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Just remain vigilant. It will eventually come to light. And they always deny it. Even in the face of proof. In my wife's EA i had a message from her to him clearly saying more had gone on and yet she still denied they were more than just friends singing on the internet together! So remember: believe nothing he says and only half of what he does.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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The hardest part of all of this, is realizing how much of a part of the deterioration of the marriage I am responsible for, and now losing hope on how to fix it.
Still not sure if I initiate R talks at this point, try to get back to us sleeping together, or detach. I think it was my detachment that pushed us here to begin with.

It is scary! It is also bizarre to feel so scared after spending all of these years together.

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We all go through that. In fact, we should start a seven steps to DBing list.

1) Self blame
2) Feeling like detachment will make us look like how we used to be

On your responsibility, yes, it takes two to get a marriage to this point. No doubt. However, you can't change the past. All you can do is from this moment forward be the spouse only a fool would leave.

On detachment, look up differentiation in marriage. Detachment isn't about cutting all contact, it is about not allowing his words and actions to cause you to react. Read the links Cadet sent you in his initial post in your thread. They are invaluable.

Lastly, that fear you mention in your last line shows you are too codependent. Please Google "differentiation in marriage". If you don't differentiate you will have no chance at saving at your MR, and worse, no chance of moving forward healthily.


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Thanks again, Steve! It is so incredibly helpful writing about this and getting feedback.

I will revisit the posts about detachment and will certainly research differentiation in marriage. I have never heard of it. I know I have exhausted all reading material on the internet about MLC and "how to save your marriage if you are the only one who wants to."

I had never thought of myself being too codependent. My fears stem from my fear of a divorce from my husband and the subsequent fall out from that... change in family unit, possible change of home, lifestyle, etc.

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Absolutely don't initiate R talks. There's no point at this point.

I strongly second Steve's comments on differentiation.

You said your husband had no other complaints, but if you dive deep, I bet you can identify exchanges you frequently have that end in bad feelings or frustration. I would pick one or two of those and work on doing a 180 on your part of those exchanges. There might be other things that you can think to change too.

Are you employed? If you're a SAHM with an H who gives every indication of having an affair, I would spend some time thinking about how you can support yourself in the future. Don't take steps without consulting a lawyer, but start researching options.


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
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Hi Rose,
Yes, I am employed full time, with a secure job. In fact, my husband and my incomes are fairly comparable.

I will continue to dig deeper. I know he has commented that I rarely showed affection in the past, but this is similar to the sex-starved piece. Also that I did not want to go out as much as he did, as he is very social.

In my first attempts, I set up numerous couple dates for us, which went ok. I also made plans with friends on my own.

Also, he actually seemed more responsive when I was teary in our initial conversations.

Now that he is so shut off from me, I don't feel that I can set up any dates. I have been acting similarly cold to him at times, even though I am trying to stay positive and upbeat. It is so incredibly difficult!! I don't want to do a 180 showing only weakness; it might just not be in my nature, and it seems to go against Michelle's advice. I may have initiated aspects of the Last Resort Technique prematurely.

I will keep trying to delve into myself some more. I have reached out to a therapist, but have not yet had any meetings.

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I hate to say this, but up until a few days ago, I was in your shoes, saying that there is no affair. Little did I know!

I am not saying that he is having an affair, but you need to keep your eyes open and you need to consider that this is a possibility. Have you thought about what you will do if he does have an affair?

In the meantime, while you have no proof, I suggest that if intimacy happens between the two of you at some point, you should seriously consider condoms.

***

I'm no expert, but I will say this: you shouldn't be cold, but you are right to have stopped crying.

Be cheerful. Be upbeat. Be happy. Happiness comes from within. Do not let him influence your mood. Minimize contact with him, but always be happy when he talks to you. NOT the "I'm glad you're talking to me" kind of happy. Rather, "I'm having a great day and I'm sharing this joy with the world" kind of happy.

But do not cry. Crying may bring about a momentary pang of guilt, but it will drive him away in the long run. People in MLC are incapable of sustained selfless emotional response - it is all about them and your tears soon become inconvenient and then they will begin inducing anger. So, I think you're right to have stopped crying around him.

Work on GAL. It doesn't have to be extremely social. Do a mix of individual and social tasks. Or, depending on where you are in life, apply single-minded focus to something you have been striving for. Your life is no longer about him. It is now about you - what you need and what you want.


Me: 28
H: 30
T: 9 M: 7

WAH: First half of 2017. Round 2 started in Spring 2018.

Husband has begun an affair.
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Thank you for the advice, Olya.
As you know, much of this is so much easier said than done!
I don’t think quite honestly I can withstand an affair. Like I said in one of my last posts, it was my gut instinct from the start. Other than the wretched MLC symptoms, nothing else had really occurred with our relationship to warrant the huge changes in him. I just wish I could find some proof without resulting to snooping and becoming a crazy person.

I will continue to work on myself. It’s hard when your children are visibly upset with the situation and don’t understand it. They come to me only with questions and their concerns, and I barely get it myself!

The therapist I contacted called me back, and we set up a meeting about a week and a half from today. He would like me to ask the H to join us, and I told him I would ask him. I also informed him I was doubtful he would attend.

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GAL process feels weird at first, but the more you do it, the easier it is going to be. Just love yourself enough to give yourself that first push.

Regarding goal posts... I don't know. I'm pretty sure that it is my goal post too. But does it matter? The goal is that if or when he walks out, he is not walking out on a broken woman. For me, it is also about agency and choice. I want to be in a position where I have a lot more say about whether the marriage goes forward or ends in divorce. Right now I have none. That will change.

So, if you think about it, this process is helpful no matter what happens.


Me: 28
H: 30
T: 9 M: 7

WAH: First half of 2017. Round 2 started in Spring 2018.

Husband has begun an affair.
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Thank you everyone. I’m so grateful to have found this forum and to have found the courage to post. Your insights, advice, and suggestions are already greatly valued.
I was talking to my girls tonight about my new running group. I shared with them, although they could already see and knew, my love for it. This is a group of happy, positive people, who do nothing other than support and congratulate you on your efforts. It is such a welcome change from the doom and gloom of my H right now. Perhaps I will even run another marathon someday in the future!
Olya, I appreciate your insights about GAL. There are times when it feels awkward. I have relied too long on my husband and family for social plans and activities. I think it is easy for moms to do. I certainly don’t want to be broken and want a say in what happens with my marriage.
Does anyone have any feedback for me about counseling? I have never been...

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