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Irish M Offline OP
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Previous thread:

Contact from the dark side

first thread:

Wife gone deep in the tunnel?


Just an update mostly on myself... I think the reason most of us come here is to get support and also confirm that we are not the crazy ones. After living this for nearly 3 years, I can clearly say that I am not crazy.

It’s been a long journey but I can’t complain, I have my own house, both my girls full time and my career is taking off. I met someone and we are growing closer and closer.
I do wish my girls had their mom in their lives for the support they need. My XW sadly is not in the right state of mind still and is unable to be a mom. In her own words, “I’ve lost my motherly instinct”.

2018 contact has been far from none. A New Year’s Eve wish to me to find happiness and love and just recently a few messages back and forth about little or nothing. I’ll explain that a little lower down.
I’ve been away from the site and avoided talking about MLC altogether. I even refrained from helping my buddy whose wife flies off to see her soul mate every now and then. 4861km away but she refuses to accept his divorce request. Keeps playing my buddy for a fool and a door mat. I pray for him.

I have been reflecting on my situation. A little more on my XW and accepting that this is it. My life I had with her was all I was supposed to have with her. My kids were always closer to me since the day they were born as if the universe made it that way. Our destiny was written before we even met. I accept that there was nothing I could have done or anything I did was wrong. She was programmed as a child. I just didn’t see the red flags along the way. I see them so clearly now. I even laugh at it that I was so blinded by love that I failed to see the signs. Like I said, it wouldn’t of change a darn thing if I did.
My kids however have a chance. They have had therapy and are aware of MLC and mental illness. How past issues in life that are not dealt with, will come back to haunt you. Yes they suffered a great loss but unlike my XW they dealt with it, understand that it is not their fault and have healed. They understand it and grew from it.
So that brings me to today’s touch.

It was I who reached out. I got a call from the hospital for D15. You see when D15 was 14, she suffered headaches, dizzy spells and black outs. I had her looked at by a few specialist and in the MRI scan they found a cyst in the front right side of her brain. I did update XW back then which went un-phased. Results from that were unsure as the more the doctors talked to D15 they also picked up on a lot of anxiety and built up stress. Following that, she had therapy, changed her diet and reduced activities. It all seemed to settle the symptoms. However the cyst remains and I got the call for a follow up scan.
So I did this.
Hi, just to update you as promised, D15 goes for her scan tomorrow to see if there is any changes to the cyst in her brain. I will let you know the results once I get them.
30 seconds goes by.

Response: Hi Irish!! Thank you so much for updating me on this!! I will be thinking of her.

I also found a bag of old movie reels, belonging to your father. Do you want them?

YES!! How will we do this? I still have no grave stone on my father’s grave it cost so much money!!

I will send them to your work address via UPS, I hope your sister is helping you with that cost. Me and the girls will visit the site this spring as we haven’t paid our respects yet.

Ok!! Do you have the address?

I will get it off line. Easy to find. Thanks


I know... Not much there. But for me it was a lot. The way I felt about informing her. I felt great. She is the mother of my girls and deserves to know. Her dad’s films should be in her possession not mine. I have no hatred towards her and I have said it many times that if she asked for help to connect with the girls I will be front and center. I’m not talking reconciliation with her at all. I will continue to be the best dad I can. And if helping my girls connect with their mom one day, I am all for it, as long as she is healthy.

Until then, I will continue to update her on everything that is more important than traditional things. What she does with it after is her own. If one day she thanks me then I would be grateful to hear it.
What I’m saying is why I should wait for her to wake up. It’s like we are both playing a game of who messages first to break the silence. I’m tired of the silence. I let go of it. I was feeling like forced by my internal mind not to reach out to her. Freeing that control over me makes me feel freer.
Inner peace is worth so much.

Irish


M51
XW43 (38 at bd)
BD1 MAY 30 2015
BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text
moved out Aug 2 2015
left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20)
Her divorce Final July 26 2016
Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
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job Offline
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Irish,

You did the right thing by informing her of your daughter's scan. I do hope you and your daughter received some good news tomorrow.

I agree, the bag of movie reels should be in her possession.

The little bit of contact you had w/her may have brightened her day just a wee bit. I do hope that, in time, she will open up a bit and want to make some steps towards being w/her daughters. It's going to take some time, but if you continue to send her updates, etc., she just might feel comfortable enough to actually reach out to them.

Keeping you and your daughter in my thoughts and prayers that tomorrow will bring good news.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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saying prayers for a good report tomorrow my friend.

yes, i think it's important to keep them in the loop about their kids. i've tried to do that. i think the key is to do so with zero expectations. you've always been much better at that than i have.

i'm glad you're in a good place xoxoxo {{{{{hugs}}}}} as always


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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I agree with Job and Bttrfly, I think keeping in touch about the girls as needed is not only mature and respectful, but kind. I do the same, it just feels like the right thing to do. What they do with the info is totally on them.

Sending prayers for a good report tomorrow.
M


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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Hello Irish,

Praying for good news from tomorrow’s scan.

I am so very glad that your Ds understand and have healed from all that has happened. My sitch is so similar to yours and I am working with my kids to help with their understanding and healing from our experience.

