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mtb1981 Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Steve85
She obviously needs some serious therapy. I'm starting to be worried for her life. is she into any other substances other than alcohol? I've had friends like this caught in the clutches of hard drugs like coke, crack, meth or heroin

I agree. She needs help, but she is at a point where she is not open to getting the help she needs, and the last person she will listen to is me. I said something to her about it a month ago. I was and still am genuinely worried about her health. But she is in the frame of mind that everything I say to her is a personal attack to make her feel bad, or a ploy to get her to come back. It's the exact opposite of that. I just want her to be happy and healthy. All I know is that there is nothing I can say to make her see this. As far as other substances go, she has been taking prescription opiates again and began messing around with cocaine...


Me: 38
W:31
Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4
M: 10 years
T:12 years
BD:Jan 3, 2018
W moved out: Apr 13,2018
Filed for D: Jun 2018
D final: Sep 2019

"Surrender to the Flow"...
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mtb1981 Offline OP
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Talked to W yesterday, and told her that I was no longer willing to live like this. Gave her one last chance to move back home to work on things. Explained to her that we needed to go to MC and she would need to get IC or rehab to deal with her substance abuse issues and personal issues. Told her she would have to quit the bartending job as well. If not, I will be filing for divorce. This is no idle threat, I am ready to do so because her current behavior and actions are toxic. The kids and I do not need to be around it. She was nearly speechless. She tried to convince me that she should still get her own place and we should date. I informed her that W the bartender is not someone I am interested in dating and her current lifestyle is very unattractive. I have a lot to offer and she can take it or leave it. She said she would let me know today. I told her that was fine, but that I was very serious about what I said...


Me: 38
W:31
Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4
M: 10 years
T:12 years
BD:Jan 3, 2018
W moved out: Apr 13,2018
Filed for D: Jun 2018
D final: Sep 2019

"Surrender to the Flow"...
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Originally Posted By: mtb1981
Talked to W yesterday, and told her that I was no longer willing to live like this. Gave her one last chance to move back home to work on things. Explained to her that we needed to go to MC and she would need to get IC or rehab to deal with her substance abuse issues and personal issues. Told her she would have to quit the bartending job as well. If not, I will be filing for divorce. This is no idle threat, I am ready to do so because her current behavior and actions are toxic. The kids and I do not need to be around it. She was nearly speechless. She tried to convince me that she should still get her own place and we should date. I informed her that W the bartender is not someone I am interested in dating and her current lifestyle is very unattractive. I have a lot to offer and she can take it or leave it. She said she would let me know today. I told her that was fine, but that I was very serious about what I said...


Well done. This is one case where I support a hard ultimatum. It will save you and the kids a lot of pain, but it could even save her life.

Well played, mtb!


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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mtb1981 Offline OP
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Well... Unfortumately things went like I were afraid they would would. W "moved" back home the day after she signed a lease on a new place. She told me she wanted it to be available if things went south. She stayed home the first 2 nights, and was gone the next 2. Home another night and gone for 3. The pattern continued, and she has officially moved into her place a few days ago. I will admit, I became weak and put up with her behavior for the past month again. I really felt sorry for her, and wanted nothing to do but help her. I now realize I was just enabling her and preventing her from hitting rock bottom. I really feel stupid, but I'm not going to beat myself up for it any longer. She was in a bad place mentally and physically, and I thought I could "save" her. I now realize that is not my job. It's really hard watching someone you care about so much hurt themselves the way she was. Lesson learned. The worst part is that I was in a good place mentally before she came back, and now I have to go through the actions/emotions to get back there...

I am currently going NC and getting back to being the best I can be for myself. The tough part is dealing with the emotional manipulation. She still tells me she loves me every time we finish speaking, and I struggle with not saying it back, even though I know that's what I need to be doing. I need to be moving on...


Me: 38
W:31
Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4
M: 10 years
T:12 years
BD:Jan 3, 2018
W moved out: Apr 13,2018
Filed for D: Jun 2018
D final: Sep 2019

"Surrender to the Flow"...
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 616
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mtb1981 Offline OP
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I would also like to add that during the past month she made many comments about how she wasn't going to move into the new place, but just wanted it as a back up. The whole time, she kept furnishing it and getting it ready to move into. She is getting rent assistance from CEFS and said that it needed to look like someone was living there, or they would not help out with the rent. Up until a few days ago, she swore she wasn't planning on moving in there, yet was staying there several nights a week for the past two weeks. "Believe nothing they say and only half of what they do". Ain't that the truth...


Me: 38
W:31
Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4
M: 10 years
T:12 years
BD:Jan 3, 2018
W moved out: Apr 13,2018
Filed for D: Jun 2018
D final: Sep 2019

"Surrender to the Flow"...
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 616
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mtb1981 Offline OP
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Me: 38
W:31
Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4
M: 10 years
T:12 years
BD:Jan 3, 2018
W moved out: Apr 13,2018
Filed for D: Jun 2018
D final: Sep 2019

"Surrender to the Flow"...
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 616
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mtb1981 Offline OP
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Posted from my phone and it didn't go through...

Anyway, I just found out last night that my wife is cheating on me. I noticed on Snapchat that she was messaging from OM's house. I decided to drive by there, and only his car was there. I saw earlier in the evening that she had sent messages from a local hotel parking lot. When I drove by there, she had her van parked in the back. Checked my phone again, and she was still messaging from OM's house. So what's the best thing to do in this situation? Call her out on it or keep my mouth shut?...


Me: 38
W:31
Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4
M: 10 years
T:12 years
BD:Jan 3, 2018
W moved out: Apr 13,2018
Filed for D: Jun 2018
D final: Sep 2019

"Surrender to the Flow"...
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 616
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mtb1981 Offline OP
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Any advice on how I should/should not confront my wife when I get home from work later would be greatly appreciated. Thanks...


Me: 38
W:31
Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4
M: 10 years
T:12 years
BD:Jan 3, 2018
W moved out: Apr 13,2018
Filed for D: Jun 2018
D final: Sep 2019

"Surrender to the Flow"...
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mtb1981,

I'm very sorry about your predicament; it's a terrible thing to discover that a spouse is cheating.

The advice about the best approach will vary, but I'm a hard-liner so be sure to get input from others. Having said that, I think your best course of action is to throw her sh*t out in the front yard and change the locks on all the doors.

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Being myself a (former) wayward, I totally agree with doodler. Sorry for your situation mtb, best of luck, stay strong.


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
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