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MTB,

In the realm of jerk. I have a lot of practice at that.

But, if she comes to you for help, only offer help with it comes to life threatening events. If she ask for water, give her a glass.

But if she starts, coming on to you or asking for money, respectfully decline. Show your strength, show her you won't be accepting every little thing she throws at your no more and will only accept, genuine, honest, and remorseful approaches. You are not her father, piggy bank, or bailout man. You are her husband and will only be accepting that position in her life.

Being a jerk, would you be telling her no to be spiteful. As long as you are not being revengeful or spiteful you are doing the what's best for you.

IMO, nothing you will say no to or will not accept she will take it easy or lightly. She will call you all kind of names, be prepared and holed your ground. You know what's right. Stand firm on your morals. Loving a person is not always easy, and it's not always about bailing them out, sometimes the hardest love we can provide is the love of letting a person go. Letting a person learn, letting a person fall. You will hurt through this process as well. It will hurt you to see her grow thru this.

Keep up the hardwork. That's why Sandi calls it hardwork, because it takes a lot.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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Originally Posted By: mtb1981
These are the situations I struggle with. I never know what to say in the heat of the moment. I know I need to let her fall, but I'm always confused on how to respond or deny help without looking like a jerk....


WAS's hate to be controlled and manipulated. No matter how good your intentions, when you try to intervene and help a WAS they resent the hell out of it. My ex told one of her friends that her worst nightmare was thinking about contracting some terrible illness and having to be taken care of by me. Yes she actually said WORST NIGHTMARE. That is the WAS mindset, and it is damned hard for an LBS to understand how after 10 or 15 or 20 years of marriage the very person you swore to support in sickness and health suddenly wants nothing to do with you.

In short we're not telling you to "deny help" to her as you put it, we're telling you to quit jumping in to rescue her when she's not asking for help.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 616
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Me: 38
W:31
Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4
M: 10 years
T:12 years
BD:Jan 3, 2018
W moved out: Apr 13,2018
Filed for D: Jun 2018
D final: Sep 2019

"Surrender to the Flow"...
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mtb1981 Offline OP
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So... There was a rumor going around that W hooked upwith OM on Friday night. When I confronted her about it last night, she admitted to going to a party at his house that night, but denied that anything happened. I heard the whole "I'd never do anything like that, you know I don't want to have anything to do with him, you gotta believe me" spiel. Along with the "What can i do to make you believe me, I'll do whatever it takes" speech. I told her as much as I wanted to believe her, I don't. I told her I was done. It immediately turned into her getting mad and asking if I was still going to give her some of my tax money. I told her no. She flipped out and cussed me out. The end...

Fast forward to this morning, she calls me at work. I don't answer. She sends a text saying there was something she'd like to tell me. She apologized for flipping out and said she wanted to work on things. I told her I still didn't believe her and asked what else she wanted to tell me. Then she finally admitted to hooking up with OM back in January. Claimed it was a one time thing (yeah right). I was calm and thanked her for her honesty and asked her why she couldn't have told me back then when I first had suspicions and asked. She said she didn't know. Then, guess what?... She asks me if I'm going to give her the $2000. I told her no again and that I was done. She the lost it and went into a screaming rage about how much of an [censored] I was, etc. Hung up on me. Called back an hour later and asked if we could talk now that she had calmed down. Convo almost immediately went back to me giving her money. I told her no again. She said, "fine, if you won't give me the money to buy things for the kids at my house, I'll just go home abd take their beds and whatever else I want because I still have a key". I told her good luck and that I had changed the locks. Kept trying to hold our relationship over my head saying that any sliver of a chance we had at reconciling was gone because I wouldn't give her the money. I still told her no. I'm pretty sure it's over at this point. It's the last thing I wanted, but I don't deserve this crap. It's obvious I'm being used...


Me: 38
W:31
Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4
M: 10 years
T:12 years
BD:Jan 3, 2018
W moved out: Apr 13,2018
Filed for D: Jun 2018
D final: Sep 2019

"Surrender to the Flow"...
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Posts: 1,668
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Just like you said I know it's the last thing that you wanted but you absolutely did everything right in my opinion. You stood your ground and we're not aggressive about it. You should be feeling good about yourself right now despite the awful situation


M: 30, EX-W: 30, S:4
M: Sept 16'
A: Jan 17'
WW Left: Oct '17,
EXW Filed TRO: Jan 18',
I Filed D: Feb 18',
TRO Extended 1 yr - May 18'
Final Hearing - Sept 11th 18'
D Final Dec. 18'
TPO on FIL Oct 18'
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Posts: 616
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mtb1981 Offline OP
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It just really $ucks, because the last thing I want is a divorce. And who knows, maybe we'll end up making it through this. And as cliche as it sounds, this is not the woman I married. Complete opposite. The silver lining of today though is that it's made it so much easier to drop the rope. And still at times, I feel like there is something I could say to make her realize this is all a huge mistake, but it passes quickly and I'm back in reality. She's checked out. Probably has been the entire time, but kept stringing me along so she could get money from me. She's in complete panic mode right now being broke and unemployed with a half furnished place she can't afford. I keep reminding myself to just let it all go. She's cheating on me, has a substance abuse problem, and cares only about herself. SHe's not worth my time...


Me: 38
W:31
Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4
M: 10 years
T:12 years
BD:Jan 3, 2018
W moved out: Apr 13,2018
Filed for D: Jun 2018
D final: Sep 2019

"Surrender to the Flow"...
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 616
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mtb1981 Offline OP
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Thanks, Orange... This afternoon, I was proud of myself and feeling good for standing my ground. But here I am now, giving 3 kids baths and making them dinner wishing it didn't have to be like this. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I did everything I did today, but the reality that it is probably over for good is hitting hard and still hurts...


Me: 38
W:31
Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4
M: 10 years
T:12 years
BD:Jan 3, 2018
W moved out: Apr 13,2018
Filed for D: Jun 2018
D final: Sep 2019

"Surrender to the Flow"...
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 616
M
mtb1981 Offline OP
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Posts: 616
I know I'm not the first person here to feel this way, and I'm sure it's actually pretty common, but I feel really stupid. I have a strange clarity right now. I actually believed the things she has been telling me the past few weeks about wanting to make things work. In hindsight, she was just trying to keep me happy so she could get what she wanted out of me and I feel like an idiot for not realizing it then. I was in complete denial, even though in the back of my mind I knew that it was gonna play out like this...


Me: 38
W:31
Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4
M: 10 years
T:12 years
BD:Jan 3, 2018
W moved out: Apr 13,2018
Filed for D: Jun 2018
D final: Sep 2019

"Surrender to the Flow"...
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 1,668
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You are not remotely alone. My wife did the exact same thing to me in December because that's when I got paid by fire department stipend. The niceness and false hope ramped-up pretty much all through December and I unlike you caved to her demands almost instantly because I just wanted my family together for Christmas. As soon as the holidays were over and she had when she wanted the coldness returned with a vengeance. Then I was feeling just as hurt and destroyed as I'm sure you are right now , we only have one child to care for but feeling like that is a large part of the reason why I left the apartment we shared because I couldn't handle parenting alone in the home and it was supposed to be our stepping stone to purchasing a house and starting our life together for the long term. Keep standing your ground man you're doing way better than I was at this point. it took me getting legally excommunicated from my wife to do the research I needed to do and start the self-reflection I needed to do to improve myself and move on whether reconciliation happens or not, I hold no assumptions about what the end result is going to be. All you can do is take care of yourself. Keep it up man you've got this.


M: 30, EX-W: 30, S:4
M: Sept 16'
A: Jan 17'
WW Left: Oct '17,
EXW Filed TRO: Jan 18',
I Filed D: Feb 18',
TRO Extended 1 yr - May 18'
Final Hearing - Sept 11th 18'
D Final Dec. 18'
TPO on FIL Oct 18'
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,132
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MTB,

You did great. It takes balls to do what you did. It takes a LBS that won't take their WS sh!t anymore. It take a LBS that fog has lifted and start to develop confidence.

Your W wanted money and now she sees she won't be getting that. She is losing control of you. And once a person that has control of another person lose that control, they start to lose control of themselves.

It's going to get worst before its gets better. Prepare yourself. Especially when she knows you have received the money. And also she when she really figures out you won't give in to her demands.

Great Job!


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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