My hope is the same as yours, that our kids grow, learn, and accept so they do not revisit past trauma at a future time.

For what it’s worth your conversation with XW seems to have gone well and sounds better than previous ones. I can see why you feel great.

I have often thought of you, your Ds, and your sitch, and I am always glad to read your updates and comments.

Best of luck.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
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Irish,

Best wishes for your daughter.

You have had a long journey and are inspiration to me about how to let go, have no expectations, and to take care of the kids.

Your last line about taking the pressure off yourself is awesome.

I can sense that inner peace in your posts.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Good luck with the scan

Your wife keeps herself very detached from he girls as most MLCer's probably do
when you told her about the scan she thanked you as if she was like a distant friend or relative of your D

Being a mother of 2 ..there would be no way on earth someone else would take one of my kids for a brain scan

No money for the grave--
seems another common trait among many MLCers

You seem also fully detached and separated
We give them the respect and opportunity to live out their lives and choices with the natural consequences

Glad you are doing so well-


married 14 years
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SBJ Offline
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Irish great to see an update. I pray that all goes well with your daughter.

Keeping you guys in my prayers.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
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Hi Irish , positives thoughts re your daughters appointment.

I think you did the right thing re informing your EXW and best not to get into any further convo other than girls.

Great to hear things are progressing with the new lady in your life. Slow and steady is the way.

Great to hear you sounding strong and positive. Keep being the best dad ever.

Take care, Rd

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thank you all so much for the support. Feeling the love.

So we arrive at the hospital. D15 so nervous. Appointment was at 10am.

Waited and waited. Around 11:30 they call her name. Now the last scan was in and out 15 minutes. So I stay in the waiting area for her. She puts on her gown (who doesn't love those).

So I wait some more and more. 35 mins pass. I begin to worry so I go down the hall and see 3 medical people talking. I ask where my daughter is. They tell me it won't be a minute. Well 30 mins later she comes out. She said it was horrible.

Blood tests, eye exam, ear exam and the MRI. I asked the nurse why and they said the doctor looking at her file said it was necessary. I also asked if they saw something and she said she can't tell me. The Dr will see me in April with the results. So we were off.

Told D15 she could of called for me if I was needed for support. She said No, shes trying to be brave.

I messaged XW the little details I had.

Was a very long morning at the hospital. They did a series of tests and we don't get the results back until April. It will be good to put it behind us this health scare.

I dropped off the movies at my work and they will send them out to you today.

I’ll keep you posted when I get more news


She replied a short thanks then followed by a series of questions.
Do the girls horseback ride still? Is D15 and D17 doing good in school? How are your parents? Do the girls have boyfriends?
It is hard for me still because I don't see them or talk to them. My mind races and its like I'm going crazy!!!

I have no choice to change my thoughts and keep occupied and busy. I have to take care of myself or die. Those are my only 2 options!!!


well I answered the Daughter questions since she asked. As for her last comment, I replied:
Well actually there are many options but they consist of work and facing things head on. You can continue to run and hide or face it. All I know is avoiding things doesn't make them go away it makes them spin round and round and they will always come back hard.

A fiend of mine just had a baby. i will spend a lot of time with her. god I love holding newborns , it's like therapy.

no answer to that one. Holding a baby would make me miss my girls more if I didn't see them. How could that be therapy.


I saw your video on your Memphis trip. Looks like you guys had fun. I'm really happy for you. I know you are doing a great job as a single dad.

She knows I have a youtube page and I post my videos, drones, 360 videos and just trips I do with the girls and some with my GF.
She doesn't mention my GF and her son who were clearly in the video. Weird but no bother.

Yes, it was amazing. This trip was planned 4 years agoand I could postpone it any longer. An Elvis was needed. And trips I always plan the max out of a location to do and get the most we can. And making videos, my passion.

I am really Glad you reach out, Irish. maybe one day we can talk like mother and fathers do. I would really look forward to that. If you need anything let me know.

No problem. I will update you on the girls when needed. Is there anything I need? No, I am managing fine but if something comes up i will let you know.

Have a great day and thanks again. Also i hate emails as communication. We should talk instead...

If you need to talk you knwo where to reach me. I am a good listener and my STFU skills have been perfected.

STFU skills lolololll you know, Sometimes it's good to hear, sorry my expression; the god d@mn truth.

take care


busy chat day. No need to open discussion right now as I have nothing to update her until April.

All this felt like was the same as the past few head popping out of her hole tricks. Then running back in. We will see if there is any difference. All I know is I am at peace with what I shared.


D15 however said she dreamt about XW. That she was at the hospital waiting . She said that is why she was so nervous. I told her I thought she was nervous because of the tests. D15 said no not at all. I just don't want to see my mom and her BF there. I asked: What if it was just your mom here?

D15 stopped me in the hall and said. Dad, if she cared she would be in my life, I don't expect anything from her.
Also I would know you arranged it because you want to best for me. If you could fix my mom you would of and from what the therapy told me. Nothing can break that spell.
We will see in time what she does.

I left it at that. But I felt she wouldn't turn her mom away if she was alone and did the work.


thanks again so many prayers for D15. They were felt











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