Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 10 of 11 1 2 8 9 10 11
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
to be clear, when I said "and I'm still standing" I do NOT mean that I'm standing for my marriage.

It's over.

My guess is that x will marry OW b/c - why not? He cannot be alone, it would take so much work for him to change and make amends to the kids, or me...

much easier to "start fresh" and lose us...as he has.

He was willing to take the chance of losing his family to live in Alaska, for whatever reason (and that was before OW, too).

Now he won't be alone (which he detests). So yes, it's over.

And I'm alright. Depersonalizing it has helped immensely.

It's NOT very complicated, but it is very hard.

takes work, which you and I and many others around here, are willing to do.

(((( ))))


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,167
Likes: 3
B
BluWave Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,167
Likes: 3
(((25)))

Thank you for stopping by, friend. It is interesting how things change, and even when it feels that things might never change they always do, eventually. When I started reading here 3.5 - 4 years ago, my life was upside down. I found these forums post-BD when H had left me for OW, my father had recently passed, and my oldest D was spiraling out of control during her teen years. I was sickly underweight, chronically anxious/depressed, and everything felt hopeless. I memorized the rules, but couldn't follow. I would read your posts about reconciliation, relationships, and the advice you offered others. I loved your smart and lengthy posts, and would even search for them just to read your words. You, Sandi, Starsky, Wonka, and others.

And now you are entering a new chapter, and one that I believe will be full of joy and more genuine relationships. Through your battles, and with those battle scars, you inevitably gain more resilience. You also gain a keen and refined BS detector and so you will waste less time on people that are not worthy of your attention. I truly believe this!

And somehow I am still M, and perhaps even in a better M than previously, but with the same man? Who could have predicted we would be here back then? I don't think you could have convinced me of that. So onward we both march into new and uncharted territory. The difference, that you are now D and I am still M, is of less relevance than what it is we have learned along the way. I think we have both learned a lot. We have learned about love, looking inwards, hard work, and self improvement, because we were willing. Fortunately my H was willing to do that too, because had he not, this M would not be working for me.

I know this all sounds so cliche, but in every storm that we weather and survive, we come out a little bit stronger. For that I like who I am today so much more than who I was before BD. I actually like my H more too. I am not smitten, nor disillusioned to his flaws, but I like who he is more. He has changed too. He did the hard work along side of us. Newcomer friends, you deserve (and should only want) your S back if they also do this. This is a MUST.

What hasn't changed in my M is that we both are still choosing to love each other. As Cadet keeps telling us "love is a choice." It's that simple. The bigger difference now is that if he no longer chooses me, I know I will be just fine. Actually, I'll be better; I will be better off because I believe that after I weather another storm, I'll be yet again even stronger than before!

Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,167
Likes: 3
B
BluWave Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,167
Likes: 3
10,000 views? Wowzer, people actually do read this :-)

I am going to try and update at least once a month, just to keep up with the boards and let you all know how I am doing. Maybe I should move myself over to Piecing? I don't really think of us as piecing. We are pretty much pieced back together. Maybe we are refining or detailing, but I am pretty sure that will be an ongoing and forever process. Like all relationships, it continues to change and evolve.

I don't know if there is much traffic over in Piecing. Mostly, I want Newcomers to see that their sitch--and the pain & agony--is temporary. I can't go back in time and comfort my left behind self, so I just tell all of you what I think I needed to hear. I wish I could tho. There are so many things I would love to go back and tell my disheveled and brokenhearted self. Geez, I was such a mess. Never again will I let a man bring me down that hard. Nope.

I handle myself and my M differently now. I try and look at my own behavior more and see how I can better it. It's not easy some times. I try to be introspective instead of just rationalizing it. I get impatient and snappy with my H and kids. I gotta work on that. I also don't put up with much BS from anyone. If you send a clear message you only have room for respect, people rise to the occasion. I don't have the energy to bicker. I want to enjoy life.

I have several cool trips planned coming up: Hawaii, hiking/camping, Spain, and some spa time. Some family time and some trips with the ladies and no H :-) Before BD I felt like we needed to do most things as a couple. I don't feel that way at all anymore. I also love my alone time! I have a big bday coming up so it's really on my mind. It's the big one guys. People say it's just a number and it only matters how you feel. Noted. But it matters to me! Especially when you give up your 20s to raise kids. I hope I can embrace this aging with strength and dignity. Weeding out toxic people has helped too.

I don't really have much new to add. I'm somewhat boring and no drama these days. I'll take that! I am going to need to start a new thread soon. Thinking about what I might title it this time ... "Bluwave is going over the hill"???

Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,167
Likes: 3
B
BluWave Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,167
Likes: 3
journaling a bit.

Today I took my middle to the pedi for a check-up. She is a teen now so I waited in the waiting room. I felt this unexpected flood of emotions and started tearing up sitting there. I remembered being in that same waiting room when she was a newborn in her carseat and when her younger sister was a baby too. It just hit me out of the blue -- thwack -- and reminded me how we all continue to rewrite history, even unintentionally. Because those were never sad times, and here I am now, trying hard not to cry.

