HI OrangeK, I know what you mean about other people in happy marriages saying to move on or get over it. They have no idea. It's almost not worth talking to them. I felt the same way when my husband lied about where he was going in January and it turns out he took his girlfriend on a luxury trip to Dubai and I discovered her Instagram pictures of her with my husband going to a country where we planned to go together to buy furniture for our new house. A lot of my friends' responses were "just divorce him already!" or "he'll be back to you when he's done with her!" or "what a bastard!"
I think few people feel comfortable talking to someone who has been hurt to this degree. It makes them uncomfortable, they don't know what to say, and they just don't understand so they think it's just you overreacting.
Do you have a counselor or therapist? I don't remember but that might be the best person for you right now along with a religious figure. There's a book I read called "Left Alone to Learn" on Amazon that touches slightly upon how you're feeling but even that guy reconciled with his wife and it wasn't nearly as bad as what you're experiencing.
Regarding your physical and stomach problems resulting from this stress, there are definitely a variety of medications your doctor could offer if you want them. I've had so many health problems since my husband left and my stomach has been painful for most of the last eight months although I have a physical condition called erosive gastritis that may be unrelated.
I guess no one can fix this for you and there's not much even you can do to fix what's happening. There are a lot of lessons you're learning about life and what humans are capable of doing to hurt one another. It's not fair. I think you have every right to be angry and feel the way you do. I also feel like there should be something you could document or do to stop allowing this other man unlimited access to your son. I don't know where you live or what the laws are but you should take pictures of those Instagram pictures and record statements from your son and do anything possible to gather evidence to protect your son if needed. Also there must be some authoritative figure in your wife's life who can talk some sense into her, not in terms of returning to you against her will but in terms of parenting advice. Do you know anyone who can call her make it clear that her actions are harmful to your son? This other man could disappear at any time. He's not a stable figure in your son's life. Your son's best interests aren't his priority. Only you can look out for you son in this situation. I'm sure some will argue to not get anyone else involved and maybe there's no one in a position to do so, but I know my daughter's preschool teacher called my husband and said some things to him and it did make a difference.
I hope you can just keep staying alive during this nightmare and get through this court visit and get some clarity.
By the way in my career I work with people afflicted by war, from Iraq, Syria, Afghanistan, etc... Some of these people had their family members' killed by their neighbors and they had to keep living next to their neighbors, or they lost their whole families, or their kids died due to a bomb or medical shortages. Some were tortured and wanted to commit suicide but didn't for some reason. There are so many injustices these people have faced and those are the people who understand how you're feeling - if you have any refugees living near by, seek them out and I assure you you'll get better support than your average happily married friends.
By the way in my career I work with people afflicted by war, from Iraq, Syria, Afghanistan, etc... Some of these people had their family members' killed by their neighbors and they had to keep living next to their neighbors, or they lost their whole families, or their kids died due to a bomb or medical shortages. Some were tortured and wanted to commit suicide but didn't for some reason. There are so many injustices these people have faced and those are the people who understand how you're feeling
Well if that wasn't a slice of Humble Pie if I've ever been served one. Thank you Nicole I know you weren't trying to go for tough love there but you accomplished it and you accomplished it well. Here I am complaining that my wife left me when stuff like this was happening in the world.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
Hi Orange, I actually just mean those kinds of people (refugees) would be good support because they can relate better but I guess the tough love lesson is unintentionally there too - I try to use that on myself. It doesn't work that great but I do have many friends from those countries who just understand better than our fellow Westerners. My chef when I was living in Iraq got caught in the middle of a shoot out, was arrested and jailed for five years, had nothing when he got out, and is still jobless and he and his family live in a tin structure on someone's roof. I've been trying to help him but he rarely gets internet access. When I told him about my problems he said "don't worry, give me your husband's number and I'll call him and fix it for you." I kind of wish I let him have that chance. Who knows. But people from those places somehow intuitively know that you need someone to do stuff for you when you're suffering, like call you every day, bring you food, help with the dishes, get angry on your behalf about what happened to you, even so angry that your own anger seems weak compared to theirs.....you need to find people like those right now!
Hello.orange, i am kind of caught up on your situation
Listen. You have a lot going for you. You are still young. You have a healthy son, A job. Etc.
Your wife having an affair at this point is a blessing in disguise. She showed you early on who she is. If you are religious, than thank god for giving you this Intel early in your life. Everything haooensnfor a reason.
But right now you need to be smart. Forced no contact was good for you. You will eventually get out of the puppy dog love phase and no contact is the way to do it. If you stay in that phase, it will ruin you.
But right now look at the big picture which is you and your son. Make sure you do what ever is in you and the little guys best interest. Make your decisions and negotiations based on that. Do not make them based on any chance of reconciliation or any crap games she tries to pull (and she will). Stay calm and professional with her. No letters ever.
A big priority might need to be no sleep overs in a strange mans bed? What did your lawyer say about that?
I think a lot of the DB book advise is great for marital problems, but not so great for abusive high conflict divorce situations like yours.
Just focus on a good settlement for you and child and whatever you have to do to get her away fron your life and be grateful shes Om's problem now. Thats a good thing.
You will get through this. You seem like a smart guy. Just stop projecting your beliefs onto her. And change your focus onto what you actually can have an impact on.
I diverge from some folks here who talk about anger being useless. I think explosive anger is most definitely terrible and you should not be around anyone until you can get a handle on such emotions.
But, anger, loosely speaking here is a great emotion to move forward and reach more objectivity. That's just my opinion. My sitch is no way abusive as yours and I was plenty angry and it was completely justified. You are fully in your rights to feel this way. Just don't allow anger to do something stupid that would jeopardize your future and your son's future. Don't target your anger at the OM. Channel that anger to make positive changes and let it out in a controlled way.
That wasn't love or limmerance. Disordered people don't get into that state, don't choose love. Is the way they feel about themselves, good because of what they are given. It elevates them above you, makes them seem superior. Until it dissatisfied then they move on to the next one.
They know they are 'mirroring' and know they are holograms.
Also this is what happens with their children. Babies give unconditional love, as children grow to be their own people the disordered choose to make them golden or scapegoat. Their spouses and children are there to serve them, until they get bored and want better supply.
It is not love, that isn't their choice.
You know this as you have researched disorder.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I call it the glitter ball syndrome, reflecting the light around them until something seemingly brighter comes along. Reflected glory, makes them look good. Looking good makes them seem good, all excellent approbation.
Children are like cute puppies getting them attention until they need walking, poop needs clearing up or they chew the carpets. Cute puppies glorify get attention. That's why some keep having cuto babies with endless pregnancy, unconditional love and attention.
Just props in the play of look at me because I am glorious, adore me my public. I am a celebrity, and I am fabulous. Look at my new props don't they make me look good. Oh over there are better ones.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
