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44tries,

The inevitable refers to your wife finding out that you know about the affair. She already suspects you know, and in fact, she probably left her phone unattended so you'd snoop. Now you have a choice, you can play games or you get to the heart of the matter.

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I don't see it as a game. I see it as Intel that in no way changes how he should be DBing his WW. I think 44 is in a good place with this and shouldn't upset the apple cart just now with a confrontation.

Many on this board think WASs are so crafty about leaving their phones unattended for the LBS to find. And maybe some are. And then a lot of times people are just careless because that's what humans sometimes are.


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Doodler,

Thank you for clarifying, I see what you were saying now. I'm not sure that she suspects I know. I confronted her about the texting that one time, but I was very unassuming and as far as I know she bought that I was just being precautionary (at the time, I really didn't know anything for sure). As for leaving the phone intentionally, it's certainly possible, but I don't think so. I have thought about why she seems so careless about the whole thing--does she really think I'm dumb? Is she dumb, as often happens with cheaters? Does she subconsciously or consciously want me to know? Who knows. But I have also wondered why, if she truly wants me gone and doesn't care about burning the bridge, she wouldn't just tell me. Seems like pretty strong ammunition to get me out the door.

Anyway, it sounds like you think I should confront her. I agree that inevitably it will have to come to light, one way or another. But, as Sandi and Steve have said, it feels like confrontation now will just push her further down that road. Right now I have time on my side and can focus on myself and DB, and let the A run whatever course it's going to. I don't think have any control over it, whether she knows I know or not. I won't deny there are times when it's extremely difficult to just sit or drive quietly while she's two feet away sending little heart emojis or whatever the ****. But I limit these times to the minimum I can and assume this is where tremendous patience and self-control are required. I would love to hear more of your thoughts on "getting to the heart of the matter", though. All opinions welcome.


Steve,

Your input is in line with the way I thought I was supposed to be handling it. I am rather new to this 'game' stuff and didn't really think of it that way either. What is the reason a WAS would leave their phone for LBS to find rather than just tell them if they want them to know? They don't have the guts? I don't really want any of this to be a game. I just want to handle this awful situation the best way possible, come out the other side in one piece stronger than I was before, and leave no stone unturned if there is any chance to save the marriage.


M: 26 W: 26
M: 1.5 T: 3
No kids
BD: 31 March 2018

W's affair began: 23 March 2018
Affair confirmed: 18 April 2018
Confrontation/claims she ended A: 14 May 2018
Ended in-house separation: July 2018
Joined: Apr 2018
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From the VERY limited number of people I have gotten any "real life" feedback from on my situation, they also seem to think I need to confront her. I'm aware they probably have bias and have no real idea in the way of DBing. But, I don't want to get too far down one tunnel, so I'm considering it objectively knowing there seems be a consensus there.

I'm really torn because I can see a lot of logic on both sides. I am okay and able to go either direction; I just want to do what's best. Would love to hear more thoughts on this issue. Sandi, you mentioned the exposure puts a lot of 'pressure on the H to do something.' Could you expound on this more? Thanks everyone.


M: 26 W: 26
M: 1.5 T: 3
No kids
BD: 31 March 2018

W's affair began: 23 March 2018
Affair confirmed: 18 April 2018
Confrontation/claims she ended A: 14 May 2018
Ended in-house separation: July 2018
Joined: Apr 2018
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One last question I forgot to include--you talk about how once she knows of the A, any act I do like accommodate or be friendly could be interpreted as willing to compromise with it and any respect she has left flies out the window. My question is when she learns I know, won't the fact that she can look back and know I knew at this time, have the same effect? I hope that made sense.


M: 26 W: 26
M: 1.5 T: 3
No kids
BD: 31 March 2018

W's affair began: 23 March 2018
Affair confirmed: 18 April 2018
Confrontation/claims she ended A: 14 May 2018
Ended in-house separation: July 2018
Joined: Mar 2016
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Originally Posted By: 44tries
My question is when she learns I know, won't the fact that she can look back and know I knew at this time, have the same effect?


44tries,

Yes. Thus, you either have the conversation or you go play games.

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What do you hope to gain by "confronting" your wife? What more do you need to know about how she feels?

If you feel you need to know more, then just talk to her, but be real.

You don't have to feel guilty about looking at her phone. Just say you did it. If she passes judgment, who cares. It's done, you did it, so what. This is really hard on you, it's confusing, and you're trying to find your way through it. No apologies, no excuses needed.

Stop thinking in terms of "if I do X, then she'll do Y, then I'll do Z". The more you treat this as a chess game, the more you dig yourself into a hole of suffering.

Find your self respect and honor, and build it. If you don't see those qualities in yourself, your wife probably won't either.

You'll get through this.


Me: 50, MLC/WW 45
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I don't hope to "gain" anything. There is nothing I need to know. I know confronting her is not some magical fix to my pain or the MR, and my job will become much harder if I do it.

In some ways, it feels like an opportunity to show self-respect, leadership, and the fact that I have a spine. What better way than to draw a hard line and make it clear this behavior is completely unacceptable and won't be tolerated. Sandi always talks about making the W feel like she's the one being dumped. Well, I could certainly use this to try to turn the tables. The problem is it's sort of an all or nothing gamble; I have to be prepared to truly drop her. I have already lost her, though, so I don't really have anything to lose in the gamble. Everyone says the turning point is when your W knows (not thinks) she's lost you.

On the other side of the coin, it's hard to give up the perceived opportunity to DB in much calmer waters. I have to live in this house with her. We are on good terms now. In fact, if it weren't for the A, I would be pretty hopeful. MWD talks about the 3rd step being to watch, watch, watch. Look for signs of interest and improvement. Well, my W is the one who follows me around the house like a puppy. I am the one to politely close the door in her face when it's bedtime because she lingers. Anything she does that isn't work, she invites me to come along. I can definitely see the appeal to ignoring the A (especially since it's so fantasy-based), and trying to build on the positive signs.

Ultimately, I want to do what's best for me. I don't want to focus on her or the MR. Of course I care about that, but it doesn't take priority over my well-being. That's why some alarm bells went off when I got the feedback that I can't suffer in silence. But again, I'm trying to be objective. ForGump and doodler are right, though--I don't want to treat this like a chess game or any type of game at all. Perhaps that only leaves one choice...


M: 26 W: 26
M: 1.5 T: 3
No kids
BD: 31 March 2018

W's affair began: 23 March 2018
Affair confirmed: 18 April 2018
Confrontation/claims she ended A: 14 May 2018
Ended in-house separation: July 2018
Joined: Apr 2016
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Aw man buddy really wish I could read your response! Hope they fix this issue soon...


M: 26 W: 26
M: 1.5 T: 3
No kids
BD: 31 March 2018

W's affair began: 23 March 2018
Affair confirmed: 18 April 2018
Confrontation/claims she ended A: 14 May 2018
Ended in-house separation: July 2018
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