and living out all her dreams. It sounds like she spends a good amount of time alone.


Many of our mutual friends have commented that they don't see her anymore. I don't know if she will regret the turn her life has taken or whether she will regret it. There was no indication of regret yesterday.

I'm pretty sure she still suffers from depression. I've brought this up a few times, and she vehemently disagrees, so I've stopped flogging that dead horse.


Originally Posted By: NicoleR
If you and your wife spent 30 minutes talking over lunch and then another hour after settling the house issue that doesn't sound to me like two people who are about to get divorced. It sounds like two people who are on a date. I'm not sure how often you and your wife did that before you separated?


Our D has been weirdly amicable. I don't understand it. For years, we didn't do it much because of money and the kids, and then for years, we didn't do it much because she got tired of my endless pursuit. I fully acknowledge that I pursued hard, and drove her farther away.

I just noticed one thing in your signature - your wife appears to be older than you. This is interesting because as a man you could probably find a younger woman in her 30's or 40's whereas your wife at almost 60 might not have so, so many opportunities to date younger men. It just seems so strange for her to let you go. There's no affair on her part. We don't even hear of a MLC. It's not just strange because of age but because you've also been loyal, worked on changing yourself, and you have kids and such a long history together. You and your wife are kind of outliers here on this forum because your reasons for getting divorced don't seem warranted. They just don't seem to be so bad that they can't be fixed in counseling or with better communication. It's just odd. Perhaps I'd have to go back to read your old threads to remember more of her reasons but it really does sound like you've changed.[/quote]

Yes, she's 7 years older than I. I don't think she's worried about dating. She's said repeatedly she doesn't care if she's ever in another relationship.

I do fully acknowledge that during all the years we went to counseling, I always thought the problem was her, and I basically waited for her to change. Without her filing and moving out, I would never have suffered the introspection to realize my responsibility in the failure of our marriage. If she would be willing to try counseling again, she might see that, but she isn't willing to give me another chance.

She simply doesn't want to try any more.

And I'm kind of ready to finalize the D, because I don't think she will ever accept responsibility for her part in the failure of our marriage. I think any reconciliation would just leave me disappointed. In the time since she filed, I've heard not one word or regret, apology, or contrition. Maybe that will happen when the D is final, but probably not.


M:23 T:26
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Jim1234 Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Steve85
Regardless, Nicole is right, as the D becomes more real, that reality will be something your W has to face head on.


Yup, but I doubt she will ever realize that reality is, for the most part, the result of her decision to file and move out. I don't think anyone will point it out to her, I can't tell her because she simply wouldn't hear it, and I doubt she'll figure it out on her own.


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I need some help.

We met today with a mediator. She was supposed to provide and document the amount of OUR money she spent on her house, so we could divide up the marital pie, finish the settlement agreement, and finalize this divorce. That is the last piece of the puzzle, and the only reason we didn't finish the settlement agreement when we met with the mediator two weeks ago.

Well, she's full of excuses as to why she didn't have the number. She's known she needed to come up with this number for 18 months. I can't even begin to express how frustrated, angry, and upset I am at her failure to provide it.

She has been consistent in expressing a desire to get divorced. I don't want to get divorced, but absent any indications she wants to reconcile, accept that it's time to move on. But she just won't do anything to move it forward unless I push her.

I'd like to send her an email expressing my frustration and saying basically "Why the f^%$ are you dragging your ass when you're the one who wants to get divorced?!?!?!" in the nicest possible way.

I'm really at the point where I am done waiting, and want a resolution one way or the other.


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Hey Jim I think only you can answer your question.....you don't want a D but your tired of being in limbo.

By now you should have clarity......what is it that you want?


Married 14, Together 17
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M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
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After thinking about it all day, on Friday night I sent her an email expressing my frustration and how upset I was. I told her that for someone wanting a divorce, she seemed to be dragging it out ad infinitum. I told her her excuses for not having the information on her house were lame. I told her I just didn't care anymore what the exact value of her house was, take her best guess and lets move forward. I told her I thought the mediation session was a complete waste of time.

I haven't heard from her since. I have no idea what that means.


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Forget what she wants. Do you want divorce?


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Jim,

Your divorce is taking forever! You have the right to be frustrated by her excuses, not to mention how expensive all these lawyer and mediator fees must be. It seems you've tried to give your wife everything she wants and you've cooperated and showed her a new side of yourself. There's also been ample time for your wife to change her mind and decide to reconcile but it sounds like she's disaffected by everything. It's great that you and she were able to go to lunch and a movie and enjoy your time together the other week but it does seem like all of that is shadowed by this endless divorce process. You've been fair to your wife and she should be fair in return. I'm not sure how the e-mail sounded to her but she's been your wife for so many years and you should be able to express your opinions especially given that you have nothing further to lose.

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Originally Posted By: Jim1234
I need some help.

She has been consistent in expressing a desire to get divorced. I don't want to get divorced, but absent any indications she wants to reconcile, accept that it's time to move on. But she just won't do anything to move it forward unless I push her.


Hi Jim, would giving her an ultimatum get you to a better place? I read somewhere you should give a WAS at least as many months as the number of years that you have been together. Giving her a strict ultimatum might make it clear to her that you are truly detached and are not ready to be in limbo anymore.

And about the value of her house, would you be able to get an appraisal on it and share the costs with her? or have her get an appraisal and set up a deadline for it. This would be more beneficial to you than her under quoting the value of the house.

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Jim,

can you hire a CPA or do the research yourself to see what marital money went into her home?

Can you take the bull by the horns and handle this yourself?

If not, then I'd seek counsel about how to move things forward NOT b/c you want a divorce

but b/c she IS dragging this out - probably b/c she benefits from the status quo.


(shrugs) Too bad it's lousy for you.

So, If she's harboring doubts about the divorce - but won't tell you she wants a recon, or move towards one, does it matter IF she has internal, doubts, that remain unexpressed? Wouldn't you need more from her to truly reconcile? (& - trust me, a meaningful reconciliation would require more from her in order to last...)

So

What is it YOU CAN control in this situation? Okay then.

Time to exercise choice, and take steps out of limbo. That may wake her up, but either way at least you won't feel so paralyzed due to someone else's choices.

It is soul sucking to have that.

Keep posting


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

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Jim1234 Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Steve85
Forget what she wants. Do you want divorce?

No, I don't, but I guess I'm at the point that divorce is preferable to limbo. This has taken a long time, and gone nowhere.


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
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