After the babies were born, H took time off work and we spent a lot of quality time together. We would spend days just holding them, staring in awe, long walks, coffees, naps, and picking up older sisters from their schools. I recall these as some of our most precious moments together. I think the times we felt closest were our first years together and the year or so after each of the babies were born. I cherish these times we had and those memories so much.

However, what I realized today is that these same memories feel tainted a bit by what happened the many years after at BD. My tears were not only that of joy for my girls growing up, but for the damage that came later. Even though his A and our separation happened when the girls were older (not babies in car-seats) I was reminded of that time too, even when reflecting on a time that had nothing to do with that. I had to shake off those tears and ask myself "why?" Why does this still so many years later come up for me? And why at times that have nothing to do with *that*?

So I texted him about my sadness. And he replies that he is sorry, that he understands, and that he wishes he could change things but he can't. And I believe him. It's not because of his words, but that he shows my consistent actions daily. I know he wants more than anything to erase his mistakes and I know he is sorry. But he can't change what happened and nor can I. So this is no longer about *that* but this is about my own rewriting history in a way. Because when I think about where I thought his state of mind was when those babies were in car-seats, I wonder now if I was off. Did I not see something in front of me? What did I miss?

Yesterday I read the last thread by the poster ItHurts and it really had me thinking. Even after 4 years of D, a GF of 2 years, he still has a strong love and longing for his ExW. My sitch started over 4 years ago too. It goes to show that even after so much time, and so many changes, sometimes the love remains. Reading his thread reminded me that even if I never let H back that year later, I think he would still take up space in my heart, even all these years later. So now the only thing I can change really is my perspective on all of it. I am still working on that part.

Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 209
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 209
Hi Blu!!!

I love the updates. Please keep them going.

I should really get back on track with my own sitch, but I had the mods delete my "Piecing" threads a few months ago. A part of me just thinks I'm being phony anymore. Maybe I'll create a new one again, I dunno.

Anyway, I know what you mean about those memories. I think we discussed this one time, when I look at pics in the past, I now think, "was she cheating on me back then?" Everything in the past now seems distorted and questioned.

Perspective. Great word.

You're lucky in that you can text him and tell him how sad you are. If I even remotely mention ANYTHING about the affair, I get a flurry of anger, damning me and wanting to know why I'm still living in the past.


Me: 52
Her: 48
2D 26 & 16
M: 25 years (together 30)
EA/discovered by accident Valentines day 2016
Admitted SOME physical but no IC.
We know that's a lie.
Status - tryin to R
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,167
Likes: 3
B
BluWave Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,167
Likes: 3
(((Storm))) I am so glad you stopped by :-) Please do keep posting. It's hard I know, but try once in awhile.

I think it's important that those of us in peicing (or that have reconciled) continue to post. It shows the Newcomers how much changes down the road. After BD we are all so fixated on just getting our S back, that we can really lose perspective of the big picture. If they read more posts like ours', they can see how much work it really takes, that is doesn't always work out even when they do come back, and that really the goal (and true success) is saving ourselves. We cannot change people or force them to come back.

I am sorry things are still hard. I hope you will update. It concerns me that she is not able to support you through this process. As we both know it takes a very, very long time to learn to forgive, trust, and love again. Train posted to me some threads back that she will had struggles at 3 years in. My H has been back for 3 years now. I think there will always be ups and downs. If you are both choosing to stay in the M, then you must both accept that it's going to be hard. Why is she not able to validate your feelings do you think?

I find it hard to read/post here sometimes. It is a constant reminder of a more difficult time. I admire those veterans that have been here for so long and keep it going. One thing that has been happening to me lately, is I feel myself having less patience with posters. I think I need to address a bit of that.

I hear (read) people say that DB doesn't work and where are the success stories. First off, I have said again and again, success is not getting your M back. You cannot force someone to come back to a M just as you could not force them to stay in the first place. There is not authentic way you can trick your S into being married to you. What you CAN control is you. If you can learn to heal and become a better person in this mess, well that is success. It also will more likely lead to them being attracted to you again.

I read a poster wanting to know where the success stories were. I think many that have reconciled do stop posting. For me, it's hard to post. I find myself triggered and I also find myself less and less patient with posters talking about the rules but not actually following them. I see posters pining for a S that is truly mistreating them and it breaks my heart a little.

I have read LBS talking about being cheated on, lied to, abused, neglected, removed from their home, watching their S abandon their kids, and all sorts of egregious behavior. These people sound as if their S has done them a favor by leaving! Why oh why do you want this person back? The concept that they are an alien, having a MLC, or it's just a "different version" of them, is a sad and pitiful excuse to me. Let this person go. Learn to value yourself and know your worth. In time you will attract someone that sees your value too. My H was wayward, selfish, and neglected us too. But let me be clear, he still did not abuse me or my kids, he left our home, he paid half the bills, he saw our kids every day, and when he started to come back, he presented someone that was changing for the better. That criteria IMO is a must before you should consider taking someone back. So what can you actually do before they start changing? Let them go, detach, and save yourself.

