Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 5 of 10 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 9 10
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
Well played sir.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 616
M
mtb1981 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 616
And.... W just called. She just got fired from her bartending job. I was the first person she called. Her mood changed pretty drastically in the 5 minutes we were on the phone. At first, I think she was in shock, just talking normally and kind of laughing about it. Then she mentioned the fact that she just signed a year lease at her new place, and her whole demeanor changed. Shaky voice and what not. Then she said she had to get off the phone because she wasn't feeling well. I hate to say it, but I'm happy as hell. That job was the whole catalyst of the situation we are in. Hoping this helps shake her out of the fog...


Me: 38
W:31
Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4
M: 10 years
T:12 years
BD:Jan 3, 2018
W moved out: Apr 13,2018
Filed for D: Jun 2018
D final: Sep 2019

"Surrender to the Flow"...
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
Originally Posted By: mtb1981
And.... W just called. She just got fired from her bartending job. I was the first person she called. Her mood changed pretty drastically in the 5 minutes we were on the phone. At first, I think she was in shock, just talking normally and kind of laughing about it. Then she mentioned the fact that she just signed a year lease at her new place, and her whole demeanor changed. Shaky voice and what not. Then she said she had to get off the phone because she wasn't feeling well. I hate to say it, but I'm happy as hell. That job was the whole catalyst of the situation we are in. Hoping this helps shake her out of the fog...


mtb, I've followed your sitch from the beginning. Your WW seemed more wayward than any I've heard of before. I think this might be the trigger to clear the fog. That and now being on the hook for a year lease. The question is, are you open to letting her come back? No one would blame you if the answer was "no way!"

Did she say why she got fired? I remember there was some drug use suspected, if not outright known. Was her drug usage causing her to become erratic in her work ethic? Not showing up for shifts, etc?


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 616
M
mtb1981 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 616
She said they fired her for keeping the bar open too long on Sunday. The law states that everyone has to be out by 2 AM, bartenders included. It was very common for her to kick everyone out at closing except for her friends and stay there until past 3. Cops came one night a couple of weeks ago and had to kick everyone out. I'm assuming the talked to the owner. He told her he watched the cameras and there was no reason for her to be in there past that time. Also, she left in the middle of her shift on Saturday night for 20 minutes or so (probably to do drugs), and put another employee who was in there drinking, but not working behind the bar while she was gone...

To answer your question, I am open to her coming back, but not immediately. She's gonna have to show me some serious changes and that she really wants to work on it. I'm tired of being told what I want to hear, so she can use me to get through any tough spots, and then jumping ship once she gets what she wants. If anyone has any thoughts or ideas on how should deal with this situation, I would be glad to hear them. I'm guessing I just need to be strong and stand my ground. Let her fail and really hit rock bottom. I've been there too much to soften the blow in the past, and no lessons were learned. At the same time, I don't want her to think that I'm not there for her in a time of need. I believe it's a fine line, and one that's hard to find...


Me: 38
W:31
Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4
M: 10 years
T:12 years
BD:Jan 3, 2018
W moved out: Apr 13,2018
Filed for D: Jun 2018
D final: Sep 2019

"Surrender to the Flow"...
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 616
M
mtb1981 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 616
I'm guessing my best course of action is to continue what I've been doing the past several days. Lay low and keep NC. Let her come to me, and try not to be too available...


Me: 38
W:31
Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4
M: 10 years
T:12 years
BD:Jan 3, 2018
W moved out: Apr 13,2018
Filed for D: Jun 2018
D final: Sep 2019

"Surrender to the Flow"...
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
My advice, stop rescuing her. You've done it all along you've said. So as you said she's never learned anything except that good ol' mtb will be there to catch me when I fall, no matter what I've done prior to that. Teach her that being on her own means she has to hit that bottom when she falls.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,132
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,132
MTB,

Your W is on her way down. Please don't get in the way of her fall. It's her job to pick herself up and claw herself out of the mess she has created.

It was her choice to sign a lease. You wasn't included in on that decision. The journey she's on now is hers alone. I know you want to rescue her, but you will only prolong her getting help and healthy.

She got fired because of a choice she made. She knew the rules.

She decided to leave her family.

You see all the parallels. Everything has been her decisions, let her live and learn from her CHOICES.

You are doing the right things. You are being a light tower. A light tower doesn't move. It just beacons. All the boats must come in it's direction. You are being the rock for your children. Continue to be that tower and dont you move towards her or reach for her until she comes back to you remorseful and committed to doing the work necessary to creating a great M and R between the two of you.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: mtb1981
I'm tired of being told what I want to hear, so she can use me to get through any tough spots, and then jumping ship once she gets what she wants. If anyone has any thoughts or ideas on how should deal with this situation, I would be glad to hear them. I'm guessing I just need to be strong and stand my ground. Let her fail and really hit rock bottom. I've been there too much to soften the blow in the past, and no lessons were learned.


Yup. I agree with you (and Joe and Steve), you've got to quit rescuing her. Just leave her to it.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 616
M
mtb1981 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 616
These are the situations I struggle with. I never know what to say in the heat of the moment. I know I need to let her fall, but I'm always confused on how to respond or deny help without looking like a jerk....


Me: 38
W:31
Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4
M: 10 years
T:12 years
BD:Jan 3, 2018
W moved out: Apr 13,2018
Filed for D: Jun 2018
D final: Sep 2019

"Surrender to the Flow"...
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
Originally Posted By: mtb1981
These are the situations I struggle with. I never know what to say in the heat of the moment. I know I need to let her fall, but I'm always confused on how to respond or deny help without looking like a jerk....


Admittedly not my strong suit either. SO I will let others offer guidance. However, being a jerk and looking like a jerk are two different things. One you control (being a jerk). Looking like a jerk is up to those that observe you, and you can't control that. You could do everything right and should could still see you as being a jerk. That's not your problem.

So my suggestion? Let her fall in the most unjerklike way you possibly can. Be detached, lovingly. Validate when she contacts you to complain and vent. Go back and read the threads on detachment and validation. Study them. Have the information in them at the ready.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Page 5 of 10 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard