We have friends from out of town visiting, very last minute so I didn't have any time to mentally prepare for their arrival. They have children very close in age to ours so it ended up being fairly smooth.
Tonight I get home and WH and I get in a flight while the visitors are out at the beach. I told WH I knew he was up to no-good on his phone again (found evidence he is, in the very least being inappropriate with another female at his work) and that he is an @[censored] and a bad father. He called me worthless and he only had sex with me out of pity in the past. Then he told me to die from the STD he gave me. There was more back and forth but that was really the worst of it. I told him I was done playing nice and wanted him out sooner rather than later. He left with DD7 and DS5 to take them to a play place and left the kids with me.
I've never thought of him as evil before but I think that may be an appropriate adjective now. Who tells the mother of his children to die from an STD he gave her? I have no idea who this monster is. My hands are still shaking and I think I may have to find a way to go completely dark after our divorce. I can use a parenting talk app to coordinate all our communication post divorce. I am not healthy when near him. I am seriously considering unleashing my 6'1 cousin on him and let him finally beat his @ss. He's been beggin for at least a year now to "make him finally cry."
Last edited by Cadet; 11/13/1802:27 AM.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
You are only realizing he is evil now??? No contact, gray rock.
Realize that any one capable of the cheating, betrayal, lies and gaslighting has to be void of empathy. They are only nice when you have someting of value to them.
MLC, regret, foo issues are all excuses we like to project onto them because many of us here are not capable of that type of cruelty and its hard to understand that people are actually that empty, narcissistic, sociopathic, etc.
Best to not take it personally. You wouldn't expect kindness from an alligator right? Dont expect it frim them, unless it serves their needs. Yiu are dealing with extreme end of spectrum selfishness.
That's awful. Seriously, you and I should put out a vote here to decide which of our husband's hurtful statements should be the winner. Mine says we should have aborted our daughter. Yours says to die of an STD. Maybe it's a tie?
Everyone has fights and says things they don't mean. Usually an apology is issued in normal cases and usually the comments are not cruel to that extent.
I guess if anything your husband is making the divorce easier by not giving you anything to miss.
I really, really hope you get through this soon and can find peace. Take care and keep us posted.
We have friends from out of town visiting, very last minute so I didn't have any time to mentally prepare for their arrival. They have children very close in age to ours so it ended up being fairly smooth.
Tonight I get home and WH and I get in a flight while the visitors are out at the beach. I told WH I knew he was up to no-good on his phone again (found evidence he is, in the very least being inappropriate with another female at his work) and that he is an @[censored] and a bad father. He called me worthless and he only had sex with me out of pity in the past. Then he told me to die from the STD he gave me. There was more back and forth but that was really the worst of it. I told him I was done playing nice and wanted him out sooner rather than later. He left with DD7 and DS5 to take them to a play place and left the kids with me.
I've never thought of him as evil before but I think that may be an appropriate adjective now. Who tells the mother of his children to die from an STD he gave her? I have no idea who this monster is. My hands are still shaking and I think I may have to find a way to go completely dark after our divorce. I can use a parenting talk app to coordinate all our communication post divorce. I am not healthy when near him. I am seriously considering unleashing my 6'1 cousin on him and let him finally beat his @ss. He's been beggin for at least a year now to "make him finally cry."
Hi Sara,
I'm so sorry to read this. As if you are not going through enough right now that to have to deal with more disrespect and drama from him. Sigh. Your H seems to seriously lack introspection. Does this make him an actual narcissist? I am not the psychiatrist here, but it does seem that he is somehow unable to look at himself or inside himself. It seems in your sitch, the only time he has been able to change his behavior is when he finally accepted that yes, he could really lose you.
It seems tho, that with each time he realizes he is losing you, it takes him longer and longer to reach to that point. It's almost as if he becomes increasingly desensitized to the process. My thoughts are that this time, even though you are following through with the D process, it will yet again taken him even longer. Longer to realize he is losing you and longer to actually do something about it. He is somewhat predictable in my mind. This time, he may need to be living on his own for some months, or have another A that burns itself out, before realizing what he is missing and essentially ruining with you (and your family together).
Will you wait for that time? Or will you give him another chance I should say? My sense is you won't and you are serious this time. I see that you are reflecting on the past, what you want and deserve, and even grieving the loss of what could have been. That all sounds like the right and healthy path to me :-) So perhaps it is time to give up on getting any intel or reacting to what he is doing? Can you just assume that he is flirting, being inappropriate and attention seeking? Sometimes letting go of the mystery and accepting the worst helps. I just worry about your stress level and your heart (literally and figuratively!). You mentioned the fight with him started when you called him out on his behavior. Maybe in his mind that even fed his ego a bit (Sara still pays attention to me and cares) ...
If he does "change" his behavior and come back around, is it too late for you? Or maybe I should ask, when will it be too late for you? Like I said, he always does come back to you eventually, it just takes him longer and longer (and more and more action from you) to get there. And when he does come back, he does show you positive changes. Why don't they stick is the big question?
My concern is not if you will be okay, because you are so strong, intelligent and insightful, I have no doubt you will be fine, with or without him! My concern is what will happen when he finally does come back around this time. Because while his behavior changes, he doesn't actually do the hard work. It doesn't seem (yet) that he has really looked inside and been able to grow and make changes that are genuine and long lasting. I think you deserve that and so much more!
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
At this point I want to knee cap him and tear his tender parts off and feed them to piranhas.
It's actually quite nauseating to read your posts. I know that's not helpful.
Yes it is evil, if he meets the DSM criteria it is referred to as anti social personality disorder.
If you want more disgusting things these horrid cheating scumbag say try 'I would be better off if you were dead' and 'your father should smother your mother. It's easy I should know', 'Don't fall out of that (fourth floor) balcony window the local police will just think you were drunk'.
Oh and try 'I only gave you gonorrhoea' you can take antibiotics for that said to one pregnant woman.
The mask has really fallen, was this the much needed spell break, or does he have to go even further for you to be told by him?
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
That's awful. Seriously, you and I should put out a vote here to decide which of our husband's hurtful statements should be the winner. Mine says we should have aborted our daughter. Yours says to die of an STD. Maybe it's a tie?
Everyone has fights and says things they don't mean. Usually an apology is issued in normal cases and usually the comments are not cruel to that extent.
I guess if anything your husband is making the divorce easier by not giving you anything to miss.
I really, really hope you get through this soon and can find peace. Take care and keep us posted.
Nicole I recollect this remark very well. Some things once said can NEVER be unsaid. It's permanently tattooed on ones brain in vivid ink.
I do not believe in forgiveness, there is the wonderful state of detatchment and indifference, referred to as Meh. It's a zenith place where you can't be bothered, and it goes in and out of one's head without staying.
A place of that is interesting, next thing.
Sometimes this behaviour surprises me, and after my experience I never thought that would happen.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Juju, I rarely refer to anyone as evil as I work with a lot of personality disordered people. Oftentimes defense mechanisms can cause them to lash out. But this...this takes the cake. Good saying though, not to expect different from an alligator.
Nicole, I've often scoffed at the "pain olympics" but I do think you and I are tied for the gold, lol!
Blu, I'm done. I am 100% sure I can't ever take him back. Even if he were struck by lightening and had a "come to Jesus" moment I could never un-remember him wishing me death. I was like the last flickering bulb just went out when he said that. I find myself repulsed by him. This week he has gone overboard with parenting. He is buying the kids all these toys, taking them out on special trips, buying all their meals and it's...so disgusting to me. His hypocrisy is so blatant and naked that I can only feel disgust and contempt for him. The snooping was almost accidental, the wife of the couple that came to visit mentioned seeing him do snapchat round the house and thought it was with me. When I told her I don't have snapchat her face fell. Later she took me aside with concerns because she saw WH expression and knew he was interacting with a female. I logged into his activities and it was confirmed. All this did was bolster my resolve to get him the heck out of my house sooner rather than later. It didn't even hurt as much as make my anger at his disrespect flare up.
Vanilla, The mask has never fallen off so completely before but it's like I am looking at a stranger. I can't even feel attraction when he puts on his cologne. (previously I found this irresistible) Now I am grossed out because all I can picture is him schmoozing up to some floozy and catching another disease.
Tonight we sit down and tell DD7 and DS5 that we will be divorcing. I am sick with dread at how they will react. It can't be put off anymore because WH works the rest of thsi week (will come home late) and DD7 has to attend the mandatory aftercare class this Saturday. DD7 has been unusually withdrawn this weekend and I wonder if she is sensing this separation? Meanwhile I've been fielding interviews to change jobs and dealing with schedule juggling. (Nicole, I know you've asked about decreasing hours but my job is only full time, I am looking to do outpatient instead of inpatient though, likely to give me more days off)
Wish me luck friends. And please say a prayer for my perfect, beautiful and precious children. May Allah make this as painless as possible.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Sara, I hope the talk with your daughters went well. Maybe you can also have one-on-one talks with them in the next few days to hear how they're feeling. It's not easy for any of you, but it's nice that you have three kids and you can all support each other. It's difficult and scary and unfair but I have no doubt your kids will see the truth as they get older and will understand and support you in your decision to do what's best for them.
