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Maika Offline OP
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BH - I didn't realize you've been here as long and I Just looked at your registration date. Yeh wow!

Oh man! What would I give to just hang with some peeps from here and share our battle scars and successes over a few drinks. I wish there was a DB conference where we could all meet with special sessions by folks like Sandi, Vanilla, AS, 25 etc etc.

I hope that you're doing well and that your journey is yielding growth and calmness for you. This $hit ain't easy, but we're here as living testaments to coming out at the other end and not just surviving, but thriving in life.


No one is coming to save you!

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Maika, congrats on your 1-year BD anniversary (or perhaps congrats aren't appropriate since this is a divorce busting site), but you know what I mean.

I remember your big temperature check at the 3 or 4 month mark. I appreciated that a lot at the time because I was tempted to do the same but never had the kahonias that you did largely because I fully expected to receive the same reaction....dead certainty (but now having given her the satisfaction of knowing that you were still holding out hope, still a plan B as they say around here). Whatever, at least you knew at the time...and perhaps still know...and will never again give her that same satisfaction. Perhaps now, 12+ months in, she wonders.

Anyways, keep on keeping on my man and maybe one day you will watch as she comes to you and maybe, just maybe, she might get lucky and you'll give her another chance.

Ever wonder though why after over a year she still isn't dating?? I do in my sitch, because my ex is still not with another dude by all accounts...after 2+ years...which doesn't make sense to me given how desperate she was to get out...

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Keep at it. You have inspired me so much. I ll start wall climbing too with my daughter. Went to test it alone and it is cool! Thanks for that.

Regardless of your possible upcoming D, please do not stop to visit this site and update. I wish we could PM contact details so we could stay in touch as a few of you seem like real friends to me now.

Originally Posted By: slater
Ever wonder though why after over a year she still isn't dating?? I do in my sitch, because my ex is still not with another dude by all accounts...after 2+ years...which doesn t make sense to me given how desperate she was to get out...

Originally Posted By: lcause
M,

Keep at it. You have inspired me so much. I ll start wall climbing too with my daughter. Went to test it alone and it s cool! Thanks for that.

Regardless of your possible upcoming D, please do not stop to visit this site and update. I wish we could PM contact details so we could stay in touch as a few of you seem like real friends to me now.




Well, I would have preferred that. I dont think my XW s fast schedule was good for my children and the relationship between me and my son who is 1 AND A HALF years old now. I mean, OM practically lived with them three months after I moved out and officially one month ( 7 months after BD) after the divorce was complete.

Why wonder something that is not your business? Steer away your thoughts.

Last edited by Cadet; 05/14/18 11:24 PM. Reason: restored post

In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced
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Maika, just like J9, you are doing an honorable journey.
Keep that way. All my respect for you.


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
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Thanks Slater, LC, and Neffer.... yeh, I am not disappearing by any means, but I probably won't be posting in my thread unless there's a good update.

That temp check with W was quite something lol.. just after 3 months of BD... but, I got my answer and then I didn't waver from DBing... if she thinks for any reason I am plan B, she's in la la land and going to get a rude awakening...

I am great and loving things and making calculated moves to improve my life... smile


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Where can we read about this the epic temperature check? I would love to gain that knowledge.


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
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Maika Offline OP
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Oh man! You would have to scroll through my threads.. probably somewhere in thread 3 or 4.. i am guessing.


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M is this the festival, wine and sex night or when she invited you over to her place for dinners with the kids?


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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Haha... oh man! so many little things happened that had complicated my BD journey... the wine, the sex night, and me staying over her place for a whole week... lol...

Nah, this was the time when my hand kinda got forced and I temp checked her... I was discussing it here about whether I should do it or not and if that was against DB. But, then I got in a spot where I had to do it. Let me summarize it here so folks don't have to go fishing... but the original posts probably give you a good idea of my state of mind at that time...

After the night we had sex, I started carrying protection in my backpack - in case it happened again. The first time it was spontaneous and I didn't have protection. Anyways, she came over for dinner and my backpack was open and she saw them and accused me of sleeping around and I shouldn't invite her to dinner if I was messing around. So, now that wasn't the case and I didn't get a chance to explain cuz kids were around and we were just about to eat.

So after dinner I went over to her place and poured my heart out. I didn't know where she stood and what we were planning on doing during the separation - are we taking time apart? are we going to MC? or is it done?

After my long monologue, she basically shut me down. Her exact words were - "this separation is permanent". And then she said some other minor stuff, but basically she completely closed everything. She said that she had me over to sleep for that week so that I wouldn't get isolated abruptly - which was bull$hit because the day I stopped, she got super cold and asked me point blank if I was sleeping over. She didn't like that I stopped that. I told her that it was hella confusing for her to do that and it was giving mixed signals.

Anyways, that was the epic showdown in a nutshell. All the ambiguity that I was dealing with because of her crumbs and cake-eating had me in a mental loop. But this absolutely cleared it and I told her that I am taking her at her word and I wont' be looking for subtext or reading between the lines.

Finished my glass of wine in one gulp and left. I have not looked back since. I DB'd my heart out because I needed for me - no pursuing, no contact as much as possible, and going dark.

She never followed up on family dinners or anything together with the kids. At one point I thought of swallowing my pride and ask her out to things with the kids, and go ahead and do it even if she said no. I remember talking with Slater about it and he gave his perspective on that. The problem was that I didn't have anything to talk to her about. How do you go from complete separation to hanging out? I don't have it in me to do small talk and I had no interest in knowing about her grad program - that for me is the core of what started this. She cut me out of that part of her life and I had no interest in finding more about it.

Can't say if I had swallowed my pride and done stuff with her that maybe there was a chance to save the MR. I highly doubt it. I decided to do what was comfortable for me and I wasn't going to put myself in stressful situations. That would've been emotionally and mentally stressful and I was trying to get to a place of peace and zen.

I stand by my decision because I know it helped me immensely to have the space and not knowing what she's doing. I could focus on myself and sort things out.

So yeh, that was the epic temp check showdown. That's why if she thinks I am waiting in the wings, she is in for a shock. I have not done anything that would indicate that after this temp check.

Most importantly, I am at peace with myself. I know I did what I could do to save the MR. She didn't bite and want to put in the work. That's on her. It was solely her decision. I gave her a huge chance. She also had time for months after that to turn the ship around - she didn't.

I did what I could for the MR, and I did everything for me as well. The former is gone, but I am hella good and in better shape than ever - mentally, emotionally, and physically.


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That must have been brutal. I can barely imagine.

At the same time it sounds like you drew a lot of strength from not having to worry about that anymore and leaving the state of limbo. Part of me longs for that day. I am getting stronger and detaching, but it is so much harder to do while I am still clinging to the embers of a distant hope of rekindling the MR. Did you feel an immediate relief, or was it more gradual?

Good on you. And thanks for continuing to hang around here and offer your words of wisdom to the rest of us newbies.


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
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