The success stories are all over this board in those that have truly followed the rules and worked hard on their 180s, GAL, and detachment. That is success. Saving yourself is the best success! You cannot change them and why do you want someone that treats you so badly?!?

Perhaps someone needs to swoop in and give me a 2*4? Anyone??? I have been reading some threads lately from Newcomers and I can't even bring myself to reply. The doormat behavior just kills me. I know this is really, really hard to do -- just read my threads back, I get it, I have been there! But if you keep clinging to someone that is walking all over you, you will never move forward. You have got to hold your head up high and respect yourself. Your S will not want you back if you are waiting around for them or letting them walk all over you. I read someone post (not in these exact words) that they would rather be with someone than alone, even if they were being abused. This makes me terribly sad. No one, and I mean no one, wants to be with a person that thinks so low of themselves.

I consider myself a success story. And it is not because my H is back. It is because I now know what I deserve. H being back is the added bonus. I truly mean that.

Storm, we all have so much to learn from you too. Even if your M is not where you hoped it would be. The posters also need to see that the fantasy they hold of their M being restored is that-- mostly a fantasy. This is a lot of hard work any way you dice it. It is going to be hard to go forward with D and it's going to be hard to reconcile with all the damage.

Anyone other veterans get easily frustrated at this stage? ... I know someone is reading here. And I am sorry for my impatience, but people, you have got to stop spending all your energy on wanting your S back and start creating a wonderful life that others (including your X) will want to be a part of.

Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,920
Likes: 2
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,920
Likes: 2
Blu!! Thanks for sharing your thoughts and perspectives. I have always immensely appreciated reading about your journey and it has helped me a lot mentally and emotionally. I am by no means a vet, so I will leave your query to them, but I do feel a bit impatient with the hopelessness and wanting to turn things around quickly on the newcomers board. Well, I was kinda like that at some point, so it's hard for me to judge them. But, I know what you're saying.

Storm - so good to see you back. I wholeheartedly agree with Blu about continuing to share your story. I learned so much reading your story and that piecing is no walk in the park. No joke! Gave me good perspective, which I think is invaluable to the newcomers who are just trying to get their spouses back, not realizing that the journey after that is tough and brutal too.

Thanks to both of you for sharing.


No one is coming to save you!

Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,167
Likes: 3
B
BluWave Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,167
Likes: 3
Maika, thank you so much for saying that! I am glad that people find something helpful in my posts. Yes, the needing and wanting immediate results quickly is what we all want in a way. It's just not how it (or life) works. This process takes a long, long time and things will continue to change in unexpected ways. The reality is that you cannot change another person, only yourself. Any marriage program that claims that one person alone can save a marriage, is utter nonsense! So we each were given this gift, which is the rug pulled out from under us, and now we can no longer deny we are on the floor and need to get ourselves back up!

Gordie, you had a disappearing post! I hope you will write it again!

I don't have a lot to add. I'll be honest and say that my triggers and resentment still bubble to the surface at times. I can't help but wonder if it will always be that way. It's so confusing to look at someone and know that they are a good person, that you love them, and that you want them in your life, but then to continue to have a reminder pop-up of something so dark and terrible. There are no more sharp pains, but the dull aches can wax and wane, and I keep thinking I have to fix it or make it go away. Then I wonder is there something wrong with me? Am I not strong enough, forgiving enough, or am I lacking genuine compassion for him and his own process? Because like all of you, I can only control myself in this, but sometimes I don't like what I see in myself. I think I talk a good talk, but I know I can do better.

Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,866
Likes: 1
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,866
Likes: 1
Hello bluwave,

My experience, my perspective is different from yours. Not once did my ex waver in his decision to leave us. There were never any sentimental exchanges or mixed messages, so my opinions and understanding of your situation will certainly differ. My thoughts about wayward spouses is different and that might just be my own coping mechanisms..


However, one thing i notice from the LBS usually after BD is this huge guilt. For not being able to keep their emotions in check. When i first signed on we were all giving each other 2x4s when we dared to show our emotions to our ex's, when we dared to react or call our ex out over their sh!tty behavior. God forbid we weren't these perfect lighthouses shining the light for our lost and cheating spouse. Many of us take on this huge guiltfor minor infractions compared to the actions of cheating, lying, stealing

I look back and want to throw up at that mentality. In the name of marriage we were propagating putting up with very abusive situations. We were not only being hurt by pur spouses, we were being our own worst enemies.

Now heres the thing...whats wrong with having an emotional reaction (as long as it's not destructive or abusive) torwards a person that is not treating us correctly?

Your ex did some pretty sh!try stuff. And yes, he has turned around and made it right. But why are you taking on guilt for reacting to his sh!try behavior? Its natural. It's to be expected. You did nothing wrong. Having moments of anger or detachment is ok because its what you feel. So what if its been a while. If he's done the right thing. You are entitled to these feelings and they are due to his actions. His actions have consequences.

What I'm trying to say, is that you did Nothing wrong. Maybe start accepting yourself and your emotions that are natural.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Page 10 of 11 1 2 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard